With a younger man who suddenly thinks he might wants kids but I'll be too old

[bettypoprocket]

I'm 44 and have been living in a domestic partnership with a man who is ten years younger than me. We've been together 4 years and have been very compatible, other than a few issues mainly stemming from his disapproving traditional family (who disapprove about my age).

Recently, he confessed to me that since his older brother had a child a year ago, he's had a growing worry that he'll some day regret not being with someone his own age who he can one day start a family with. The key word is "some" day, certainly not now. His brother is my age and has only had his first child now, which is when my partner imagines he will be (possibly) ready to have a child. That would make me 54, and no longer of childbearing age.

Throughout our entire relationship, my partner has been vehemently against the idea of having children. We've always been on the same page. I already have a grown son who is 21, so my willingness to have another child is not really there, although I might have considered it if he'd really wanted it.

The truth is, he doesn't want it, right now. He doesn't want it while it's still possible with me. He just "might" want it "some day". And so, I feel like a piece of garbage that he's ready to throw away because our relationship interferes with his vision of "some day".

He says he doesn't know what this means for us. I feel backed into a corner, like I'm damned either way. I've never in my life felt old until he projected this onto me. I'm someone who everyone mistakes for being ten years younger than I actually am. I'm fit, energetic and don't have any grey hair or saggy skin. He's still attracted to me, but I feel like my trust in him is now destroyed.

I've told him that his feelings are probably normal, but still, I feel that if he valued me as a partner, then keeping me as a partner would be more important than concerning himself with "some day". Right now, I feel degraded and deceived and used. I don't want to just walk away based on my wounded ego, but I do want to respect myself. I want him to make a decision about what he really wants, because he's been fairly cowardly and passive up to this point, in this regard.

Anyone else out there dealing with the end of fertility and being punched in the gut for it? I don't even know who I am anymore right now.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm thinking that someone who is in their mid 30's who has been with their partner for a few years already and says they want kids but not for another decade really doesn't want kids at all, but is thinking that somehow he's magically going to start wanting to have kids in the next 10 years.

 

I'd call him out on it. If he doesn't want to have kids now, why is he suddenly going to want them in 10 years? If he really wanted them why wouldn't he have them now, so they would have cousins the same age.

[bluefeather]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this kind of emotion and feeling about yourself. The main thing here, as you said, could be your ego. But here is what I gathered from your post in response to your feeling like a piece of garbage: you are NOT a piece of garbage. You are a woman and you are a mother. I see no traits of garbage in that post you made.

 

So now that that is out of the way, I can tell you that it does sometimes happen, where a guy will suddenly think to himself, "I actually could want kids" when they didn't used to before. It happened to me too once I reached a certain age. Around that time I was dating someone who was going through something that meant there was a chance she would not be able to have children. But did that make me leave her? No way. At that point, I began thinking about adoption with her. My point is that even though that was a huge change in what I desired with a partner in life, it did not make me have doubts about being in a relationship with the girl I was in love with. I'm not trying to bash him for feeling the way he is feeling, though. Something like that is a big deal and can make some people really confused about stuff.

 

Here is another possibility. And I am sorry for bringing it up, but maybe it will be easier to swallow than the idea of him not wanting you because of child-bearing. Maybe he is loosing interest in the relationship and using this as some kind of starter-reason for detaching. Maybe there is something else that is bothering him that he isn't saying.

 

Relationship troubles like this suck, especially when the couple is long-term and living together. But you should not allow this epiphany or whatever it is that came to him to make you feel like you have lost your identity. You are who you are and this is what he is choosing to express. So the question is how do you choose to be based on what just happened?

[elaine567]

His older brother is 44 and has just had a child, and so he now thinks "Wow that is a cool age to have kids, I'm not ready yet but yeah at 44 fantastic."

 

Unfortunately that means he does not really see his future with you.

His disapproving traditional family will have also got to him, few really want to be in LTRs with smeone their family disapproves of.

So you are Miss Rightnow as opposed Miss Right.

Miss Right will no doubt be of prime marrying/childbearing age when he is 44, ie probably 10-15 years younger than him.

His family will love it, and all will be well in his world.

My advice is to forget him, as I only see heart-ache ahead for you if you decide to stick around.

Sorry!

[noelle303]

I honestly wouldn't look at it that way. He's not using you or treating you like you're garbage, he's in a relationship with you and is currently perfectly fine with that relationship the way it is.

 

He's just thinking that in ten years or so he might want kids. Whether that will mean the end of your relationship or not, it remains to be seen. If it does end, it doesn't make what you two shared any less special or a waste of time.

 

I'm in a similar situation. While me and my BF are both young, I am determined that I won't have any more children in my life (I have an almost 6 year old), he does want to have them eventually, not now though. Therefore, we do realize that our relationship is possibly going to hit a wall that we won't be able to go past. It worried me at one point, but then I started to accept it, enjoy what we have now and worry about other bridges when I reach them.

 

Even if we do break up because in 10 years we will want different things it will be for the best and we'll still have the time we spent together.

 

As for why your boyfriend doesn't want kids now while you still can, well he simply doesn't want to. He's probably still enjoying a childless life and isn't ready to change that.

[angel.eyes]

You're in different life stages. That's all. You have an adult child, and aren't really eager to have any more. You're done with child-raising. He's 30-ish and still happily enjoying the single, childless, carefree life. But for a majority of people, at some point, they grow out of that and want to raise a family. He's signaled that he'll want to someday. Unfortunately, he's essentially said he doesn't see that being with you.

 

Right now, you're in a phase where it works, but when he's ready to start his family, it won't be with you. There's no long-term future here. Be thankful that you've been alerted that you're Ms. Right Now.

 

Neither of you is right or wrong for wanting what you want in your lives, or for who you want in the various roles in your life. You're just not compatible in the long-term.

[angel.eyes]

I'm thinking that someone who is in their mid 30's who has been with their partner for a few years already and says they want kids but not for another decade really doesn't want kids at all, but is thinking that somehow he's magically going to start wanting to have kids in the next 10 years.

 

I'd call him out on it. If he doesn't want to have kids now, why is he suddenly going to want them in 10 years? If he really wanted them why wouldn't he have them now, so they would have cousins the same age.

 

Two things:

 

Until a couple of years ago, I didn't want children. I knew I would want children some day all through my teens and twenties, but even then (when I had zero interest in getting married or having kids), I knew that I would want to get married and have a family some day.

 

Second, you're much pickier about who you choose to settle down with for the "rest of your life" and who will co-parent with you.

 

Unfortunately, sometimes in dating you assume there's a long-term future, and it's a conversation such as the one the OP had with her boyfriend, that makes the person aware that their partner sees them as Mr./Ms. Right Now. On the surface everything seems wonderful and stable, so it's a jolt to discover they're on a different page.

 

There are two options. Enjoy the relationship for what it is, with the understanding that it has an expiration date. Or, what I would recommend here, breakup and find someone who does actually want a long-term future with you.

Edited December 15, 2016 by angel.eyes

[GunslingerRoland]

Two things:

 

Until a couple of years ago, I didn't want children. I knew I would want children some day all through my teens and twenties, but even then (when I had zero interest in getting married or having kids), I knew that I would want to get married and have a family some day.

 

Second, you're much pickier about who you choose to settle down with for the "rest of your life" and who will co-parent with you.

 

I get being a teenager and knowing you want to have kids but not yet, and even well into your 20's. But I think anyone who by their mid 30's. Almost half way through their likely life, is still looking and saying that they need 10 years before thinking about it, really isn't all that into the idea. Especially when they had previously been set on never having kids.

 

And I don't know if I agree with your second point. I think even if I was never going to have kids, I'd still look for the same qualities in a wife.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you have to make him realize that actually, this decision is one he DOES need to make very soon. As opposed to flitting around and being wishy-washy for the next decade.

 

Your most effective argument is showing that this is not only about YOU. It's his own personal issue that must be resolved.

 

First, he's not a spring chicken himself — many fathers are his age and younger, and the brother is a flawed model since he's late to the game. Go ahead and send him articles like this

if he believes there's no risks to being an older father.

 

Now, let's get cold for a moment and take you out of the equation entirely. Let's say the two of you break up over this. If he were to pursue another serious relationship with the goal of settling down, it's in everyone's best interest to clarify his stance on children from the start. "Might want children when I'm in my mid-40s" isn't going to be a great answer for ANY woman looking to commit to him.

 

Of course another reason he needs to make this decision now is that it's fundamentally unfair to put you in this position. "I may hang around for a few years with this threat hanging over your head that I could bail later when my priorities change." Nope!

 

The children vs. no children question is a huge one that affects multiple dimensions of his life. If he DOES want them, he has to make some moves toward that soon, in terms of both letting you free and the way he approaches future dating. Don't let him nestle in this cocoon of indecision.

[anika99]

OP I honestly think that would signal the end of the relationship for me. He has pretty much put you on notice that one day he is going to want a younger woman. He's not coming right out and saying it because he'd like to keep you around for now but when he's picturing his life ten years down the road he's not seeing you in that picture.

 

In my mid to late twenties I had a couple of boyfriends who had spent their twenties and thirties with girlfriends who were older than them. They preferred older women when they were young but as they got near forty they suddenly did a total flip and wanted younger women. Now I know that's not true every time because I have an aunt who married a man 15yrs younger than her when she was 45. That was over twenty years ago and they are still very happily married today. However I'm not sure she would have married him if he ever said anything about maybe wanting kids later on.

 

No relationship comes with a gaurantee of forever so if you are happy right now and you want to enjoy the relationship you have with your bf then you should do so but I think it will inevitably end at some point.

[Miss Peach]

I had always assumed that I would want children someday when I got married (very young). Later in life, I realize I could have gone either way. I did have a child with my XH that I love dearly, but if I had gotten together with a man who didn't want kids our couldn't I would have been perfectly OK with that too.

 

Some of my friends have told me that the urge would hit me in my 30s but it's never come and I just can't picture my life with more kids.

 

I also know many men who were on the fence and they realized at 40 that they didn't want to be dealing with college when they wanted to retire so they took kids off the table.

[VeveCakes]

I've told him that his feelings are probably normal, but still, I feel that if he valued me as a partner, then keeping me as a partner would be more important than concerning himself with "some day". Right now, I feel degraded and deceived and used. I don't want to just walk away based on my wounded ego, but I do want to respect myself. I want him to make a decision about what he really wants, because he's been fairly cowardly and passive up to this point, in this regard.

Anyone else out there dealing with the end of fertility and being punched in the gut for it? I don't even know who I am anymore right now.

 

Unfortunately this is the risk of dating someone much younger.

 

It is unfair to ask him to choose you over kids.... while I don't really want kids and I understand how you feel, having children is a huge part of many peoples lives and giving it up should not be taken lightly. As you already have a child, you might not understand where his change of heart hascome from.

 

I would ask him to think long and hard and decide. If there is a chance he will want kids, will he adopt? Surrogate? Do you even want to? This is a very important choice that needs to be made soon so you can both decide where to head in the future.

[hippychick3]

I'm so sorry, OP. I feel for you as I am your age also dating someone almost 10 years younger for 3 1/2 years now. My BF vacillated about having kids the first 6 months we were dating (initially he did not, then reconsidered briefly). I let him know that I would let him go with all the love and understanding in the world if that's what he wanted. He never wanted to let me go and since then, he has stated many times that he would never want kids badly enough to sacrifice the relationship and I'm perfect as I am for him. Logically, it's always a possibility. My gut tells me he would never leave me for that reason. However, if he were to ever make that comment to me that your BF made, I'd confront him and end the relationship on the spot. There would be no sense in wasting any more of my time and energy on someone who wasn't committed to a long term future together.

[Madame_Noire]

I think he is getting pressured by his family. It is a shame that he has to follow (his brother) rather than march to the beat of his own drum and do his own thing? Besides, most thirty-somethings know that their stage of life whether or not they will want kids.

 

Say if he does go on to have kids with someone else seen as he seems to want this all of a sudden, he will have to invest years in someone else, co-habit with said person, compromise, tolerate and accept eachother and then there is hoping and praying they make a good team and sing from the same hymnsheet when it comes to parenting....

 

It is all well and good that he said he may want kids, some day, you should ask him why he wants to have children. Like how people always ask us childfree why we do not want kids.

[VeveCakes]

I think he is getting pressured by his family. It is a shame that he has to follow (his brother) rather than march to the beat of his own drum and do his own thing? Besides, most thirty-somethings know that their stage of life whether or not they will want kids.

 

How can you possibly even gather he is being pressured?

 

Sorry, you're just wrong. I am 33 and for the first time thinking I might want to have a kid after being hell bent against it my whole life. Things change...

[elaine567]

How can you possibly even gather he is being pressured?

 

Sorry, you're just wrong. I am 33 and for the first time thinking I might want to have a kid after being hell bent against it my whole life. Things change...

 

I think it seems things have changed for the bf in that he now sees his older brother at 44 with a baby.

His brother will now be the focus of "good" family attention. The genes are passed on, he has an heir, all is well in the world.

BUT the bf is still childless... that realisation is bound to make him think about what he wants in his life, and what is really important to him.