Am I Just Overly Suspicious of Her?

[AlwaysSuspicious]

Hello LS,

 

Hope all is well with everyone. My wife had a string of one night stands back nearly two years ago. We've been married for between four and five years. There was an ordeal for months, and we were nearly divorced. I checked all of her accounts, phone, etc. for a long period after D-Day, and she knows how I got some of my information to bust her the first time. We now have a baby, and I am starting to get suspicious again. They say to trust your gut, but I don't know if I can differentiate between that feeling and just plain paranoia. That being said, I'll give you some of my thoughts and observations.

 

So you're aware from the beginning, she knows that I used more advanced methods than usual to look at her phone databases. She also knows I saw her search history, location history, etc, and those were all things that tipped me off the first time. With that out of the way, I'll move on to what I have observed.

 

-First thing I noticed in October was that she was looking at some exes on Facebook. I know there is a debate on whether this is wrong or not, but I may have told her not to after the cheating. Either way, she deleted them several days later. That is where my problem was, and what started me on my paranoid trip.

 

-She said she was talking to a friend one day just before I had arrived, and her phone died. When I checked the phone records for that time the next day, there were no calls, and maybe one text.

 

-That same night she went to the store. We switched phones because hers was still dad, and she told me the charger was still in the other bedroom. When I went to get it, it was a charger that didn't properly charge her phone (charges really really slowly). I told her about it and she said something along the lines of using that for something else, and I could have sworn, but I may be mistaken, I heard her say something like "Whoops", or "Oh crap" under her breath right after she said that. Then she said I must have used it for the baby monitor or something. The baby monitor plug looks nothing like a phone charger. In her defense, she may have been talking about using it to slow charge her phone during the day while taking a nap there so she could monitor the baby monitor video app.

 

-She went to the store the next morning before I went to work to get a couple of things for the baby, which I thought was out of the blue. She was gone for about 45 minutes. I called a million times, no answer, but I didn't fuss. Later while I was at work, she apologized for missing the calls, explained in great detail why she missed it.

 

-Very little intimacy for the past month or so. Can hardly even get little kisses by her.

 

-Next day, she took that same charger to the other room again, although this time, in her defense, her actual charger was upstairs with the baby. What's funny is she went out of her way to tell me that she naps in there if I'm wondering why the covers are rustled up, even though I already am aware of that.

 

-She took a shower while I was at work, which is not unusual in any way, but I noticed a pair of her earrings just outside the shower. Why would she be wearing earrings during the day when she didn't even have the car to go out?

 

-I found a really strange blue looking pill on the couch possibly. It looked like the remnants of a mostly dissolved pill, so I couldn't make out the exact shape or label. Looked kinda like the teal colored Kamagra. It didn't belong to anybody we had over to the best of my knowledge, as it had been several days since then.

 

-She always goes straight to the bathroom when she gets home.

 

-She almost always makes a second trip downstairs to get diapers, adjust the heater when we go to bed, and I know at least some of the time that is definitely what she is doing.

 

-She bleached the whites the other day, which included a blanket and some smelly rags. She rarely bleaches stuff, but it makes sense, considering the stuff that was in the load this time. Thought I'd include it anyway.

 

-We had a small fight, and discussed my issues. She told me she felt like I wasn't helping out enough with our baby, and it is difficult for her. I totally agree with her. I could help out more than I do, and I understand it must be difficult trying to take care of a baby all day. It's a whole shift in lifestyle. She doesn't get to go out and be social. It sucks. I asked if she wanted me to explain what made me suspicious of her, and she surprisingly said no, as that would make her think of that topic every time she did one of those things. I did at least tell her about looking at exes on Facebook, and she said she did it to see what they're lives are like now basically. The old comparison, which I completely understand. She said she deleted them because it was embarrassing. She mentioned that when she cheated the first time, I told her that she stalked her exes like she was obsessed with them, and that was hurtful. She also eventually said that she partly deleted the searches cause she knew she wasn't supposed to be doing it. She said that she has no free time. She's too busy to ever actually go through with something like cheating.

 

Anyway, sorry again for the long post. I've searched so many things, and can't find anything more than little bits and pieces of stuff, like above, but nothing solid. I know about gaslighting, and such, but I get so intense about finding information, it makes me think that I may just be paranoid as a result of being cheated on nearly two years ago. If she is cheating, I don't know how she is hiding it exactly, but I know she's too smart to do it from her regular phone and computer now. There's no way, because she doesn't know what all I can get to. I've tried recording a couple of times from a device in the house, but that hasn't been very successful so far.

 

Am I just paranoid? Is there something more complex than just plain infidelity that I should pay attention to? I would love any of your thoughts, and would be happy to expand on any of my points above. Thanks in advance.

Edited December 14, 2016 by AlwaysSuspicious
Corrections.

[Philosoraptor]

If she's cheated in the past, and wants to have your trust, she's closed the door on her having any sort of privacy.

 

Talk to her directly about your suspicions and what is bothering you. She broke the trust in the past, so she doesn't get to be upset if you mention something that made you suspicious.

 

You two should be able to talk and get this straightened out if you are simply being paranoid. She should be willing to assist you through this.

 

There are issues even if it is just you being paranoid. Lack of affection, the fun of parenting, and what seems to be a lack of overall togetherness. A nice long conversation where you both can be open will surely get to the bottom of things, and (if there is no cheating) can really help you two build a stronger relationship.

[AlwaysSuspicious]

Good point Philosoraptor. I could stand to be a little more open about how I am feeling as well. My problem is that when I start to get suspicious I feel that if I mention anything I could be tipping her off to what I've noticed, if and only if, she was doing something wrong.

[Ronni_W]

She told me she felt like I wasn't helping out enough with our baby, and it is difficult for her. I totally agree with her. I could help out more than I do, and I understand it must be difficult trying to take care of a baby all day. It's a whole shift in lifestyle. She doesn't get to go out and be social. It sucks.

^^^ I would offer to focus on this.

Help her to find - or rediscover - all the many reasons that it is meaningful and important and enriching and fulfilling to have YOU in her life; YOU and your child and the life that you two have built, and will continue to build, together. Make it about her, and about the two of you building a happy life together; not so much about her suspicious behaviour and your suspicious mindset.

 

It isn't easy to regain trust, but it is your job to do just that. (It is her job to help you regain your confidence in her; but it still is your inner sense of trust that is what you have control over, and must, therefore, control.) Read books, seek out a properly-qualified professional; do whatever it takes to do your part properly.

 

Between the two of you, come up with a plan that gives her some time to be an adult - and not just a 'mom' or a 'wife' adult. Night courses, book club, church/spiritual group, yoga classes. Plan date nights, even weekends away, if that's feasible.

 

Lastly, she might be suffering from postpartum depression; a lot more common than most of us might think. Suggest this in a kind, loving, concerned way. Offer to go with her for a medical check-up. (It sounds like an inconsequential or a 'little thing' to offer, but sometimes those are the small gestures that count big.)

 

I get that it's not easy to regain trust. But, on the other side of that, being 'always suspicious' becomes its own self-fulfilling prophecy. And we all care too much to want THAT to happen.

 

Wishing you the best,

In Light.

Ronni

[Philosoraptor]

Good point Philosoraptor. I could stand to be a little more open about how I am feeling as well. My problem is that when I start to get suspicious I feel that if I mention anything I could be tipping her off to what I've noticed, if and only if, she was doing something wrong.

 

Trust is difficult after an affair. But nothing is gained by closing up. Knowledge is power.

 

It must be truly torturous living with pain that is caused by suspicions and not facts. Get to the facts, and you can save your brain and heart a lot of ache. This is a journey you two need to take together. You need to be willing to open up, ask questions, and allow trust to regrow. And she needs to answer honestly, and support you in healing from the pain her actions caused.

[AlwaysSuspicious]

Thanks Ronni and Philosoraptor. Very thoughtful responses. You're both right. I'll do my best to show her my value in this relationship again, and choose to trust as best as I can. I discussed some possibilities for going back to school, etc. with her last night, and she seemed happy. She tried to open up and tell me how dull everything feels with her current day-to-day activities, and I in turn, tried to be understanding/helpful. I'll try to keep an open dialogue with her as best as I can, to help turn my suspicions into facts that help me sleep at night. She did have a little postpartum depression, but that period has passed now I believe. Out baby is about 6 months old.

[doyathinkso]

Overly suspicious you ask? After a string of one night stands not even two years ago???!!

 

You sir, can never never ever again be considered to be overly suspicious.

 

That being said, why you would even consider remaining in this forevermore tainted marriage is utterly beyond my comprehension.

[Poutrew]

Your wife isn't really very good at hiding her secrets. Yes, I think you have every right to be worried. I think it is time for you to get some cheap, small, USB VARs from amazon and put them in several places like the bathroom, bedroom, and her car, because it looks like she is using a burner phone and accidentally left the charger out, which you discovered. About the pill, if you find one with numbers still on it, you can look it you can look it up on the internet. Sounds like she is bringing a man over when you aren't around and feeding him Viagra... sorry dude, but it sure sounds like you are in for a time. Especially with a kid involved.

[BTDT2012]

What did she do to address her issues, the ones that allowed her to cheat. It is up to her to prove herself trustworthy.

[BuddyX]

VAR under the driver seat will do the trick.

 

Also, if you're Traveling alone somewhere, put the VAR under the bed (Velcro). Send a text message late at night to have a time reference.

Edited December 14, 2016 by BuddyX
Grammar

[BluesPower]

I really hope this is a real post...

 

Dude, she is cheating, why would you think otherwise. You know what is going on.

 

Have you had your child DNA tested?

[flowergirl14]

It seems like your gut is screaming at you again. You know something is amiss. Don't down play it. Buy one of those hidden cameras and it wont take long to see with your own eyes that she has some dude over there. Btw, having a new baby is exhausting, isolating at times. Its hard. However, that is absolutely no reason to cheat and honestly disgusting if she is bringing other men around your baby. Millions of people are raising babies and kids and not cheating. Keep looking. These people always f up.

[Bryanp]

A string of one night stands putting your health at risk for STD's just two years ago which means she was having sex with a string of men after being married to you for only 2 years. Why would you then have a baby with this woman?

I hate to be harsh but I think it reasonable to check the DNA of your baby just in case. Now she is engaged in suspicious activities and you have a gut feeling once again that she is cheating.

 

If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? You seem that you are one of the nice guys and she plays on this. She has had a string of one night stands and you stay married and then proceed to have a child with her. She probably thinks she can do anything now and that you would eventually forgive her anyway so really where is the risk for her? It also seems that she has very little respect for you or your marriage.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[anika99]

Out of that entire list the only thing that sounded concerning to me was the looking up exes on Facebook and also how she felt what you said about her stalking her exes when she was cheating was hurtful..like wth? She's holding onto that when she's the one who cheated multiple times? That you said something hurtful (and possibly truthful) while she was betraying you over and over again?

 

That she brought up some minor thing you said during the time she was cheating is important because it shows a lack of empathy and remorse. Like she wants you to feel bad or accept some kind of responsibility for her behaviour. Why did she cheat with multiple men? What did she do to address what she did and why she did it? How did you deal with it?

[WilyWill]

I don't see how you could ever get over suspicion of her. It's entirely justified, and if she doesn't understand that, she's not remorseful. To be honest, if I ever cheated on my wife and wanted to keep her, I don't think I'd ever lodge a complaint against her again. I'd certainly wait more than a decade. Maybe that's extreme and unhealthy, but that's just the way I think a really remorseful spouse would behave.

 

My guess is that whatever was wrong with your wife a few years ago is still very much present in her. Did she ever have therapy to get to the bottom of her issues? Did she ever show true remorse?

 

You have every right to be suspicious. If you want to stay with her, you need to watch her closely and make sure she's really no longer the cheater that she was. Otherwise, it's time to move on and find a wife who will love and cherish you.

 

Have you ever done a DNA test on your child? It's something you might want to consider.

[Darren Steez]

Good point Philosoraptor. I could stand to be a little more open about how I am feeling as well. My problem is that when I start to get suspicious I feel that if I mention anything I could be tipping her off to what I've noticed, if and only if, she was doing something wrong.

 

You're in trouble. Look at how many times you use the word feeling or feel, in that short sentence.

 

Your wife cheated, twice. It's not a paranoid trip, it's not suspicions, it's your wife is acting shady she cheated so naturally alarm bells start ringing.

 

What is your life now? Checking internet history, seeing how long she takes when she goes downstairs etc etc.

 

Why did she cheat the first time? Did you get to the bottom of it? Have you seen an IC or MC?

 

You know how to snoop so buy a couple of VARS and place them around the house so you can hear what she's up to. Don't let her let on that you're suspicious so she can let her guard down a bit.

[eye of the storm]

When you get to the point in your marriage that washing a load of whites with bleach gets you suspicious....your marriage is over.

 

Just end it.

 

I would hate to live like that. It must be exhausting.

[VeveCakes]

I always wear earrings at home...even if Im not going out. I take them off at night and put them on the AM.

 

Just some info for the OP.

[BetrayedH]

I'd get VARs for the house and car, and I'd have a GPS on the car.

 

The only way to tell if it's legit or paranoia is to get the truth.

[CommittedToThis]

Not offering advice, only what I, personally, would do.

 

Trust your instincts. You've already been down this road once, she lost your trust 'cause she cheated on you via a string of affairs apparently, not just one (not that it matters).

 

That feeling you have in your chest? The one that tells you, "Hey, man, something's not quite right here"?

 

Believe it, because I'd wager 95% of time it's right on.

 

She's back to her old ways. So sad there's a child involved.

 

All the best and trust your intuition. I got burned in a 10-year "interaction" with a Cluster B personality disordered cheater and I wish, I wish, I WISH I had trusted my instincts from the beginning. It would have saved me 9.5 years of being forced to understand what narcissistic personality disorder is.

 

On the bright side, my ex taught me everything I needed to learn to be a better, more confident man with amazing boundary enforcement abilities.

 

Wishing you the best, man.

[DKT3]

Yeah maybe time to wave the white flag with this woman and marriage.

 

Now despite what has been said, you hood absolutely no responsibility in being able to trust her again, no matter what you do if ( and she clearly has) she continues the same behavior as she did while cheating you will never build trust, it's her responsibility to GAIN your trust not your responsibility to GIVE it too her

[AlwaysSuspicious]

Thanks for your responses everyone. I have considered a proper VAR. I'll get one when I get paid, set it up, and see what comes of it.

 

I have not had a DNA test, no, only a blood type test. She had shown a lot of remorse, and I can tell it beats her up to think about it. That's her fault, but still.

 

I've become pretty obsessed. I didn't check anything for a long while, but it usually only takes one little thing to send me down a rabbit hole of investigation, as such. We did see a counselor for a while, but we stopped going when our insurance no longer covered it. One issue she had with the counselor was that she strictly focused on the infidelity, and not the individual part enough. At least that's what I recall.

Edited December 14, 2016 by AlwaysSuspicious
Addition

[Mr. Lucky]

The only way to tell if it's legit or paranoia is to get the truth.

 

Right now, the truth is he doesn't trust her.

 

AlwaysSuspicious, one of two things is true -

 

- you simply don't have it in you to forgive a series of ONS by your spouse

 

- she doesn't feel a need to help you heal

 

Either scenario dooms your marriage. You might think about how much more of both of your lives you're willing to invest with so little return...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Try]

When you get to the point in your marriage that washing a load of whites with bleach gets you suspicious....your marriage is over.

 

Just end it.

 

I would hate to live like that. It must be exhausting.

I would also hate to live like this.

 

Like many, the OP is under the false impression that they are somehow at fault if they cannot learn to deal with their spouse's affair and move on. Notice that I said "deal with" the affair and not "get over" the affair, as the affair never fully goes completely away in the mind of the cheated on spouse. The truth is that it takes 3 to 5 years for the vast majority of people to learn to deal with an affair by their spouse, with most never being able to. In the years following an affair, odds are that the marriage will eventually end because of it.

 

With just 2 years since the multiple cheating, it would be unusual for the OP to trust her at this point. The question is she doing the heavy lifting needed by him to trust her, and is he willing to live like this until he does?

Edited December 14, 2016 by Try

[Friskyone4u]

Suspiscious,

 

You need to google "Signs your wife is cheating" and you have enough red flags here to start a bull fighting school. So lets recap

(1) she had a "series" of one night stands. So this was obviously not a one time thing, and she other than some arguments got no consequences. On top of that, you divulged all of the methods or ways you caught her. SHE IS A SERRIAL CHEATER and got away with it and you are still back pedaling.

(2) she disappears and does not answer her phone for 45 minutes to grad something at the store.

(3) she takes a shower immediately on coming home from work. BUY A DAMM SEMAN DETECTION KIT, and grab her underwear out of the hamper.

(4) let me guess. Her phone has a password and you do not have a clue of what is or any of her social media.

 

Now, if you really want to find out the truth, which I am guessing most people reading this would bet on

(1) stop asking her anything. All you are doing is alerting her

(2) get copies of your cell phone records. Do not tell her

(3) get the VAR in her car even if you have to go to a pawn store to afford it and make sure you get a good one and learn how to use it. DO NOT TELL HER THAT NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEAR. My guess is within a week you will know if she is cheating again.

(4) put a GPS on her car

 

And lastly, get to an attorney to find out your rights unless you plan to play the pick me game even if you catch her again.

 

Stop being suspiscious and start being smart and get gthe answers you need