Am I Just Overly Suspicious of Her?

[bubbaganoosh]

If she had a string of one night stands and your still with her and feeling this way then...................it's your fault.

 

You should have unloaded her when you found out about it and you wouldn't be going through this right now.

 

Yeah you have a kid with her but you can still be a great dad and not be married to your wife any longer.

 

If you don't trust her then there's no marriage and from what you said, you don't trust her. Time for you to consider your other options and if she gives you a hard time about it then let her know that she caused the problem and your fixing it.

[lovechunker]

I don't mean to be mean to previous posters, but if you're wife isn't cheating and you google "signs wife is cheating", trust me you'll think she's cheating. (also don't google "signs of cancer".) Listen bro, my buddy's in the same situation. Feeling isn't going to go away. It's one thing to be in a relationship with a formerly cheating spacious who is now overly repentant. But you're gut doesn't lie. And yes there's a difference between gut and suspicion. Gut is that feeling you get when you're watching the yankees and you feel the crowd screaming and you're like "i know A-rod is on roads but he's about to hit a grand slam", and then he does. Suspicion is when you smoke some kush and you're like "i'm really worried the cops are gonna show up and bust me." The cops ain't gonna show up. You know why? because you're in your own place smoking ganja and theirs friggin 10 million people lighting up at the same time so there's no way they are going to magically show up at your door. Get the difference? suspicion is irrational fear about something that isn't realistic. Gut is a lingering feeling that something is going to happen. Gut feelings come from built up emotion from past experience that is expressed in a blink of an eye. Wha you're feeling is gut reactions as a result of past experiences that have built suspicious emotions within you. These clearly haven't been resolved. The reason they haven't been resolved is because you're cheating wife doesn't do enough apologizing and hasn't made up for it. I wouldn't normally recommend this to a married many with a kid, but being as i said that my buddy has been struggling with 2 kids in the same situation and is now getting a divorce.... you gotta pick your sack up and end it. You deserve to live a happy live with joy, not a suspicious life where you're more worried about whether your wife is cheating than if you ate food today. You're worth it. Your future relationship with a sensible caring person is worth it. And most importantly, your kids future is worth it. You can't be the man your kid needs you to be if you're in that situation. Best of luck man....Peace (Y)

[Lady2163]

There's a couple of issues here....

 

1. If your baby is around six months old and she's already had the discussion that you're not helping enough, that's a bad sign - on you. One of my biggest regrets in my marriage was I never found a way to tell me ex-husband words to the effect, "hey, if my work isn't done, neither is yours..." We didn't have kids, but I worked a longer day and more physical/emotional job than he did. He was home 90 minutes before I was. When I walked in the door, he would have undressed dropping his clothes in a trail and would be watching TV. The first words out of his mouth were, "what's for supper?" His workday was done and he would pout if he had to help with housework. He would do a lousy job at it. He would screw up errands or would "forget" for to do them for days.

 

So, while you are working outside of the house, your paying job may be finished at the end of the shift. but when you walk in the door to your residence your "job" as a husband and father is just beginning for the evening. Yes, her job may appear easier and she gets to nap at times during the day, but if your baby isn't sleeping through the night, is she getting a good rest? I just finished working from home for eight years and I got so tired of cleaning the same things over and over. There's a helluva lot of drudgery in the thankless job of housewife and mother. My procrastination became a big enough problem that I started to have trouble getting off the couch, I was exhausted all the time.

 

Okay, that's enough of my "be a good man lecture."

 

You sound young. And your marriage wasn't very old when they cheating happened. Did you get to the bottom of "why" she cheated? I'm saying this gently, since it is a hot button topic, but were there some areas YOU needed to work on as well? I'm not blaming you, your wife could just be a cake eater. In my younger days, when I was in relationships and wanted to cheat, it was because there was something missing or some need not being met. I didn't cheat, but I chose men badly for a lot of years.

 

I'm usually very sympathetic to the WS both because of my awful choices in relationships and because I'm an ex-OW. Yet, the thing that jumped out at me from your list of suspicions was the charger fiasco. I have six things in my house that require regular charging with different chargers. It sounds like she has a burner phone. Normally, I'd say "baby brain" was in play, but if that charger was the wrong one for her phone that you know if and doesn't fit anything else in the house....what is it for?

 

I know she's broken your trust. She doesn't deserve a lot of privacy. But, the way you are now with each other is no way to live. She seems to feel the need to explain everything slightly out of the ordinary in detail, which could be a sign of guilt or covering up and you're suspicious of her using bleach on a load of laundry.

 

Realistically, what do you want to happen?

[Jersey born raised]

I agree that while bringing up past issues can be painful and counter productive if they have been resolved. None of your posts todate indicate if they have been resolved. For example in my youth I was (and most likely would be again) binge drinker. I never drank in my home or hanging with my friends, only in bars. So when I woke up on a saturady mornning after praying yet again to the procelin goddess I swore never again. The next time I went into a bar was a decade later.

 

My point above is what has been to address the "near temptation of sin". Your gut may be right as new issues are "driving" her to past bad habits. This leaves her easy prey for a predator.

 

Finally pick up your game with your child. Charge in the door looking to pick up the slack and bond with your child.

[Scarlett94]

Lack of physical affection is normal imo. I remember those days with a clingy baby and I didn't want anyone touching me at all lol.

The not answering the phone? She was getting some free time because she's stuck all the time with a baby. Sometimes I don't answer the phone when my husband calls because he seems to always have me do something that he could do himself.

As for the helping out, I didn't get any help either and I resented it.

[GoldenR]

Everything you're suspicious about are 100% signs of cheating. I'd be shocked if she wasn't. Buy VARs and put them everywhere.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not saying she's not cheating- however could it be that she is depressed? She's not working outside the home, is home with a 6 month old all the time, and doesn't even have access to a car?

 

I know she has done wrong, and you have every right to be suspicious, but you cannot build a wall too tall for anyone to climb over if they want to. I would hate to live my life wondering why my stay at home wife bleached the whites? Just saying.

 

That may be part of the lack of intimacy- she feels you don't help with the baby enough? Are you guys going on dates?

[Karma24]

When the woman cheats on the man, it's the kiss of death for the relationship IMO.

 

I half expect the man to cheat. It's in his DNA. Doesn't make it right, but I understand it.

 

Women (for the most part) want to be monogamous. They want to be married. When a woman cheats, it's way worse than when a man does. Particularly if it's repeated cheating.

 

What you're describing is not a marriage; it's ridiculous. I can't believe any man would invest that much time and energy into "investigating" his woman. He would do better to dump her azz, invest that energy into himself instead and find a better woman.

[SeenNotHeard]

When the woman cheats on the man, it's the kiss of death for the relationship IMO.

 

I half expect the man to cheat. It's in his DNA. Doesn't make it right, but I understand it.

 

Women (for the most part) want to be monogamous. They want to be married. When a woman cheats, it's way worse than when a man does. Particularly if it's repeated cheating.

 

What you're describing is not a marriage; it's ridiculous. I can't believe any man would invest that much time and energy into "investigating" his woman. He would do better to dump her azz, invest that energy into himself instead and find a better woman.

 

Sorry, I have a hard time processing this statement about men and almost the free pass premise all the while placing a much heavier expectation on women to be faithful. Both equally share this responsibility IMO.

[Karma24]

Sorry, I have a hard time processing this statement about men and almost the free pass premise all the while placing a much heavier expectation on women to be faithful. Both equally share this responsibility IMO.

 

That's OK. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I simply accept the fact that men and women are different.

 

I don't think there's an expectation on women to be faithful, per se, more like it's in their nature/biology/DNA to just be that way. If a woman cheats it's because there's a mismatch in the relationship.

 

In other words: something is so wrong with the chemistry in the relationship that a woman is willing to override her natural tendency to be faithful and cheat.

 

Woman cheating = kiss of death for relationship.

[WilyWill]

I don't think there's an expectation on women to be faithful, per se, more like it's in their nature/biology/DNA to just be that way. If a woman cheats it's because there's a mismatch in the relationship.

 

I think you're spot on. Because a man can produce hundreds of children in a year, he's more inclined to do just that. He's less discriminating and more promiscuous.

 

A woman, on the other hand, can only produce about one child per year. So she tends to be more selective in her choice of mate, and monogamous about it. When she cheats, it's often because she's made an entirely new selection to commit herself to.

 

I would note to SeenNotHeard, that the words "free pass" were entirely your invention. Karma24 explicitly said "doesn't make it right".

[Friskyone4u]

The bottom line is that while most here agree there are huge red flags at this point we are all guessing.

 

OP, you have two choices. Get the answers or suck it up. No grey area.

 

You can get speculation on what you post for months here or any forum. You either want to know or want to guess. The tools are there to find out. Either use them or accept you may be in an open relationship you did not sign up for. You are looking for someone here to give you a definitive answer that yuou can believe in your mind.

 

You need to stop guessing and playing ostrich and get the damm VAR in her car.

[Lady2163]

When the woman cheats on the man, it's the kiss of death for the relationship IMO.

 

I half expect the man to cheat. It's in his DNA. Doesn't make it right, but I understand it.

 

Women (for the most part) want to be monogamous. They want to be married. When a woman cheats, it's way worse than when a man does. Particularly if it's repeated cheating.

 

What you're describing is not a marriage; it's ridiculous. I can't believe any man would invest that much time and energy into "investigating" his woman. He would do better to dump her azz, invest that energy into himself instead and find a better woman.

 

You're putting an awful lot of stock in the nature part of nature versus nurture.

 

I remember when I was 16 years old. I told the adult ladies at my job I would never get married and never have children. They laughed and laughed.

 

I did get married, but every single day of the engagement and the marriage I knew this was wrong. I've never been a little bit close since my divorce.

 

I'm not the marrying kind or the mommy kind. Never been pregnant and am now in the throes of menopause, so never will. My biological clock never ticked.

 

As humans, we have evolved. I know half a dozen female acquaintances who were totally awful mothers, had no business being mothers, yet because it was expected of them, they did it. And their kids are messed up. The acquaintances came from good homes and had normal upbringings. But that nurturing didn't translate for them to be naturally good parents.

 

So, the whole dna argument is pretty weak. If this was truly a 'can't help themselves, biological need', trust me, religion and society would have adapted to it. I think Fundie Mormon and Islam are the only major reliigions that sanction/expect multiple wives.

[fenix]

I haven't read all the posts and maybe this advise has been given already, but given the story of your wife cheating on you I would do a DNA test the baby (sorry I know is painful to think about it).

If I have learned something here with the time is that the gut feeling of the people is almost always right, if you are feeling that your wife is cheating on you is because the behavioral changes that hint you to something that in your case is already a familiar feeling.

In your case and because she is already aware of all the ways you can check her out I would hire a PI. It is a bit more expensive but it will bring the results that you need.

 

I also think that you should make your mind about what are you going to do if she is cheating again, she has cheated on you without hard consequences and probably therefore she is doing it again. To survive an affair you both need to heal from it, you need to heal from her betrayal and built on your capacity to trust her again but she needs to heal from being who she is (a person capable to cheat and betray) to being someone who is trust worthy and who has strong sense of boundaries... For what I can read from your posts non of you have really healed and your actual situation is just painfully predictable. If you catch her cheating again and you rug swipe it again... you will be here in a couple of months/years again.

 

Good luck!

Edited December 20, 2016 by fenix

[ShatteredLady]

You've received a lot of responses on the cheating vs not cheating aspect of your post so I'm not going to talk about the adultery side of things.

 

When I had my first baby I was very isolated. No family & no close friends. I was in a foreign country (USA) & found things incredibly hard. I was trying to be the perfect wife & mother. It was exhausting & depressing.

 

Everything changed for me with one trip to the local library. Can your wife get there? They do all kinds of free 'Mummy & me' classes. Meeting other Mum's taught me that I was 'normal'. I then started having play dates at other parents houses.

 

The great thing was, we met couples, not the single acquaintances we had before parenthood. The last thing a marriage with infidelity needs is her starting hobbies that single people gravitate to. Most new parents are very monogamous. It made me feel better to listen to others talking about how they managed all the stresses & strains of being new parents.

 

Worth a try!!

[Karma24]

You're putting an awful lot of stock in the nature part of nature versus nurture.

 

I remember when I was 16 years old. I told the adult ladies at my job I would never get married and never have children. They laughed and laughed.

 

I did get married, but every single day of the engagement and the marriage I knew this was wrong. I've never been a little bit close since my divorce.

 

I'm not the marrying kind or the mommy kind. Never been pregnant and am now in the throes of menopause, so never will. My biological clock never ticked.

 

As humans, we have evolved. I know half a dozen female acquaintances who were totally awful mothers, had no business being mothers, yet because it was expected of them, they did it. And their kids are messed up. The acquaintances came from good homes and had normal upbringings. But that nurturing didn't translate for them to be naturally good parents.

 

So, the whole dna argument is pretty weak. If this was truly a 'can't help themselves, biological need', trust me, religion and society would have adapted to it. I think Fundie Mormon and Islam are the only major reliigions that sanction/expect multiple wives.

 

Like anything else, it is not "all or nothing." You are the exception, not the rule.

[Lady2163]

Like anything else, it is not "all or nothing." You are the exception, not the rule.

 

Spinning off-topic, so pardon please, but in the USA most studies show that I will be part of the majority in elder care when that time comes. To narrow it down:

 

1. People without children or close family to make decisions when they can't

2. People with children and close family who can't or won't make the decisions

3. People with children and close family who are devoted and can make the decisions.

 

The last statistic said 47.6%. of women in the USA between the ages of 15-44 had not married or had children. Obviously, the 15 year olds are just starting out in life, but that is the highest that number has ever been.

 

It is starting now, but I predict in 20 years there will be an overwhelming need for "helpers". Those who run errands, do minor home repairs and fixes, drivers to doctor appointments and minor procedures. I know a group of four college kids who are running ragged doing exciting things like grocery shopping and changing light bulbs for $15 an hour in a smaller town that doesn't have taxi service and only a couple of places that deliver. Word of mouth spread among the elder population. They are able to pay their way through college.

 

So, that's a decent chunk of the population that is going against "nature".

 

Like I said, if this was truly a legitimate thing: that men can't be monogamous, it would be more widely accepted and monogamy wouldn't be in marriage vows.

[fenix]

.........................................................

[Hopefuleddie]

Hello,

Sorry this is happening in your marriage. I can imagine how tough this is for you. To offer some answers to your questions, please forgive her of the past and allow time to prove the authenticity of her repentance. Without that, you will always be suspicious of her every move; and that will cause weaknesses in your relationship, and ultimately crumble it. Like cracks in building, true forgiveness is the only way to patch it. Whether she is cheating or not, i don't know. I would say please give her the benefit of a doubt ,and allow time prove her. All the best.

[usa1ah]

OP, what you are going through is the very reason I would never stay with my wife if she cheated.

 

Along with everything else her cheating has done to destroy your life, now you have to go through this.

 

Sorry OP but this one is on you. This shows that you can not fully reconcile with you wife. A string of ons has shown you what type of person your wife truly is. Hard to get past that.

 

Also, with your wife's past behavior, I would think something was going on as well now.

[usa1ah]

One more thing OP, read "No More Mister Nice Guy". It's not as bad as the name implies. Just a good book to help you stand on your own two feet. Only then can you fix the problems with your marriage if you chose to do so.

Edited December 25, 2016 by usa1ah
typo

[AlwaysSuspicious]

I appreciate the responses everyone, positive and negative. I did end up using a VAR in my closet for a day. When I analyzed the recording, there were some items if interest, but nothing solid. There were no male voices present, but there was a point in which she had been moving boxes in the recording, talks to our son a little bit, then says "Bring these two down." I brought this to her attention, as I thought that was solid. She told me she was saying something else, and then said she was probably saying something either to herself or our son. She then told me that even though she brought the mistrust on herself for what she originally did, it feels terrible to know that I still don't trust her, and think she'd bring another man into our home with our little baby. She got a ltitle teare and said all she does is basically trying to take care of her fsmile everyday. The reason I confronted her that night is because she stayed out a little too long at the store. I got paranoid, and started accusing her of stuff, even though she had been texting me the while time she was out, and actually had purchased a bunch of stuff.

I later found another portion of the recording where I could swear she's laughing and saying to the baby "Is he okay to pick you up?" I have not mentioned that one to her. She asked if I'd you just put up some cameras already so I wouldn't have to guess what's happening in recordings ha ha.

I get the hypervigilance after discovering an affair or ons. I forgot who posted it, but I also understand I can never really patch things if I don't choose to trust her and see how she works it out. What I don't get is after someone lied to you effortlessly before, how can you ever be sure they're telling the truth, even when it seems so sincere. It almost seems impossible for her toncheat, as she says, with being busy with the baby and such, but I just don't know. I tried to calm myself and just let it go for a while, and Ill probably try to do that again. Trust but verify. Oh, and to the last poster, I actually did read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Great book.

[BluesPower]

dude, dude, dude...

 

Bless your heart. How can you be so foolish? You never confront unless you have firm evidence. You could have waited another couple of weeks and it would have been evident when she was screwing her BF in your bed.

 

Listen, you really don't have the balls to catch her properly. And now, you have blown your chance. She knows about the VARS which was the best way to catch her if you really needed proper evidence.

 

You wife has been screwing around for who knows how long.

 

What you need to decide is whether or not you want to be a cuckold. If so, maybe ask her if she will let you watch? Or, if you don't want that divorce her and try to find an honest loving women that won't screw her BF in your bed.

 

Did you not read what everyone was telling you?

 

Please get yourself together and just file for divorce. Please.

[Oberfeldwebel]

The element of surprise is gone with the revelation that you have been recording her. You may as well throw them in a drawer for awhile. Being her jailor is tiring and unproductive. So what have you done to help her out around the house? Young mothers rarely get good sleep and can become so absorbed in motherhood that they lose themselves and become depressed. If she is cooking, you can do the dishes, laundry can be done in between other tasks. Let her sleep in on Saturday mornings and encourage her to go shopping with her friends. Also explore free events through the church, library, community centers for young mothers to give her avenues of expression that are marriage friendly venues. Set up date nights so that the two of you can do some events that bond you together.

[Jersey born raised]

Why did she commint adultery to begin with? We need more background information. You stated she had a string of ONS where any of them in the house?

 

What boundaries has she set in place, both short term and long term? For example my SO had a string of ONS after drinking heavily while out with the girls. Short term she has stopped drinking and gurus night out. Long term she is in IC to try to determine why when she drinks she allowed men to use her. Perhaps FOO (family of orgin) issues ?

 

Truth is no one can compeletly trust their spouse. They can believe in them but that does not mean the SO will not stray. I suggest you have a solid plan B in place. Plan A is working on reconcilition, plan B divorce. Take the time to reasearch what a divorce will do to you financially, what custody to expect (while taking steps now to increase the possiblity of better then 50/50 spilt) and where will you live, finally child care if you become a single parent.

 

Knowing you have a solid plan B will help you focus on Plan A.

 

Finally what have you done to affair proof your marriage ?