She Still Loves Me But Is In A Rebound...

[SuperMoon]

Wow 2016 has been a horrible year for me... First my health took a turn for the worst, I had to move out of my flat with my long term girlfriend to be closer to my family to recover, when I did recover I was racked with guilt about leaving her alone in the flat when I KNEW she had abandonment issues, and instead of dealing with it I for some reason went into full scale denial and spent 6 months distracting myself and being distant and cold with her.

 

Finally we had an argument (Over something petty - neither of us remember what sparked it) and once we'd calmed down we both said basically "I think we just need to end this". So off I go for the next 5 months, I'm trying to move on but every now and then my mind just says "you still love her... You could still get her back, all you need to do is pick up the phone" during my 5 months I wasn't dating, I didn't speak to anyone like that, all I did was focus on me and work.

 

She on the other hand threw herself right into dating almost instantly, or at least talking to people about it. She tried to make me jealous posting things on Facebook like "Been to [WhateverCity], at least I got laid" which didn't work on me. During these 5 months I remained distant (It felt easier) and she remained in contact and hinting at how I was the love of her life etc. However it was only at the end of the 5 months that she met this new man, I like to call him Rock (It's the polite version).

 

Rock had just ended a 6 year relationship himself, literally weeks before hand, they spoke and met up for about 3 weeks before they made it official. Within the first week of the relationship, Rock moves into my old house with my ex. He was apparently being made homeless, my ex didn't want to see that happen so took him in.

 

She tried to hide the relationship from me, because she didn't want to hurt me, or didn't want to face the music, I genuinely don't know but she didn't brag, but I'm a smart enough guy and I found out and my instant reaction was joy. I thought "Brilliant, she's finally found someone who's going to make her happy" My big problem was that I had severe flu and was bed ridden, I couldn't do anything to distract myself this time, the thoughts lingered. Denial started to break down, feelings were there. So the next few weeks of my life were spent trying to rationalise why I was only jealous, why I was only lonely, why the feelings were not real.

 

Problem is, they were, and are real. I wasn't jealous of the new guy, I didn't mis the sex, I missed her, having her in my life, having her supporting me, the future we were planning together. All of my pain came not from her being with Rock, not from him being better than me, not from past memories or a longing for our old relationship, it came from the realisation that I had hurt her and pushed her away and would never get another chance.

 

Some idiots like me don't realise what they had until it's slipped away and that's their wake up call. It certainly was mine, I'm exhausted, ever since then I've been determined to do better, to be better. I have health issues and I've fought them harder than ever. I go for walks, I've taken up art again and most importantly, I re-established myself in her life.

 

(This is where it gets interesting... To me anyway) SHE STILL LOVES ME. It took weeks of talking to her and her hinting that all was not quite well in the new relationship for me to start to piece it together enough to get her to open up. She's told me that she's not over me, she still wants to be with me BUT she can't because she still wants to try things with Rock.

 

In terms of me she's hurt and angry that I hurt her, but she's still warm and kind to me, she still loves me and she still wants to spend time with me, even though she can't always. She still trusts me and opens up to me a lot, but does get angry sometimes if I push her to see things she's not ready to. Because she's still angry she's said things like "Why should I love you after what you did?" and she seems to think if she denies her love for me, and hopes that she'll fall for Rick, that it'll just happen. (Will it? )

 

In terms of Rock she's confused, she doesn't love him and has told me that they got together because "he was there for me" and "He helped me", also not being over me at the time makes me firmly believe this is a rebound relationship (That and how quickly they've moved - He's filled my boots already, the live-in boyfriend who games, cuddles and does everything I used to) I asked her how she felt being around him and she said he makes her happy, but when he's not around she wonders if he's the one he wants to spend her life with. Here and there she slips a detail out like today, I was round at her house and I went into my old bedroom (I needed a second one for when my medical issue was bad, lot of pain, tossing and turning) and found they'd moved her bed in there, I was surprised and she said "Yeah well I spend the first night in that room in his arms thinking that it was you I should be in there with"

 

Let me just say, she's no ordinary girl, she's unconditionally loving and caring, she doesn't play mind games, she doesn't lie (Though she has to Rock when asked if she still loved me) but she has a lot of issues, she was neglected and abused as a child and she's got abandonment issues, I didn't realise quite how bad until after I'd gone. She did try and reach out for help, but I was too arrogant in my belief that "She deserves better" so I stuck to the plan of being distant. But the worst thing about her is the way she deals with emotions and feelings, she doesn't deal with them, she bottles them up and distracts herself with gaming in the hope that it'll all go away.

 

And finally, she's complaining to me that she never has any time to herself anymore because it's either Rock being there 24/7 (But for 4 hours for work on weekdays) Friends coming round without warning (She never says "go away I need a break") or housework or shopping which she takes like a moral stance on and says she "HAS" to do it.

 

When she was with me people used to comment she had a glow, she was happy in herself. She isn't right now.

 

What can I do to try and win her back? I love her with everything i have, I've made changes and am continuing to change my life to ensure that I never hurt anyone in the way that I hurt her again, but I firmly believe with every fibre of my being that this relationship cannot last and that I have it in me to make her happy, to give her the life she deserves, to make a family with her.

 

I guess I kinda need advice, support, well wishers, people saying "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE YOU LOVE?!" and anyone with an interest...

 

Thanks for your time,

 

SuperMoon

[VeveCakes]

She's playing you for a fool.

 

If she wanted you and not Rock she would be with you.

 

It's that simple. You're the back up in case things don't work out. You're the safety net....the sure thing so she won't have to be alone.

 

Sorry OP, I wouldn't want to be anyones second choice. Wake up and smell the coffee man.

 

Hate to break it to you but she is a liar....and a big one at that.

[SuperMoon]

She's playing you for a fool.

 

If she wanted you and not Rock she would be with you.

 

It's that simple. You're the back up in case things don't work out. You're the safety net....the sure thing so she won't have to be alone.

 

Sorry OP, I wouldn't want to be anyones second choice. Wake up and smell the coffee man.

 

Hate to break it to you but she is a liar....and a big one at that.

 

See that was a worry with me, but I had a conversation with her where I told her that I'm not waiting for her, she was hurt but she understood and still wanted to be friends.

 

It's a confusing situation and one that's causing me quite a bit of grief

[CelticGibson]

She told you that she still wanted to be friends?? Listen. That's the worm on the hook in a different form. She's still keeping you around in case things do not work out for her with that other guy (who is clearly giving her something you are not).

 

As long as YOU are still emotionally involved with her then friendship is out of the question. You need to cut the ties and walk away. That will demonstrate to her that you are not an option.

 

No one should be someone's option. Don't be that guy.

 

Don't choose someone who has to think twice about choosing you.

[Satu]

I agree with the previous posters.

 

She's keeping you there as a backup.

 

 

Take care.