Recently Separated

[GuyLost]

So my wife and I have been married almost 6 years together for 8. I caught her cheating on me three years ago. We worked through that. We separated 2 years ago but got back together. About a month ago she told me she had been cheating on me for 3 years meaning it never stopped. We have separated again and have been for a little over 2 weeks. She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc. I'm having to take anti depressants and go to therapy to deal with it. I'm seriously struggling. We do have 2 kids. We still see each and do things together like Christmas shopping. I told her that wasn't beneficial for me to do as being together makes me live everything over again. But when she calls or texts again I melt all over. It hasn't been the best relationship anyway. She told me today this has been an unhealthy relationship since we met!?!? I need help learning to say no, coping with not having my wife and days without my kids. Please someone!

[GorillaTheater]

She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc.

 

 

I'd tell her this: "I'll get over this at my own pace, but you're absolutely right about me moving on. I hope we can have as amicable divorce as possible."

 

 

I'm sorry man. If you haven't already, lawyer up, pronto.

[GuyLost]

Why do you say lawyer up pronto? I know she can't afford a lawyer right so I haven't stressed that one. I did meet with one but I'm in NC where you have to be separated one year before you can divorce. A separation agreement really isn't that valuable here. Just sets foundation for divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

I did meet with one but I'm in NC where you have to be separated one year before you can divorce. A separation agreement really isn't that valuable here. Just sets foundation for divorce.

 

You're making assumptions she'll act reasonably and rationally over the next year - if you spend some time reading here, not always the case.

 

And with kids and finances, things can get messy quickly.

 

If you haven't already, lawyer up, pronto.

 

Good advice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

So my wife and I have been married almost 6 years together for 8. I caught her cheating on me three years ago. We worked through that. We separated 2 years ago but got back together. About a month ago she told me she had been cheating on me for 3 years meaning it never stopped. We have separated again and have been for a little over 2 weeks. She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc. I'm having to take anti depressants and go to therapy to deal with it. I'm seriously struggling. We do have 2 kids. We still see each and do things together like Christmas shopping. I told her that wasn't beneficial for me to do as being together makes me live everything over again. But when she calls or texts again I melt all over. It hasn't been the best relationship anyway. She told me today this has been an unhealthy relationship since we met!?!? I need help learning to say no, coping with not having my wife and days without my kids. Please someone!

 

That's an understatement.

 

She's right about one thing. You do need to get over it and move on. Find someone else.

[Marc878]

You need a hard 180 except for your kids. Cut out the hanging on to her. It make you look weak and passive.

[Survivor12]

Why do you say lawyer up pronto? I know she can't afford a lawyer right so I haven't stressed that one. I did meet with one but I'm in NC where you have to be separated one year before you can divorce. A separation agreement really isn't that valuable here. Just sets foundation for divorce.

 

You need to know your rights so that you can plan and act in your own best interest. Find attorneys who offer free consultations. Set up appointments with one or two. To make the most of it, have a list of questions ready & be prepared to take notes.

 

Do your homework! The outcome of a divorce will affect your life for years to come.

[mikeylo]

Why haven't you filed yet ?

[Satu]

snip

*She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc. I'm having to take anti depressants and go to therapy to deal with it. I'm seriously struggling.

 

*That sounds like 'victim shaming' to me.

 

Sorry to say it, but your wife just isn't a nice person.

 

 

As stated by previous posters:

 

Lawyer

 

Divorce

 

 

Take care.

[40somethingGuy]

So my wife and I have been married almost 6 years together for 8. I caught her cheating on me three years ago. We worked through that. We separated 2 years ago but got back together. About a month ago she told me she had been cheating on me for 3 years meaning it never stopped. We have separated again and have been for a little over 2 weeks. She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc. I'm having to take anti depressants and go to therapy to deal with it. I'm seriously struggling. We do have 2 kids. We still see each and do things together like Christmas shopping. I told her that wasn't beneficial for me to do as being together makes me live everything over again. But when she calls or texts again I melt all over. It hasn't been the best relationship anyway. She told me today this has been an unhealthy relationship since we met!?!? I need help learning to say no, coping with not having my wife and days without my kids. Please someone!

 

One time may be a mistake (a real bad one) but twice or more is serial cheating. She does not love you. She does not care about you since you are supposed to just 'get over it.' She is poison to your mind and soul. It is hard especially when you think about what might have been but get IC and figure out how to affair proof your subsequent relationships. She will just give you a life of depression. Yes, it sucks you have to deal with her since you have kids but #1 quit trying to please her. Be very much straight forward that kids is the only subject you will discuss with her. Get a lawyer and take care of yourself. It is your only choice really.

[Bufo]

Survivor 12 is 100% right. Consult with an attorney now even if the nutty legislature where you live has decreed a one year separation before divorce can be filed.

 

Question 1. What does "separated" mean legally? A lawyer can tell you so you won't be spinning your wheels for a wasted year if you choose to D. Is a separation agreement helpful?

 

Comment 1. Have a,summary of incomes, debts and assets ready for any lawyer meeting. You will get a better picture of what divorce will look like. This includes pension information.

 

Question 2. Does fault matter for support, custody and property settlement?

If so, what proof do you need to present. Again, a lawyer will know.

 

Question 3. How long will the process take contested and uncontested?

 

Comment 2. Do not fight over trinkets unless you want to enrich lawyers.

 

Question 4. What are anticipated costs and fees? Note the lawyer isn't psychic and can't predict exactly as fees will depend in large part how nasty she gets.

 

Question 5. Child custody and visitation. How are these issues handled in your

local courts? At what age do kids' wishes become heard?

 

Comment 3. A lawyer isn't a marriage counselor or your individual counselor. S/he may know some good ones for referral purposes however.

 

For your own well-being, learn to detach. Kids and daily logistics are what you should discuss with her. That's if you decide to D. Less contact = fewer fights= easier D. Not that D is easy, but it can be less painful.

[PegNosePete]

She's told me that I need to get over it and move on

I agree, you need to divorce her and begin the long and painful process of moving on. She has shown quite clearly that she will not change her cheating ways.

 

Why do you say lawyer up pronto? I know she can't afford a lawyer right so I haven't stressed that one. I did meet with one but I'm in NC where you have to be separated one year before you can divorce. A separation agreement really isn't that valuable here. Just sets foundation for divorce.

Lawyer up means to take the advice of a lawyer. Not necessarily retain one to do your divorce or to fight in court for you. Whether she chooses to see a lawyer is immaterial: it's purely your choice whether you see one or not to assist and advise you.

 

Things I would want to know, given what you say above:

• Did the lawyer say what constitutes "separation"?
  
• Can you do separation whilst living in the same house?
  
• What do you need to do separately for it to count? Separate eating, cleaning, washing, grocery shopping, etc?
  
• What proof of that do judges need? A diary? Receipts?
  

A lawyer could also advise you on how to handle finances during your separation period. What do you do with joint accounts? What if she blows all your joint savings, and how can you prevent that? What are the financial ramifications of one of you moving out, either buying or renting another place, during the separation? These are all very important things that you can do NOW in preparation for that 1 year anniversary. It's important to line your ducks up now to make it a much smoother divorce in a year. And to get the timer started, of course...

[OatsAndHall]

Why do you say lawyer up pronto? I know she can't afford a lawyer right so I haven't stressed that one. I did meet with one but I'm in NC where you have to be separated one year before you can divorce. A separation agreement really isn't that valuable here. Just sets foundation for divorce.

 

It's good to hear she can't afford a lawyer: that means you'll back her into a corner. That sound ****ty to say but divorces with kids can be nasty and it doesn't sound like you've got a sane wife on your hands. Get a lawyer, start hammering out a settlement agreement with him with regards to finances, child support, and custody and go from there.

[karlw78]

So my wife and I have been married almost 6 years together for 8. I caught her cheating on me three years ago. We worked through that. We separated 2 years ago but got back together. About a month ago she told me she had been cheating on me for 3 years meaning it never stopped. We have separated again and have been for a little over 2 weeks. She's told me that I need to get over it and move on etc. I'm having to take anti depressants and go to therapy to deal with it. I'm seriously struggling. We do have 2 kids. We still see each and do things together like Christmas shopping. I told her that wasn't beneficial for me to do as being together makes me live everything over again. But when she calls or texts again I melt all over. It hasn't been the best relationship anyway. She told me today this has been an unhealthy relationship since we met!?!? I need help learning to say no, coping with not having my wife and days without my kids. Please someone!

 

I think you have answered your own question, you just need to say "No". If she is even admitting that it has been an unhealthy relationship then fair enough, doesn't mean she can use that as an excuse to cheat on you.

 

Sometimes taking yourself out of the equation is all for the best, concentrate on your kids and make sure they have everything they need and as much of your time as possible and embrace watching them grow up.

 

There will be difficult times when you feel lonely or she messages you out of the blue but according to her you are in an "unhealthy relationship", her words, not yours.

[Popsicle]

I think you should have worded this "How do I get my wife back and make her stop having an affair?". You sound like you don't want a divorce but she wants one so you're in this position. Your wife may recognize this and is trying to have her cake and eat it too. This is why people are recommending you get tough on her and do a 180.

It's telling to me that she hasn't filed for D.

[Marc878]

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