Forgiveness of affairs

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

If you rerad a some books, and one called " Not Just Freinds" is a good one, most of them will say that more marriages end when the female cheats not only because men do not forgive but because women more often are checked out of the marriage emotionally before the affair begins.

 

I think it can be misleading to assume from what is on these forums that men forgive more easily. They do not but men more often are paralyzed of fear and co dependent and the uncertainty of after being emasculated as to how they will ever pursue women again keeps them from acting. And just because a marriage does not officially end on D Day, the term reconciled is misused when there is nothing more than cohabitation.

 

And lastly, the men who have any infidelity as a deal breaker never make it to these forums. They just divorce.

[Mrs. John Adams]

OP,

 

If you rerad a some books, and one called " Not Just Freinds" is a good one, most of them will say that more marriages end when the female cheats not only because men do not forgive but because women more often are checked out of the marriage emotionally before the affair begins.

 

I think it can be misleading to assume from what is on these forums that men forgive more easily. They do not but men more often are paralyzed of fear and co dependent and the uncertainty of after being emasculated as to how they will ever pursue women again keeps them from acting. And just because a marriage does not officially end on D Day, the term reconciled is misused when there is nothing more than cohabitation.

 

And lastly, the men who have any infidelity as a deal breaker never make it to these forums. They just divorce.

 

......Or not

[Chica80]

Four years is a really long time....and so many variables. It is hard to say.

 

STBX used to tell me he would never forgive an A. That he would be out and it would be over. I confessed to xH, not because I wanted forgiveness because I was done and wanted out. He wanted to work on things and I said no. If he wanted to work on things he should know that I was in love with someone else, and Although I was not leaving to be with AP. I just couldn't stay anymore. The thing he said he would never forgive. He then was willing to look past.

 

So you never know. I think it depends on the circumstances and variables, It truly is different to every person.

[Midwestmissy]

Wh had a 6-7 month affair. Then lied for another 18mos. And we are in R. Had it been long term and had love been involved, it would have been even harder. Had I seen evidence of love, leaving, etc, I couldn't have stayed. Four years? It guts me to think about it. It's too humiliating for me, and I'm so embarrassed and humiliated as it is.

 

I don't judge those who stay after that, but I couldn't have done it well. To know he loved someone else ? To read all about it? I'm stumbling along now as it is.

[sadwife48]

When I was single, there was a man living in my apartment complex who was separated from his wife (she stayed in their house). He asked me to marry him when his divorce was final - I made friends with his wife - the three of us spent holidays together. He and I lived together for four years before I gave up on the divorce and kicked him out. His wife came and helped him move - back in with her! She and I were still friends - exchanging recipes and emails for another ten years... But I never would have taken back the scoundrel!

[ShatteredLady]

As others have said, you truly never know. Some days I would say "If I were young & healthy. If I had a chance of a career or any kind of future then I would probably leave." But the truth is he DID do it when I was younger, healthy, had friends & a career I could go back to AND in the abuse way it was far worse the first time!

 

If I had known that he would drag her back into our lives now? After 12 years, now that we have kids? Now that I'm so sick? I wish I had got on the first plane home 12 years ago!! I know people will say "...but you wouldn't have your children!" But I wouldn't know & id probably have other children.

 

I have no idea how long it really lasted either time or what really happened. I know that he "thought that he loved her at the time" & I know that he is capable of treating me with utter contempt & cruelty...but he's also capable of great kindness! I don't know!

 

Some call it codependent. I just feel utterly dependent & that's terrifying!

 

Some days I say that I love him & it's worth another try for ME, for MY FAMILY. today isn't one...not for any good reason. We had a perfectly nice day yesterday. Im just sick in the head...or 'cracked" as he says.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As others have said, you truly never know. Some days I would say "If I were young & healthy. If I had a chance of a career or any kind of future then I would probably leave." But the truth is he DID do it when I was younger, healthy, had friends & a career I could go back to AND in the abuse way it was far worse the first time!

 

If I had known that he would drag her back into our lives now? After 12 years, now that we have kids? Now that I'm so sick? I wish I had got on the first plane home 12 years ago!! I know people will say "...but you wouldn't have your children!" But I wouldn't know & id probably have other children.

 

I have no idea how long it really lasted either time or what really happened. I know that he "thought that he loved her at the time" & I know that he is capable of treating me with utter contempt & cruelty...but he's also capable of great kindness! I don't know!

 

Some call it codependent. I just feel utterly dependent & that's terrifying!

 

Some days I say that I love him & it's worth another try for ME, for MY FAMILY. today isn't one...not for any good reason. We had a perfectly nice day yesterday. Im just sick in the head...or 'cracked" as he says.

 

SL...I can't pretend to know why or what makes you tick. But I do think that at this point because of your health...you are more vulnerable and dependent and frightened.

 

I would like to know...the first time he cheated and you were healthy...was he as verbally abusive to you as he is now? Does he ever speak to you abusively in front of anyone else?

 

I pray he does it in front of your mother...because I cant wait for her to put him in his place. I know you have not told your parents about either of his affairs...but if my son in law spoke to my daughter the way you say your husband sometimes speaks to you...you would have to pull me off of him.

 

Do you ever snap back at him when he is so hateful to you? For example...when he says you are sick in the head...do you turn it back around to him...and say things like yes I am because i put up with your shyt?

 

I have never been abused verbally by my husband and maybe that's not the way to handle it...but it would be really hard for me to stand by and listen to a man say the things your husband says to you and not jump astraddle of him.

 

Infidelity is horrible....and certainly is a form of abuse...but dear god in heaven...the things this man says to you...ESPECIALLY because you are so ill...in my opinion deserves severe punishment.

 

Please stop believing the things he says...he has beaten you down and made you question everything about yourself....and none of it is true.

[aileD]

When I was single, there was a man living in my apartment complex who was separated from his wife (she stayed in their house). He asked me to marry him when his divorce was final - I made friends with his wife - the three of us spent holidays together. He and I lived together for four years before I gave up on the divorce and kicked him out. His wife came and helped him move - back in with her! She and I were still friends - exchanging recipes and emails for another ten years... But I never would have taken back the scoundrel!

 

That's just ****ed up!

[Chica80]

As others have said, you truly never know. Some days I would say "If I were young & healthy. If I had a chance of a career or any kind of future then I would probably leave." But the truth is he DID do it when I was younger, healthy, had friends & a career I could go back to AND in the abuse way it was far worse the first time!

 

If I had known that he would drag her back into our lives now? After 12 years, now that we have kids? Now that I'm so sick? I wish I had got on the first plane home 12 years ago!! I know people will say "...but you wouldn't have your children!" But I wouldn't know & id probably have other children.

 

I have no idea how long it really lasted either time or what really happened. I know that he "thought that he loved her at the time" & I know that he is capable of treating me with utter contempt & cruelty...but he's also capable of great kindness! I don't know!

 

Some call it codependent. I just feel utterly dependent & that's terrifying!

 

Some days I say that I love him & it's worth another try for ME, for MY FAMILY. today isn't one...not for any good reason. We had a perfectly nice day yesterday. Im just sick in the head...or 'cracked" as he says.

 

Shattered NO one deserves this!! I'm sorry you have to go through this. I don't know that I would make a different choice if I was sick too.

 

Is there real love? At all? Love doesn't do this. Love doesn't destroy of tear down. That is not love. He has no right to speak to you the way he does.

I don't know where you live, but do you stay with him because of the health benefits. You may not be able to leave because you need or want to stay.

 

But you can say you are not allowed to speak to me that way. You are not allowed to treat me this way. And if you are going to stay then stay! And be here truly be here!! Not just in physical financial form. Otherwise this contempt and resentment only provides further toxicity to your healing.

[eightytwenty]

No. It shows I'm not valued if they can go 4 years in a A. A one night fling, I don't know, but I doubt it. I have trust issues when trust is broken.

[Giggle]

It was 3 months and he was away. That was hard enough to deal with. If he had wanted to stay, I'm sure I would have let it go. But he waffled. And he never apologized. He wanted me to beg him to stay and insist he stayed. But he never acted like with me was where he wanted to be never said it.

 

And I still asked if she could be his mistress so I could keep him ? Like 2 days after D-day. I ended up telling him no reconciling.

 

Had it been so long? It's obviously a big thing in their life. Not a fling. I wasn't gonna stop him from being with this girl he loved after 3 months.

 

 

My mm has said that long term was worse. I have come up between him and his wife a couple of times. And he has made it sound like I was somebody else the next time. He'd rather she thought that it was separate girls than the same person that whole time. Ugh. EA.

[kiyoma]

I asked this questions for personal reasons, obviously. You see, I am in an A for the last 3 months. The personality of my wife is no way I can imagine will be forgiving (and I have no intention pleading with my wife to not divorce me but thats another story). She is more likely to scream and yell at me for a long time, smear my character to anyone who will listen. And most definitely walk out on me and divorce. I don't believe she is cut out for reconciliation (not that I want it anyway).

 

But then again, if he were to drop all of those attitudes and plead with me to stay and fix it and she says will do her best to move past my A, I am not sure what my reaction will be....

[kiyoma]

Not sure where your getting your information but it's not factual. Most men AND women try to reconcile with their cheating spouse. As we know it doesn't always work out. Men are more likely to divorce their WW after the initial shock of d-day wears off and they realize they cannot forgive.

 

Bolded part of your comment is totally incorrect. Men most definitely stay. Even if they say they are suffering mind movies, loss of trust, respect, doubts of TT, etc. For reference she MidnightBlue's real life story 2 comments below this quoted comment. And its not the only story. In my RL, I know 2 women who cheated and their H's stayed with them. One of them even left the H and child for sometime for the OM but came back.

 

Unbolded part I agree but what you stated for men is more likely for women. They leave after sometime.

[kiyoma]

Statically speaking women are 7 times more likely to take back a WS. Honestly men actually rarely stay in the marriage after being cheated on.

 

You see as per statistics, 70-75% women are the initiators of divorces (number varies year to year but never less than 70%).

 

Marriages where men cheat is around 55-60%

 

For women, 40-45%.

 

Around 35% of all divorces cite infidelity of one partner as the reason.

 

I can go into complex calculation here with these variable but fact is your number of 7 times for men is wrong because that would shoot up the men's number of filing for divorce more than 25-30%.

[kiyoma]

OP,

 

If you rerad a some books, and one called " Not Just Freinds" is a good one, most of them will say that more marriages end when the female cheats not only because men do not forgive but because women more often are checked out of the marriage emotionally before the affair begins.

 

I think it can be misleading to assume from what is on these forums that men forgive more easily. They do not but men more often are paralyzed of fear and co dependent and the uncertainty of after being emasculated as to how they will ever pursue women again keeps them from acting. And just because a marriage does not officially end on D Day, the term reconciled is misused when there is nothing more than cohabitation.

 

And lastly, the men who have any infidelity as a deal breaker never make it to these forums. They just divorce.

 

LS is not a holistic sample for definite conclusions but its a good research sample. The BH of the WWs here are not posting but I hardly see a WW who wants to stay in the marriage post in the divorce section even after more than 2-3 years of DDay (or the last DDay). That means their BH have accepted their wives' affair and regardless staying.

 

I truly believe that when it comes to emotional endurance, men are way way stronger than women (but society teaches us opposite). All the BHs talk about horrible mind movies, feeling of being 2nd choice, tainted memories (and there's quite a lot of men because statistically its also proven women cheat on a longer term than men), TT, multiple DDays, lost of trust, blatant disrespect by the wayward wife, etc etc. Yet, with all these obstacles, they seem to find a way to reconcile with THEMSELVES than they need to stay because "they love their wife" and "they want to fix whats wrong".

[kiyoma]

kiyoma,

 

I do not think your first part is are l question. No most men divorce wifes, or dump girl friends who cheat. I think you real question, and more to the point is "But would women forgive LT EA/PA of the WH, say of 4 years?" IN this case generally the longer the affair the higher risk of divorce, but in the end it depends on each couple. Most will split, but some do reconcile.

 

If this is a question about yourself, you need to dig into yourself and decide what you want. What makes sense for you. Myself, I think I would find it vary hard to forgive my wife if she engaged in a years long affair. When confronted, I may change my mind, so I hope never to have that chance. In any case, there is hope, both if you stay, or if you divorce. Life will get better, and you will persevere.

 

I wish you luck........

 

Its an abstract answer at best. So I will reply with another abstract answer.

 

Yes, we will all be okay. No matter who we are and what we are feeling. Because the end destiny is same for all of us. All our choices won't matter in the end because we will all be under the earth. All these choices we worry about, no one will remember in a 100 years time.

[elaine567]

We can discuss whether "men" are more likely to reconcile, or whether "women" are more likely to divorce or vice versa all night long, but it will make no difference to your particular situation, will it?

 

Even if it was found that 99.9% of women would forgive their husband's 3 month affair, YOUR wife may still be one of the 0.1% who would not.

[Strongerlife]

No. I don't care what the reason is. How long the relationship is/was. It's wrong and hurtful.

 

If they cheated, they lied. They came home after cheating and looked their spouse in the eye and acted like nothing happened.

 

They knew what they were doing was wrong and did it anyways. They purposedly hurt someone who trusted them.

 

Why forgive that? Thats a deal breaker.

[DKT3]

Not sure where your getting this idea that men stay more often, it's simply false.

 

Who started the divorce process isn't an indication of who quit the marriage. Men tend to be more passive aggressive in ending relationships, is forcing the female to end it by d behaving poorly. Or simply leaving.

 

But as another said it has no effect on your situation, stats merely show trends and what's more likely.

 

However stating you know how your wife will react is a huge mistake, one of the biggest mistakes WS make. You're judging from who she is, not who your infidelity will turn her into.

[Deeplyhurt30]

I do not think I could forgive a long term affair. But really and truly what is the definition of a long term affair? 6 months, a year, 4 years...? I find myself questioning that in my own situation. My WH affair was 6-7 months but he waited 2 years to tell me about it while staying at his job around her. NC really and truly didnt start until he confessed to me. I have to go on his word that nothing happened during that gap of not knowing...its very painful because those thoughts eat at me when I am not around him. My point here is that pain is pain no matter how long or short. If my WH affair was any longer than it was i do not think I would feel the same way. There is only so much a person who says they love you can place on you and think that you should "take". years of lying and deceit is a deal breaker for me personally.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Deeplyhurt30

[cigbunt]

If she doesn't respect me, then I wont stay with her another second. Through her actions she has proven that she doesn't respect me, therefore I'll dump her ass.

 

She can go cuckold someone else.

[elaine567]

If she doesn't respect me, then I wont stay with her another second. Through her actions she has proven that she doesn't respect me, therefore I'll dump her ass.

 

She can go cuckold someone else.

 

The question is whether a woman would forgive her husband's affair that had been going on for 4 years...