Affair is making me depressed

[lostinlust80]

I'm a MOW and have been in a long distance affair on/off for over 2 years. Lately, I find myself nagging and irritable with my husband and I can't stop crying. I try to do a lot of self analysis and I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm trying to look for excuses to end my marriage? I truly want off this roller coaster and to be happy again.

[Satu]

It might be the other way around - you might be provoking your husband to end the marriage for you.

 

Its good that you do a lot of self-analysis; most people don't, and consequently live their lives as a strangers to themselves.

 

You said: "I truly want off this roller coaster and to be happy again."

 

But what you really want is what you have.

 

That only makes sense if you accept that wanting is partly conscious wanting and partly subconscious wanting.

 

Part of you definitely wants you to be where you are and in the affair.

 

Thats why those two conditions persist.

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

 

 

Take care.

[CommittedToThis]

I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm trying to look for excuses to end my marriage?

 

Hi!

 

Did you subconsciously submit this post?

 

It's pretty obvious, isn't it:

 

It might be the other way around - you might be provoking your husband to end the marriage for you.

 

The bottom line is by being deceitful you are robbing your husband of the ability to make rational decisions based in reality.

 

The reality is you are involved with someone else.

 

Make the choice: husband or someone else.

 

Otherwise I don't have to tell you what will likely transpire across all facets of your life.

[Midwestmissy]

My wh picked fights with me after he had been with his ow. He told himself, "see? Midwest is so awful, I shouldn't feel bad about my affair." It did a number on my mental state, that's for sure.

 

Two years? Why aren't you running off with this awesome man who you don't nag? He sounds like a dream compared to your husband. Better yet, ask your husband what he thinks of all this - I'd bet you won't be on the fence too long. Seriously, be fair to the man you made vows to,

[CommittedToThis]

My wh picked fights with me after he had been with his ow. He told himself, "see? Midwest is so awful, I shouldn't feel bad about my affair." It did a number on my mental state, that's for sure.

 

This is a classic borderline or narcissistic personality disorder behavior; the PD fears abandonment, and the closer they get to you, the more they fear you leaving. So they make you the bad guy by provoking you with insanely ridiculous manipulations until you defend yourself, then they now have the justification to go on to Plan B. Because, you see, you are a jerk, and they fear abandonment so there is ALWAYS a Plan B.

 

I've loved spending the past year studying NPD, said me never.

[Friskyone4u]

I'm a MOW and have been in a long distance affair on/off for over 2 years. Lately, I find myself nagging and irritable with my husband and I can't stop crying. I try to do a lot of self analysis and I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm trying to look for excuses to end my marriage? I truly want off this roller coaster and to be happy again.

 

Sounds like you want a lot. Its all about you. You are lying, cheating, and deceiving a clueless man who is probably providing at least 50% of your ability to live where you do and maintain your lifestyle and family. So if you are looking for congratulations I don't think you'll find much.

 

No one here know what you are trying to do. What we do know is that it is not uncommon at all for a cheating woman to find things wrong with her BH in order to convince herself that you deserve this happiness. After all, you ****ty husband is responsible for your unhappiness and being on the roller coaster.

 

Now, nowhere have you mentioned ending your affair, so if you're looking to get off the roller coaster while leading a double life indefinitely, you'll be Houdini if you are able to do that. And when you get caught, and most cheaters do ( I know you're different), if you think you are on a rollercoaster now i hate to see what you'll be like when all hell breaks loose.

[Poppy47]

Does your husband ever question your mood?

 

Surely he must have a gut feeling that all is not right between you???

 

As they say "Fix it or leave it!"

 

 

He could probably find somebody who would make him happier than you.

 

Poppy

[Forever broken]

My wh picked fights with me after he had been with his ow. He told himself, "see? Midwest is so awful, I shouldn't feel bad about my affair." It did a number on my mental state, that's for sure.

 

You are absolutely right. Sometimes some of them use that to justify the affair. And that's a sure way to win sympathy from the OW also.

[BluesPower]

Since this is the OW/OM forum maybe we should not beat up everyone in this situation. Lots of people have been here.

 

Look lost, I looked back over your other threads. And I am guessing that you have read enough to really understand what is going on with your affair. If you really are being honest with yourself you already know what to do.

 

You are depressed for the following reasons:

 

1) You are in an affair with a married man, and at times the guilt is hard to bear.

 

2) You are in love with a man that does not love you or at least does not love you enough to leave his wife. If he did, he would and deep down you know that you two will never be together.

 

3) You may care for your husband, maybe, but you are irritable with him because he is not the wonderful, handsome other man. He is not as good in the sack as the OM and he is not showing the same attention to you as the other man does, when you are together. But understand that the dutiful hard working husband can never be as exciting as the wonderful sexy OM.

 

4) You live in fear of discovery by his wife or your husband and if that happens most likely the affair will be over.

 

So those are just the top 4 reasons that you are depressed.

 

I think the main one is that you are dishonest with yourself. You are lying to yourself that the affair is really OK, but you know it is not. You lie to yourself that the OM really loves your but he just can't leave his kids and all the money he will lose in the divorce. You lie to yourself that you are more that a side piece to your OM. You lie to yourself that you are really important to him and not just a side screw. I mean how could the sex be so great if he did not love you, Right?

 

Here is the reality, you want to be married to your husband or you don't. And you need to stop lying to yourself about the affair.

 

He will never leave his wife, and you will never be able to have a real relationship with him no matter how much you want it.

 

If you want off the roller coaster and if you want to get a handle on your depression, then have the courage to end the affair and work on your marriage.

 

Or, you could end your marriage and continue to have the affair. That option will never make you feel as good as a real honest relationship will, but at least you can get over the guilt of cheating on your husband.

 

But either way, your MOM will never be able to be with you that way that you want.

 

And, really, you already know that.

[freengreen]

I did this too.. it gets worse and all you want to do is to get off from everyone around you and talk to him/text him. Abandoning husband and kids who love you anytime to be with this man who are here for a reason, it must strike sometime.

 

Also my MM played text mind games, cruelly. May be yours is the same.Anyway,

Only solution:End it.

 

Do whatever you have to. It will take few months but you will be happier than you are now and your family will have you back righteously.

[Logan787]

Ask yourself if all the pain you are going through is worth the little pleasure you get out of your affair.