Both married having an affair. .

[Aurorra79]

Hi I'm new to this forum.

 

Just looking for someone to talk to and offload as I have no one else to discuss what is going on. Please I'm not looking to be criticised or judgment, just some advice. I am an intelligent person who knows what I'm doing (most of the time!)

 

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

Have recently lost all my baby weight and coming out of the baby fog that has consumed me for the past few years. Starting to feel more like my old self before kids and of course have become attractive to men again. My sex drive has come back with a vengenance and have found myself wanting to do things I've never wanted to do ever and explore my sexuality, with everyone but my husband...

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things. I'm 37 and he's 42, very intelligent, works in health so has an occupation which requires a high level of discretion. We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part.

 

He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife, he loves her but finds her so conservative in the bedroom and they are too up and down a lot of the time. I'm not looking to leave my marriage at the moment and would leave on my own accord not for someone else if it were to happen.

 

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have fallen hard for this guy. He's everything I could have wanted in someone. We have similar pasts, views, interests, personalities...the list goes on. The sex is something I have never experienced before ever. An out of body and mind blowing experience.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person. It's almost like trying to start a new relationship but it's not a normal situation and everything is intensified and heightened more so than normal. I have tried to call it off a few times, as I can't handle the stress of it and functioning in my day to day life, but he always manages to talk me around and reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

[Marc878]

You are his side piece nothing more. He's already shown and told you what to expect.

 

You're wanting to believe in a fairytale. Better wake up or you'll be where most end up. Divorced.

[anika99]

He isn't going to leave his wife for you and even if he did he isn't going to want you and your 3 or 4 kids. Where do your children fit into your affair? How are they affected by your preoccupation with the OM? Most parents involved in affairs will insist that they are always wonderful perfect parents even when they are obsessing over their affair partners. Once the affair ends they usually admit that they weren't really fully present for their children during the affair.

 

You are risking your children's home for this low life serial cheat. Do you value him more than you value your children? If you are terribly unhappy with your husband, then by all means, divorce him but please don't drag your children through the ugliness of infidelity. Don't cheat your children out of all that they deserve from you because you would rather walk around with your head stuck in the fog of an affair.

[WilyWill]

Not allowed to see his own kids? Makes you wonder what kind of monster he is. But oooh, he's sooo exciting, the bad boy! So forbidden and unattainable too!

 

Divorce your husband so he can find a decent woman. Get some counseling for yourself to address your issues.

[Steen719]

Hi I'm new to this forum.

 

Just looking for someone to talk to and offload as I have no one else to discuss what is going on. Please I'm not looking to be criticised or judgment, just some advice. I am an intelligent person who knows what I'm doing (most of the time!)

 

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

Have recently lost all my baby weight and coming out of the baby fog that has consumed me for the past few years. Starting to feel more like my old self before kids and of course have become attractive to men again. My sex drive has come back with a vengenance and have found myself wanting to do things I've never wanted to do ever and explore my sexuality, with everyone but my husband...

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things. I'm 37 and he's 42, very intelligent, works in health so has an occupation which requires a high level of discretion. We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part.

 

He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife, he loves her but finds her so conservative in the bedroom and they are too up and down a lot of the time. I'm not looking to leave my marriage at the moment and would leave on my own accord not for someone else if it were to happen.

 

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have fallen hard for this guy. He's everything I could have wanted in someone. We have similar pasts, views, interests, personalities...the list goes on. The sex is something I have never experienced before ever. An out of body and mind blowing experience.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person. It's almost like trying to start a new relationship but it's not a normal situation and everything is intensified and heightened more so than normal. I have tried to call it off a few times, as I can't handle the stress of it and functioning in my day to day life, but he always manages to talk me around and reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

It might help you more to post in the OW/OM threads. There will likely be more people in your situation who could answer you. This is not meant to run you away, but to point you to people who are more likely to be in your situation. Many posters on this thread have been on the receiving end of the cheating.

 

But as a short answer to you, my guess would be that if you look at what you wrote in a dispassionate manner, you would see that your importance to him is certainly limited.

[lovechunker]

I feel for you, but I'm gonna tell you what I would if you were my sister. "You can do better. You deserve to feel loved and cared about and special." Honestly, this dude is not worth your time. Sometimes its helpful to mentally look at the situation as if you were God (or some all powerful being, but you get the point) looking down on the situation from above. This removes you from the emotions. I get that you're not happy in your current relationship. Have you figured out why yet? Have you had a talk with your old ball and chain? Do you really think this one is going to be different. At one point in time you were head over heels for your current husband, or else bored and didn't want to be alone. so you married him. Now you're messing with a dude who's dating resume says, "hey I'm awesome at seducing chicks and then can't keep it going for longer than a few years." He's the epitome of work resume with a employment gaps every other year. Are you going to hire that person? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Not sorry if you don't like my no nonsense approach. I would never judge you're actions, but if you want to be happy in the long run, then sister, you're trying to jump on the wrong train. Peace (Y)

[drifter777]

Dump the MM. Buy a Hitachi Magic Wand and a few other sex toys and tell your husband that night time is play time. Put some effort into repairing your marriage. Your alternative is probably being a single mom sharing custody of your kids.

[elaine567]

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

You were a dry sponge looking for some moisture

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things... We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part. He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife,

Local Lothario looking for a vulnerable married woman he can use for sex.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person.

I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

Par for the course - look about on the OW part of the forum - same story again and again and again.

 

I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive)

Your ego can't believe that he is not actively choosing you.

YOU are young, hot, sexy, intelligent, he keeps telling you that, he builds you up so far your ego knows no bounds, yet his actions do not match his words - he is SUPPOSED to choose you over his wife, prioritise YOU, only he doesn't and that is the confusing and upsetting part.

[elaine567]

I guess your MM is a serial cheater, this is not his first affair - he has his set "rules" and he has put you into a once a week box too.

 

This is dangerous for you.

If found out your OM will throw you under a bus, his wife will most likely forgive him; she probably knows what he is like anyway.

Whereas your husband will not forgive you very easily, especially if he finds out you are entertaining this guy in your home (stop that immediately is my advice, if you have to see him then keep him away from your home).

You are likely looking at single parenthood.

YOU may think you are miserable now, but...

[Zenstudent]

You claim to be an intelligent person, and that you know what you're doing. So where does your husband fit into this unique love story?

Because to me, from reading your story, it seems that he is the one who gets the short end of the stick - not you?

[road]

I guess your MM is a serial cheater, this is not his first affair - he has his set "rules" and he has put you into a once a week box too.

 

This is dangerous for you.

If found out your OM will throw you under a bus, his wife will most likely forgive him; she probably knows what he is like anyway.

Whereas your husband will not forgive you very easily, especially if he finds out you are entertaining this guy in your home (stop that immediately is my advice, if you have to see him then keep him away from your home).

You are likely looking at single parenthood.

YOU may think you are miserable now, but...

 

Yes this way scheduling his other OW is kept simple. His M appointment, his Tues........ Friday appt.

[road]

I don't blame you or wanting wild animal sex. It is great. Just ask Jen and others here.

 

 

Why does your BH not deserve wild sex with you?

 

 

Though you do.

[Giacomo67]

ehmmm..... i might be a voice out of the crowd but i think that you should divorce your husben and move on with your life with other men possibly not married.

You started this thread writing down that you are an intelligent person, and please dont think that i am judging you.... but do you honestly think that asking advise about your affair with a married man while you yourself are still married is something that an intelligent woman would ask?

Sorry if i am blunt, but may i ask why you are still married?

[GoldenR]

All of this is happening in yours and your husband's house?!

 

Geez, I mean, it's not like what you're doing is good for your H, but man, what a way to top it all off, but with a great big flip of the bird to him by doing it only in his house! And we've heard it all before, so many times, that you're not doing it in the marital bed. Please....

 

You want advice? Divorce your H as you don't deserve him and he deserves better, and wait for OM. I'm sure he'll come around eventually.

[NTV]

So one night of wild monkey sex is worth only seeing your kids for half their lives? That's the deal you're looking at.

[BaileyB]

This is a dangerous game you are playing. You will be hurt, your husband will be hurt, and your kids will be hurt.

 

If you want to keep your family together, you need to end your affair and work on your marriage. But, if you are that unhappy, at least have the integrity to end your marriage before you begin a relationship with another man. That is the very least that your husband deserves.

 

Unfortunately, the people who will be hurt the most by your poor judgment and bad decisions are your children. They don't deserve that. Make a different choice!

[Aurorra79]

You were a dry sponge looking for some moisture

 

 

Local Lothario looking for a vulnerable married woman he can use for sex.

 

 

Par for the course - look about on the OW part of the forum - same story again and again and again.

 

 

Your ego can't believe that he is not actively choosing you.

YOU are young, hot, sexy, intelligent, he keeps telling you that, he builds you up so far your ego knows no bounds, yet his actions do not match his words - he is SUPPOSED to choose you over his wife, prioritise YOU, only he doesn't and that is the confusing and upsetting part.

 

Gosh you are so so right

[BTDT2012]

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

So, he's too cheap to spring for a hotel room. Do you really want to trade your marriage for a cheap booty call?

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

Yet he chose to make a public commitment to her, and told you upfront that he has no plans to leave her. Get out of this mess.

 

 

 

[Aurorra79]

Not responding to any more comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

[BoaConstrictor]

Not responding to any more comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

 

Loveshack is a lion's den for the wayward spouses who haven't called it quits yet, especially women.

 

FWIW, I understand your sex drive post-baby. It happened to me too. It's a force to be reckoned with.

[Popsicle]

He's not going to make the same mistake again and "rescue" another married woman from her marriage, while simultaneously ending his marriage. I think you are hoping for that but I doubt he'll do that again. Yes he likes having an OW and an affair and I think this time he'll keep it within that realm.

[aileD]

You sound exactly like every other OW on here. Your affair relationship isn't special. The mind blowing sex? Standard in the affair handbook. Secrecy has a lot to do with that. Illicitness, forbidden fruit. All that crap makes the sex SEEM more exciting.

 

 

 

You're not getting the short end of any stick. You have your cake and are eating it too. Your kids and husband are the ones getting the short end of the stick. You got married and made a conscious effort to start a family. You brought four (I'm assuming based on your "pregnant four years" comment) children into this world and into a family and now you are blowing up their world because you got your body back and need some mind blowing sex? You gave your husband a family he thought was going to be there forever and now you're drooling over some guy who honestly---based on your list--is a complete player and loser who obviously knows how to play the game to get women for sex.

 

You may have come out of the baby fog but you're still in some other type of fog.

 

I know you don't want Jugdement but you need it. You need to wake the hell up and think about what you're doing to your kids and husband and what it's going to cost YOU when they find out. And they will.

 

Ive been keeping a little list of comments made on the site by people having an affair. People that have come here to tell their story and get advice because their world has gone to hell because they made the same choices you have. People who have had years of pain. And guess what? They all felt the same way you did.

We met at a hotel and had what I would have to describe as one of the most amazing nights of my life. Before or after husband

 

Little did I know I was really falling for this guy in a way that I've never felt about anyone else, even my own husband

 

 

What this new A gave me was something I have not experienced with ANY man I have ever been with.

 

 

I felt an emotional closeness to this man, he said he shared this, we felt physically compatible and both said we felt like soulmates.

 

I do love my husband but not in anyway the way I feel about this man my best friend.

 

I love my husband our marriage is not on shaky ground and we have a pretty normal sex life. But this connection between this OM and myself is so strong I just don’t know how to get over it whic

 

Oddly, I think I know him better than the man I was married to

 

. We talked about so much, and connected on things that my husband and I never had in common

 

 

He's had multiple affairs before me but I feel like I was different to him.

 

sex was so good... The best I ever had

 

He made me feel something that I had never felt before, alive.

 

the connection I had with him I just couldn't break it no matter what I told myself

 

knew there was undeniable chemistry.

Sound familiar? It's not special. It's textbook. And your kids are going to suffer for it. Get your head out of the damn clouds and get into thereapy to figure yourself out. It isn't about this guy. It's about you and what you're missing that you see in this guy that makes you overlook giant red flags (and your family)...find out what you are missing in you and then you won't be so destructive with your life and your children and husbands lives. It's not just you now.

 

Edited to add: you're deluding yourself thinking your kids aren't exposed to this..all the energy you are putting into waiting for texts, worrying, planning, daydreaming and all that is taking time away from your kids. The affair is stealing their mom from them. And do you think you should get a trophy for not having them around while you have sex with him on your marital bed, house, property?? Come on. Where's your wedding ring when your ****ing him? Are their pics of your kids around when this guy is sticking in his d*** in their mom? Wedding pics? Do you sleep on the same sheets with your husband?

 

WHO ARE YOU? is this really who you are? Deep down inside? I don't think so. I think you're hurt for some other reason and missing something and you don't want to consciously deal with it so you've latched on to this serial cheater so you don't have to deal with yourself.

 

Look in the mirror . Are you really that person???

 

Edit- I'm sorry you didn't get what you were looking for here but I think you got what you needed. Even if you don't respond I hope you continue to read and read some of the other stories here so you can help open your eyes.

 

People can be harsh here but it's because we have been through it. We see your naivety and want to spare you the same stuff others went through.

 

I hope you can figure this out so we don't see you back here in six months saying "I should have listened to you all"

 

Good luck and I will pray for your family.

[DKT3]

It's common to see a wayward spouse start posting them run for the hills quickly.

 

I think it's because for soo very long they have convinced themselves that the actions are justified, that if people could just see it from thier POV that they would agree. Problem is everyone else isn't in your affair bubble so we see the situation entirely different. Even other in affairs can recognize the flaws in other people's affairs but a part if them always wants to believe Thiers is different.

 

It's tough when you start posting because let's be honest we normally only bounce these things around in our own heads, that's a pretty easy audience to convince.

 

But if you hand around it can be a great resource once you stop being defensive.

[aliveagain]

Hi I'm new to this forum.

 

Just looking for someone to talk to and offload as I have no one else to discuss what is going on. Please I'm not looking to be criticised or judgment, just some advice. I am an intelligent person who knows what I'm doing (most of the time!)

 

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

Have recently lost all my baby weight and coming out of the baby fog that has consumed me for the past few years. Starting to feel more like my old self before kids and of course have become attractive to men again. My sex drive has come back with a vengenance and have found myself wanting to do things I've never wanted to do ever and explore my sexuality, with everyone but my husband...

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things. I'm 37 and he's 42, very intelligent, works in health so has an occupation which requires a high level of discretion. We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part.

 

He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife, he loves her but finds her so conservative in the bedroom and they are too up and down a lot of the time. I'm not looking to leave my marriage at the moment and would leave on my own accord not for someone else if it were to happen.

 

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have fallen hard for this guy. He's everything I could have wanted in someone. We have similar pasts, views, interests, personalities...the list goes on. The sex is something I have never experienced before ever. An out of body and mind blowing experience.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person. It's almost like trying to start a new relationship but it's not a normal situation and everything is intensified and heightened more so than normal. I have tried to call it off a few times, as I can't handle the stress of it and functioning in my day to day life, but he always manages to talk me around and reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

This is why I probably will never get married again. Poor guy is doing the best he can to take care of you and your and 4 children. I'm sure he loves being away from his family staying in cheap hotels trying to keep a roof over your head while his sanctuary is being desecrated by another man you brought into the marriage. I think you need to revaluate your situation because this not only effects you but also your 4 children. Get some professional help, your living a lie and it is only a matter of time before your life will come crashing down around you. Read other posts on here written by women that lost it all wishing they could do it over. Seriously, get professional help from someone experience in infidelity.

[VeveCakes]

Not responding to any more comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

 

Yes the truth hurts...but it hurts less than the world of pain you are about to inflict onto yourself, your H and this OMs family.

 

You have the choice to end it now.

 

37 and married 3 times? Think long and hard about this guy.....