Both married having an affair. [update: First day of NC]

[Aurorra79]

Hi I'm new to this forum.

 

Just looking for someone to talk to and offload as I have no one else to discuss what is going on. Please I'm not looking to be criticised or judgment, just some advice. I am an intelligent person who knows what I'm doing (most of the time!)

 

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

Have recently lost all my baby weight and coming out of the baby fog that has consumed me for the past few years. Starting to feel more like my old self before kids and of course have become attractive to men again. My sex drive has come back with a vengenance and have found myself wanting to do things I've never wanted to do ever and explore my sexuality, with everyone but my husband...

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things. I'm 37 and he's 42, very intelligent, works in health so has an occupation which requires a high level of discretion. We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part.

 

He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife, he loves her but finds her so conservative in the bedroom and they are too up and down a lot of the time. I'm not looking to leave my marriage at the moment and would leave on my own accord not for someone else if it were to happen.

 

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have fallen hard for this guy. He's everything I could have wanted in someone. We have similar pasts, views, interests, personalities...the list goes on. The sex is something I have never experienced before ever. An out of body and mind blowing experience.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person. It's almost like trying to start a new relationship but it's not a normal situation and everything is intensified and heightened more so than normal. I have tried to call it off a few times, as I can't handle the stress of it and functioning in my day to day life, but he always manages to talk me around and reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

[gettingstronger]

He's a mess! Married 3x and still cheating. Can't see his kids, that's a big red flag. I've seen some pretty jacked up people that have at lest supervised visits. Really, the sex can't be that good to hook up with such a dumpster fire of a life. You need to run away and quick.

[Chica80]

being OW myself....I try to not just assume an jump on the totally generalized advice....but this sounds like a total hot mess!!!!

 

RUN, RUN far away now!!

[DKT3]

Hi I'm new to this forum.

 

Just looking for someone to talk to and offload as I have no one else to discuss what is going on. Please I'm not looking to be criticised or judgment, just some advice. I am an intelligent person who knows what I'm doing (most of the time!)

 

Have been married for for 7 years, spent 4 of those pregnant and having children. Husband works and travels frequently, so home alone a lot. Relationship has always been up and down and I suppose have been unhappy quite a bit over the past few years.

 

Have recently lost all my baby weight and coming out of the baby fog that has consumed me for the past few years. Starting to feel more like my old self before kids and of course have become attractive to men again. My sex drive has come back with a vengenance and have found myself wanting to do things I've never wanted to do ever and explore my sexuality, with everyone but my husband...

 

Anyway so I met someone a couple of months ago, we were both looking for the same things. I'm 37 and he's 42, very intelligent, works in health so has an occupation which requires a high level of discretion. We thought we could manage a FWB/NSA situation to help us both out, but of course that never happens and sex has become intertwined with feelings and emotion, probably more so on my part.

 

He has said from the beginning he is not looking for a new relationship and he won't leave his wife, he loves her but finds her so conservative in the bedroom and they are too up and down a lot of the time. I'm not looking to leave my marriage at the moment and would leave on my own accord not for someone else if it were to happen.

 

So basically what it comes down to, is that I have fallen hard for this guy. He's everything I could have wanted in someone. We have similar pasts, views, interests, personalities...the list goes on. The sex is something I have never experienced before ever. An out of body and mind blowing experience.

 

The past 2 months have been full of emotion, fights, heated discussions, highs and lows with this person. It's almost like trying to start a new relationship but it's not a normal situation and everything is intensified and heightened more so than normal. I have tried to call it off a few times, as I can't handle the stress of it and functioning in my day to day life, but he always manages to talk me around and reassure me that everything is going to be fine.

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

No, your husband is getting the short end if the stick. Your affair partner is looking for a side piece, you are changing the rules. And as these thing go most of the time, will be the one who pays the highest price..

 

Question is how do you see this ending? Because it will end.

[Messy Lady]

being OW myself....I try to not just assume an jump on the totally generalized advice....but this sounds like a total hot mess!!!!

 

RUN, RUN far away now!!

 

Another, and this time married, OW here and I totally agree with the above.

 

Plus you have sex with him in your family's home??? My OM is my boss and I'd be reluctant to let him into my house on even work business. If your H finds out, his one place that he can call his own will be tainted forever.

[Aurorra79]

Hmmm I know but I can't go into details on here about his past.

 

It isn't so black and white.

[Chica80]

Hmmm I know but I can't go into details on here about his past.

 

It isn't so black and white.

 

No, it's hardly ever black and white many times there are a lot of grey.....BUT girl not from what you described above. It is slapping you in the face. Danger! Danger! step away and you are walking in to it ready to be willingly be devoured.

[Forever broken]

Run now. He is bad news. That is his pattern of behavior. His present wife was an affair partner. Now they are married and so the affair partner's position is available. He is going to treat you the same way. Please run very fast, don't even stop to catch your breath. Take it from a former OW.

[Aurorra79]

Run now. He is bad news. That is his pattern of behavior. His present wife was an affair partner. Now they are married and so the affair partner's position is available. He is going to treat you the same way. Please run very fast, don't even stop to catch your breath. Take it from a former OW.

 

Do you think this is the case? He hasn't said it outright but it sounded like she was the one who instigated it, being married still. I have no idea what to believe anymore.

[freengreen]

He is a player and has aced it.

 

He has this power to let go people after intervals. You seem to be different. He will let go you sooner or later and you will lose everything. He will still family and a new affair partner....You will break. He isnt worth AT ALL.

 

Above all, your kids. They will lose you for no mistake of them.

Edited December 15, 2016 by freengreen

[freengreen]

He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

Textbook bait^^

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Textbook prize^^

 

Girl, he is a pro. You are being played pathetically. Sorry but dont run, take a plane.

[Logan787]

Several things stuck out to me in your story.

 

1. You are lost in the fog and haze of sexual euphoria and when you fall back to earth(and you will), you will be left with the broken pieces of what was once a wholesome family. Mind you, no family is perfect, but you have tainted both your marriage and family and what really sticks out to me is....is that it doesn't really seem to bother you. You come across as caring more for this man than you do your own children which I find very disturbing. Talk is cheap. You can say you love someone, but it is untimately actions that prove that love.

 

2. I'm wondering where your children are when you invite this strange man over.

I remember when I was a kid and seeing my mom with a man I didn't know and it made me sick to my stomach.

 

3. You say your not looking to be judged or looked down upon, but I do think what you ARE looking for is permission and validation.

 

4. What everyone is saying about this man is true, he is a player and if you were to get with him an old saying will come to pass. "The guy who marries his mistress....is gonna have to get a new mistress."

 

5. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. How would you feel if your husband was inviting a woman over to sleep with her in YOU TWOS BED and basically playing you for a fool, all the while you were providing for your family.

[Aurorra79]

Several things stuck out to me in your story.

 

1. You are lost in the fog and haze of sexual euphoria and when you fall back to earth(and you will), you will be left with the broken pieces of what was once a wholesome family. Mind you, no family is perfect, but you have tainted both your marriage and family and what really sticks out to me is....is that it doesn't really seem to bother you. You come across as caring more for this man than you do your own children which I find very disturbing. Talk is cheap. You can say you love someone, but it is untimately actions that prove that love.

 

2. I'm wondering where your children are when you invite this strange man over.

I remember when I was a kid and seeing my mom with a man I didn't know and it made me sick to my stomach.

 

3. You say your not looking to be judged or looked down upon, but I do think what you ARE looking for is permission and validation.

 

4. What everyone is saying about this man is true, he is a player and if you were to get with him an old saying will come to pass. "The guy who marries his mistress....is gonna have to get a new mistress."

 

5. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. How would you feel if your husband was inviting a woman over to sleep with her in YOU TWOS BED and basically playing you for a fool, all the while you were providing for your family.

 

 

Definitely not asking for permission or validation.

 

My kids are definitely not exposed to this at home. I may be unwell but not that unwell.

[BuddyX]

No matter what we tell you, you're just going to rationalize it because you're so deep into the Fog.

 

Focus on your marriage and kids. Because right now, you're picking this man over everything else. You're a mom for god sakes.

[DKT3]

No, it's hardly ever black and white many times there are a lot of grey.....BUT girl not from what you described above. It is slapping you in the face. Danger! Danger! step away and you are walking in to it ready to be willingly be devoured.

 

Only when you're the one cheating is it not black or white. When you are the being cheated on its damn sure black and white.

 

Saying this is really you saying it's not my fault. Either you're faithful or you're not, no middle ground that makes it pretty black and white.

[freengreen]

No matter what we tell you, you're just going to rationalize it because you're so deep into the Fog.

 

Focus on your marriage and kids. Because right now, you're picking this man over everything else. You're a mom for god sakes.

I am sneaking and snatching this advice. I will have to kill it, I am a mom for god sakes Edited December 15, 2016 by freengreen

[Logan787]

I am sneaking and snatching this advice. I will have to kill it, I am a mom for god sakes

 

You're in an affair too?

[aileD]

You sound exactly like every other OW on here. Your affair relationship isn't special. The mind blowing sex? Standard in the affair handbook. Secrecy has a lot to do with that. Illicitness, forbidden fruit. All that crap makes the sex SEEM more exciting.

 

 

 

You're not getting the short end of any stick. You have your cake and are eating it too. Your kids and husband are the ones getting the short end of the stick. You got married and made a conscious effort to start a family. You brought four (I'm assuming based on your "pregnant four years" comment) children into this world and into a family and now you are blowing up their world because you got your body back and need some mind blowing sex? You gave your husband a family he thought was going to be there forever and now you're drooling over some guy who honestly---based on your list--is a complete player and loser who obviously knows how to play the game to get women for sex.

 

You may have come out of the baby fog but you're still in some other type of fog.

 

I know you don't want Jugdement but you need it. You need to wake the hell up and think about what you're doing to your kids and husband and what it's going to cost YOU when they find out. And they will.

 

Ive been keeping a little list of comments made on the site by people having an affair. People that have come here to tell their story and get advice because their world has gone to hell because they made the same choices you have. People who have had years of pain. And guess what? They all felt the same way you did.

We met at a hotel and had what I would have to describe as one of the most amazing nights of my life. Before or after husband

 

Little did I know I was really falling for this guy in a way that I've never felt about anyone else, even my own husband

 

 

What this new A gave me was something I have not experienced with ANY man I have ever been with.

 

 

I felt an emotional closeness to this man, he said he shared this, we felt physically compatible and both said we felt like soulmates.

 

I do love my husband but not in anyway the way I feel about this man my best friend.

 

I love my husband our marriage is not on shaky ground and we have a pretty normal sex life. But this connection between this OM and myself is so strong I just don’t know how to get over it whic

 

Oddly, I think I know him better than the man I was married to

 

. We talked about so much, and connected on things that my husband and I never had in common

 

 

He's had multiple affairs before me but I feel like I was different to him.

 

sex was so good... The best I ever had

 

He made me feel something that I had never felt before, alive.

 

the connection I had with him I just couldn't break it no matter what I told myself

 

knew there was undeniable chemistry.

 

 

Sound familiar? It's not special. It's textbook. And your kids are going to suffer for it. Get your head out of the damn clouds and get into thereapy to figure yourself out. It isn't about this guy. It's about you and what you're missing that you see in this guy that makes you overlook giant red flags (and your family)...find out what you are missing in you and then you won't be so destructive with your life and your children and husbands lives. It's not just you now.

[freengreen]

You're in an affair too?

Was. In a long distance EA. For 8 months.

It became soul sucking , the epiphany was there and fortunately d day happened. 7weeks NC as of today. Contemplating on where the real me was...over those months.

[Aurorra79]

Not responding to anymore comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

[aileD]

Edited to add: you're deluding yourself thinking your kids aren't exposed to this..all the energy you are putting into waiting for texts, worrying, planning, daydreaming and all that is taking time away from your kids. The affair is stealing their mom from them. And do you think you should get a trophy for not having them around while you have sex with him on your marital bed, house, property?? Come on. Where's your wedding ring when your ****ing him? Are their pics of your kids around when this guy is sticking in his d*** in their mom? Wedding pics? Do you sleep on the same sheets with your husband?

 

WHO ARE YOU? is this really who you are? Deep down inside? I don't think so. I think you're hurt for some other reason and missing something and you don't want to consciously deal with it so you've latched on to this serial cheater so you don't have to deal with yourself.

 

Look in the mirror . Are you really that person???

 

Edit- I'm sorry you didn't get what you were looking for here but I think you got what you needed. Even if you don't respond I hope you continue to read and read some of the other stories here so you can help open your eyes.

 

People can be harsh here but it's because we have been through it. We see your naivety and want to spare you the same stuff others went through.

 

I hope you can figure this out so we don't see you back here in six months saying "I should have listened to you all"

 

Good luck and I will pray for your family.

[LexiCat29]

Not responding to anymore comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

 

You only think this because you're not ready to admit that everyone is right. Your affair is not special, it's exactly like most of the other affairs here and it will likely end in exactly the same way. Either someone will slip up and you'll both have DDays or he will end it because you become too demanding or because he finds a new OW.

 

You're not his girlfriend, you're his affair partner. He expects you to take what you get of his time and effort without complaint.

 

If you do come back, tell us about your own marriage. You've barely mentioned your own husband in all of this..what's he like?

[freengreen]

OP bought her AP. She isnt buying us,is she?..

OP I wish you a fair and happy yourself again. Good luck

[Chica80]

OP I don't know if you are still reading this....the comments can be harsh. I remember when I first started posting. There are posters of many backgrounds.

 

MOW, single OW, BS. Everyone has a different story, and reason for coming here. And everyone will give you advice based on what their experience is.

Every A is different and Every A has different motivations. At the same time Every A is the same. Understand there are so many variables and circumstances. We all think ours is different.

 

And it may be, yours may be different. Who are we to say, we don't live your life or your circumstances....The thing I can tell you is from what you have posted from his background, his patterns are things many of us have seen before. I think there at different kinds of A's and certain ones follow certain patterns. That is what we see...and that is what some of us are trying to save you from.

[drifter777]

The blind denial of WS amazes a BH like me. On her other thread I gave her an honest suggestion to get some sex toys & start getting freaky with her husband. I told that if she continues the cheating path she is likely to end up a single mom. This doesn't seem judgemental to me - it seems like advice. Like she asked for. What do other OW/WW think?