Both married having an affair. [update: First day of NC]

[Aurorra79]

And yet, you wouldn't tell your own husband. Your own relationship with your husband, from here on, will be built on lies and deceit as well, if you don't tell him.

 

I will be telling my husband after Christmas.

[Aurorra79]

So MM rang me to ask me how I was doing. I told him I was fine and ready to move on and feeling very strong.

 

He then tells me that we can still continue to have something as long as I know it's completely NSA and that I won't get emotional or clingy.

 

WTF??? So his wife is pregnant but yet he his still willing to continue this.

 

I have a suspicion he is lying about the pregnancy because he was worried and wanted to keep me away from him.

 

I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again.

[elaine567]

He then tells me that we can still continue to have something as long as I know it's completely NSA and that I won't get emotional or clingy.

 

"Emotional and clingy" is the last thing he wants, emotional and clingy people are loose cannons and are capable of anything.

He wants to put you back in your box.

"Forget the "feelings", it is all about sex."

 

Men like this will easily cheat on their pregnant wife and justify it too.

She is pregnant, so the sex has dropped off, but I NEED sex... wah wah wah

 

I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again.

Well done.

Leaving out the rights and wrongs here, this was not good for YOU.

You are worth a lot more than being a sex toy to some sleazy guy.

Choose life, choose your kids, choose YOU.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

I will be telling my husband after Christmas.

 

Hmmm...It is good that you are going to do that.

 

Just that I don't understand your anger against the OM. In your first post, you clearly mentioned that you both went into this without any intention of beginning a new relationship and the emotional intertwining was just an unexpected consequence of the physical relationship. It's just that he stuck to his end of the deal, whereas you didn't and now you are angry.

 

Yes, he lied. Then again, that isn't the reason why you had an affair with him. It wasn't a case of where he actually emotionally manipulated you into feeling sympathy for him and getting you infatuated with him.

 

Then why this anger against the OM? However pathetic the OM and his wife may be, you should leave them alone and let your husband decide if he wants to expose the OM to his wife. After all, in this whole fiasco, if there is one person who should have any valid grudge against the OM, that should be your husband.

[sadwife48]

Wow... Some of your children must be babies? You are playing with a huge fire for so little gain and so much to lose. It is interesting, though, as a woman whose husband has behaved like this OM of yours, to hear the perspective of the OW. I've racked my brain trying to understand her point of view.

[HeCantBreakMe]

So MM rang me to ask me how I was doing. I told him I was fine and ready to move on and feeling very strong.

 

He then tells me that we can still continue to have something as long as I know it's completely NSA and that I won't get emotional or clingy.

 

WTF??? So his wife is pregnant but yet he his still willing to continue this.

 

I have a suspicion he is lying about the pregnancy because he was worried and wanted to keep me away from him.

 

I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again.

 

Honestly, you need to stop focusing on his why's and start focusing on your why. Why did you have an affair, why are you so hung up on someone who gives you breadcrumbs, why can't you be satisfied with a man who has devoted his life to you, why did you cheat instead of ending your marriage.. So many questions to ask yourself and those are just a few. I understand it hurts - I was there and I understand the pain and the anger is part of the process you will need to go through but you need to stop asking questions about his motivation and start figuring out your own.

 

Good for you- you told him to leave you alone and never contact you but did you block him? Because if you didn't he will be back and he will get pushy or even worse he will get sweet and loving .. block/block/block. and don't look back.

 

I told my husband about my affair. It wasn't easy but I still to this day do not regret it.

[aileD]

I told him to leave me alone and never contact me again.

 

Good now when he does, don't listen to him----hang up immediately.

[BetrayedH]

Just wanted to give you some props for the decision to confess to your husband. It really is the right thing to do, for a multitude of reasons. There can be recovery from an affair. I know of no single better way to set yourself up for success than to do a voluntary disclosure. It goes a really long way towards establishing your remorse, your trustworthiness, and your husband's potential forgiveness. It's a lot easier to forgive someone that admits their short-comings and shows willingness to accept the consequences. From a statistical standpoint, it literally doubles your chances of reconciling (versus a discovery).

 

While I know that the Infidelity forum was a tough crowd, you might want to reconsider posting there as you make your way through this. Whatever emotional responses you receive there will be the same ones your husband will experience. It's actually a good testing ground but instead of it being your husband, it's a bunch of anonymous online posters. They may test you but there's no real consequences for you there. Perhaps this forum will be better for you when it comes to the topic of your affair partner, but the advice you'd get on the Infidelity forum about recovering your marriage would be second to none. You just have to be somewhat determined not to take the tough comments too personally. Read and process them objectively. Use what works and discard the rest.

 

I would like to ask...while I obviously support your decision to tell your husband, what is your motivation for doing so? Up to this point, you haven't said much about him. Things have obviously soured with your affair partner. So, does this change how you view your husband and marriage? Are you confessing in hopes of forgiveness? Or do you think you were done with the marriage and now just prepared to make a more honest exit?

 

I'm mostly asking for the purpose of context. Reconciling after an affair is an incredibly difficult process that really takes several years. And you really have to be "all-in" to make it work. Are you all-in? If so, why now, as opposed to a week ago?

 

You don't have to have perfect answers to all of these. It's just wise to begin a dialogue and to begin to be introspective.

[Owl6118]

From earlier in the thread, a couple thoughts.

 

"I still can't wrap my mind around how a man would lie and say he loves you, just to get sex, but I have learned so much about men and their minds from this site."

 

Every day a new heartbroken man shows up here who has never done these things. There have been several men here who were one and onlys with their wives, who have had NO other love relationships or sexual partners, who are sorting through the heartbreak of infidelity

 

"However, they basically all are able to have sex without any emotional attachment and can continue to do without growing feelings."

 

In my experience as a straight man this was not categorically true for me. It depended very much on the partner.

 

There were times when I wanted a physical relationship--sex in short. I tried to make sure my partner was in the same place. One very much caught feelings, and I hurt her, and I still regret it.

 

More commonly there were times when I found a new friend and felt a lot of affection and very much wanted sex but knew from the beginning that I would not bond with this person for life. Girlfriends to whom I was monogamous but knew I would not commit for life. These were also hard. I tried to make sure I was transparent about where I was at and did not ever tell these girlfriends I loved them. I did in other ways, but not in the way "I love you" in a sexual and emotional relationship means, so I did not say it. Some of these are still friends of mine with no harm or hurt done.

 

There were two women I was incapable of being with, as friend or sexual partner, without falling in love. I loved them desperately. I loved one for years despite her not really feeling the same way about me and so I got hurt, desperately, over and over. The other is my wife to whom I am still married and who has never betrayed or hurt me that way.

 

I guess I am just saying men are real humans, with a real range of characters and behaviors and feelings. Not all are simply cads. Not all are capable of having detatched sex with anyone at any time. No stereotype fits all.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Owl6118