Both married having an affair. [update: First day of NC]

[Chica80]

The blind denial of WS amazes a BH like me. On her other thread I gave her an honest suggestion to get some sex toys & start getting freaky with her husband. I told that if she continues the cheating path she is likely to end up a single mom. This doesn't seem judgemental to me - it seems like advice. Like she asked for. What do other OW/WW think?

 

When you're in it. You cant see anything but what is right in front of you. You already feel like ***t being bombarded by a bunch of random strangers, although asked for is not helpful.

[FoundMyStrength]

The blind denial of WS amazes a BH like me. On her other thread I gave her an honest suggestion to get some sex toys & start getting freaky with her husband. I told that if she continues the cheating path she is likely to end up a single mom. This doesn't seem judgemental to me - it seems like advice. Like she asked for. What do other OW/WW think?

 

As a recent out of the fog ow, I think its like talking to someone who's addicted. Its a proven bad strategy to try to force the to stop. They're too far into the addiction. They need to, eventually, figure out for themselves why they want or need to stop. But it is a good idea for those who care to show compassion and get remind them of reasons for stopping. Emphasis on compassion.

[dichotomy]

So you have lost the baby weight and are fit and enjoying a new wild sex life with MM.

 

This is nothing knew in the world.

 

Curiouswho watches the kids when your seeing OM/MM ? anyway....

 

If you divorce your husband - and I can pretty much guarantee you will find more attractive men, and wild mind blowing sex, interesting men with similar interests/views/likes, emotions running high, excitement....and also find few willing to enter into a committed relationship with a single mom with 4 kids.

 

Now if what you want is great sex, exciting men to have sex with, and some fun and interesting times and your freedom from bad marriage - thats great - I get it - really I get it - nothing wrong with that - no judgements - just understand whats waiting out there

 

But maybe try some counseling and give your current marriage one more try - unless you decide being married or in a long term committed exclusive relationship is not for you.

[BuddyX]

As a recent out of the fog ow, I think its like talking to someone who's addicted. Its a proven bad strategy to try to force the to stop. They're too far into the addiction. They need to, eventually, figure out for themselves why they want or need to stop. But it is a good idea for those who care to show compassion and get remind them of reasons for stopping. Emphasis on compassion.

 

Let's not confuse Sound Advice with a lack of compassion. OP is an adult who's about to ruin her kids lives. She expected us to say "you're doing good honey. Keep on going"? Please.

 

If she's screwing up her own life, more power to her. But once she decided on having kids, me me me, went out the window.

 

Majority of us gave her sound advice. Which is, stop the affair and get some help.

[BluesPower]

Like Sunshinechica said, there are a lot of people on here with different stories. These people are telling you the truth about what you are doing because they have been on one side or the other of these types of situations. Some are BS like your husband. Some are WS like you. Some are both, like me.

 

When the OW or former OW tell you to get out. They know what they are talking about. They have lived it. When the BS's here tell you what your husband will feel like when he finds out and divorces you, they know what they are talking about. They have lived it.

 

So look, You may want to listen to me about what I am going to tell you.

 

Your OM is a player, he is a liar, and he does not love you. What he saw was a hot, married, horny 37 year old piece of ***, and he wanted to hit it.

 

That is all that is going on. And, like most women involved in affairs and having great sex, you fell in love. Babe, this is what happens.

 

Now, if you want to use him for sex, then go ahead. If you want your husband to divorce you, which is sounds like you do, well then keep doing what you are doing and at some point you will get caught and it will happen.

 

But is you think falling in love with this guy is anything but a bad idea, you are wrong.

 

Sweetie, you are way, way out of your league with this guy, he has done this so many times the probably lost count.

 

If you want to know more you can hit me or the whole thread back.

 

I hope that you have the courage to continue reading. Everyone here means well, no matter if they sound harsh or not.

[Giacomo67]

Not responding to anymore comments on here. Was a mistake posting.

 

 

now this is a statmente of being an intelligent person! brava

[NTV]

I'm sorry that you found the responses here unhelpful to you. What exactly were you looking for?

 

Did you come here for help getting out of your affair? I mean there's not really too many people that will support having an affair without having some other agenda behind their support.

 

So tell me how can I help you?

[Bryanp]

Wow. Having sex in your home while your husband is away. This is the ultimate in disrespect and betrayal. Would you be able to justify this if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him.

 

You have right to make choices but be aware that eventually this will come out in some form or manner. Are you willing to be a divorced mom with children? Better think long and hard about this.

[Darren Steez]

 

The things that are wrong are and I know should have rung alarm bells

Apart from the fact you're married and cheating on your husband but continue..

1. He's been married 3 times and so has his current wife. He has 2 kids who aren't his but he's brought them up. He also has had 3 kids from his first marriage who he is not allowed to see but has to pay child support.

2. His wife and him met online when she was still married to her ex and was looking for a way out of her relationship!

3 He has told me his wife blames and resents him for everything which is why they fight all the time. I can see why...

4 I can't text him at night and on weekends because his phone is picked up by the whole family and he's worried someone might see.

5 I can only see him once a week at my house because he can't get away any other time and we have no where else to go.

The house that your husband works hard so his children and his wife have a roof over their heads..but continue..

 

Now all these things I know are wrong. I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick here. He says he misses me etc when we're not together, says he feels intense emotion for me, but then completely detaches and pulls away from me at other times, leaving me a hopeless, confused mess.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, the pull is so strong yet I know he's not good for me and it's all so wrong. I find myself obsessing over his life and his wife (who is older and not attractive) and I'm constantly looking at my phone to see if he's contacted me and turning into a complete mess if he doesn't and then happy again when he does.

 

Please can someone please give me insight into this man and this situation?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

Insight is less into a man trying not to get caught, have sex and not lose his wife/reputation but more to the point is a woman who allows a man to come into the home she shares with her husband and children..please remember your kids are in the same house while you're doing all this stuff.

 

If it is this important to you, why not divorce so you can dedicate yourself fully to this man and not sneak around?

[Aurorra79]

To anyone who cares I posted yesterday under "both married and having an affair"

 

I listened very carefully to the advice even though it made me extremely defensive in the beginning.

 

Today started off as a normal day but for MM to tell me his wife had asked him why he has lost interest in sex etc. I decided enough was enough and couldn't do this anymore. Told him and he tried to blame it all on me.

 

Asked him to not contact me again. He hasn't so far but now I'm in a world of unbelievable grief and pain.

 

What do I expect now from him and from this? I'm a terrible person I know that. How do I pick up the pieces now?

[Philosoraptor]

You first need to block this person in every way possible. No form of contact should be able to get through if he tries. Your focus needs to turn to your husband and family.

 

Second, you need to make an appointment with a therapist. You need to figure out what inside of yourself, caused you to stray on your husband and break your marital bonds.

 

Third, and the most life changing, will be to come clean about the affair. Your husband has the right to know what happened, and to be able to make a decision on his future based on truth, not lies. You'd want to know if you were in the same position, so give him the same courtesy.

[Chica80]

Hi Aurorra welcome back...not going to lie NC is going to suck!!! It is painful. Your thoughts will be obsessive. Constant. You will feel like you are losing something. Like it is being torn from you.

 

The pain will be so much you will want to reach out. DONT!!

Allow yourself to feel it, sit with it think about it for a minute. Then move on to something else. Stay occupied. Focus on your kids. Workout. Post on LS.

 

It will be really hard,,,but the pain does lessen. It does get better.

 

BLOCK him. Block his phone number and all forms of communication.

 

GET into Individual therapy stat.

[Satu]

You're not a terrible person.

 

Get into therapy and be very strict about NC.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[eye of the storm]

NC is the worst!!! It sucks so bad....but it is the best tool for separating yourself from an A.

 

If you are ready to be done with your A. NC is a tool for you. Not for him, for you. It helps you heal.

 

I avoided NC for so long. I tried LC, restarted the A. I tried just being friends, restarted the A. NC has hurt so much. But I can see that I am finally starting to recover.

 

Good luck!

[freengreen]

How do I pick up the pieces now?

 

The good news its ONLY going to get better IF you keep NC. Bad news is.. it wont feel like it.

 

Trust me the perk you get out of it is priceless in many ways. Keep going. I am in NC too and lots of them... with you

[Southern Sun]

To anyone who cares I posted yesterday under "both married and having an affair"

 

I listened very carefully to the advice even though it made me extremely defensive in the beginning.

 

Today started off as a normal day but for MM to tell me his wife had asked him why he has lost interest in sex etc. I decided enough was enough and couldn't do this anymore. Told him and he tried to blame it all on me.

 

Asked him to not contact me again. He hasn't so far but now I'm in a world of unbelievable grief and pain.

 

What do I expect now from him and from this? I'm a terrible person I know that. How do I pick up the pieces now?

 

Aurorra, you are doing the right thing.

 

NC is horribly painful in the beginning. Affairs can be like addictions and your natural desire is to go back to the affair for relief from your pain, anxiety, to alleviate the desperate craving you feel.

 

But think for a minute - won't that put you right back into the same cycle? Follow it through. It will make you feel better temporarily, but then send your right back into misery. You won't have accomplished anything at all.

 

The affair really works for your MM but is not working for you. He gets his needs met but you do not get yours. You get together on his terms and then he fades away, leaving you in pain. Right? And at the end of the day, you are destroying your family, bit by bit. It COULD all come crashing down in one big heap if you don't stop.

 

It may feel like love for you, but it's not for him...I'm sorry to say. He's scratching an itch. It's just not going to go anywhere but worse for you. So do anything and everything you can to hang onto NC. Be the ONE WOMAN who walked away from him, who never looked back. Do it. Shock the hell out of him. Use whatever motivation you need, even your pride, to get away. This affair is doing nothing but bringing you down, and it will take your family with you if you let it.

 

Best.

[freengreen]

It's just not going to go anywhere but worse for you. So do anything and everything you can to hang onto NC. Be the ONE WOMAN who walked away from him, who never looked back. Do it. Shock the hell out of him.

 

^^^THIS^^^.

 

The amount of self respect it gives is astronomical.

[DKT3]

My wife told me something interesting last night. I was reading Anne Rice feast of all saints and a part took me back to her affair. I was shook abit and she could tell.

 

She questioned me about it...long story short it was about her cutting off AP then starting back up after periods of NC. She said she has come to realize that the draw wasn't really him but the fact that he was the only one she could talk to without feeling like trash, he couldn't judge her because he was her partner in crime. She said during long times of NC she would feel really good about herself, but because she had no one to talk about it with she would beat herself up and fall into a hole and she felt he was the only one with a rope.

 

Gave me a great deal of understanding about it.

 

Point is find someone to talk to.

[anina27]

I know you don't want criticism but unfortunately you will probably get it, and it is deserved. The only thing that you can do at this point is to walk away from this person. He is not a man of honor, he does not respect you or his wife. You do not respect yourself clearly! I am not here to judge you (looking for help on this site just like you). What are you hoping to accomplish here? Destroy the lives of everyone around you??? You know what this man is all about, you live it, you see it, you feel it! Does it make you feel good when he leaves your bed and goes home to his wife. Is that how you see yourself worth. If you chose to end your marriage because you no longer love your husband and have exhausted any chance of making things work get a divorce. Then go out and date... Do it right! For yourselfs worth, your husbands dignity and the respect of your children and family.

[elaine567]

I know you don't want criticism but unfortunately you will probably get it, and it is deserved. The only thing that you can do at this point is to walk away from this person. He is not a man of honor, he does not respect you or his wife. You do not respect yourself clearly! I am not here to judge you (looking for help on this site just like you). What are you hoping to accomplish here? Destroy the lives of everyone around you??? You know what this man is all about, you live it, you see it, you feel it! Does it make you feel good when he leaves your bed and goes home to his wife. Is that how you see yourself worth. If you chose to end your marriage because you no longer love your husband and have exhausted any chance of making things work get a divorce. Then go out and date... Do it right! For yourselfs worth, your husbands dignity and the respect of your children and family.

 

See the update.

[OneLov]

You do not respect yourself clearly! (a judgment) I am not here to judge you

 

I am sorry to t/j. But I could not help myself. Carry on.

[anina27]

Yes. I do now...thank you.

[Southern Sun]

My wife told me something interesting last night. I was reading Anne Rice feast of all saints and a part took me back to her affair. I was shook abit and she could tell.

 

She questioned me about it...long story short it was about her cutting off AP then starting back up after periods of NC. She said she has come to realize that the draw wasn't really him but the fact that he was the only one she could talk to without feeling like trash, he couldn't judge her because he was her partner in crime. She said during long times of NC she would feel really good about herself, but because she had no one to talk about it with she would beat herself up and fall into a hole and she felt he was the only one with a rope.

 

Gave me a great deal of understanding about it.

 

Point is find someone to talk to.

 

This is very true. I would also add that when your BS knows about the affair, you are dealing with the BS looking at you like you are a horrible person (deservedly). So the loneliness you feel, the isolation in not having anyone to discuss your feelings with, is compounded by only seeing yourself reflected back as a horrible person, after you are NC. There are times that, even though you are making progress in reconciliation and NC, it is tempting to make contact with the former AP, just to have someone to connect with as a break from the isolation and to see approval from somebody. It's really pretty sad and ultimately sets you up for a terrible cycle...because it's a very shallow type of approval from a wrong person, and you are further destroying the opinion of the one you are trying to win back.

 

You kind of just have to buck up and toughen up and settle in. Right actions over time. NC and NC and NC.

[Aurorra79]

I am so depressed. I don't know what to do anymore. I broke it off with MM on Friday, I sobbed and howled all night. My H kept asking me what was wrong, what had happened for me to be like this, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I am disconnected from him and my children. I don't want to be near them. I am a terrible mother and wife.

 

I thought I was strong, turns out I'm not. I rang MM Saturday morning. I think he had blocked my number on his phone, so I turned off my caller ID to get through the block. I knew he'd be out at the gym at the time I phoned but he was so angry at me for calling. Told me he didn't want to hear from me, why was I calling etc. I told him I didn't want to leave things the way we had on Friday. He softened and said he was glad that we talked but wanted to leave things until the new year and assess how we felt then. He would email me but no calls/texts.

 

I'm an idiot I know. Now I'm obsessing over checking my emails, obsessing over him and planning my next move to speak to him again on Monday when he's back at work and away from his family.

 

I am a complete and utter mess. I do not know how to function without him in my life. Nothing to look forward to. I honestly feel like disappearing. I am sobbing, depressed, not sleeping or eating. This pain is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

 

Please help.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[Poppy47]

I am so depressed. I don't know what to do anymore. I broke it off with MM on Friday, I sobbed and howled all night. My H kept asking me what was wrong, what had happened for me to be like this, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I am disconnected from him and my children. I don't want to be near them. I am a terrible mother and wife.

 

I thought I was strong, turns out I'm not. I rang MM Saturday morning. I think he had blocked my number on his phone, so I turned off my caller ID to get through the block. I knew he'd be out at the gym at the time I phoned but he was so angry at me for calling. Told me he didn't want to hear from me, why was I calling etc. I told him I didn't want to leave things the way we had on Friday. He softened and said he was glad that we talked but wanted to leave things until the new year and assess how we felt then. He would email me but no calls/texts.

 

I'm an idiot I know. Now I'm obsessing over checking my emails, obsessing over him and planning my next move to speak to him again on Monday when he's back at work and away from his family.

 

I am a complete and utter mess. I do not know how to function without him in my life. Nothing to look forward to. I honestly feel like disappearing. I am sobbing, depressed, not sleeping or eating. This pain is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

 

Please help.

 

Could you please stop with the pity party?

 

You have a husband and children who love you and depend on you. It is your duty and responsibility to be there for them.

 

YOu chose to be involved in the A, your family had no choice. Fake it until you make it!!!!!

 

I am no usually so harsh in my advice, but pause for a moment and think how confused and worried your family is when you are carrying on like an hysterical teenager.

 

Poppy.