Both married having an affair. [update: First day of NC]

[aileD]

You need to tell your husband.

 

That will bring you back to reality and make you realize what you should be crying about instead of this man.

 

Let your family have a good holiday first

[FoundMyStrength]

I'm an idiot I know. Now I'm obsessing over checking my emails, obsessing over him and planning my next move to speak to him again on Monday when he's back at work and away from his family.

 

I am a complete and utter mess. I do not know how to function without him in my life. Nothing to look forward to. I honestly feel like disappearing. I am sobbing, depressed, not sleeping or eating. This pain is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

 

Please help.

 

I can tell you are in a lot of pain, but Poppy's right, as a mom, you need to try to be strong for your kids and family. That doesn't mean you won't feel the pain, or you won't cry. It means, you go take a drive and cry in the car. You go take a shower, and sob in the shower.

 

What you're going through is withdrawal. This man was clearly a source of happiness for you. Right now, everything else seems bleak, grey, without joy. He *feels* like you're everything. But every time you contact him, every time you get that jolt and rush and comfort, it makes it even harder to go NC. When you called him, you fed your addiction. Checking your email, and planning a call for Monday also is feeding your addiction to him.

 

Please don't get me wrong. I went through what you did. I was inconsolable for days, clinically depressed for weeks, and I still have urges every day to contact him (and this is 4 months later). But it gets better. You just need to get through the next few weeks. Grit your teeth, hide your pain from your kids, and avoid him.

 

If you need inspiration, think about his *first* reaction when you called him. He had you blocked. He was angry. He told you he didn't want to hear from you. It doesn't matter if he softened -- *that's* what he is really feeling.

[Satu]

If you really are feeling as bad as you say, you should go and see your doctor and ask if they can give you something to help you calm down.

 

Thats all I'll say for now.

 

 

Take care.

[Red123]

I am so depressed. I don't know what to do anymore. I broke it off with MM on Friday, I sobbed and howled all night. My H kept asking me what was wrong, what had happened for me to be like this, I couldn't bring myself to tell him. I am disconnected from him and my children. I don't want to be near them. I am a terrible mother and wife.

 

I thought I was strong, turns out I'm not. I rang MM Saturday morning. I think he had blocked my number on his phone, so I turned off my caller ID to get through the block. I knew he'd be out at the gym at the time I phoned but he was so angry at me for calling. Told me he didn't want to hear from me, why was I calling etc. I told him I didn't want to leave things the way we had on Friday. He softened and said he was glad that we talked but wanted to leave things until the new year and assess how we felt then. He would email me but no calls/texts.

 

I'm an idiot I know. Now I'm obsessing over checking my emails, obsessing over him and planning my next move to speak to him again on Monday when he's back at work and away from his family.

 

I am a complete and utter mess. I do not know how to function without him in my life. Nothing to look forward to. I honestly feel like disappearing. I am sobbing, depressed, not sleeping or eating. This pain is unlike any other I have ever experienced.

 

Please help.

 

That is how I felt when I found out my husband was having an affair. I think if you try to put yourself in your husbands shoes for a moment you will realize that the pain you feel is minimal to what he will if he finds out. This man you had an affair with didn't promise you anything but you did to your husband. Please try to focus on your family, Christmas is a week away and they deserve to have you with them fully. I agree with the other poster who said tell your husband and reality will hit immediately. Within days of Dday my husband was out of the affair fog and stopped his affair. He stated it wasn't realistic and the feelings he thought he had were gone. NC works if you want it to.

[FoundMyStrength]

If you really are feeling as bad as you say, you should go and see your doctor and ask if they can give you something to help you calm down.

 

Thats all I'll say for now.

 

 

Take care.

 

Good point. I went through a rough time a while back (unrelated to xMM), and my PCP was willing to prescribe a short, 10-day supply of a Xanax-y med. They usually won't prescribe much, bc it's addictive, but it'll help.

[elaine567]

Read -

Our affair is real deal to her but it’s just about sex for me

 

 

[solonely9]

Why are you being so harsh on her? Most of us have been through exactly the same thing. People come here for support. She is very brave for being so honest about how she feels. Let her express and process her emotions. This is one of the few places, where one can do that, I thought.

Aurorra, please do not contact him on Monday. Please, please, please. He will be even angrier and this will destroy you. Been there, yes, exactly in your place, done that, and it was one of the most degrading experiences of my life. You will regret it, trust me.

Satu is right. Talk to your doctor better and get some help.

Again, please stay away from contacting him. I know very well how you feel, but no ammount of reaching out on your side can do anything. No ammount. Preserve your dignity.

[elaine567]

I think the harshness is because it is almost Xmas and she has little children and a husband who deserve to be happy in the holidays and she is sobbing her heart out and ignoring them all for the sake of a serial cheater who is only in it for sex...

[solonely9]

It is too early for this reasoning. Let her go through her pain. Besides, I am sure that she is still a great mom and will not ruin her family's Christmas.

[aileD]

I Am in R with my husband and today we got in an argument.

 

It was over somethig dumb but because of the affair emotions and we haven't really fought since then, insecurity and all that stuff I started to get upset.

 

Then I remembered something someone told me.

 

Is this going to matter to you in a year? No. It wasn't . So I didn't let myself be upset .

 

You go NC, keep it...and every time you cry, you tell yourself "this isn't going to matter a year from now. What will matter is that I still have the respect of my family and my children"

 

And you get to be sad but you don't let it consume you. Because it won't matter in a year.

[jah526]

Read -

Our affair is real deal to her but it’s just about sex for me

 

 

 

Wow, I think this should be required reading on this forum!

[solonely9]

Exactly what aileD said. Plus, you will have your self-respect, too. Do not contact him, please.

[Aurorra79]

Things have just got worse.

 

He just phoned me to tell me his wife is pregnant...at 43...

[aileD]

Things have just got worse.

 

He just phoned me to tell me his wife is pregnant...at 43...

 

Nope. Things are BETTER. Now you KNOW he doesn't give a **** about you so you can stop giving your energy to him.

 

Honey. It's all in your mindset. SCREW THE HEART. It led you astray. Away from the love of your family and husband, god , your vows.

 

Listen to your brain. Don't give this guy one more second of your tears, emotions, and self esteem.

 

ACCEPT the fact that YOU WERE USED and know it has nothing to do with YOUR self worth, it shows HIS character .

 

Pick yourself up and GET ANGRY! Change your mindset. Look for the positive. You aren't going to let this ruin your marriage and this loser ruin your family

 

This is the best thing that could have happened. Move on.

[DKT3]

Things have just got worse.

 

He just phoned me to tell me his wife is pregnant...at 43...

 

Sounds like he is trying to get you to leave him alone.

[Aurorra79]

This what I thought too. He swears black and blue he's not lying.

 

He told me she couldn't have anymore kids, and told me he was worried that I might get pregnant as he definitely did not want anymore kids.

 

I can't believe this is happening.

 

I know who his wife his, I feel like telling her but I won't stoop that low.

[aileD]

Honey you already stooped that low by having an affair with her husband. And by cheating on your husband!

 

Start worrying about YOUR FAMILY

[aileD]

That was harsh and I wasn't trying to be mean but you are in some weird twilight zone. Where is your brain? Get yourself together!

 

This isn't some romance novel soap opera thing this is your life and the life of your kids.

 

How are you going to feel when your husband finds out and leaves you and takes the kids with him?

 

Wake up!!!!! Come back down to reality please!!!

[Aurorra79]

I am not ready to tell my husband.

 

I am more disturbed at how I ended up with this obviously very sick man.

[lovinDKT3]

It is too early for this reasoning. Let her go through her pain. Besides, I am sure that she is still a great mom and will not ruin her family's Christmas.

 

I'm a married woman who had an affair. I concluded that I wasn't a great mom, not even a good one for that matter. Think of it this way, if you knew of a mother that was stealing time from her kids because of a drinking or drug problem, risking their well being and way of life. Would you call her a great mom? Of course not. Ultimately, this is the same thing not matter how we justify or attempt to separate family from affair.

[lovinDKT3]

I am not ready to tell my husband.

 

I am more disturbed at how I ended up with this obviously very sick man.

 

You will never be "ready" to tell your husband. I could never bring myself to confess until it was too late.

 

I'm not suggesting you confess, I would never be comfortable telling someone what path to take in this very personal and emotionally draining journey. I can say, for me I wished I had. I wish I had done it very early on.

 

I think we wish and hope to just resume the marriage, if only it was that easy. You can't escape the consequences. Even if your husband never finds out, you will still pay a price.

[malvern99]

I am not ready to tell my husband.

 

You're not ready to tell your betrayed husband because he does not matter to you right now. If you were honest with yourself, you would admit that he is nothing more than an obstacle in your path to a life with your MM. You want MM to yourself, and I think you should chase him with everything you have. Ask your BH for a divorce and set him free to find someone who loves him as much as you love your MM. Even in your eyes, he deserves at least that much right? Tell MM's wife what he has been doing behind her back for however long the A has been going on for. She deserves the truth too. Maybe she'll kick him to the curb like he deserves and then you and MM can sail of into the sunset together and have your "happily ever after".

 

I am more disturbed at how I ended up with this obviously very sick man.

 

That is 1000% bull and you know it. If you were "disturbed" you wouldn't be obsessively checking your email to see if MM reached out. Be honest with yourself. Even if you can't be honest with your poor husband, be honest with yourself. Nothing is more important than that. Stop pretending you care about anyone else's feelings or well being other than your own. That act will get you nowhere fast. Life is short. Chase your MM in the open. Dedicate the rest of your life to it. Maybe that is how you'll find happiness, because I'll tell you this, you won't find it with a man you put horns on in his own home who you have zero respect for. Good luck to you. I wish you and your MM the best of luck.

[Aurorra79]

Seriously guys, I'm trying to get over the fact he's just told me his wife is pregnant.

 

I am disgusted. I actually think I hate him.

[Adoraxx]

Seriously guys, I'm trying to get over the fact he's just told me his wife is pregnant.

 

I am disgusted. I actually think I hate him.

 

Good. Get angry, Aurorra. That will help you to stay away from him and ignore him for eternity!!

[Cephalopod]

I am not ready to tell my husband.

 

I am more disturbed at how I ended up with this obviously very sick man.

 

You are just as disturbed. How do you think this will end well? Your husband will find out.. You are kidding yourself if you think he won't.