Separated during 1st year of Marriage - Hopeless?

[suiteone]

Hello all,

 

This is my first post and wanted to get some opinions on my situation.

 

My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years.

When we first met, he told me within the first few weeks of dating that he had been engaged previously and he had ended the engagement. He could never seem to remember when exactly that relationship ended and I got a few different reasons for the end of the engagement. They still kept in touch because they shared a group of friends from school. I was fine with it. I met her, had no problems, was kind to her and got along with all his friends.

 

Throughout our relationship, I found out he was meeting with this woman in secret for dinners (he would tell me all his plans except when he went out with her). This was probably our first disagreement. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. My stance was when it comes to exes things need to be transparent. Later on I looked through his phone and saw he was carrying on nightly text conversations with her after we would stop talking, calling her pet names, wishing her good night, etc. We worked through this as well. I never had any evidence or suspicion his relationship went beyond this.

 

I was in a different city for a year for fellowship training. During that time, we flew back and forth to see us, but I could already see the strain it put on him. My father became ill while I was away and died after a brief battle against cancer. My husband was more concerned about the fact that I was upset and moody and taking it out on him while dealing with my father's illness and death. I have apologized for this many times and asked for his understanding of what I was and still am going through.

 

We got married in August 2015. I moved into his apartment. A few weeks after moving in, I discovered the lease of the apartment and saw his ex fiancees name on the lease. He had lied to me about the apartment- had told me they never lived there together. He repeatedly lied to me about this woman.

 

A few months after getting married and things started falling apart. Sex stopped pretty soon after we married. He wouldn't kiss me, never initiated sex. Many times I would initiate sex and he would snap at me. Many times he would blame me- saying he didn't like me grabbing him, that if i asked him for sex, I was being desperate,etc. I stopped initiating and trying and there has been no sex for 6 months.

 

For about 4 months during the first 9 months of marriage, he ignored me in our apartment. He would come home, grunt hello, and go to the home office. Often he wasn't working, just sitting in there so as not to be with me. I would end up going to bed alone every night. I felt so neglected that I started packing my things. He never stopped me but express how angry he was that I was doing this. I went to stay with my mother. After 3 weeks at home, I found my own apartment and moved out. We went to couples therapy for 3 months and each week the therapist would ask my husband if he was checked out because that was how he was behaving.

 

All we do is text at this point. If we do have conversations in person, it doesn't go well. Last night I asked him to come over so we can talk and perhaps start to come to a mutual decision on what to do now. He came over and blew up. Told me I was a sh*t wife, he mocked my feelings about his ex, and said that I had baggage and emotional problems (honestly don't understand this, although I definitely believe he brought a lot of baggage- the last thing he said in therapy was that he thought my efforts weren't sincere in therapy- the therapist shot that down) among other things. I've been saying lately that perhaps we should get a divorce- neither of us makes the other happy, but this angers him and then he will come to me tearful and says he wants to work on things, that he loves me. Last week, he did the same thing, all tearful, that he loves me and that he should have been with me every night. I'm 34 and want to have children. We both came into this marriage saying we wanted many children. But no sex, no intimacy, and an unwillingness to move forward with me says otherwise.

 

I feel terrible. I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. He says he makes an effort, but it feels like it's not enough? I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his.

 

I appreciate you all reading through this misery. I just wanted to read your thoughts on if there were things I could have done differently and what direction I should move toward now.

[VeveCakes]

Do not have children with this man.

 

This man has no respect for you. Why are you still in this? He is obviously either still with or has feelings for his ex. He makes no effort in therapy...I don't know what else you are looking for. It is clear he is not going to be a good husband.

 

I think you need to make plans for yourself, and start thinking about what YOU want for YOU.

[Satu]

snip

I feel terrible. *I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. He says he makes an effort, but it feels like it's not enough? I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his.

 

You didn't fail.

 

You've done everything possible to fix things, but you can't fix everything all by yourself.

 

I honestly think that your best option is to stop trying and get through the divorce process as quickly as possible.

 

Don't even discuss this with him; just file for divorce.

 

You're still young enough to find a good man to have children with.

 

Don't waste any more time on this one.

 

Take care.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel terrible. I feel like I failed, despite my best efforts. I feel like I've been on the sideline in this marriage for a long time. Ideally, things would work out, but nothing changes. He says he makes an effort, but it feels like it's not enough? I know that I hurt him by moving out, but I felt I did what was right at the time. Even now, his focus is more of trying to point out how many problems I have than taking ownership of his own problems and deciding to move forward or not. That was my attitude during therapy and it certainly was not his.

 

I think when it reaches this point - you're (right or wrong) blaming him for the issues and he's returning the favor - then hope is pretty much lost. Add in his inability to be honest about his previous GF and I'd guess you have "relationship fatigue", feeling as though things have been a struggle since the beginning.

 

Just a question at this point of how much more time and energy you're willing to invest. Given an honest assessment of how things stand - what do you want ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Strongerlife]

I think you already know the answer.

 

Your married to a man you only text. No sex. No talking. No loving. He comes home and hides

 

 

That isn't a marriage. You deserve SO much more. Run now. Find the right man for you!

[PegNosePete]

I don't see any reason whatsoever to continue in this marriage. You have tried your best, you have pulled your weight and more. But he has repeatedly refused to lift even his little finger to save the marriage. At this point I believe your best course of action is to file for divorce ASAP, and move on to a happier life. Don't waste any more of your life on a relationship that is clearly going nowhere.