What's WRONG with me?

[Laura]

I have a major problem, i think there is something wrong

 

with me. i find it very difficult to make friends and if i do

 

make friends a lot of the time i start feeling insecure and i

 

get paranoid and convince myself that they don't really

 

like me at all and that they are just pretending to be my

 

friend because they don't want to be mean and then i tell

 

myself that i'm just paranoid, but then i realize that my

 

worries have truth behind them. i don't really have any

 

friends in my class and the "friends" that i do i have i don't

 

really hang out with outside of school or anything. i

 

thought i had some friends in the grade above me but i'm

 

starting to doubt that also, i was friends with one girl who

 

was a grade above me and in the beginig of the year she

 

invited me to go somewhere with her and we were pretty

 

good friends, but recently i don't know she's been hanging

 

out with the people in her own class more and we haven't

 

gone anywhere since the begining of the year. the weird

 

thing is that we had vacation and she told me that we

 

should definitely go somewhere together and we shouldn't

 

just stay home all day, but then we didn't really do

 

anything and when i asked her to go do something with

 

me i felt like she was making up excuses, but then again

 

they could have been the truth because why would she

 

say that we should do something if she didn't want to. i

 

don't know what to think, i think my main problem is that i

 

lack confidence. i'm sick of being so paranoid and

 

worrying so much, do any of you know anything i can do,

 

i would appreciate any help that you could offer, thanks.

[Tony T]

To have good friends you have to be a good friend. Work on that. Friends, like lovers or anybody else, gravitate to people they know can do without them. Nobody likes to be around someone they feel is needy of them. So don't make such a big issue of friendship. Just let it happen. Don't make demands of potential friends. People like to be free and they are far more comfortable around someone who doesn't demand a lot from them. If a certain person doesn't want you to be their friend, don't worry about it.

 

People also want friends they feel good around. A guy who is easy going, who jokes a lot, who does fun things, who is relaxed, and who has a positive attitude about life is a lot more likely to find friends that someone who is down and depressed because the world is against him.

 

Don't work so hard at making friends. Be nice, be there, but if they don't respond to you, don't worry about it...don't push the issue...just be on your way. Change your whole attitude about this.

 

It is far better for you to work ten years to finally find one true friend than for you to have dozens of situational friends at school who you'll never see again when school lets out. That's mostly the kind of friends people make at at school. Situational friends are sort of forced friendships that result from just being thrown together for a common purpose. Once that purpose is over, like school or military or work, etc., the friendship ends.

 

Yes, you can definitely make lifelong friends at all those places but it doesn't happen often. Friendship has to be based on lots of things including chemistry, mutual interests, compatible personalities, etc. So some friendships can last just for the duration of a certain situation...like school or a work project...while other friendships can last a lifetime.

 

Be sure you learn to distinguish between friends, the people who are there for you when you need them, and acquaintances...people who are around because they have to be there for some reason.

 

So, work on yourself and make sure you aren't seeming to needy or clingy. Make yourself a valueable commodity. Take the attitude that you are the best friend anybody could possibly have and if they won't be friends with you, it's definitely their loss...and really feel that.

 

Don't be in such a rush. You are a lot better off than Mr. Personality at school who has dozens of people following him or her all over the school yard. Once school is done, those types are usually the loneliest because out in the real world, they are just another person like you who can't rely upon a particular situation for followers.

 

Real friends are actually quite hard to find but they are out there. Take your time to find a real one. Let everybody else enjoy the phonies.