Hurt and not sure what to think of friendship

[Ksid13]

I have a bit of a complicated friendship with a friend and I keep struggling with how to handle it. She said and did some stuff two summers ago that have me questioning if I can trust her and how much she truly cares. She never had a conversation with me about any of it. Texted me and said we needed more friend stuff (she is my kids pediatrician too). That we had too much doctor stuff and other things. Since then, I've had to do the majority of the trying and the communicating and last winter aabout this time after she canceled a play date over Christmas break and never rescheduled, I just got really upset and hurt. She started to text me this spring and summer a little- acted like all is just fine. kept saying she hoped we could get together but never made any effort. This fall she texted me quite a bit to talk about stuff in her life. Still said we needed to get together soon but never made plans. We finally ended up going to a concert last weekend because I got the tickets and asked her. She shared stuff with me the whole night, we had so much fun- but this not ok with me that we see each other at the Dr office and she finds out stuff about my life that way, only texts when it is convenient for her and then it may be months before we do anything again. I'm always the listener, but the thing that really hurt me was that she makes a huge effort and does nice things for this one friend of hers- never me. She never reciprocates what I do. and the worst thing is she told me something really serious that happened with her son who is in my oldest child class - and I was like I am sorry why didn't you tell me. her excuse was that it's not something you can just text and the only people she told was this one friend of course and her parents. ok...so she found a way to tell her other friend- she could have told me. so I feel like she didn't really care if I knew...it happened a month ago and the only reason she told me is because we happened to be in the car for an hour. otherwise I still wouldn't know. And I wrote her a really nice email the next day saying I had fun and glad we could go and thanked her for sharing what she did, etc...and that I was here to listen and be the4e for her and all I got back was "thank you". Am I over reacting? I feel like she could care less about me or our friendship- and that what is the point? She has her bff and seems all she cares about- as far as friendships. the tricky part...I have to maintain relationship with her because of my kids.

[beyondcrushed]

She seems to have no love lost for you. You are right -- if she cared, she'd make more effort a confide in you more. I suggest you hold your head high and move on. Find other friends who reciprocate. Be polite with her if you ever run into her e.g. at doctor's office, child's school.

[basil67]

Ksid, I have to be honest and say that you're sounding a bit needy. Is your interest in her truly platonic? Because you're sounding like you want her to stick to commitments like a girlfriend would.

 

When we are adults juggling kids and busy lives, the flexibility and understanding given by friends who understand is so important. All of my friends and I have to cancel on each other now and again, but we are all really understanding and don't take it personally. If someone gets too busy, we know we will catch up on a future date, but nobody worries about when it will be.

 

It's also quite normal to say "We must catch up soon" and find yourselves too busy to organise anything.

 

The other thing to remember is that there are tiers of friendships. It sounds to me like you're on her second or third tier. At that level, you're not going to be on the receiving end of updates and things. But that's OK, we can't all be each other's best friends. We've all got people who we are closer to than others.

 

Just chill out and remember that she's not a really close friend. She's just a regular friend with a busy life.

[Ksid13]

The problem I think is the inconsistency that I am not used to because I don't have this issue with my other friends and friendships. I am taking it all very personal and it comes across to me like rejection- when she probably has no idea. She didn't even have her kids signed up for school until the first day. She can't manage stuff at home without hiring help for cleaning and gardening and laundry. I think she doesn't navigate friendship or time well. she told me she is a terrible planner- has to take stuff one day at a time. I'm the opposite. I am type A, She is type D. I think what makes me feel valued and appreciated are things that are not her strong suit. But then she does something like bring food to her friend when they were sick and took the healthy kid to her house to play- my son was in the hospital and she didn't do anything to help- but said this other friend could use a pick me up. Nice. what a slap in the face. When she was sick, I made her family a meal and dropped it off and picked her kids up from school. It's fine if everything isn't always equal...but I see she does it when she suddenly has time for those she cares about. She tells me Oh its nice to see you, or I will have to return the favor and I can't wait to come see your new house and your kids need to come over and play with our puppy, and she does this mixed signal stuff all the time. I've given presents and things and have never got a thank you card, sometimes not even a text...or I have to ask if she got it or liked it because she doesn't say anything. But then she tells me when her husband is mean and said he needs a new wife and different kids and he hates his job and she tells me he is a camel when it comes to sex and how he could care less not doing it and about her stressful days at work and when one of her kids had to be tested for cancer - that was not this latest thing. So that is why I struggle. I pull back and dont initiate communication and then she decides to. So I don't think I'm needy. I think it's her...We are different and it's hard for me to understand. I don't treat my friends this way. I may not talk to them all the time or not get together as much as we would like but I don't question the intention or that the friendship or I matter to them...we all get busy. that is life. and I have a special needs child so I have a lot more stress and things to juggle. It's the not responding appropriately or leaving me wondering all the time. And I could be taking it all too much to heart. She does not have many friends she does things with. I just don't like that I am treated different than this best friend yet I'm the go to when she needs support or prayers. It makes me hurt and angry and then it affects how I act and comes across snippy- because she has no idea or if she does she doesn't care. Last winter she did say that if she had to cancel to please not think it is because she doesn't care. That yes she said sick kids and was busy at work with patients but that it also mattered to her spending time with me and my kids. ok...but she never followed through- nothing shows she cares. Her actions and words don't line up. she could go weeks and not see or talk to me and she is fine with that but then what does it really mean? Is that just who she is and I'm not supposed to read more into it??

[stillafool]

It doesn't sound like you are compatible as friends. I'm a bit more like her where I'll see you when I see you and when we do get together you can bet we'll have a blast. I can't handle needy friends who want me to respond to them as if they were my lover. I think you should probably let this friendship cool. Say hi when you see her, be pleasant but keep it moving. I bet she'd appreciate that too.

[SpiralOut]

I think you should stop comparing yourself to her other friend. She won't treat you the same way because the two of you aren't as close. That's not a bad thing.

 

It's nice of you to do so many favours for her, but she's not reciprocating, and it's making you resentful (that's the impression I get, anyway). It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't care. People can't always give that much energy/attention to everyone. Just pull back and treat her as more of a casual friend.

Edited December 16, 2016 by SpiralOut

[basil67]

She complains about her husband to you and discusses her sex life. Given your insecurity in the relationship, it sounds to me like you've got a crush on her.

 

I'd be surprised if you wrote a post about one of your male mates behaving in the same manner.

[Ksid13]

I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about. I listen to her complain about her husband on all different levels. Why would this ever indicate I have a crush on her??!! Because I think it should not be so hard to be a decent friend?? I am happily married, mother to three, very much in love with my husban. This is just about being hurt- and not knowing how to go about dealing with it. She may not realize it or she does and she doesn't care. It bothers me because I'm not used to peope being like this. I have a number of great friends who dont make me feel bad and sad and rejected. Therefore I think it's her- it's just who she is and I have to decide if I'm willing to accept it. It puts me in a hard and awkward spot because she is my kids Dr and she is the one who decided for us to be friends outside of the professional relationship. I just wish I could see in her heart.

[basil67]

My apologies. For some reason, I thought you were a male poster. My incorrect assumption has slanted part of my responses in totally the wrong direction.

 

I just think it's a combination of you not being on her inner tier of friends and the fact that she's disorganised. Personally, I wouldn't dump a friend over this, but I wouldn't put much work in to the friendship either.

[stillafool]

I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about. I listen to her complain about her husband on all different levels. Why would this ever indicate I have a crush on her??!! Because I think it should not be so hard to be a decent friend?? I am happily married, mother to three, very much in love with my husban. This is just about being hurt- and not knowing how to go about dealing with it. She may not realize it or she does and she doesn't care. It bothers me because I'm not used to peope being like this. I have a number of great friends who dont make me feel bad and sad and rejected. Therefore I think it's her- it's just who she is and I have to decide if I'm willing to accept it. It puts me in a hard and awkward spot because she is my kids Dr and she is the one who decided for us to be friends outside of the professional relationship. I just wish I could see in her heart.

 

Considering you have so many other wonderful friends you really don't need this woman to be your close friend. Stop doing things for her and just treat her casually. I'm surprised with 3 kids and a husband you even have time for her. If it's too uncomfortable change doctors.

[preraph]

You're expecting a level of friendship she isn't going to give you. She has closer friends than you, probably ones she's known her whole life that she will be closest too, and probably family. Plus she's a doctor and doctors do not have much spare time at all.

[Ksid13]

I just wanted some help on how to look at the situation better and feel more positive and less upset. I get that I can't explain every situation that has happened and how she is to the point that you will fully understand. Some of you say I'm expecting a higher level of friendship or more time or that the problem is me. Yet she is the one who talked my ear off for 3 hours last weekend about every aspect of her life- which she said she doesn't do with many people- so that is very conflicting. My son had an appt with her yesterday and she hugged me and told me about her grandman who just fell that morning and has pneumonia and probably won't get better and about her husband who hates his job and her daughter being sick and her having to be on call this weekend and she was sharing how she felt and then that one frIend of her mom got her leg amputated and is in ICU in California. I know she doesn't tell that to her other patients mom's. And she asked me to pray and hugged me again...so is this me expecting more from the friendship??? I don't think so. I think it's her deciding what she wants out of it and when...her terms and her needs and I am supposed to just be fine with that apparently. I'm not used to friendship being complicated or stressful and it bothers me- because I'm a good friend and person and take it personal, and I think I assume because she may not check in or say certain things or reach out like I may, that it means she doesn't care. I sent her a really nice email last night that I was thinking of her and glad she told me what was going on. That I had her Christmas gift and maybe sometime in the next couple weeks we could drop it off of there was a day she would be home and that my son would love to get together with hers over break one day if it worked out with their schedule. I also said I was praying for everyone and to keep me posted. She didn't even respond. I never would do that. I would have said something...even thank you or I'll let you know about break or Joe would love to get together one day. She was talking to me about how she worries about her middle child going to college one day - he's only 11, because he has epilepsy- and so does my middle child. And as she is telling me about it she says "you won't have to worry about that with Ethan". Really. wow. that hurts. ouch. She seriously does not think how she comes across. Am I not supposed to feel bad about that? It's totally ok because she may have closer friends and be a doctor?? It's still me expecting too much??! She told me last week she wanted to go to this concert in March. So I think I'm just stepping back and if she wants to share anything or get in touch before then or get her present...she can get ahold of me. I'm not going to be my usual caring ask her how things are going and about her grandma and stuff like I normally would. not gonna beg people to be in my life or try so hard.

[SaltAndLight]

Oh the joys of trying to figure other people out!! I have often times been in your shoes where I feel like i give so much more to the friendships than i get in return and its not a good feeling. What i began to do was just only give what i was 100% sure i could give without expecting anything in return. When we expect things to be reciprocated, we often times get hurt... I think it was well of you to send her the note/email you sent, that was a really sweet gesture.

[SpiralOut]

She sees you as the person she can talk to about her problems, maybe because you are less involved in her life and can see things more objectively. Being outside her main friend circle, whatever she tells you also won't get back to everyone else. I used to get that with lots of people I hardly know just telling me their personal stuff. Trust me, it doesn't always mean they want to be close friends. Sometimes people can't help themselves; usually they don't realize what they're doing. That's fine that you don't like it. If she mostly dumps her problems on you and doesn't contribute anything else to the friendship, then why try so hard to be friends with her.

Edited December 18, 2016 by SpiralOut

[preraph]

That's just it, you're upping your "consideration" hoping this will make her up hers, and yes, that is trying too hard. If you go beyond what a person is reciprocating, that is directly pressuring that person, and this one isn't caving into your pressure. It is what it is. She is fine with an intermittent, no strings, no obligations, acquaintance with you, but you are not. So the answer is to stop focusing on her permanently and just refocus yourself because she is not reciprocating and surely never will to the extent you're hoping.

[stillafool]

I just wanted some help on how to look at the situation better and feel more positive and less upset. I get that I can't explain every situation that has happened and how she is to the point that you will fully understand. Some of you say I'm expecting a higher level of friendship or more time or that the problem is me. Yet she is the one who talked my ear off for 3 hours last weekend about every aspect of her life- which she said she doesn't do with many people- so that is very conflicting. My son had an appt with her yesterday and she hugged me and told me about her grandman who just fell that morning and has pneumonia and probably won't get better and about her husband who hates his job and her daughter being sick and her having to be on call this weekend and she was sharing how she felt and then that one frIend of her mom got her leg amputated and is in ICU in California. I know she doesn't tell that to her other patients mom's. And she asked me to pray and hugged me again...so is this me expecting more from the friendship??? I don't think so. I think it's her deciding what she wants out of it and when...her terms and her needs and I am supposed to just be fine with that apparently. I'm not used to friendship being complicated or stressful and it bothers me- because I'm a good friend and person and take it personal, and I think I assume because she may not check in or say certain things or reach out like I may, that it means she doesn't care. I sent her a really nice email last night that I was thinking of her and glad she told me what was going on. That I had her Christmas gift and maybe sometime in the next couple weeks we could drop it off of there was a day she would be home and that my son would love to get together with hers over break one day if it worked out with their schedule. I also said I was praying for everyone and to keep me posted. She didn't even respond. I never would do that. I would have said something...even thank you or I'll let you know about break or Joe would love to get together one day. She was talking to me about how she worries about her middle child going to college one day - he's only 11, because he has epilepsy- and so does my middle child. And as she is telling me about it she says "you won't have to worry about that with Ethan". Really. wow. that hurts. ouch. She seriously does not think how she comes across. Am I not supposed to feel bad about that? It's totally ok because she may have closer friends and be a doctor?? It's still me expecting too much??! She told me last week she wanted to go to this concert in March. So I think I'm just stepping back and if she wants to share anything or get in touch before then or get her present...she can get ahold of me. I'm not going to be my usual caring ask her how things are going and about her grandma and stuff like I normally would. not gonna beg people to be in my life or try so hard.

 

You know the same thing happens with my hairdresser. I go in she tells me about everything that is going on in her life the entire time I am there. I share what is happening in mine. Then we part and don't speak to each other again until I come in for a hair cut which could be a couple months. I think this is the type of relationship you have with her. Again, if it bothers you this much just get another doctor who will not tell you her personal business. Also why are you buying her a Christmas present? Do you normally exchange gifts?

[Ksid13]

I actually came to a place yesterday- of knowing what I want to do. I am only going to reach out or text or initiate communication when I am OK with whatever or no response from her. When I'm just being myself because that is who I am. honestly I am a really good friend. I have had my other friends tell me my positive qualities and strengths and what they appreciate about me all the time. So it's her loss. I don't need to waste my time or get emotionally stressed or down if she chooses to not treat me the way I wish she would. I can't change her. But I can change my way of handling my feelings and not letting her control them. I am fine with not a close friendship with her- truly she doesn't have many attributes that make her a good friend. I just don't want to have the torn feelings from her inconsistency wondering if she does care. Some people are just bad at expressing feelings and thinking of others and navigating friendship. This isn't for me to take personal. I know I've been a good friend to her and shown in care. I'm over trying. Take it or leave it....

[Ksid13]

this is not at all like a hairdresser relationship. And that's pretty offensive. I get my kids teachers, bus drivers, aides, our pastor and their pediatrician something fyi..just a gift card and some of her favorite candy. I don't expect any of these to get my kids or myself something. She actually does a lot for my 3 kids and not just when in the office. They have serious medical stuff and one has major health issues and special needs...it's complicated and that's why I can't change doctors if I wanted to. also because our office is the only one within an hour drive.

[stillafool]

I also get my hairdresser a Christmas gift and I don't see how what I said was offensive. Fine, if she's the doctor you need for your child's condition and you can't get another; so maybe just keep it on a professional level.

[Ksid13]

I have tried. I would stop contacting her at all for weeks - and anything medical I called the office and left a message. She would then out of the blue text me "hey sweet lady. been thinking of you. hope you are all healthy" or "I'm drinking out of the coffee mug from you and am thankful for you" or about some terrible emergency she had at work. So then we start being in more touch. That is the whole problem. she is so inconsistent. none of my other friends are like this. at all. She said "we should try to get together over break. I would love that" but then didn't hear from her once.

[stillafool]

Just realize that her communication isn't going to be consistent. If she texts things like she is drinking out of the mug you gave her - just text back - Enjoy! and that's all. Keep it moving.