She wants time to find herself and be friends for now.. What does it really mean?

[chameleon1]

I will try and keep it short!

 

My ex and I have broken up a few day's ago after several talks about our relationship and the future. We haven't been getting on too well over the past few months or so.

 

She has told me that she want's to spend some time alone so that she can find herself and try to be comfortable in her own skin, and to find happiness from within.

 

She also told me that she feel's as if I need to work on some things myself. And that she still wants to be with me in the future. If this doesn't get sorted now, then it will come up later down the line in the relationship and get worse, is what she said.

 

Over the past few months or so, she has told me that I can be frustrating by not making decisions, being all cluttered in my head, and that sometimes I don't have certainty that she is mine in public.

 

She also has a some insecurities which come up if I spend time with my friends or I'm out doing other stuff where she starts to wonder what I'm up to.

 

I just want to know if she is being genuine, and isn't stringing me along trying to keep me holding on. She told me that if she didn't want to be with me she would just straight up say it. It's more about her needing space to figure her own stuff out, and for me to work on myself more so that I can become clear on my own life, mission, and purpose. She hasn't been getting what she needs in the relationship, but the primary reason for the break up is because she is feeling lost and unsure in her life.

 

I want to make things work out in the long run. Should I just focus on my own stuff for now and give her the space? If she's serious she will stay in touch with me.

[S2B]

Ya, just stay away. This usually means she doesn't think you are the one.

 

Get busy dating...don't wait around for her to decide or make up her mind - she's likely decided and doesn't want to hurt you even more.

[LD1990]

Any talk about working on yourselves is just typical dumper BS. If she saw a future with you, she would be with you. She wouldn't risk losing you forever so you could both work on things alone. She'd talk to you about her concerns so you two could work on things together.

 

Don't stay in touch with her and definitely don't be her friend. It will just keep you in this lousy, awkward position. Better to rip the band-aid off now and get it over with than wait around until she starts dating another guy.

[fromheart]

What she's saying is, she's not feeling it right now so she's going to see other people, she'll keep you as back up if she decides she wants you back.

 

You are now an option to her, not a priority. A woman in love will not do this.

 

Don't get friendzoned by her, tell her to give you a shout if she changes her mind and then go completely NC. This will take some of the power back. Otherwise, she's calling all the shots and you are a friendzoned lapdog, while she's out there doing what she wants with whom she wants.

 

Sorry to be so direct, this is what 'space,' always means.

[salparadise]

She has told me that she want's to spend some time alone so that she can find herself and try to be comfortable in her own skin, and to find happiness from within.

 

Interpretation: low interest, wants to bang someone else.

 

She also told me that she feel's as if I need to work on some things myself. And that she still wants to be with me in the future. If this doesn't get sorted now, then it will come up later down the line in the relationship and get worse, is what she said.

 

Total BS. She put you on the back burner.

 

Over the past few months or so, she has told me that I can be frustrating by not making decisions, being all cluttered in my head, and that sometimes I don't have certainty that she is mine in public.

 

Hmmm. She criticizes you for not being alpha enough her, then pushes away.

 

She also has a some insecurities which come up if I spend time with my friends or I'm out doing other stuff where she starts to wonder what I'm up to.

 

Your best move at this point is to start dating others. It might trigger jealousy, or it might not, but sitting around waiting until she decides if you're good enough for her is bull$hit.

 

I just want to know if she is being genuine, and isn't stringing me along trying to keep me holding on. She told me that if she didn't want to be with me she would just straight up say it. It's more about her needing space to figure her own stuff out, and for me to work on myself more so that I can become clear on my own life, mission, and purpose. She hasn't been getting what she needs in the relationship, but the primary reason for the break up is because she is feeling lost and unsure in her life.

 

I want to make things work out in the long run. Should I just focus on my own stuff for now and give her the space? If she's serious she will stay in touch with me.

 

She's playing head games. Chances are that this relationship is done due to lack of interest on her part, but... if there is any chance it will be because of you making decisive moves that put you in control. You should be angry, not moping around like a sad puppy. Take someone else out and make sure she hears about it. Give her more space than she imagined –– take control by going NC. Being obedient will get you nowhere.

[chameleon1]

She also has not spent enough time alone since a young age which is another reason she wants time to find herself.

 

So you don't think any of this could be genuine? Because I've always gone by the belief that you can't be happy with somebody else unless you're happy in yourself.

 

Here is another part I forgot to mention. We were both in the same place a few days back, after we had spoken on the break. She then text me later on saying that she's seen me looking at other women which is not okay with her. And if were to be together in the future I need to cut that out.

 

We spoke about where we stand being single. We both said that we don't want to get with anyone else. We also both agreed that if we did then that would kill any future together.

[LD1990]

It's not a genuine desire to be alone, it's a genuine desire to not be with you anymore. Trust someone who has been there. She is either with someone new already or looking for someone new.

 

People love having admirers. So even though she dumped you, she still wants you around to stroke her ego and be her backup plan.

 

As hard as it is, it's time to summon up all your pride, man up, and move on. Don't settle for being anyone's option. And definitely don't let her pull this "don't look at other girls" garbage. The second she dumped you she lost the right to complain about that. Her saying that is just another way to keep you wrapped around her little finger while she has fun with her new boyfriend.

[VienneseCoffee]

I heard the same kind of stuff from my ex-bf and he was indeed stringing me along until he met a new person.

[Kelley]

A woman in love does not let her man go in fear of another woman winning his heart. She is easing her guilt by trying to stay friends and also keeping you as a back up plan for the occasional ego stroke. Do yourself a favour and move on and heal, don't let her string you a long,

[lolablue17]

So you don't think any of this could be genuine? Because I've always gone by the belief that you can't be happy with somebody else unless you're happy in yourself.

 

Listen, guy... Let's show some respect towards her and say that she can be genuine, but it is valid to the minute it's been said, and she might change her mind 180 in a second. This is what almost always happen.

 

She then text me later on saying that she's seen me looking at other women which is not okay with her. And if were to be together in the future I need to cut that out.

 

She is really a piece of art. It's fine to take limited time off (few days) while setting rules which in that period no one will date other people. It is also fine to initiate a break up, and regretting it after an day, or few days.

 

But she is selfish enough to allow herself to search and explore other men (Did she commit not to?) while threatening you not to look at other girls.

 

Here is my advice. Did she wish an alpha male? Give her that - Go and tell her that you think you both can resolve problems and find yourselves in the relationship. You think that a break up will kill everything. That you still love her and willing to work on yourself. BUT, if she insists breaking up with you, it means you're both single, and you're not going to wait for her anymore. If she's breaking up with you, you can't promise her not to date very soon.

 

Stick to that... Because if you don't, there is 99% percent that the next thing will be "Honey, I'm so sorry I have anew guy", or more likely you might even find it out through FB or mutual friends.

[Satu]

She is feeding you nonsense, so you'll be happy sitting on the back burner, as an insurance policy, if things don't go well with the other guy she's interested in.

 

And there is at least one other guy she's interested in.

 

You can be sure of that.

 

 

Take care.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

We were both in the same place a few days back, after we had spoken on the break. She then text me later on saying that she's seen me looking at other women which is not okay with her. And if were to be together in the future I need to cut that out.

 

She doesn't get to make those types of demands anymore because she broke up with you.

 

Expecting you to put your love life on hold indefinitely is completely unreasonable and you need to make that perfectly clear that you won't be waiting around, there are plenty of other options out there.

 

It sounds very manipulative to dangle the the possibility of getting back together in the future in order to get you to do what she wants. If she valued your relationship, she could have worked on her issues and finding herself without resorting to breaking up.

 

She made her choice and now she has to live with it.

[gulfball]

This is going to take a lot of courage, strength, and confidence to do but walk away. Start dating someone new ASAP. Someone who sees exactly how amazing you are and who won't take you for granted.

[chameleon1]

There are literally no responses that give me hope.

 

How can I spend so much time with someone who cares for them to **** me over?

 

It was not long ago that she was very clingy and needy towards me. How things have changed.

[basil67]

Yes, a few months of not getting along will change the relationship. What kind of issues were occurring?

[Poutrew]

Your relationship with her will never work. In addition to what others have said, the main reason to me is that she is not only telling you that she has stuff to work out concerning herself, but she is also telling you what you need to change about you to be attractive to her. This is BS. She doesn't have any right to control you . So, right now she sees you as a friend zoned beta orbiter doing his best to get back in her good graces. When she tells you the next time how you need to change, simply agree with her. Then tell her the person you become after the change may be more attractive to other women, and you are going to run with it, and see how things turn out. Thank her for her constructive criticism and wish her a happy life of self exploration. Tell her that no matter how things turn out with her, you are sure she will eventually find a person whom she deserves. I would bet she would take that as a compliment...Then go NC and start dating other women. Have fun and don't think about her any more.

[Blanco]

I guarantee you that if you buy her words at face value, you will be back here in a few weeks or months telling us about the guy(s) she slept with or is dating.

 

There's a reason why so many people here are basically telling you the same thing: Your soon-to-be-ex's reasons are lifted almost verbatim from the "How to End a Relationship" handbook.

 

There is almost no chance she stays completely unattached for long, no matter how much she wants to "find herself." The fact that she's rarely been alone means she's more likely to link up with someone new soon, not less likely. Old habits die hard and all that.

[Blanco]

Here is another part I forgot to mention. We were both in the same place a few days back, after we had spoken on the break. She then text me later on saying that she's seen me looking at other women which is not okay with her. And if were to be together in the future I need to cut that out.

 

We spoke about where we stand being single. We both said that we don't want to get with anyone else. We also both agreed that if we did then that would kill any future together.

 

Gotta give her credit: She's laying some masterful groundwork to be able to have her cake and eat it, too. She's basically requested that she be free to go hunting for fresh meat while you sit in your room, living like a monk, patiently waiting for her to find herself and maybe return to you.

[phineas]

Interpretation: low interest, wants to bang someone else.

 

 

 

Total BS. She put you on the back burner.

 

 

 

Hmmm. She criticizes you for not being alpha enough her, then pushes away.

 

 

 

Your best move at this point is to start dating others. It might trigger jealousy, or it might not, but sitting around waiting until she decides if you're good enough for her is bull$hit.

 

 

 

She's playing head games. Chances are that this relationship is done due to lack of interest on her part, but... if there is any chance it will be because of you making decisive moves that put you in control. You should be angry, not moping around like a sad puppy. Take someone else out and make sure she hears about it. Give her more space than she imagined –– take control by going NC. Being obedient will get you nowhere.

 

pretty much this.

could not of said it better.

[chameleon1]

Yes, a few months of not getting along will change the relationship. What kind of issues were occurring?

 

This is what's so confusing to me. Any issues we have had in the past have always been of me feeling like she is clingy and won't give me space. She has said a few times that she doesn't know if I can give her the attention she needs.

 

Now it seems its turned around. The thing is, I know it hasn't been great but I still want to work on things and not walk away. She once told me that she didn't know what she would do without me.

 

I'm thinking of telling her straight, for this 'break' to work on my terms, I need a promise that she will not be with any other guy, if she cannot promise me that then in my eyes its done there and then. I know she wouldn't break this promise if she made it because of how much pain she suffered after previously being cheated on. If she can't agree to it then it tells me all I need to know.

[MrBojangles]

This is what's so confusing to me. Any issues we have had in the past have always been of me feeling like she is clingy and won't give me space. She has said a few times that she doesn't know if I can give her the attention she needs.

 

Now it seems its turned around. The thing is, I know it hasn't been great but I still want to work on things and not walk away. She once told me that she didn't know what she would do without me.

 

I'm thinking of telling her straight, for this 'break' to work on my terms, I need a promise that she will not be with any other guy, if she cannot promise me that then in my eyes its done there and then. I know she wouldn't break this promise if she made it because of how much pain she suffered after previously being cheated on. If she can't agree to it then it tells me all I need to know.

 

How old are the both of you if you don't mind sharing that info?

 

You seem to be ignoring some great advice being offered by others here in your thread. Sure, you may be able to get her to agree not to see other guys, but as you've been forewarned by Blanco, you will be right back here singing the blues when she violates your "terms".

 

Leave with your pride intact now, or hang around until she eventually breaks your heart.

[chameleon1]

How old are the both of you if you don't mind sharing that info?

 

You seem to be ignoring some great advice being offered by others here in your thread. Sure, you may be able to get her to agree not to see other guys, but as you've been forewarned by Blanco, you will be right back here singing the blues when she violates your "terms".

 

Leave with your pride intact now, or hang around until she eventually breaks your heart.

 

I am 28, she is 20. So there's a big gap.

 

I understand that there is some advice here, but to be honest It's not really something I was expecting to hear off pretty much every person.

 

It just seems that having a break 100% means it is done, according to this forum. But it's hard to believe that maybe some people in life have demons that do need facing alone. Obviously I don't know the answers, but I am an optimist, clearly. In the early stages I felt a little claustrophobic and that I was being pushed away because I needed space to do my own stuff. It didn't mean I didn't want to be with her.

 

I'm sure you've all heard stories or know of people who spent time apart and ended up back together one day. It can't all be gloomy surely?

[LD1990]

I'm thinking of telling her straight, for this 'break' to work on my terms, I need a promise that she will not be with any other guy, if she cannot promise me that then in my eyes its done there and then. I know she wouldn't break this promise if she made it because of how much pain she suffered after previously being cheated on. If she can't agree to it then it tells me all I need to know.

 

It's over man. Trying to get her to promise you she won't be with anyone else isn't going to change reality. You've got to try to heal and move on, not cling to the past.

 

And there's no shortage of threads here where a guy has said "I know she wouldn't cheat/lie to me" only to later find out that actually, yes she would.

[Blanco]

20? Game over, my man. She's got a lot of growing up to do. Most people her age do.

 

Don't believe for a second that a 20-year-old girl who's rarely been single and has shown signs of clinginess is going to be unattached for very long if you agree to this break.

 

I think most of us are guilty of agreeing to breaks in our lives but, really, that's something you grow out of and leave to the teens and college kids.

[Blanco]

And ask yourself why exactly someone would need to be single to "find" themselves? When people try to end relationships with that reasoning, it means it's due in part to them wanting to be available to other people.

 

I'll go a step further and say that if she's swung from clingy to wanting a "break," she's at least got another guy in mind.