She wants time to find herself and be friends for now.. What does it really mean?

[lolablue17]

I'm thinking of telling her straight, for this 'break' to work on my terms, I need a promise that she will not be with any other guy, if she cannot promise me that then in my eyes its done there and then.

 

 

NO NO NO!

 

This kind of a break (including a promise not to date others) can hold for a limited short time like few days. You can promise each other to give space, and set a meeting for a week later, and until then, no dating with others.

 

But there is no such thing like promising not to date others for a long unlimited time. It's a 100% recipe for a heart ache.

 

Now, you wonder how did she turn from needy to this? Well she has come to conclusion (probably with an external advice) that she is too needy and she must grow balls and she must do it without you.

 

You turn not to listen to what everyone tells you here. I really wish you happiness but you probably must crash into the wall yourself in order to see what everyone here can see.

[lolablue17]

I'm sure you've all heard stories or know of people who spent time apart and ended up back together one day. It can't all be gloomy surely?

 

The odds to this are very small.

 

But when it happens, it better be a renewal based on a journey that you both made, including being with other people. If you go outside and after few month\years both want to get back together, it doesn't happen a lot but when it does, it comes from a healthy clean decision, that's why it might last. But you must really really check out first.

 

I have never heard of people who broke up, went to separate ways for a long period, haven't date at all with others in this period, and came back together based on promises. No. Never heard. Her, wanting you back must be based on desire and love, not promises.

Edited December 17, 2016 by lolablue17

[Poutrew]

I'm sure you've all heard stories or know of people who spent time apart and ended up back together one day. It can't all be gloomy surely?

 

Sure... there is a post on this forum about a year back where the woman wanted a 'break', promised her guy that there would be no funny business, and the guy bought it and later married her... oh wait, 17 years later he finds out that there were other men involved. 17 years later it's old news to her, but hits him like a ton of bricks in the face. So No, offhand, I can't think of a single example where the girl really kept her legs closed, and where there were no other men involved. Not a single one. Sorry.

[LargoLagg]

I will try and keep it short!

 

My ex and I have broken up a few day's ago after several talks about our relationship and the future. We haven't been getting on too well over the past few months or so.

 

She has told me that she want's to spend some time alone so that she can find herself and try to be comfortable in her own skin, and to find happiness from within.

 

She also told me that she feel's as if I need to work on some things myself. And that she still wants to be with me in the future. If this doesn't get sorted now, then it will come up later down the line in the relationship and get worse, is what she said.

 

Over the past few months or so, she has told me that I can be frustrating by not making decisions, being all cluttered in my head, and that sometimes I don't have certainty that she is mine in public.

 

She also has a some insecurities which come up if I spend time with my friends or I'm out doing other stuff where she starts to wonder what I'm up to.

 

I just want to know if she is being genuine, and isn't stringing me along trying to keep me holding on. She told me that if she didn't want to be with me she would just straight up say it. It's more about her needing space to figure her own stuff out, and for me to work on myself more so that I can become clear on my own life, mission, and purpose. She hasn't been getting what she needs in the relationship, but the primary reason for the break up is because she is feeling lost and unsure in her life.

 

I want to make things work out in the long run. Should I just focus on my own stuff for now and give her the space? If she's serious she will stay in touch with me.

She's trying to be nice, to let you down easy, but she's cruel as can be, because you don't seem to embrace her meaning.

 

Take her at her word. Don't assume anything she doesn't tell you, and even then, only believe the worst parts. If she wants space, give her space. If she wants you to work on yourself, F*** her. You decide what you will work on and what you won't. I'm not saying she doesn't have good suggestions. I'm simply saying do it for yourself, not for her.

 

Relationships should be easy, and they should become easier as you go along. Most don't, and that's why people break up. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a journey of discovery, and what you're most likely to discover is that you're incompatible. No big deal. Find a new one, and try again.

[S2B]

I'll place my bet on:

 

She has her eye on someone she intends to pursue but just doesn't want you in her way... yep, it's usually that.

 

Don't make any promises and start dating.

 

A break is the same as a break up!

 

ANY person REALLY into another person never asks for a "break" without good reason - and the reason is usually to date someone else.

[salparadise]

 

She has her eye on someone she intends to pursue but just doesn't want you in her way... yep, it's usually that.

 

Don't make any promises and start dating.

 

A break is the same as a break up!

 

ANY person REALLY into another person never asks for a "break" without good reason - and the reason is usually to date someone else.

 

 

^Yup, have to agree.

 

She's either extremely confused, or some other guy has paid her some attention and she just can't help herself. You said she has been the clingy one in the past and needs lots of attention –– is that the kind of person who suddenly tells you to stay away for no particular reason? Oh yea, she needs to "work on herself." Pffffft. What does that even mean? It's an empty platitude.

 

 

There are literally no responses that give me hope.

 

Nope. That's because everyone here is seeing what's obvious, however, you seem to be in denial. You're taking what she says literally and thinking that by being obedient everything will be ok.

 

Everyone here is telling you she's working an agenda. Most likely a new guy showing interest and she wants to see how it works out while keeping you on hold. Otherwise, it's a generalized feeing that she needs to see what she's been missing... optimizing; leveraging her potential. She has acquired the notion that she can do better. She's going to test that notion and she's asking you to be cooperative.

 

Sitting around waiting, looking weak and pitiful is not attractive. The best hope you have of getting back on track is by triggering her fear of loss. Fortunately, the same move that potentially does that is the one that preserves your dignity and opens up possibilities for you as well.

[Alamo657]

She has fallen out of love with you, but still has a deep affection for you.

 

I think she genuinely thinks what she is saying, but in the real world, such decisions usually end up in meeting new people, and forgetting the past.

[fromheart]

I am 28, she is 20. So there's a big gap.

 

I understand that there is some advice here, but to be honest It's not really something I was expecting to hear off pretty much every person.

 

It just seems that having a break 100% means it is done, according to this forum. But it's hard to believe that maybe some people in life have demons that do need facing alone. Obviously I don't know the answers, but I am an optimist, clearly. In the early stages I felt a little claustrophobic and that I was being pushed away because I needed space to do my own stuff. It didn't mean I didn't want to be with her.

 

I'm sure you've all heard stories or know of people who spent time apart and ended up back together one day. It can't all be gloomy surely?

 

 

I wouldn't let a 20 year old have control, when she clearly doesn't know what she's doing.

 

You're the older one, so take the reigns. Tell her plain and straight, as a man you can't live your life waiting for someone to maybe come back, whilst not looking after yourself, ie living your life and moving forward.

 

She can go and have her space, and do what she needs to do. In the meantime you're going to walk away without looking back, and look after yourself.

 

If she wants to hook up and have fun, then she can call you.

 

Then walk away and mean it, complete NC. This will take the power back and show that you are a man who knows what he wants. This is actually very good for her, as with all respect she is acting like a spoilt child right now, and she needs to be told No.

Unless you stand up to her and tell her no, she wont feel safe around you.

 

She'll kick and scream at you for standing up to her, let her. Tell her that she can speak to you when she's calmed down, if she gets aggressive or disrespectful.

 

Maybe you will hook up with someone else, maybe she will. This is life and it happens, but its been her choice and not yours.

 

There is actually only one way to re attract her, and this is it. But it ONLY works if you do it genuinely for you, and not as a tactic to get her back. I'm usually reluctant to say this, as people sometimes use NC as a way to get their ex back which will then never work. The purpose of walking on must be to look after yourself first, to re establish a connection with yourself which we sometimes lose in a connection with another.

 

Bear in mind also, if you're going to date women that young, they are changing and developing at a fast rate. I'd expect a 20 year old girl to be here today but not necessarily tomorrow. I'd let her do what she has to do with no attachment, and no expectation of relationship stability, just having fun with it and giving her a good experience.

 

If its something more long term you're after, I'd advise dating closer to your own age.

[MrBojangles]

I am 28, she is 20. So there's a big gap.

 

I understand that there is some advice here, but to be honest It's not really something I was expecting to hear off pretty much every person.

 

It just seems that having a break 100% means it is done, according to this forum. But it's hard to believe that maybe some people in life have demons that do need facing alone. Obviously I don't know the answers, but I am an optimist, clearly. In the early stages I felt a little claustrophobic and that I was being pushed away because I needed space to do my own stuff. It didn't mean I didn't want to be with her.

 

I'm sure you've all heard stories or know of people who spent time apart and ended up back together one day. It can't all be gloomy surely?

 

 

I get where you're coming from man, but I too was an optimist, too many times when I was a young man. Instead of pulling the trigger and ending it, I held on and eventually watched them move onto other guys, leaving me crushed.

 

Her not wanting you to see other women during this "break", is so that you don't meet someone and move on before she does. The only problem I have with the 8 year age gap, is that she's still very young at 20 years old. IMO, she probably needs to experience life a bit more before she's able to handle a stable LTR.

 

I'm sure many of the members posting have been through this in their lives also at some point.

[OatsAndHall]

She is being genuine, within her own little world.. She has probably done the mental gymnastics and told her self that this is the best course of action, for both of you. People are rarely black and white and rational in relationships. They make decisions based on "feelings" without considering the real-world ramifications of their actions. And, then they make excuses when those consequences catch up to them.

 

My suggestion would be this: don't be a part of the consequences of her actions. I would cut ties completely and let her go "find herself". And, I wouldn't let her back into my life if she does "find herself" and come crawling back. You deserve better than to be told what YOU need to work on. That's completely unfair to pin on you. I am currently unsure about a relationship that I am in. I don't know if I want to be with my significant other anymore for a variety of reasons. Many of those reasons are simply incompatibility between the two of us. I'll be a tool: there are many things about her that I just don't like. But, I will not be pointing out what she "needs to work on" if I call it off because it's my decision to break it off and not her fault.

[joemesina]

This is similar to my case, I have a 7 year age gap, I am 31 and she is 24, and that is not a good sign definitely, I think the wise thing to do is go for a total NC, although is very hard to manage when you still love very much that person and she has gone cold.