Twisted EX trying to get me back? Conflicted.

[Lovehel]

I am 23, and have been in a relationship with him for 5 years, I also have social anxiety which has not helped the situation.

 

I met him when we were both 18, I was deeply insecure, had depression/anxiety issues, and family problems. I wanted to escape it.

 

I recently decided I had no choice but to leave a what I think was an emotionally abusive relationship ( you can give me your own opinions ) for my own sanity.

 

This came after he looked me in the eye many times throughout the years and told me he was friends with a girl that I found he was sexually pursuing behind my back for months. Anytime I question their relationship he would say I was delusional, jealous, crazy, controlling. She stayed over behind my back etc...I found explicit sexual messages about her to his friends, and to her.

 

I dealt with him saying things that would shock me for years I became numb to it and coped by letting it in one ear, out the other. I was in denial it was that bad for years, wanted to believe he was just insecure or didn't know how to deal with his emotions. I wanted to believe he was good under it all. I was always waiting for the good moments to come back and would ignore the bed, or cry until they were over, this could sometimes be weeks of me just being solitary.

 

Things he did included:

[*]Him ridiculing my sisters weight to me.

 

[*]Telling me to stop calling him unless I had something important to say, making fun of me for it.

 

[*]That he isn't going to softly talk to me like my family does, he said he is going to give the harsh realities so I grow up.

 

[*]Him saying "why don't you wear something like that" to a woman wearing a dress and heels passing us.

 

[*]Him telling me I wear way too much makeup.

[*]Him telling me if I don't get my degree, he will punch me in the face, then saying it was a joke, and giving out to me for hanging up on him.

 

[*]Him spreading rumours that I was abusive to him to his friends, when I hit him in the back once when I found out he was lying to me again. He ended up banging me on to his bed, smacking me relentlessly, terrifying the life out of me, yet his friends would look at me like I was crazy.

 

[*]Him avoiding all contact with my family, never making an effort with them, then telling me its all my fault I don't invite him over, when all he did was criticize the way my mom kept her house, so I stopped. He told his friends this to, to make me look weird.

 

[*]Anytime I was upset over his behavior and cry, he would make me out to be crazy, and told me everything I said was not true, or I was exaggerating

 

.[*]Whenever I had a problem with anything, it was stop with the drama.

 

[*]Whenever I would say something nice about myself, he would say I'm more attractive, or your not smart, I am. He always had to outdo me.

 

[*]He would always talk about how lucky I was to be with him, how smart he was, how talented he was, or else it would sometimes be these random intervals of him hating himself, and thinking he was good at nothing or ugly. Where I would then tell him no it is not true.

 

[*]He would refuse to play a game with me, saying it wouldn't be fun cause I'm not good,

 

[*]He then towards the last two years, would always say your just a woman.

 

[*]Him saying in public or private asking me if I would allow him to slap my forehead really hard just once, I allowed him to do it once thinking it was some weird joke he learnt, naively not thinking he just wanted to just smack me on my face really hard, it was humiliating, he really did put his whole force, and it stung. He got great enjoyment out of it and went "that felt so good". I felt so degraded and disgusting.

 

[*]He once told me that he wanted to smash all my teeth out cause he thought I was so stubborn and it infuriated him. I was shocked, his mom was in the next room, he had no shame.

 

[*]He would use crude language cuss all the time in front of his mom, she didn't care, I was shocked.

 

[*]With that female friend of his, he would tell me weird things that would happen when they would spend time alone, he insisted they did "for music", he would say he saw her thong, they cuddled, he said to her " you seem to really like black d*ck" which I think is a disgusting way to speak, she goes " I never tried Italian", he is half Italian. I would be thinking to myself why is he telling me this. This behavior with that woman was the demise of everything, I stopped being in denial and realized I was being blatantly taken for a ride.

 

[*]He would say I needed to loosen up, and stop acting like a princess, anytime I had a problem with anything.

 

 

It was a mixture of this, to then him saying how beautiful I was, how he wanted to take me out for dinner, taking me out to dinner, him complimenting me, him being affectionate, him being sweet, saying sweet things, saying he got me a gift, asking me to hang out, watch a movie, go for a drink, cook for me, planning a surprise,

 

What do you make of all this? I have never expressed these things that happened to anyone.

 

I lost all sense of who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed in my life. I felt worthless, I would walk around feeling humiliated about myself, paranoid that everyone could see all my flaws, and see what a joke I was. For some sick reason all I wanted to do was be with him, as if he had conditioned me. Through all this I did not have one friend. He knew I had social anxiety, he would make fun of me for having no friends, his friends would ask me if I had any single female friends they could meet, and I remember him looking at me with a look of if only they knew, you had none.

 

I was humiliated that I had no friends in my life, no hobbies, no life of my own. I would constantly get criticized for this, but I had no confidence left to care, or do anything about it. When I wasn't with him, I just wanted to be alone. He was my only social outlet.

 

I went back to college last year, was faced with the reality of having daily panic, anxiety attacks being around people. It scared the crap out of me to have to interact with people, but I did it, I realized that maybe some of my anxiety is coming from this guy I call my boyfriend. I would be talking to them, and wondering to myself what they would think if they knew how my life was. I realized I needed to make changes.

 

Since I decided I can't have that level of negativity in my life, he has called me non stop trying to communicate, he has asked me out for dinner, for a gig, is always asking to meet me. I communicated with him to see if he could be honest, not that would make a difference anyway, I said write a list of everything that happened when you brought that girl back with you show me you can be honest and stop deceiving me, he said he would only tell me in person, there was no way he was going to write it out. He told me there was no deception. I felt so angry he would deny it after I had proof he cheated. He has since told me has a gift for me, when I didn't care to respond, he then said he had two gifts for me. He is calling me all these sweet little nick names, sending cute emojis, begging to see me I felt like saying it would make me sick to see you in person, but I didn't. I guess he is trying to win me back, or manipulate me back?

 

I know him if I was to agree to meet him, he would be dressed really well, smell nice, act a gentleman, be very courteous, affectionate, sweet, nice, smiling, act interested, want to spoil me, act like he cares. This is why I am avoiding him. Realistically if it was someone who made a mistake and was genuinely sorry and wanted to make amends, I probably would meet them. This does not seem the case with him.

 

it almost feels like one part of me is egging me on saying go on meet him, whats the worst that can happen. The other part is saying stay the hell away from him, if it's the last thing you do. The fact I am conflicted is making me so frustrated?

Edited December 16, 2016 by Lovehel

[dumbass2]

I know it's not easy, but you have not listened to anyone's advice on here from your past threads. Have you tried a therapist? With everything that you * you should not want anything to do with him, but you've already been told that from people on here already. Try seeking some professional help for your issues because I think at this point, because you are conflicted with him with all that he has done, that you need to try that route.