I can't seem to get any luck with women, whether face to face or online

[Oladeji123]

So im 24 years, I'm not some great looking guy but I'm also def not ugly. I also have a slim, athletic build so i at least look decent. The sort of people that usually tell me that I'm attractive are either women over 40 or young girls, never any girl my age though. Anyway, I've never had a girlfriend and i will admit that at first, it was because i was very quiet and introverted and just would not approach girls. This has meant that I've had so many guy friends and virtually no female friends. My friends were very smooth with girls and would encourage me to be more confident. I took their approach as i got older and started talking to girls. But it never seemed to faze any girl that i approached.I would always get ignored. There have been situations where me and my friends would go out and groups of girls would approach and start talking to my friends and they would completely ignore y presence, as though i wasn't even there. It would usually make my friends feel quite awkward. Ive now decided to try online dating, but i can't even get lucky on there either. I never get any matches on tinder and nobody replies to me on POF. My friends helped me create my profile and they've managed to get girls on there so i don't know what else I'm not doing right.

[NinjaX]

Online dating has a learning curve you see.

 

 

I invested in professional photos... read a lot... got rejected a lot, then after tons of trial and error to get consistent results. I'm talking about 3 years on and off on POF, OKC, and various dating apps.

 

 

Most men go online and expect instant results. If you have a model's body, then sure, but for most men, it's a fierce competition on there.

 

[] Aside from the profile, the way you message women makes all the difference.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
requesting personal information is not allowed under any circumstances ~6

[OatsAndHall]

1. It takes awhile to understand the ins and outs of OLD. I thought it would be a convenient way to meet women but it absolutely is not. It's a wolf-in-sheep's clothing, through and through. It comes across as a medium for finding someone you're compatible with but it's nothing more than a meat-market. I have gotten messages from women that I have NOTHING in common with. Just plan on sending out dozens of messages and waiting for a reply. Second a second message to any woman that hasn't replied and you feel would be fun to date.

 

2. You're friends have it dead on: you need confidence. I had NONE when I started dating again, mainly because I was frustrated with OLD. Then, I had to remind myself how I got dates when I was younger. If I met a woman that I was interested in, I would give her my number and ask her out. The worst they could say was "no" so the hell with it. And, I got a lot of dates by doing so, simply because asking a woman out shows self-confidence. I used to frequent the same gas stations and stores weekly and would strike up a conversation with a clerk a few times and then ask them out. Or, I would run into a gal a few times within the same social circle and do the same. I used to walk up to a cute gal that I saw in a bar and say "hey, my name is ____, I'd love to buy you a drink. I'll be over there (point to the table I was at) if you're at least interested in a free ____ (whatever she was drinking)".

 

3. Again, remind yourself that the worst that can happen is they say "no". Well, I did have a woman in a bar tell me I was "creepy" when I just asked to buy her a drink. I smiled said, "fair enough" and walked away. She was over at the table twenty minutes later asking for that drink. I bought her the drink and we went out on a date two nights later. But, she was kind of a witch. I would get disgruntled at first but then I started telling myself that it was their loss. Yes, that may be an arrogant view but it helped me to continue to build that confidence.

[Patrice]

with good manners. I am not currently on OLD. When I am, I usually find 3-5 men I think I would like to get to know better - then get off. Maybe it's me, but I cannot process trying to keep 30-40 men straight. I tend to be a monogamous woman, so I prefer getting to know men more in depth, get to know them , get out on a date and not endless texting and phone calls. Then, if none of them fit the bill, I will get back on and decide again. Works for me.

 

I can pretty much summarize the two types of men, I weed out - the players (just want a hookup) or the desperate to get married ones.

[Oladeji123]

Online dating has a learning curve you see.

 

 

I invested in professional photos... read a lot... got rejected a lot, then after tons of trial and error to get consistent results. I'm talking about 3 years on and off on POF, OKC, and various dating apps.

 

 

Most men go online and expect instant results. If you have a model's body, then sure, but for most men, it's a fierce competition on there.

 

 

[] Aside from the profile, the way you message women makes all the difference.

 

[]

 

I guess the reason i was expecting instant results was because i see it from my friends and i at least thought that i should get some luck. Me and a friend of mine once got matched with the same girl but she replied to him and not me when we both sent her a message

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal information ~6

[Oladeji123]

with good manners. I am not currently on OLD. When I am, I usually find 3-5 men I think I would like to get to know better - then get off. Maybe it's me, but I cannot process trying to keep 30-40 men straight. I tend to be a monogamous woman, so I prefer getting to know men more in depth, get to know them , get out on a date and not endless texting and phone calls. Then, if none of them fit the bill, I will get back on and decide again. Works for me.

 

I can pretty much summarize the two types of men, I weed out - the players (just want a hookup) or the desperate to get married ones.

 

Maybe some of the girls i message online think i am a player...

[Oladeji123]

1. It takes awhile to understand the ins and outs of OLD. I thought it would be a convenient way to meet women but it absolutely is not. It's a wolf-in-sheep's clothing, through and through. It comes across as a medium for finding someone you're compatible with but it's nothing more than a meat-market. I have gotten messages from women that I have NOTHING in common with. Just plan on sending out dozens of messages and waiting for a reply. Second a second message to any woman that hasn't replied and you feel would be fun to date.

 

2. You're friends have it dead on: you need confidence. I had NONE when I started dating again, mainly because I was frustrated with OLD. Then, I had to remind myself how I got dates when I was younger. If I met a woman that I was interested in, I would give her my number and ask her out. The worst they could say was "no" so the hell with it. And, I got a lot of dates by doing so, simply because asking a woman out shows self-confidence. I used to frequent the same gas stations and stores weekly and would strike up a conversation with a clerk a few times and then ask them out. Or, I would run into a gal a few times within the same social circle and do the same. I used to walk up to a cute gal that I saw in a bar and say "hey, my name is ____, I'd love to buy you a drink. I'll be over there (point to the table I was at) if you're at least interested in a free ____ (whatever she was drinking)".

 

3. Again, remind yourself that the worst that can happen is they say "no". Well, I did have a woman in a bar tell me I was "creepy" when I just asked to buy her a drink. I smiled said, "fair enough" and walked away. She was over at the table twenty minutes later asking for that drink. I bought her the drink and we went out on a date two nights later. But, she was kind of a witch. I would get disgruntled at first but then I started telling myself that it was their loss. Yes, that may be an arrogant view but it helped me to continue to build that confidence.

 

I have started to gain more confidence but i think its coming off the wrong way with girls. I use a similar approach to my friends which is subtle flirting and it doesn't work in my case as I'm not the best looking guy around and i also have a reputation of being a funny guy so some girls just laugh it off as joke. i usually don't like hitting on girls out in a pub or whatnot mainly because i feel like those girls probably get guys frequently trying to get there number and i would just be another one and its not like I'm the best looking guy there so i wouldn't stand out

[NinjaX]

Online dating has a learning curve you see.

 

 

I invested in professional photos... read a lot... got rejected a lot, then after tons of trial and error to get consistent results. I'm talking about 3 years on and off on POF, OKC, and various dating apps.

 

 

Most men go online and expect instant results. If you have a model's body, then sure, but for most men, it's a fierce competition on there.

 

 

[] Aside from the profile, the way you message women makes all the difference.

 

 

First impression:

 

 

1) Too many similar headshots. It's not about quantity, but quality. I recommend a full body shot in there so women can see your body type. Mix in outdoor shots as well. It's far better to have 4-6 varied photos than a bunch of grainy similar shots.

 

 

2) "Want to date but nothing serious" will turn off a portion of women who wants relationships. If casual sex is what you want, then by all means leave it there so you're not misleading people.

 

 

3) Your written portion is weak as well. It's short... generic. Aim for more context.

 

 

Overall, it's clear that your profile is low effort. A bunch of random selfies along with a low effort written profile. As I said before, OLD is a very competitive field and you have to put more effort to get results.

 

 

Aside from the profile, I am willing to bet your messages are turning women off as well. It's a common mistake with new online daters. Low effort messages will not stand out.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal information ~6

[VeveCakes]

Online dating has a learning curve you see.

 

 

I invested in professional photos... read a lot... got rejected a lot, then after tons of trial and error to get consistent results. I'm talking about 3 years on and off on POF, OKC, and various dating apps.

 

 

Most men go online and expect instant results. If you have a model's body, then sure, but for most men, it's a fierce competition on there.

 

 

[] Aside from the profile, the way you message women makes all the difference.

 

 

Try updating with some pics of you doing something else, other than just selfies.

Edited December 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted personal information ~6

[Oladeji123]

First impression:

 

 

1) Too many similar headshots. It's not about quantity, but quality. I recommend a full body shot in there so women can see your body type. Mix in outdoor shots as well. It's far better to have 4-6 varied photos than a bunch of grainy similar shots.

 

 

2) "Want to date but nothing serious" will turn off a portion of women who wants relationships. If casual sex is what you want, then by all means leave it there so you're not misleading people.

 

 

3) Your written portion is weak as well. It's short... generic. Aim for more context.

 

 

Overall, it's clear that your profile is low effort. A bunch of random selfies along with a low effort written profile. As I said before, OLD is a very competitive field and you have to put more effort to get results.

 

 

Aside from the profile, I am willing to bet your messages are turning women off as well. It's a common mistake with new online daters. Low effort messages will not stand out.

 

The reason i put "wants to date but nothing serious is because most of my matches had that as well and I'm not really looking for a serious relationship right now but at the same time, I'm not just looking for a fling. Im just looking to meet a girl, go out on dates and see where it leads. Again, my friends told me to make my bio short as girls won't read anything long. In terms of my messages, they were quite poor and I've switched it up. So I've gotten a couple of replies, mainly because the message would be funny but girls weren't really interested in talking to me. Almost every girl that I've sent this message to ends up checking my profile but not replying

[Oladeji123]

Try updating with some pics of you doing something else, other than just selfies.

 

Im usually not a picture person so i don't have many pictures of me doing things. In fact, those selfies, i only took recently for the profile. I just don't like having my pictures taking.

[Robert]

Note from moderation: this is not a "rate my looks" or "rate my profile" site. No personal identifying information is allowed under any circumstances. Do not request it and do not post it. Thank you. ~6

[normal person]

If you do well meeting women in person, it's likely you'll do the same with OLD. If you struggle in person for some reason (don't conflate this with lack of opportunities, which is different), then you'll likely struggle with OLD too.

 

The first thing I noticed is that you harped on about your looks. There's a lot more to consider than that. Yes, it helps if you're good looking, but the older women get, the less they care and the more they desire other qualities. One thing for sure though, you absolutely need a reason for them to be curious about you, be interested in you, desire, etc. It likely won't happen just because you're a man, and you exist. You need some "bait," so to speak. Are you funny, interesting, talented, mysterious, smart, successful, etc? What is it about you that you feel women aren't noticing? Figure out a way to tastefully to display those qualities without being contrived or heavy handed. You need to do something to flip the switch in their minds from indifference to interest. You need to appeal her emotions and pique her mind's interests, not just her body's.

 

Best of luck.

[Oladeji123]

If you do well meeting women in person, it's likely you'll do the same with OLD. If you struggle in person for some reason (don't conflate this with lack of opportunities, which is different), then you'll likely struggle with OLD too.

 

The first thing I noticed is that you harped on about your looks. There's a lot more to consider than that. Yes, it helps if you're good looking, but the older women get, the less they care and the more they desire other qualities. One thing for sure though, you absolutely need a reason for them to be curious about you, be interested in you, desire, etc. It likely won't happen just because you're a man, and you exist. You need some "bait," so to speak. Are you funny, interesting, talented, mysterious, smart, successful, etc? What is it about you that you feel women aren't noticing? Figure out a way to tastefully to display those qualities without being contrived or heavy handed. You need to do something to flip the switch in their minds from indifference to interest. You need to appeal her emotions and pique her mind's interests, not just her body's.

 

Best of luck.

 

Well, when i first meet women, I'm fairly reserved and don't really show my true self to them so they may think there isn't much to me. Ive been told by people who know me that I'm a very different person from when i first meet them to once they get to know me

[thecrucible]

Well, when i first meet women, I'm fairly reserved and don't really show my true self to them so they may think there isn't much to me. Ive been told by people who know me that I'm a very different person from when i first meet them to once they get to know me

 

I think I know what some of your issues are because I'm a little shy too. I often need to warm into situations so hey I'm not going to have over the top charisma. I've accepted this fact about me now. I also know that if someone lacks appreciation for my thoughtful personality-type, then they're not worth worrying about.

 

I think it takes time to cultivate a 'devil may care' attitude and act like you don't care about their reaction to you. But if you keep telling yourself you don't care about the outcome, eventually it will work in some way. I mean this has worked for me in the past. I try and be in the moment and not project anything into what might happen. I evaluate them more than their reaction to me now. It can be easy to be self-critical but you need to know that people are worth knowing and worth pursuing.

 

With regards to online dating profiles, I think professional photos on a man's profile look good but I also like to see a few of him enjoying himself with a natural smile and with other people (it just brings some personality to the profile). I think messages are more important than the profile though unless there's something glaringly off-putting there.

[SilverLining]

I can tell you one thing - if a guy has that he isn't interested in anything serious, I am not interested in him. Some women don't want anything serious, but I would suggest that most women do. Especially when you consider that when women sleep with a man, their body emits hormones that bond them to the man...so most women are going to naturally want a relationship.

 

To me, when a man says he isn't interested in anything serious, that does not in any way suggest he might be open to it. To me, it says he 'isn't interested in anything serious'. Why would I waste my time talking to someone who just wants a casual fling with multiple women when I could devote my time and energy to someone who actually would be interested in dating and potentially becoming serious with me? Saying you are interested in dating or interested in a serious relationship doesn't mean that those things are guaranteed - only that you are open to them.

[Oladeji123]

I think I know what some of your issues are because I'm a little shy too. I often need to warm into situations so hey I'm not going to have over the top charisma. I've accepted this fact about me now. I also know that if someone lacks appreciation for my thoughtful personality-type, then they're not worth worrying about.

 

I think it takes time to cultivate a 'devil may care' attitude and act like you don't care about their reaction to you. But if you keep telling yourself you don't care about the outcome, eventually it will work in some way. I mean this has worked for me in the past. I try and be in the moment and not project anything into what might happen. I evaluate them more than their reaction to me now. It can be easy to be self-critical but you need to know that people are worth knowing and worth pursuing.

 

With regards to online dating profiles, I think professional photos on a man's profile look good but I also like to see a few of him enjoying himself with a natural smile and with other people (it just brings some personality to the profile). I think messages are more important than the profile though unless there's something glaringly off-putting there.

 

Ive slowly started cultivating the don't care attitude, but i still have a long way to go.

[normal person]

Well, when i first meet women, I'm fairly reserved and don't really show my true self to them so they may think there isn't much to me. Ive been told by people who know me that I'm a very different person from when i first meet them to once they get to know me

 

Your reservation does nothing to intrigue or impress anyone. You might as well not even be there. If you don't say or do anything of consequence, you shouldn't be surprised when no one takes an interest. Worse yet, your reservation could be interpreted as shyness. Whenever I say this, it always invites the wrath of other posters, but it's valid advice: Stop being shy. Shyness is a fear or apprehension of other people or situations. It makes you look unconfident, like you're afraid of people. And that's a horrible look for a grown man. It's not attractive. And there's a difference between strong/silent/in control, and shy/insecure.

 

If you want your luck to change, you have to appeal to a women's internal sensibilities somehow. You have to say or do things that get her interested. You have to present opinions, demonstrate your value, give them a reason to want to be around you more, etc. If you just stand there silently, you're not doing that unless you're good looking enough for her not to care. And you're right around the age where they tend to stop doing that.

[spiderowl]

It is hard to know why you are not getting responses. There could be something about your profile or pics that is deterring women. Perhaps something about your expectations of them or maybe you sound much too serious and as if you have too many rules for them.

 

Can you give us an idea of what you write on the profile? Also, are your pictures the kind that would appeal to the kind of woman you would like to date? Do you know what kind of woman you would like to date? If you are going for the fun, fashionable women, they are probably looking for similar to themselves, for example. Sporty women will be looking for a sporty guy, and so on.

 

Most women would want to be with someone who was fun and relaxed but who can show they also have a responsible side to them. Are you getting the balance right?

 

I have chatted with guys online and there are some who look really nice, are polite, kind, and I wonder why they are on their own, then when we get into messages I see. One guy was overly flowery in messages, saying I looked sweet like a rose. Yes, it is a compliment but subsequent messages were even more ethereal and almost weird. Yes, that is why he is not currently dating anyone!

 

I am not suggesting you are doing anything wrong; it is worth thinking about what kind of woman you want to attract and also what kind of guy she would be looking for. Women, like men, can be attractive but not necessarily beautiful. What matters most is that they become the person you are madly keen on seeing and want to spend your time with. Those women may not look like the most stunning women on a dating site, but if you met them in person you may find yourself captivated.

[Oladeji123]

Your reservation does nothing to intrigue or impress anyone. You might as well not even be there. If you don't say or do anything of consequence, you shouldn't be surprised when no one takes an interest. Worse yet, your reservation could be interpreted as shyness. Whenever I say this, it always invites the wrath of other posters, but it's valid advice: Stop being shy. Shyness is a fear or apprehension of other people or situations. It makes you look unconfident, like you're afraid of people. And that's a horrible look for a grown man. It's not attractive. And there's a difference between strong/silent/in control, and shy/insecure.

 

If you want your luck to change, you have to appeal to a women's internal sensibilities somehow. You have to say or do things that get her interested. You have to present opinions, demonstrate your value, give them a reason to want to be around you more, etc. If you just stand there silently, you're not doing that unless you're good looking enough for her not to care. And you're right around the age where they tend to stop doing that.

 

Well i am more on the silent, choose not to talk rather than actual shyness. And its usually because i'm not good with words when it comes to women and i usually say something that usually comes out wrong. So i tend to just stay quiet and not talk unless there's no one else around. If i do talk to a woman, and we continue to talk more that day/night then i'm usually comfortable by the end to be able to ask for their number etc. Its just that most times, i always feel that i wold come across wrongly to these girls so they may think I'm trying to hit on them or i look like creep etc

[Oladeji123]

It is hard to know why you are not getting responses. There could be something about your profile or pics that is deterring women. Perhaps something about your expectations of them or maybe you sound much too serious and as if you have too many rules for them.

 

Can you give us an idea of what you write on the profile? Also, are your pictures the kind that would appeal to the kind of woman you would like to date? Do you know what kind of woman you would like to date? If you are going for the fun, fashionable women, they are probably looking for similar to themselves, for example. Sporty women will be looking for a sporty guy, and so on.

 

Most women would want to be with someone who was fun and relaxed but who can show they also have a responsible side to them. Are you getting the balance right?

 

I have chatted with guys online and there are some who look really nice, are polite, kind, and I wonder why they are on their own, then when we get into messages I see. One guy was overly flowery in messages, saying I looked sweet like a rose. Yes, it is a compliment but subsequent messages were even more ethereal and almost weird. Yes, that is why he is not currently dating anyone!

 

I am not suggesting you are doing anything wrong; it is worth thinking about what kind of woman you want to attract and also what kind of guy she would be looking for. Women, like men, can be attractive but not necessarily beautiful. What matters most is that they become the person you are madly keen on seeing and want to spend your time with. Those women may not look like the most stunning women on a dating site, but if you met them in person you may find yourself captivated.

 

Well, i posted the link to my POF profile someone where on the first page. I know I'm most likely doing something wrong, i just don't know what. Im

[normal person]

Well i am more on the silent, choose not to talk rather than actual shyness. And its usually because i'm not good with words when it comes to women and i usually say something that usually comes out wrong. So i tend to just stay quiet and not talk unless there's no one else around.

 

In my opinion you shouldn't be talking to women much differently than you do men, so it's hard for me to see what you might say that would "come out wrong." The fact of the matter is, if you don't say anything or aren't noticeable, you're not going to make an impression. Imagine everyone is a painting. Everything they do and say adds color and shape to the image on their canvas. It makes them interesting, funny, talented, etc. But if you don't say or do anything, your canvas stays blank. Everyone has a different taste in art, some people like certain styles, subjects, etc, just like some women like men who are funny, successful, etc. If you don't say or do anything, you're not giving anyone any reason to like the painting, because there's nothing there for them to see. If you want women to like you, you have to give them something to like. It's silly to suggest they'll want to be with you just because you're male and they're female. There's got to be more than that.

 

If i do talk to a woman, and we continue to talk more that day/night then i'm usually comfortable by the end to be able to ask for their number etc. Its just that most times, i always feel that i wold come across wrongly to these girls so they may think I'm trying to hit on them or i look like creep etc

 

But you are trying to hit on them, or at least, you aspire to. If a girl talks to you for a good period of time and gives you special attention, there's a pretty good indication that she wants you to ask for her number. She'll think there's something wrong with you if you don't. It's not coming across wrongly, it's giving her what she wants and not wasting her time.

 

Best of luck.

[SilverLining]

Normal Person, I just wanted to say that I absolutely ADORE your words here. You just lit up my heart with your description of people as paintings.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There have been situations where me and my friends would go out and groups of girls would approach and start talking to my friends and they would completely ignore y presence, as though i wasn't even there. It would usually make my friends feel quite awkward.

 

That happened to me from time to time when I was younger.

 

I'd go to parties sometimes and women would ignore me but talk to my friends. The good news is that when you get older, not too much of that happens anymore.

 

In the meantime, if I could give myself advice, it'd be to always have an out. Like if you go to a party or such, and all the women are ignoring you, then bring your own car or something, so you can jet out of there and go home if it sucks. That's not always practical, but when you can.

 

Also, if it happens all the time, you probably need a new social circle. Bitches tend to stick together. I could go to a party on Friday night and have almost all women there ignore or be curt with me, and then go to another thing on Saturday night, and everybody is friendly.

 

And don't ever take it personally. A lot of people just suck.

[normal person]

Normal Person, I just wanted to say that I absolutely ADORE your words here. You just lit up my heart with your description of people as paintings.

 

Much appreciated.

 

OP, this isn't such a bad example of what I was trying to illustrate. If I had said nothing, no one would think anything of me. If I say something that someone finds insightful (or maybe if someone makes a funny remark, or a cogent point, or a nice analogy), then you can see the kind of response and emotional reactions it generates. The bottom line is you have to put something -- an opinion, a thought, a joke -- out into the world for people to react to and as a launching pad for their opinions of you. If you say nothing, you get nothing in return.

 

Best of luck.