Xmas n separated/divorced parents

[Jason3]

I've been dating my gf for 4 1/2 years. She is still not divorced. Just needs it finalized. Financial stuff is delaying it. She has an 11 year old daughter. Every Christmas morning her ex comes over to open presents and have breakfast with his daughter. It didn't bother me much until the last year or two. I'm clearly not involved in this. I understand for the daughters sake but I think after all this time it's natural to split things up. That's just the nature of divorce. I feel like it's my time to be involved. That's selfish but I come from a family of death of a mom and divorce of step mom n dad both before I was 16 so I have some background on this stuff.

I feel like my gf should be splitting up the Xmas morning to have Xmas at her moms and then go to her dads.

Should I make this an issue or am I wrong. Is there a better way to bring this up or a more mature way to view this that I'm just not seeing.?

[road]

I've been dating my gf for 4 1/2 years. She is still not divorced. Just needs it finalized. Financial stuff is delaying it. She has an 11 year old daughter. Every Christmas morning her ex comes over to open presents and have breakfast with his daughter. It didn't bother me much until the last year or two. I'm clearly not involved in this. I understand for the daughters sake but I think after all this time it's natural to split things up. That's just the nature of divorce. I feel like it's my time to be involved. That's selfish but I come from a family of death of a mom and divorce of step mom n dad both before I was 16 so I have some background on this stuff.

I feel like my gf should be splitting up the Xmas morning to have Xmas at her moms and then go to her dads.

Should I make this an issue or am I wrong. Is there a better way to bring this up or a more mature way to view this that I'm just not seeing.?

 

 

 

Grammatically some of your post does not make sense.

 

 

You should dump this GF.

 

 

Why?

 

 

Because she has baggage and YOU can not handle that.

 

 

This is why men should not date married women. She is not divorced.

 

 

This child has a dad that wants to be active in his daughter's life. There is nothing wrong with her parents making time to make Christmas morning special. You cannot handle this so again dump your GF.

 

 

This girl is not your daughter and you have no legal or moral standing to impose any parenting decisions for this child. You clearly cannot MYOB so again you need to go and find another SINGLE woman to be your GF.

 

 

Because there will never be a guarantee that the bio dad will never come back to be evolved in his child's life.

Edited December 17, 2016 by road

[Jason3]

Has nothing to do with minding my own buisness. I think it very much is my buisness. And he is very involved in her life and I never said I wanted to stop him having a relationship with her. They have a great relationship and he's a good dad. My question was should there be a time when we don't pretend everything is perfect when in reality this is a divorce.

[The_Onceler]

I don't know that there is necessarily a right or wrong in this case. For me and my ex, we plan to have separate Christmas celebrations. However, I also know of families that continue to combine things in the way that you describe.

 

To me, it seems clear: their decision to manage Christmas as a "family" pretty much trumps your wants and needs. You don't need to like it, but if you intend to remain in your current relationship, you simply need to accept it.

 

I suppose that, if 11 year old were to request a change, then there would need to be a conversation, but barring that... It seems that you, as an adult, are far better equipped to deal with the situation as it is now, than an 11 year old would be equipped to deal with whatever changes you might try to enforce.

 

Sorry - that's just my $0.02.

[impasse]

Like it or not, they will always be a family. Divorced or not, they are still a family. How they spend the holidays are entirely up to them. It's not like he's coming over for breakfast every morning now is he?

 

I know plenty of divorced couples who do Christmas and sometimes other holidays together. It's for the kids, and it's very healthy for the kids as long as everyone gets along.

[Jason3]

Ya makes sense. Again I would never put an ultimatum out there. I know it's my gf n her exs choice. Just curious how others have seen it handled or handled by themselfs.

[minimariah]

Has nothing to do with minding my own buisness. I think it very much is my buisness. And he is very involved in her life and I never said I wanted to stop him having a relationship with her. They have a great relationship and he's a good dad. My question was should there be a time when we don't pretend everything is perfect when in reality this is a divorce.

 

you're not pretending everything's perfect though; your girlfriend mantains a great relationship with her X, that's it. you've obviously had a different experience with distant relationships post-divorce and you need to realize that YOUR experience is not necessarily the RIGHT one.

 

this is ONE day in a year with just a couple of hours and i believe there is a deeper reason behind all of this; you clearly have trouble with accepting this will be your reality + you feel left out of your stepdaughter's life. you mention DESERVING to be more involved but you need to respect the boundaries set for you by your girlfriend and her ex.

 

i wouldn't rock the boat if i were you; you are wrong but you certainly have the right to feel the way you feel, as in... you can be bothered and maybe this relationship is not for you. maybe you chewed more than you can swallow with this one. talking to the girlfriend might go wrong and her respecting YOUR wishes might alarm the ex who will probably see the two of you as intruders/parental alienators.

 

again - you need to figure out WHAT is bothering you. this is ONE DAY in a whole year; why can't you suck it up for peace?

[SolG]

My daughter had just gone to college when her father and I separated. And we're not divorced either despite being separated for many years now. We have agreed to file jointly whenever either of us decides to remarry. Until then, that money is better off earning interest for us than some lawyer!

 

Our daughter made two requests of us when we broke up. That I keep my name, and that the three of us share Christmas. And we have kept to that. Quite easily as my ex and I had a mutually agreed non-acrimonious break up.

 

I firmly believe what others here have said. Marriages may end... but family is forever.

[PegNosePete]

I've been dating my gf for 4 1/2 years. She is still not divorced. Just needs it finalized. Financial stuff is delaying it.

What you wrote here does not make sense. Well, assuming you started dating her after she separated from her husband, that is!

 

It does not take 4 1/2 years to divorce under any circumstances, no matter what "financial stuff" is delaying it. It is simply not conceivable that she (or anyone) would have to wait that long if they really wanted to be divorced. If she wanted to be divorced then she could have been divorced at least 3 years ago.

 

I don't think your issue is Christmas particularly, it is the entire unresolved situation. You're basically having an affair with a married woman and you (quite understandably) feel uncomfortable with that, and with her reluctance to get divorced. There will be no nice Christmas scenario, with you both under the tree smiling at each other, while she is still married to another man. I think you need to tackle the underlying issue here.

[Miss Clavel]

Ya makes sense. Again I would never put an ultimatum out there. I know it's my gf n her exs choice. Just curious how others have seen it handled or handled by themselfs.

i feel that xmas morning is a very intimate affair, especially if, like me, you conduct it before breakfast, in your pajamas.

 

i have xmas morning with my children. he left, he can suck it up. then, around 1030am he starts calling, we bus up the mess, they get dressed and he picks them up and takes them for another round, elsewhere.

 

 

if you two live together, he should wait until you've had your moment. she's with you and her child is with her. it's your place. he's entitled to see his kid, and you're entitled to say you're not having him in your space at that hour.

 

personally i'd cheat and get up really early, bang around till i wake them and then say, "omg, i just can't wait anymore, open it, open it, open it"!!!

 

then, i'd remove myself from their presence and let them get on with it before going back and making it clear it's time for him to clear out, with or without his child.

 

find a way to start new traditions that includes you getting what you want.

 

privacy.

 

if you don't live together but you do spend the night with each other and her child accepts this, the same applies, get there first.

[MJJean]

What you wrote here does not make sense. Well, assuming you started dating her after she separated from her husband, that is!

 

It does not take 4 1/2 years to divorce under any circumstances, no matter what "financial stuff" is delaying it. It is simply not conceivable that she (or anyone) would have to wait that long if they really wanted to be divorced. If she wanted to be divorced then she could have been divorced at least 3 years ago.

 

I don't think your issue is Christmas particularly, it is the entire unresolved situation. You're basically having an affair with a married woman and you (quite understandably) feel uncomfortable with that, and with her reluctance to get divorced. There will be no nice Christmas scenario, with you both under the tree smiling at each other, while she is still married to another man. I think you need to tackle the underlying issue here.

 

Many divorces take 3-5 years depending on location and the availability of judges and lawyers. Many states require a 1 year physical separation before the papers can even be filed. After that, you're waiting on court dates that BOTH lawyers can attend. A friend of mine had more than 8 months pass between court dates simply because every time the court sent a date, one or the other lawyer was already scheduled to be in another courtroom with a different client. Add in the back and forth of financial negotiations, waiting on appointments with mediators, waiting on the refinance or sale of assets,etc.... So, yeah, 4 years happens.

 

I don't buy the "they'll always be a family" hooey. A divorce socially and legally severs any familial relationship between the couple. Once the marriage is over, the family is changed. The mother and child are a family and the father and child are a separate family. That said, how those two families get along is up to them. If they want to spend holidays together, that's their choice.

 

Personally, I would NOT be ok with an ex coming over Christmas or any other morning. I don't see any reason the child can't have Christmas morning with Mom at Mom's house and Christmas afternoon with Dad at Dad's house.

 

The question is, is this a dealbreaker for you? Can you suck it up for the next 7-8 years while the child matures or would you rather move on to a woman who has boundaries more in line with yours?