Advice on naive confused cheating wife

[JayBird]

My wife of 18 years approached me wanting to separate and needed her space and did not love me. This was 4 months after recovering from cancer. Emotionally I was devastated and she suggested we get counseling to improve things. Well, this is where it all started to fall apart. The very first session, she revealed she had lied about her intentions and suggested the counseling was to help me get over the future separation and divorce. It was clear she had no intention of doing anything to reconcile even suggested this is why spouses have affairs. Interesting and revealing comment …

 

Well it got worst. She was at home with the children for three years and I noticed that she would spend day and night on-line for 10 to 12 hours. I got very suspicious and loaded a keylogger to capture what was happening. It was worst than I thought as MSN & PalTalk chat logs and e-mails revealed she was engaged in graphic descriptions of sexual activity on-line with one particular man every day. She referred to me as warlock and hinted at meeting him. She discovered that I was recording her chat sessions and when confronted she said it was only ‘fantasy’ and the man was only a friend

 

She went back to work in Mar 2003 and vowed to end on-line activity as she would be too busy. Her job sometimes requires her to work late, but she appeared to be at the office three to four times a week out until after midnight. Then it happened … . I received a phone call one night from a woman who stated my wife was in a cheap sleazy motel engaged in sex with a man. A week later I received a letter indicating she was engaged in sex with a co-worker at the office on those late nights and also was having sex with another man at various motels. I approached her ASAP and then she revealed that she had sexual encounters with the same man she had met online. I kicked her out right away.

 

Then it got worst. She claimed she had told the man she didn’t want to have an affair anymore and wanted to stay in her marriage (yet another lie). This apparently did not go over well with the jerk, as he embarked on a campaign to harass me, her and the children. Mysterious phone calls, threats to expose this to the children that their mother was a whore and finally a letter circulated to the neighborhood got the police involved and it became ugly. During this I felt I had to stand by her side and offer support as I was unsure how far this deranged individual would go. A police investigation was initiated and in early 2004 they uncovered the whole plot which involved another woman this man had coheresed to make the phone calls and send letters. She has since been charged with criminal harassment and a restraining order has been placed against the man.

 

This has all been very difficult emotionally and stressful. After the affair was revealed she decided that it was best (her idea) to live under the same roof but she still wanted to be separated. I had only allowed her back in the house after it was clear there might be physical harm and the her deranged x-lover was stalking her. I indicated she could sleep in the basement, but she has been sleeping in my 4/5 year olds bed for the past year and a half as if it were her own bed room. Interestingly all her clothes are still in my bedroom. This is not right and I have spoken to her about this but it continues and it infuriates me to no end that she sees it as ‘right’ to sleep my sons bed night after night. It simply is morally wrong and I can’t understand why any parent would want to abuse and exploit their children in this manner.

 

My wife has lost focus, is immature and naive about life and I cannot understand why she does not see the damage that she has done or is doing especially with the children. I am being used and I have thought seriously about walking out, but I know by doing this “the law” will see this as abandoning the children and this would reduce access for sure or any chance of achieving custody. I have asked her to get serious counseling and to seek other opinions on what she is doing to help her understand that life is not to be screwed with. I have reached the end of the rope and need advice. I am sorry this is so long, but it has been a long road and I need to seek ways to improve life for my family (myself, wife and kids) and restore the joy of living.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Wow JayBird! A lot has happened over the past several years and unfortunately this will change your marriage forever as you have known it. Take care of yourself first, then your kids and then her. You won't be much help to anyone else unless you're stable. Get professional support to help you deal with the situation. She has taken a bite of the forbidden fruit and it's hard to stop. There may be many reasons as to WHY she cheats which you probably never know.

 

Think of her affairs as an ADDICTION just like someone hooked on drugs or alcohol. There is no logical reason for what she does except her craving nor can it be dealt with logically. They will lie, cheat and steal... DO ANYTHING to support their addiction. No one in their right mind would EVER put their children up as a human shield to protect themselves. (but she has and they usually do to some extent) Everyone around a person like this gets hurt and can fall victim. To better understand this she has NO CLUE what she is doing to YOU or your CHILDREN! She feels remorse (guilt) for what she has done but don't let her back in until she's straight. If you decide to let her back, set ground rules just like she was in Rehab for a drug problem.

 

I have read that the body actually produces euphoria type drug which creates intense pleasure in the brain. Has to do with human mating instincts. Most never have a clue because it feels so natural. Other studies have been documented such as "Runner's High" where the body produces a natural form of Morphine to kill the pain.

 

In a similar situation as yourself without the past medical problems with your wife. Married 16 YRS with two young kids going through hell.

[whichwayisup]

I can't add much more here, Niceguy has nailed it.

 

Do take care of you, definately seek some sort of therapy to help you cope with the feelings and rollercoaster ride you're on right now.

[izzybelle]

jaybird,

 

i'm sorry you're going through this. i hope your W is in individual counseling to deal with the cancer. while the addiction from the affair is one thing, i can tell you first hand that for her dealing with the cancer is a biggie. everyone reacts to it differently. for some couples going through a scare like that brings them closer together, for others, it forces them to take a look at their life and try to figure it all out, it's a confusing time. for you, being supportive and there for her is one thing, but depending on how she's reacted to it all, sadly, it may not be enought. and many do begin to act out, whether it's in response to the fear or the new found feeling for life, it's a hard road and i wonder if much of this has to do with her selfish behavior of late. wanting so badly to feel alive again in the face of crisis can sometimes bring out the worst. what type of cancer did she have and what types of procedures did she need to go through?

 

as a cancer survivor, i can attest to the fact that it brings up a lot of emotions that one may have a hard time dealing with on their own. in addition to the MC i strongly encourage you to encourage her to seek IC to deal with everything that has happened to her.

 

the whole affair issue is hard enough to deal with on its own, but i suspect her medical problems have had a hand in what you're now being dealt.

 

izzy

[JayBird]

Thanks for the feedback so far, I appreciate the advice so far and look forward to more over the next few days.

 

Izzy ... it was I that had cancer not my wife. I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Disease Stage II and battled through six months of chemo and rads. It as physically and mentally touch as you can imagine. In many cases this brings people together and this is what makes it even worst. To engage in a affair shortly after this was a real blow.

 

Wear yellow. Livestrong

JB

[izzybelle]

JB,

 

sorry i misunderstood. and i can see how that makes things even harder for you. my heart goes out to you and i can't imagine trying to battle the physical things you've been through and then get hit with this.

 

how did she deal with it all while you were going through treatment? my now exH didn't deal well with it at all and he and his family reacted as if i was doing something to him, what was happening to me wasn't important, it was what was happening to him as a result that hurt me beyond words. and although i'm not entirely sure he had an affair, there was definitely an emotional connection that was made with the woman he is now married to. which in some ways, i now understand. he couldn't be there for me emotionally, and in many ways, i shut down as far as my emotional connection to him. and i suppose, regardless, of which side you're on, it takes it's toll. did you feel that there were problems before it all happened or did you feel like her affair was her attempt to find support for herself while you were battling cancer? i hope that's not the case.

 

i do hope that you can make it through this. not that there's a "good" time for someone to have an affair, but having gone through the fight of your life, only to be presented with your life falling apart around you ... i just can't find the words to express how unfair that all must feel to you. and you're right, she's making it difficult legally for you to walk away but if you really feel that you're at the point where you're at the end of your rope, talk to an attorney and find out what your options are. i hope it doesn't get to that, but to live the rest of your life as you are now is unthinkable. especially since i know the stress is not good for you physically after what you've been through.

 

i do wear yellow, and pink ...

 

izzy

[Heavenlyflower9]

I agree with niceguy. Take care of yourself first, then the kids and then her. Sorry to hear about your situation.

I'm unfornately dealing with my husband's infidelity also. Thank god, that family is always there. My mother is helping me to be strong for me and my kids. And to finally think of me first.

 

Well good luck and take care!

Heavenlyflower

[JayBird]

Thanks for the advice. I have focused on taking care of ME first and I am getting more comfortable with the notion of getting a divorce and keeping the children. It has become even more clear my wife (soon X) is completely living in La La land and shows little regard to the health of her own children or the potential harm being engaged in sordid affairs will bring. In my case the harrassment that results cannot be under estimated as who knows if the jilted lover may show up again.

 

The truth is my wife is shallow and while I accept some responsibility for the demise of my marriage I cannot accept the blame for my wifes permiscuous behaviour. She is still in denial regarding her actions and justifies it because she sees the marriage as being bad and over. The truth is she does not see the truth about who she is and sad to say in the simpliest sense she is just a selfish slut. A label that she doesn't seem to understand will linger on forever unless she changes her ways and shows true remorse.