The 30 Year Old Virgin

[NJ123]

I knew I'd get called out for that joke. The truth is that once you have options, looks suddenly aren't that important when finding a partner. You're no longer trying to date the best looking person because you feel secure in who you are. So many guys want an amazingly good looking girl but it's only because they think it makes themselves look better. Now I'm much more interested in someone I don't feel like sending out of here in an Uber the next morning. Women aren't a fashion accessory or nice car. It gets to the point where the beauty of their personality shines through so much more than what you can see with your eyes. On the flip side, some of the beautiful women seem so ugly because their personality shines through in the same way.

 

How do you date women you're not that attracted to physically though? I get looks aren't everything but I don't get how it could work out with someone where they don't find them that physically attractive. I suppose it's easier for women then men to do this since they say women don't care about physical looks as much as guys do in terms of relationships.

[ZA Dater]

I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that it's not impossible to make progress and have the relationships you want. The ironic part is that now you are in thirties, its actually MUCH easier than if you were in your twenties.

 

Don't get me wrong, it's a damn rat race out there. Seriously, dating can become a second job if you get too involved. Right now, you need to figure out what your sticking points are find other guys who can help you move past them. You would be surprised at how much other guys are willing to help you if you're receptive. You also have to be okay with going out of your comfort zone but that's really no different than anything else in life.

 

If you have:

 

Social issues or suffer from ASD, guess what, there's a girl that has the same issue specifically looking for a guy like that she can relate with. If it's not that extreme and you are just shy, there's cognitive behavior techniques to help you get past it. Therapist use exposure therapy to help people get over irrational fears and it works!

 

Problems with your looks physically. This is the easiest one to overcome, no doubt. Besides the obvious ones like being overweight, etc, lets say you have a big nose. Guess what? There's a guy out there right now doing well with girls with a HUGE honker. The difference is that he didn't get caught up thinking about it. Just because you have a big nose, bald spot, crooked tooth, whatever doesn't mean that you shouldn't take care of the issues you can take care of. It's not hard to stay clean shaven, iron your clothes, find a friend who is good with fashion, etc. I iron every night before I go to bed. I taught myself how to tie ties from YouTube because my Dad never taught me. I shine my shoes, wash or replace the laces, make sure the belt matches the shoes, etc. Guys never notice, but I could accidentally wear the same shirt twice in a week and 3 different women at work will say something. Weird, but they pay attention to that kinda stuff. I keep a standing hair cut appointment (I actually trade computer services to my hairdresser and set up her customer calendar and wifi for hair cuts) As far as money, it honestly cost the same or less to dress nice if you want to do it. The girls at the mall love to show you sweet deals and help you find stuff. They're bored out of their mind anyway.

 

Sexual inexperience - After thinking about this and reading Silver Lining's post, I remember I dated a virgin for 9 months some years back. She was waiting for marriage for religious reasons. Guess what? We had just as fulfilling a relationship as any of my other partners. Man, that girl was creative. There's a billion manuals, videos, (the right kind of) porn, anonymous Internet strangers, etc that could help you with this. I've dated some acrobats and I've dated some dead fish. Surprisingly, their experience or partner count never actually correlated with how good they were at having sex.

 

Money - Man, there's a million broke chicks looking for broke guys. Not every woman is a gold digger. Actually, it's quite the opposite in some circles. A lot of girls feel more comfortable and relate better with someone on their level financially. If you actually have money, you can go therapy, hire a dating coach, have someone professionally do your OLD profile. The options are limitless really.

 

I swear, dude. If you could see me now and compare it to my senior picture, you'd laugh your a$$ off. Ugh, I was so cringe worthy back then. I'm a computer nerd, my dad isn't particularly masculine, my best friend was gay (Im straight as a board) etc. I just didn't grow up with that "alpha male" (which really isn't even a thing, we're not pack animals) influence. Never played or liked sports, none of it. I had a really bad break-up when I was younger that was probably related to my insecurity (not probably, but let me feel better) and decided I wasn't going to live like that anymore. I read books and more books, forced myself to meet people, learned from my mistakes, worked on my career and things got better. I don't have chiseled abs, I have an ironed, button up shirt. You'd be surprised at how that makes a difference.

 

Only you can decide, but I promise you that the answers are out there if you are willing to seek them. Don't get frustrated, get BETTER! I went on a million first dates, kissed a few fat girls, SO YOU DON"T HAVE TO.©

 

Thanks for this, I am glad you overcame the difficulties you faced.

 

From my perspective to be truthful my interest in relationships is waning severely. I look around much like the OP does and just find myself so far out of step with everyone else I may as well be living on Mars. I look at what I like and it never really matches up to what exactly likes me, which are people I am not interested in at all from any perspective.

 

I disagree with the bold part completely, I have been down this road before and it was nothing more than a total disaster for the simple reason being this is someone who knows me really well and yet the advice was irrelevant to me and impractical based on the person I am. The fact is again I am out of step with how guys seem to think, in my mind being a courteous nice, genuine, attentive guy should be able to garner me some interest, the reality isn't so. The reality is you need some superficial something or else you simply just fade into the background. Money is a funny thing, I have spent it but for the most part its throwing good after bad because the reality is again I am too far off what most girls actually want.

 

People say its easier, with due respect how many of those people who say that were relationship virgins in their 30s? I'd wager very few, I am all for making people feel better, its important but I am not one for sugar coating truths to try and make them more palatable.

 

The problem guys with no experience have is the perception of others, people say "oh nobody knows", that's not true because with no experience means the most basic thing of hugging a girl when she greets you comes off as awkward, the kiss on the cheek greeting comes off as awkward. Do you know how many times a girl greets a guy next to me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I get greeted with a handshake, many times that alone tells me a lot.

 

People aren't out there to help others but to merely help themselves, that's my opinion, I go against the grain on this one and actually do go out to try and build people up.

 

Sure, the OP could probably find someone but you need to ask if that person is who he actually wants? People say "oh its easy, virginity means nothing" and maybe that's true but again I ask "how many of the people who say that got to choose there first time" versus the advice they dispense "oh you must make do with this". Its like a friend who tried to set me up multiple times, great you think. Wrong because the people who he tried to set me up with he wouldn't give the time of day to but they were good enough for me!

 

My advice for the OP is this, hope for what you want and pass on what you don't.

[Standard-Fare]

@AllisWell: It sounds like you're not particularly troubled by your current situation and you have no burning desire or motivation to change it. With that attitude, I promise you things will indeed NOT change. Whether or not that's a problem — that's your call.

 

Most people would tell you that sex is something every person should experience. Most people would also tell you that sex is a necessary precursor to greater intimacy and companionship. Again, though, up to you how much to prioritize those things.

 

I do think it's great that you don't seem anxious and desperate and self-loathing about being an older virgin. But I'd warn you to not let that become a sort of numb complacency. Years slip by very quickly —*think carefully about how you would feel as a 40-year-old virgin, 50-year old, etc etc. If you don't like the thought of that, maybe you need to be more proactive in changing things.

[HereNorThere]

How do you date women you're not that attracted to physically though? I get looks aren't everything but I don't get how it could work out with someone where they don't find them that physically attractive. I suppose it's easier for women then men to do this since they say women don't care about physical looks as much as guys do in terms of relationships.

 

I don't date people I don't find attractive, that's ridiculous. I'm saying that beauty is more than skin deep and attraction is more than physical beauty.

 

Here's the best way to think about it. You ever see some super hot girl dating a regular guy and think "that doesn't make sense?" It's not because the guy is super rich and she doesn't have self-esteem issues or anything like that. She doesn't base her self worth on the looks of her dates. She doesn't need your approval to date him. She knows you know she's attractive. The glimmer in your eyes, the stutter in your voice, gives you away. A woman like that doesn't need anyone else's validation or at least not yours. That allows her to be truly objective in who she dates. She can pick from a complete menu of traits with physical looks only being one of them.

 

Women care about physical looks, trust me, I have the receipts to prove it. The difference is they look at the complete package. They know that someone becomes more attractive when they stimulate your mind as well as your body. My best experiences were with people who are unconventionally attractive. They could be the thirty year old, bleached blonde, fake tanned, big sunglasses, Prada pursed girl that looks like her outfit came off a Forever 21 mannequin but they prefer to be the mousy, sexy, hot librarian girl because that's who they really are. Man, those are HOTTEST women.

[HereNorThere]

Thanks for this, I am glad you overcame the difficulties you faced.

 

From my perspective to be truthful my interest in relationships is waning severely. I look around much like the OP does and just find myself so far out of step with everyone else I may as well be living on Mars. I look at what I like and it never really matches up to what exactly likes me, which are people I am not interested in at all from any perspective.

 

I disagree with the bold part completely, I have been down this road before and it was nothing more than a total disaster for the simple reason being this is someone who knows me really well and yet the advice was irrelevant to me and impractical based on the person I am. The fact is again I am out of step with how guys seem to think, in my mind being a courteous nice, genuine, attentive guy should be able to garner me some interest, the reality isn't so. The reality is you need some superficial something or else you simply just fade into the background. Money is a funny thing, I have spent it but for the most part its throwing good after bad because the reality is again I am too far off what most girls actually want.

 

People say its easier, with due respect how many of those people who say that were relationship virgins in their 30s? I'd wager very few, I am all for making people feel better, its important but I am not one for sugar coating truths to try and make them more palatable.

 

The problem guys with no experience have is the perception of others, people say "oh nobody knows", that's not true because with no experience means the most basic thing of hugging a girl when she greets you comes off as awkward, the kiss on the cheek greeting comes off as awkward. Do you know how many times a girl greets a guy next to me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I get greeted with a handshake, many times that alone tells me a lot.

 

People aren't out there to help others but to merely help themselves, that's my opinion, I go against the grain on this one and actually do go out to try and build people up.

 

Sure, the OP could probably find someone but you need to ask if that person is who he actually wants? People say "oh its easy, virginity means nothing" and maybe that's true but again I ask "how many of the people who say that got to choose there first time" versus the advice they dispense "oh you must make do with this". Its like a friend who tried to set me up multiple times, great you think. Wrong because the people who he tried to set me up with he wouldn't give the time of day to but they were good enough for me!

 

My advice for the OP is this, hope for what you want and pass on what you don't.

 

This is just a garbage bag of limiting beliefs and cognitive distortions.

 

I see some of your issues here but there's a lot and I took a bunch of Xanax earlier, so forgive me if I don't make it through them all. Im fact, PM me tomorrow and we can talk privately. If you're serious about this, I can provide you with some e-books and Amazon links of books you need to read. We can also dig a little deeper on your personal issues.

 

You say in there's stuff about how you're nice and courteous, but do I not sound nice and courteous? Go back and read some of post from tonight. Dude, I'm trying to help a stranger a world away have better relationships. I'm literally the nicest guy in your life right now. I'm 100% advocating being nice and courteous.

 

Okay, before I pass out, here's some homework - You're nice so this shouldn't be hard for you. For the next week or two, I want you to attempt to treat EVERYONE the same. Treat the homeless guy at the bus stop the same way you would the hottest girl in the room. Attempt conversations with people you would normally have no desire to approach. No one person gets more attention or privileges than another. Treat beautiful women the same way you would a computer nerd friend. You'll soon realize your niceness has an agenda. Your niceness has strings attached. When you can treat the homeless guy, the less attractive girl and the most attractive girl the exact same, you'll reach a point of enlightenment. You'll realize we're all the same and you've been blinded by the illusion of beauty. It's not real, your brain just tricks you into thinking it is. Her breath stinks in the morning just like yours. Although it's not quite as bad when she's laying next you.

Edited December 20, 2016 by HereNorThere

[NJ123]

I don't date people I don't find attractive, that's ridiculous. I'm saying that beauty is more than skin deep and attraction is more than physical beauty.

 

Here's the best way to think about it. You ever see some super hot girl dating a regular guy and think "that doesn't make sense?" It's not because the guy is super rich and she doesn't have self-esteem issues or anything like that. She doesn't base her self worth on the looks of her dates. She doesn't need your approval to date him. She knows you know she's attractive. The glimmer in your eyes, the stutter in your voice, gives you away. A woman like that doesn't need anyone else's validation or at least not yours. That allows her to be truly objective in who she dates. She can pick from a complete menu of traits with physical looks only being one of them.

 

Women care about physical looks, trust me, I have the receipts to prove it. The difference is they look at the complete package. They know that someone becomes more attractive when they stimulate your mind as well as your body. My best experiences were with people who are unconventionally attractive. They could be the thirty year old, bleached blonde, fake tanned, big sunglasses, Prada pursed girl that looks like her outfit came off a Forever 21 mannequin but they prefer to be the mousy, sexy, hot librarian girl because that's who they really are. Man, those are HOTTEST women.

 

So basically physical looks do matter at the end of the day then regardless of anything else. Even if a woman has the most amazing personality yet someone doesn't like the way they physically look they usually end up being friendzoned by the guy I would imagine. And of course women care about physical looks it's just women aren't just drawn by that, as you said they want the full package. Most guys I imagine would know within seconds of looking at a woman whether they would potentially want a romantic relationship with them or not just by their physical attraction towards them. Women it seems tend to be able to gain attraction through a guys personality than just physical looks.

[JuneJulySeptember]

How do you date women you're not that attracted to physically though? I get looks aren't everything but I don't get how it could work out with someone where they don't find them that physically attractive. I suppose it's easier for women then men to do this since they say women don't care about physical looks as much as guys do in terms of relationships.

 

You can program yourself against the grain.

 

What is physical looks? Do you know what the difference between a beautiful person and an unattractive person is? For the most part, it's the difference of centimeters or even millimeters in facial features: nose bridges, eye socket depth, facial symmetry, etc. Some people kill themselves because of this difference of millimeters.

 

As human beings, we are capable of amazing things. Propelling ourselves into outer space, creating beautiful music and amazing structures that span massive bodies of water, and amazing displays of compassion, and yet, small differences in facial features control so much of a person's life.

 

Anyway ... food for thought.

[HereNorThere]

So basically physical looks do matter at the end of the day then regardless of anything else. Even if a woman has the most amazing personality yet someone doesn't like the way they physically look they usually end up being friendzoned by the guy I would imagine. And of course women care about physical looks it's just women aren't just drawn by that, as you said they want the full package. Most guys I imagine would know within seconds of looking at a woman whether they would potentially want a romantic relationship with them or not just by their physical attraction towards them. Women it seems tend to be able to gain attraction through a guys personality than just physical looks.

 

Physical looks matter, but that's awesome because they are the easiest part to change. A few simple tweaks in your lifestyle make a huge difference in your outward appearance. You don't need to be a model, just polished up enough to not embarrass your partner at their company's Christmas dinner. I'm not traditionally good looking. Channing Tatum I am not. I shine though because there's thought and effort put into how I look.

 

Guys can't fall in love from physical attraction alone. That's not love, that's infatuation and lust. It's a form of limerence, not long term attachment. There's a new post here every five minutes from someone who fell victim to this fickle, short-lived obsessive state. That magic wears thin pretty quick and experienced people realize this. That's why so many women you meet appear guarded while simultaneously longing for commitment.

 

Friend-zoning is more about the vibe you put out. If you are sexual, unapologetically so, you still get rejected sometimes, but you have more of a chance to find someone receptive because they know what you're looking for you. The friend zone is exploitive because you don't want to be friends. If I like someone romantically and they don't feel the same way, I walk. Attraction isn't a choice and I know there's no convincing someone to feel something they don't feel. No love lost and we both leave with clean hands.

 

The road to friendship is paved with dinners and gifts. Write that down.

[ZA Dater]

The friend zone is exploitive because you don't want to be friends. If I like someone romantically and they don't feel the same way, I walk. Attraction isn't a choice and I know there's no convincing someone to feel something they don't feel. No love lost and we both leave with clean hands.

 

The road to friendship is paved with dinners and gifts. Write that down.

 

I don't really agree, speaking generally having a friend is far better than being alone. You could end up walking away from a really nice person who can enrich your life in other ways.

[HereNorThere]

I don't really agree, speaking generally having a friend is far better than being alone. You could end up walking away from a really nice person who can enrich your life in other ways.

 

Nah, generally speaking, this usually ends up being what I refer to as an unbalanced relationship. There's no authenticity because one person has power over the other. You never truly know if they're treating you well because they're your friend or they want something from you. In the dating world, these types of friends are referred to as "orbiters." They aren't you're friends, they're hungry wolves sniffing for weakness.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is possible. I'm just a control freak and do not like having that hanging over my head.

[ZA Dater]

This is just a garbage bag of limiting beliefs and cognitive distortions.

 

I see some of your issues here but there's a lot and I took a bunch of Xanax earlier, so forgive me if I don't make it through them all. Im fact, PM me tomorrow and we can talk privately. If you're serious about this, I can provide you with some e-books and Amazon links of books you need to read. We can also dig a little deeper on your personal issues.

 

You say in there's stuff about how you're nice and courteous, but do I not sound nice and courteous? Go back and read some of post from tonight. Dude, I'm trying to help a stranger a world away have better relationships. I'm literally the nicest guy in your life right now. I'm 100% advocating being nice and courteous.

 

Okay, before I pass out, here's some homework - You're nice so this shouldn't be hard for you. For the next week or two, I want you to attempt to treat EVERYONE the same. Treat the homeless guy at the bus stop the same way you would the hottest girl in the room. Attempt conversations with people you would normally have no desire to approach. No one person gets more attention or privileges than another. Treat beautiful women the same way you would a computer nerd friend. You'll soon realize your niceness has an agenda. Your niceness has strings attached. When you can treat the homeless guy, the less attractive girl and the most attractive girl the exact same, you'll reach a point of enlightenment. You'll realize we're all the same and you've been blinded by the illusion of beauty. It's not real, your brain just tricks you into thinking it is. Her breath stinks in the morning just like yours. Although it's not quite as bad when she's laying next you.

 

They cant be distortions when that is the reality for me. I make a point of doing what you suggested always, that's just part of me and the way I am, that being universally nice.

 

In terms of conversations, I talk to people I have common interest with or who talk to me. My interactions with people are fairly limited because there is no common ground.

 

Sure everyone is the same, I just like some a heck of a lot more than others or should I say most others.

 

The lack of success does blight people I firmly believe that, as time goes on it becomes more and more difficult to actually chase what you want, why when you just get a kick in the teeth, why when you cannot even get friend zoned to any degree.

 

I can relate to the OP and I do believe like you say there are reasons for a lack of success but equally I also believe its not all the doing of the unsuccessful. Society at large has questions to answer as to the way people who don't walk in time are shunned.

 

Over time we meet people and you draw a conclusion as to what you like and what you don't, for me its always been someone who combines intellect with physical attractiveness which for me is never attainable, the guys who get those ladies all drop $ on the table and it becomes a "who can spend more, who has a better this and who has a better that". Maybe its the company I keep but my reality is that, if you are beautiful you can pick whichever guy you want. As I guy you just hope she picks you.

 

Everyone's reality is different, for better of for worse the above is what I have seen many, many times.

[ZA Dater]

Nah, generally speaking, this usually ends up being what I refer to as an unbalanced relationship. There's no authenticity because one person has power over the other. You never truly know if they're treating you well because they're your friend or they want something from you. In the dating world, these types of friends are referred to as "orbiters." They aren't you're friends, they're hungry wolves sniffing for weakness.

 

Don't get me wrong, it is possible. I'm just a control freak and do not like having that hanging over my head.

 

Probably true and I do wonder the bold from time to time but then I know a bit of something nice is a lot better than nothing at all.

 

When I think of the question of experience I would guess being shy is why most people don't get any.

[HereNorThere]

It's 6:26 am here. I passed out last night talking to you guys and fell behind on my ironing and my white shoes are wrecked from the snow. So in this next hour and half, I:

 

Need to do 50 push-ups. Not buff, but anything helps.

 

Pull the laces out of those shoes, rinse them, throw them in the dryer, wipe off shoes. Not going to waste time polishing them because it's nasty outside.

 

Still need to finishing ironing. Pants done, still deciding on a button up.

 

Have a box of 100 razors I bought in bulk off of Amazon. Gotta keep this baby face looking fresh.

 

Have my 3 week hair cut appointment on the Google calendar today apparently. I thought it was feeling kinda shaggy.

 

Tell me, what are you doing to improve? Don't answer, it's rhetorical. I could just as easily throw on something wrinkled, skip shaving, put off the hair cut, no push-ups and slept another hour. No one gives you in anything in this world. I go out and get mine! Ttyl.

Edited December 20, 2016 by HereNorThere

[ZA Dater]

Tell me, what are you doing to improve? Don't answer, it's rhetorical. I could just as easily throw on something wrinkled, skip shaving, put off the hair cut, no push-ups and slept another hour. No one gives you in anything in this world. I go out and get mine! Ttyl.

 

1: Last year went for a makeover, new style, no clothes

2: Decided to be more confident or project more confidence.

3: Tried to be more outgoing

4: Tried to be less shy and awkward.

 

Good luck to you, some of us aren't as lucky, perhaps we have other things though.

[HereNorThere]

1: Last year went for a makeover, new style, no clothes

2: Decided to be more confident or project more confidence.

3: Tried to be more outgoing

4: Tried to be less shy and awkward.

 

Good luck to you, some of us aren't as lucky, perhaps we have other things though.

 

Luck is for gamblers. You tried and I kept at it.

 

You don't decide to become more confident. Confidence comes with success. You fake it until you succeed.

 

Outgoing is easy if you treat everyone the same. Try my exercise and see if that helps. If not, I hear improve comedy classes or cbt therapy helps.

 

Shy and awkward just means you're overthinking it. Anxiety is created when look in the past or too far in the future. Live in the present, embrace the power of now. Don't think about what you did before, don't worry about what's going to happen in the future. What can you do RIGHT NOW?

 

Me, I've got wet hair and shoes to clean. So RIGHT NOW, I continue the routine. I do it for my fans, yo. They're my real inspiration.

[ZA Dater]

What can you do RIGHT NOW?

 

Ignore it and focus on work and other things which I enjoy doing.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You fake it until you succeed.

 

Poor advice, why fake it and not just be yourself? I fake nothing when getting to know a woman.

[normal person]

Poor advice, why fake it and not just be yourself?

 

Lots of people subscribe to the "fake it until you make it" mantra once they realize that "being yourself" is a poor tactic if the person you are is inherently unappealing.

 

I fake nothing when getting to know a woman.

 

If that works for you, good. If it doesn't, then you can see why some people would consider the above.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Lots of people subscribe to the "fake it until you make it" mantra once they realize that "being yourself" is a poor tactic if the person you are is inherently unappealing.

 

I'm not "lot's of people", and there are lots of people that don't either.

 

It's really a generalization and an opinion to consider "being yourself" a "poor tactic"

 

It depends on who you ask.

 

If that works for you, good. If it doesn't, then you can see why some people would consider the above.

 

It has worked for me, but it would take a unique person to latch on and become a good match for that person. It's not like I have multiple dates per weekend lined up...but...all it takes is one though to stick around and find you appealing by being yourself.

[ZA Dater]

Lots of people subscribe to the "fake it until you make it" mantra once they realize that "being yourself" is a poor tactic if the person you are is inherently unappealing.

 

 

 

If that works for you, good. If it doesn't, then you can see why some people would consider the above.

 

One of the saddest posts I have read in a while. Indicative of what society has become.

[GunslingerRoland]

Lots of people subscribe to the "fake it until you make it" mantra once they realize that "being yourself" is a poor tactic if the person you are is inherently unappealing.

 

 

I'd personally prefer the tactic, of trying to become a better person. And pushing yourself as the better person that you are becoming rather than the unappealing person that you were.

 

"Fake it until you make it", you may call that but it's not about pretending to be something that you aren't.

[normal person]

I'd personally prefer the tactic, of trying to become a better person. And pushing yourself as the better person that you are becoming rather than the unappealing person that you were.

 

"Fake it until you make it", you may call that but it's not about pretending to be something that you aren't.

 

I agree with you, but in a way, "faking it 'til you make it" is a way of becoming better in its own right. There's no reason a person couldn't do both continuously.

 

I've also seen people do so out of necessity. I used to date a really cool girl, aspiring author, was very far from being materialistic or "basic" and she told me when she first moved to NYC she had a job in one of those ritzy luxury designer stores on 5th Avenue. I expressed my surprise that someone like her would ever work at a place like that and she gave the "fake it 'til you make it" explanation.

 

It's not for me, or everyone, but for some people it might do the trick, I guess.

[HereNorThere]

Fake it until you make it is literally the way every successful person has eventually succeeded.

 

Let's take dating off the table for a second. For this example, I will use my career. Like most nerds, I've always been good at computers. However, surfing the web and upgrading your video card isn't the same as being an Information Systems Specialist that specializes in security in enterprise environments. Even after a receiving a degree and certifications, I still had no idea what I was doing. What I did have was the drive to get better and not waste my time and money I spent for them. Schooling doesn't teach you the importance of corporate hierarchy, proper documentation and ticketing, working on a team of people with different personalities, accepting decisions you don't agree with from management, having an investigator stick a rubber glove up your ass to pass your background checks for security clearances, the importance of researching the constant flow of security exploits and updates, applying those updates to thousands of computers at once while making sure your users are still able to work, etc. etc. etc.

 

So I faked it. If I had to configure a network appliance I was unfamiliar with, I accepted the challenge, fired up "the Google," instant messenged my colleagues, brought them in to help or consult with me, everything I could do until I no longer had to fake it. Then I remembered to give back to those people and resources by documenting what I learned and helping other people. Eventually I started teaching classes on the very things I had to fake my ability to do in the beginning.

 

Fake it to you make it is a cute saying but the word fake sounds disingenuous. It's more about believing in yourself until you've internalized the the things you've learned and they become part of you. I used to be scared to death of the amount of responsibility entrusted with me at my job. I felt like a fraud because I knew I was in over my head. I had two choices, sink or swim. I chose to swim and now I teach swimming lessons.

 

You are not a prisoner of who you are. We are allowed to grow and get better. It's like jumping into a pool, cold for the first couple of seconds and then the shock wears off. I was shaking like a crack head on my first online date. Now I recognize nervousness in others and immediately put them at ease so we can have fun. I wouldn't know how to do that if I hadn't been in their shoes at one time. Empathy is a beautiful thing.

Edited December 23, 2016 by HereNorThere

[LordVader]

never had a GF and its really really driving me more insane as I got closer to 40. All those younger girls that are off limits, and plus I'm just so clueless and all girls near my age will be more and more freaked out by some old loser.

 

A lot of hatred of everyone is creeping, and towards myself more and more.

 

This christmas seeing a handful of cute girls when I went out in public, I wanted to look at them so bad, but I also knew it would make me so so depressed on the way home and later. But what does that mean, I might as well live alone in the mountains.

 

The only women I've seen all year really are old ladies or old fat unattractive old mothers that work at stores.

[ZA Dater]

wanted to look at them so bad, but I also knew it would make me so so depressed on the way home and later.

 

I can relate to that.