The 30 Year Old Virgin

[WitlessFool]

Fake it until you make it is literally the way every successful person has eventually succeeded.

 

Let's take dating off the table for a second. For this example, I will use my career. Like most nerds, I've always been good at computers. However, surfing the web and upgrading your video card isn't the same as being an Information Systems Specialist that specializes in security in enterprise environments. Even after a receiving a degree and certifications, I still had no idea what I was doing. What I did have was the drive to get better and not waste my time and money I spent for them. Schooling doesn't teach you the importance of corporate hierarchy, proper documentation and ticketing, working on a team of people with different personalities, accepting decisions you don't agree with from management, having an investigator stick a rubber glove up your ass to pass your background checks for security clearances, the importance of researching the constant flow of security exploits and updates, applying those updates to thousands of computers at once while making sure your users are still able to work, etc. etc. etc.

 

So I faked it. If I had to configure a network appliance I was unfamiliar with, I accepted the challenge, fired up "the Google," instant messenged my colleagues, brought them in to help or consult with me, everything I could do until I no longer had to fake it. Then I remembered to give back to those people and resources by documenting what I learned and helping other people. Eventually I started teaching classes on the very things I had to fake my ability to do in the beginning.

 

Fake it to you make it is a cute saying but the word fake sounds disingenuous. It's more about believing in yourself until you've internalized the the things you've learned and they become part of you. I used to be scared to death of the amount of responsibility entrusted with me at my job. I felt like a fraud because I knew I was in over my head. I had two choices, sink or swim. I chose to swim and now I teach swimming lessons.

 

You are not a prisoner of who you are. We are allowed to grow and get better. It's like jumping into a pool, cold for the first couple of seconds and then the shock wears off. I was shaking like a crack head on my first online date. Now I recognize nervousness in others and immediately put them at ease so we can have fun. I wouldn't know how to do that if I hadn't been in their shoes at one time. Empathy is a beautiful thing.

 

I totally agree with you. Faking it can be a great tool to improving yourself, especially if you have low confidence. I've seen it work.

[Sweetfish]

My fellow introvert.

 

From my perspective to be truthful my interest in relationships is waning severely. I look around much like the OP does and just find myself so far out of step with everyone else I may as well be living on Mars. I look at what I like and it never really matches up to what exactly likes me, which are people I am not interested in at all from any perspective.

You never really exactly say what is it that makes you to appear to live on Mars. I mean are you a stamp collector or build elaborate train models? Women and men usually don't have the same interest and only a few interest actually overlap and sometimes they do. There are plenty boys with toys and females with shoes and hand bags and they live happily ever after.

 

The fact is again I am out of step with how guys seem to think, in my mind being a courteous nice, genuine, attentive guy should be able to garner me some interest, the reality isn't so. The reality is you need some superficial something or else you simply just fade into the background. Money is a funny thing, I have spent it but for the most part its throwing good after bad because the reality is again I am too far off what most girls actually want.

You have all the attributes of a man who is very close to his mother more than his father. These men project the way they treat their mother directly on to women and this creates a paradox. (sorry its the only word I could think of)

 

Did you ever watch Back to the Future. Marty goes back in time and his mother is literally a horn dog. Have you seen the movies "Bridesmaid" a bunch of emotionally charged women fighting with each other.These are times in Hollywood that you get a little glimpse of the Matrix. That women are not the flowers you perceive them to be.. even the ones that looks like roses and tulips.

 

The real question is why are your courting, attentive, and nice to women?

and you will backfire with "im the same way to men as well."

 

The paradox you live is nobody like nice. I am highly self aware and I will do "test" as I have an interest in psychology for years. I worked in sales for a couples years and observed the interaction of my self and other sales associates. Being kind, attentive, and courteous is like asking for a hamburger with just cheese and lettuce. Its generic and easily obtainable. Its your unique quality that sets you apart from others and it is the adhesive to building a relationship between men and women. The people I helped wouldn't remember my name or how I looked. When your a a--hole they remember your name, but they tend to not like you. When your sharp and interact with people and relate... that's when you hit the G-spot.

 

People say its easier, with due respect how many of those people who say that were relationship virgins in their 30s? I'd wager very few, I am all for making people feel better, its important but I am not one for sugar coating truths to try and make them more palatable.

Why don't you just take age out of the equation? Stop worry about the age because its just another anchor on the problem. I have a feeling you felt the same way in your 20's.

 

The problem guys with no experience have is the perception of others, people say "oh nobody knows", that's not true because with no experience means the most basic thing of hugging a girl when she greets you comes off as awkward, the kiss on the cheek greeting comes off as awkward. Do you know how many times a girl greets a guy next to me with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and I get greeted with a handshake, many times that alone tells me a lot.

No that tells me a lot. You created your unique personality around your environment. People are extractors. When they need a favor they come to you. When they want to party they call up Bob. When they want to cuddle they go to their boyfriends.

 

This is reality. You can't simply reverse these attributes around your friends or co-workers without consequence.

 

People aren't out there to help others but to merely help themselves, that's my opinion, I go against the grain on this one and actually do go out to try and build people up.

This is absolute false. You helped others and have not profit from helping others. This is why you are here. In the context of all these statements you made, it boils down to "look at all the things I've done for everyone and I haven't got laid."

 

Who have you built up? Where is your claim to fame? Who is helping you?

No one! All this energy helping others because it makes you feel good is going against YOUR grain.

 

You are no different than the people helping them selves. Your just doing it in a different way via helping others for self gratification. Your simply helping your self and this is the Toll your paying.

 

This is the fog you live in.

 

and here is a fun fact. A lot of people throw around the word BPD a lot because its a like superstar disorder. I would suggest you look up SPD (Schizoid personality disorder) Not saying you have it.. but I would look up those traits and see if you follow that path of the cluster A type personalities.

 

Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) ? Out of the FOG

 

 

I know I come across as an A- Hole, but like you said you don't like sugar coating right?

Edited December 26, 2016 by Sweetfish

[ZA Dater]

My fellow introvert.

 

You never really exactly say what is it that makes you to appear to live on Mars. I mean are you a stamp collector or build elaborate train models? Women and men usually don't have the same interest and only a few interest actually overlap and sometimes they do. There are plenty boys with toys and females with shoes and hand bags and they live happily ever after.

 

You have all the attributes of a man who is very close to his mother more than his father. These men project the way they treat their mother directly on to women and this creates a paradox. (sorry its the only word I could think of)

 

Did you ever watch Back to the Future. Marty goes back in time and his mother is literally a horn dog. Have you seen the movies "Bridesmaid" a bunch of emotionally charged women fighting with each other.These are times in Hollywood that you get a little glimpse of the Matrix. That women are not the flowers you perceive them to be.. even the ones that looks like roses and tulips.

 

The real question is why are your courting, attentive, and nice to women?

and you will backfire with "im the same way to men as well."

 

The paradox you live is nobody like nice. I am highly self aware and I will do "test" as I have an interest in psychology for years. I worked in sales for a couples years and observed the interaction of my self and other sales associates. Being kind, attentive, and courteous is like asking for a hamburger with just cheese and lettuce. Its generic and easily obtainable. Its your unique quality that sets you apart from others and it is the adhesive to building a relationship between men and women. The people I helped wouldn't remember my name or how I looked. When your a a--hole they remember your name, but they tend to not like you. When your sharp and interact with people and relate... that's when you hit the G-spot.

 

Why don't you just take age out of the equation? Stop worry about the age because its just another anchor on the problem. I have a feeling you felt the same way in your 20's.

 

No that tells me a lot. You created your unique personality around your environment. People are extractors. When they need a favor they come to you. When they want to party they call up Bob. When they want to cuddle they go to their boyfriends.

 

This is reality. You can't simply reverse these attributes around your friends or co-workers without consequence.

 

This is absolute false. You helped others and have not profit from helping others. This is why you are here. In the context of all these statements you made, it boils down to "look at all the things I've done for everyone and I haven't got laid."

 

Who have you built up? Where is your claim to fame? Who is helping you?

No one! All this energy helping others because it makes you feel good is going against YOUR grain.

 

You are no different than the people helping them selves. Your just doing it in a different way via helping others for self gratification. Your simply helping your self and this is the Toll your paying.

 

This is the fog you live in.

 

and here is a fun fact. A lot of people throw around the word BPD a lot because its a like superstar disorder. I would suggest you look up SPD (Schizoid personality disorder) Not saying you have it.. but I would look up those traits and see if you follow that path of the cluster A type personalities.

 

Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) ? Out of the FOG

 

 

I know I come across as an A- Hole, but like you said you don't like sugar coating right?

 

Fairly sure I don't have that after reading through, the level of empathy I have for others fairly rules that out.

 

 

It is true when people need something they call me up which is fine because I am happy to help and no I don't get anything out of it but at least I can contribute positively. I have never been very close to my mother at all.

 

 

I believe for the most part a lack of success is due to shyness, choices I made which I cant reverse and a general inability to connect with ladies at all. I am quite happy to talk to guys, common interests but when I take those interests to dates it just falls apart.

 

 

Furthermore I think a lack of success really destroys any self worth, more so when this persists for years.

 

 

I actually think there are a lot of nice people in the world, I am lucky enough to know a few.

 

 

In terms of unique qualities I don't think I have any to be totally honest. As an exercise I once tried to think if I would date me and the conclusion is no I wouldn't because I am not trendy enough, not experienced enough and there is nothing really fantastic about me at all, there is too much work in everything.

 

 

That's just the sad answer to the problem.

[Sweetfish]

Fairly sure I don't have that after reading through, the level of empathy I have for others fairly rules that out.

 

 

It is true when people need something they call me up which is fine because I am happy to help and no I don't get anything out of it but at least I can contribute positively. I have never been very close to my mother at all.

 

 

I believe for the most part a lack of success is due to shyness, choices I made which I cant reverse and a general inability to connect with ladies at all. I am quite happy to talk to guys, common interests but when I take those interests to dates it just falls apart.

 

 

Furthermore I think a lack of success really destroys any self worth, more so when this persists for years.

 

 

I actually think there are a lot of nice people in the world, I am lucky enough to know a few.

 

 

In terms of unique qualities I don't think I have any to be totally honest. As an exercise I once tried to think if I would date me and the conclusion is no I wouldn't because I am not trendy enough, not experienced enough and there is nothing really fantastic about me at all, there is too much work in everything.

 

 

That's just the sad answer to the problem.

 

 

So now you've found the answer and its shyness?

 

Btw. being disconnected to the mother can also create this shyness or some other events that happen in your life.

 

I thinking your back peddling. I called you out on your always helping people and supporting people and now your just shy and lack success?

If you lack success what are you doing taking the time to help other people?

[ZA Dater]

So now you've found the answer and its shyness?

 

Btw. being disconnected to the mother can also create this shyness or some other events that happen in your life.

 

I thinking your back peddling. I called you out on your always helping people and supporting people and now your just shy and lack success?

If you lack success what are you doing taking the time to help other people?

 

Despite a lack of dating success I have managed to achieve some success in other spheres of life, you could say I beat the odds in some respects. If anyone can motivate people to pick themselves up and look to improve its me. I am just useless at dating.