Recently realized my friendship was an EA

[sassyunicorn]

I know it sounds stupid and contrived, but I honestly never meant to end up in an actual full blown EA.

Trying to make a really long story shorter, I dated a guy over 20 years ago. We broke up due to life and timing. We remained distant friends with minimal contact and a huge sexual chemistry through that time. We came close to a physical affair a few times, but thankfully never went there. We're both married and love our spouses and don't want that to change. Forward to this summer when we started talking more, just out of friendship. It started out being perfect. We've known each other for so long and know the personalities, backstories, it was the ideal friendship/support...But suddenly we started talking every day and many times multiple times daily. We both have a lot of heavy stuff going on in life and need the emotional bond without adding stress on our spouses. A dear friend pointed out that a lot of our conversations were more than just friendship and I did realize that we're basically stuck in an EA.

We've had very limited contact for the past few weeks due to him having surgery, but we're both miserable at that because unfortunately I don't think there's a way to keep my best friend and not have the depth of emotion that leads to the EA...

No, my feelings for my husband have not changed at all. If anything, I do give him more support and try to be a better wife. I encourage OM to do the same and he's bonding and falling in love again with his wife also....so WHY do I still feel like we're rooted in the EA? What exactly is going on?

[Chica80]

I think you need to ask yourself: Would your husband be ok with the amount of time you talk to this friend?

Would you be ok if your husband had a friend like the one you have.

Would you be ok saying the things you say in front of your husband. If the answer is yes. Then not a problem, but tricky.

 

If the answer is no, then you're in trouble. You already said there is sexual chemistry. That's getting dangerous.

 

Sure in the beginning maybe you are more loving to your spouse, its out of guilt, like overcompensation probably.

Not to make generalizations, but men can be very good at compartmentalizing. Each person in their own box and role. Wife role, AP role. These things reserved for wife, these things reserved for GF. So yes it could be making his marriage better because now he is getting all his needs met. Which in your case would be emotional.

 

Some woman can compartmentalize. But not many. So in the beginning you may still be loving to your husband, but over time you will start to pull away from him in order to give to AP.

 

End it now. Before it gets worse.

[sassyunicorn]

I think you need to ask yourself: Would your husband be ok with the amount of time you talk to this friend?

Would you be ok if your husband had a friend like the one you have.

Would you be ok saying the things you say in front of your husband. If the answer is yes. Then not a problem, but tricky.

 

If the answer is no, then you're in trouble. You already said there is sexual chemistry. That's getting dangerous.

 

Sure in the beginning maybe you are more loving to your spouse, its out of guilt, like overcompensation probably.

Not to make generalizations, but men can be very good at compartmentalizing. Each person in their own box and role. Wife role, AP role. These things reserved for wife, these things reserved for GF. So yes it could be making his marriage better because now he is getting all his needs met. Which in your case would be emotional.

 

Some woman can compartmentalize. But not many. So in the beginning you may still be loving to your husband, but over time you will start to pull away from him in order to give to AP.

 

End it now. Before it gets worse.

 

Thanks! I keep trying to figure out how to end it, but every time I do, I get physically sick. The problem is that I would be okay if the tables were turned and my husband had a friend like that. My husband is okay with my relationships with other men, but doesn't like the idea of me talking to OM because he's an ex. It stems from H's ex wife cheating multiple times...We are lucky that as our friendship and emotional bond grows, the sexual stuff seems to lessen. For instance, he sent me a pic of his recent back surgery incision and it took me days to realize that I actually had a really nice view of his butt, which has always been very attractive to me...On the rare occasion we do see each other, our physical contact is definitely on a friendship level (hugging me while I cry, holding my hand when he was super anxious talking about surgery, etc....), very strong emotional feelings but nothing sexual at all. It's a really tricky situation.

We both have the "ideal" vision of our friendship being exactly how it is, only our spouses accepting it. Basically, like it would be if we hadn't dated over 20 years ago!

[Satu]

You just have to let it go cold by not communicating.

 

There is no other solution.

 

 

Take care.

[sassyunicorn]

You just have to let it go cold by not communicating.

 

There is no other solution.

 

 

Take care.

Help? I feel like a total whiner and honestly childish about all of this. We've had very minimal contact since he recently had back surgery, but every little bit of contact we have makes me feel like a giddy teenager. That's where most of my issue is coming from in realizing it's much more than friendship. How the heck do I maintain the self control and *not* contact him? I feel like it wouldn't be a problem if we had never dated, so why hold a summer fling against a friendship?

[Birdies]

Help? I feel like a total whiner and honestly childish about all of this. We've had very minimal contact since he recently had back surgery, but every little bit of contact we have makes me feel like a giddy teenager. That's where most of my issue is coming from in realizing it's much more than friendship. How the heck do I maintain the self control and *not* contact him? I feel like it wouldn't be a problem if we had never dated, so why hold a summer fling against a friendship?

 

Girl. The previous dating thing doesnt matter. What matters is this feeling. Trust me, I know, I've been there. I never thought it would go beyond this point, I loved my husband, etc etc. Then it did. Once you have these feelings, you open the door. Trust us all when we tell you it will be far easier to back away now than to back away later, when you're in love and think you can't live without him.

[Satu]

This is the bitter-tasting medicine that cures the affliction.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete him from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

 

I wish there was something sweeter...

 

 

Take care.

[DKT3]

Help? I feel like a total whiner and honestly childish about all of this. We've had very minimal contact since he recently had back surgery, but every little bit of contact we have makes me feel like a giddy teenager. That's where most of my issue is coming from in realizing it's much more than friendship. How the heck do I maintain the self control and *not* contact him? I feel like it wouldn't be a problem if we had never dated, so why hold a summer fling against a friendship?

 

You do it by stopping, it's not that hard once it's what you really want, until then you will find ways to excuse the actions like saying you would be OK if your husband had a similar relationship....Which I honestly doubt you would being that you've on several occasions come close to being physical.

[central]

You have two good options, as I see it (and a dangerous one). The good ones are to either end this friendship completely, or discuss it fully and completely with your husband. Your friend should do the same with his wife if you choose this route.

 

It is possible to have a deep emotional, even loving, connection with more than one person. The problem is that the primary person - your spouse - may not be accepting of this. However, some are - or can be, especially if they have say in setting limits and boundaries. I am talking specifically about polyamorous relationships: loving more than one person, which does NOT always mean that you are involved with anyone else sexually (although this is fairly common in poly relationships).

 

If you disclose and discuss this with your husband, he may have a bad reaction, or may tell you to cut all contact - or, he may be understanding. Only you have an idea of how he'd react, and so only you can decide what the best way forward is: end the friendship, or disclose the depth of it to your husband. You have realized where this friendship is going, so before it gets out of control, you need to take control in some way, right now.

 

I am fortunate in having a very open-minded, poly-oriented spouse, so I can have these kinds of friendships openly, or even more if we agree to it. Most people don't understand, but could - others are incapable, and it is not worth trying to get them to change.

[sassyunicorn]

You have two good options, as I see it (and a dangerous one). The good ones are to either end this friendship completely, or discuss it fully and completely with your husband. Your friend should do the same with his wife if you choose this route.

 

It is possible to have a deep emotional, even loving, connection with more than one person. The problem is that the primary person - your spouse - may not be accepting of this. However, some are - or can be, especially if they have say in setting limits and boundaries. I am talking specifically about polyamorous relationships: loving more than one person, which does NOT always mean that you are involved with anyone else sexually (although this is fairly common in poly relationships).

 

If you disclose and discuss this with your husband, he may have a bad reaction, or may tell you to cut all contact - or, he may be understanding. Only you have an idea of how he'd react, and so only you can decide what the best way forward is: end the friendship, or disclose the depth of it to your husband. You have realized where this friendship is going, so before it gets out of control, you need to take control in some way, right now.

 

I am fortunate in having a very open-minded, poly-oriented spouse, so I can have these kinds of friendships openly, or even more if we agree to it. Most people don't understand, but could - others are incapable, and it is not worth trying to get them to change.

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Unfortunately I tried the telling him thing long before we got to this point and it didn't go over well at all! Given my husband's ex wife, I totally understand his problem with it, but it still frustrates me. I think it's most frustrating because I have a few friendships with males that are close and actually more sexual than mine with OM. H is okay with that because he knows the boundaries are where they are. He will not accept OM as a friend because he sees the history as a threat. Honestly, if he did (and OW), we would all benefit...and I think if it was accepted, we wouldn't have the taboo feeling, so it would just be "normal" if that makes sense...

[Lady2163]

I was n the military and have had close relationships with men that are probably considered EA by many here. It's a "brotherhood", its a camaraderie, it's a protective lay down your life type of thing.

 

So, I'm very non judgmental with EAs. You can be tight with someone, but if there is any sexual connection or sexual innuendo and conversations....you're crossing a line.

 

In my opinion as a straight female, if I say or do anything with a male friend that I wouldn't do with any of my female friends OR a male family member, I'd feel I crossed that line. Hugging, yes. Kissing on cheek, maybe. Kissing on mouth - never.

[Friskyone4u]

Sassy,

 

In your initial post you stated that you have come "close" to PA a number of times. Does your husband know that?? Does he know how much you are talking to and meetings the OM.?? I doubt it.

 

And you noticing and remarking how much you like his butt makes this anything but innocent. You are playing Russian roulette and you know it.

 

So, like Central told you. You either

(1) end this crap altogether

(2) tell your husband and ask for an open relationship, and yes the answer to that will probably be no.

 

You are cheating and you will eventually consummate this if you continue and you problems will just begin because you have already said your husband is not thrilled with this guy because of the past relationship.

 

And do not try to make it his problem because he was cheated on. It is your problem caused by you having interaction and conversation with another man that you certainly would not want your husband to listen in to.

 

From your post, it sounds like you are looking for justification to continue. That is your right but you are going to be sorry when it escalates and then your world comes crashing down

[Cephalopod]

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Unfortunately I tried the telling him thing long before we got to this point and it didn't go over well at all! Given my husband's ex wife, I totally understand his problem with it, but it still frustrates me. I think it's most frustrating because I have a few friendships with males that are close and actually more sexual than mine with OM. H is okay with that because he knows the boundaries are where they are. He will not accept OM as a friend because he sees the history as a threat. Honestly, if he did (and OW), we would all benefit...and I think if it was accepted, we wouldn't have the taboo feeling, so it would just be "normal" if that makes sense...

 

You're having sex with other men?

[Darren Steez]

I have a few friendships with males that are close and actually more sexual than mine with OM. H is okay with that because he knows the boundaries are where they are.

 

Two things here.

 

Does your husband know you're communicating at all with your friend? Given that the doesn't like your friendship, are you doing this behind his back? If so isn't that a problem in itself? Even if that were the case that he knew, let's take the back surgery picture for instance, did you share it with him? The waters are pretty muddy here, some clarification would be nice because I don't believe you've just suddenly come to the realization that you've been cheating all this time..

 

Also clarify the friendship with males that are actually more sexual, I didn't read into it that you are sexually cheating, more like sexual innuendo however innocent you think it may be.

 

Your husband is not ok with any of it, but perhaps knowing you realizes there's nothing he can do to stop you, as evidenced by your continued contact with your "friend"

[sassyunicorn]

I was n the military and have had close relationships with men that are probably considered EA by many here. It's a "brotherhood", its a camaraderie, it's a protective lay down your life type of thing.

 

So, I'm very non judgmental with EAs. You can be tight with someone, but if there is any sexual connection or sexual innuendo and conversations....you're crossing a line.

 

In my opinion as a straight female, if I say or do anything with a male friend that I wouldn't do with any of my female friends OR a male family member, I'd feel I crossed that line. Hugging, yes. Kissing on cheek, maybe. Kissing on mouth - never.

 

I think that's where a lot of my guilt comes from. I have a few other close friendships with males that my husband is very supportive of. Heck, I occasionally go on "dates" with the best man from our wedding. My relationships with 2 of our friends have been laden with tons of sexual innuendo, but the deep feelings and innuendo are all "okay" because there's nothing that I feel I have to hide from my husband. There's nothing that I do with them that I won't do in front of him. The problem with my OM is that I've actually told H that we've talked and he's become very defensive. I want him to see past the threat and let the friendship continue...the friendship that supports each other and our marriages and all the other things that gender and history shouldn't impact.

[sassyunicorn]

You're having sex with other men?

No. I have not had sex with anyone other than my husband in the 17 years we've been together. I apologize for not being clear. There's been sexual contact/innuendo, but no full nudity or actual sexual contact. Nothing that hasn't been done in the presence of my husband.

[sassyunicorn]

Sassy,

 

In your initial post you stated that you have come "close" to PA a number of times. Does your husband know that?? Does he know how much you are talking to and meetings the OM.?? I doubt it.

 

And you noticing and remarking how much you like his butt makes this anything but innocent. You are playing Russian roulette and you know it.

 

So, like Central told you. You either

(1) end this crap altogether

(2) tell your husband and ask for an open relationship, and yes the answer to that will probably be no.

 

You are cheating and you will eventually consummate this if you continue and you problems will just begin because you have already said your husband is not thrilled with this guy because of the past relationship.

 

And do not try to make it his problem because he was cheated on. It is your problem caused by you having interaction and conversation with another man that you certainly would not want your husband to listen in to.

 

From your post, it sounds like you are looking for justification to continue. That is your right but you are going to be sorry when it escalates and then your world comes crashing down

 

Unfortunately, I do keep trying to justify it to myself, but the guilt is so damn consuming. I'm not innocent, nor to I pretend to be, but I've always been completely honest and that's the problem with my relationship with OM.

[sassyunicorn]

Two things here.

 

Does your husband know you're communicating at all with your friend? Given that the doesn't like your friendship, are you doing this behind his back? If so isn't that a problem in itself? Even if that were the case that he knew, let's take the back surgery picture for instance, did you share it with him? The waters are pretty muddy here, some clarification would be nice because I don't believe you've just suddenly come to the realization that you've been cheating all this time..

 

Also clarify the friendship with males that are actually more sexual, I didn't read into it that you are sexually cheating, more like sexual innuendo however innocent you think it may be.

 

Your husband is not ok with any of it, but perhaps knowing you realizes there's nothing he can do to stop you, as evidenced by your continued contact with your "friend"

Thanks. The friendship/EA is something I just realized when another friend pointed it out. The waters are muddy because that's how life is. I met my husband when we were both big in the bar scene and our "group" was mostly males. He knew exactly how/who I was and that's never been an issue. OM is an issue because at one point we did almost have a PA. Before that, he accepted our friendship and communication despite his discomfort because that's who I was. After that, he couldn't see past the betrayal and that's where the issue is. IF we had never almost crossed that line, I would not have any guilt with my relationship with OM because despite the closeness, I don't think if we didn't have the "taboo" feeling it would be anything more than a close friendship built on many years of knowing each other and having personalities that click. We understand each others' minds and hearts. We both know we are not meant to be together and have no desire to be, but the fact that it's unacceptable to our respective spouses is what makes it not okay. Last time I tried to bring it up to my husband (with very non-threatening contact), he did not take it well and despite it being a medical question, felt the idea of being betrayed. I honestly think there's part of my husband that knows and it's one of those things he just chooses to pretend isn't there. That's what breaks me the most is the feelings I'd imagine he has.

[Cephalopod]

Why is your husband not enough? Why can you not share your mind and heart with him like you can the OM?

[Cephalopod]

No. I have not had sex with anyone other than my husband in the 17 years we've been together. I apologize for not being clear. There's been sexual contact/innuendo, but no full nudity or actual sexual contact. Nothing that hasn't been done in the presence of my husband.

 

That is sex Sassy. Simulated, written, talked-about....even if you never had physical contact with all these men, you are still a serial cheater.

[Friskyone4u]

Unfortunately, I do keep trying to justify it to myself, but the guilt is so damn consuming. I'm not innocent, nor to I pretend to be, but I've always been completely honest and that's the problem with my relationship with OM.

 

Sassy,

 

Maybe I am misunderstanding, but are you saying you are allowing others men to grope you with your husband around? But not having sex???

 

Regardless to the answer with that, it apparently has all been done in front of your husband so if he is fine with that that's his call. I would ask why you need all this attention from other men? Women have friendships with men that do not involve sexual innuendos of all kinds.

 

But back to this OM. You have your answer from your husband and you are now acting like a spoiled child that can;t get her way. These other men you say you have not been on the verge of having actual sex with so how about admitting that your husband is not being unreasonable in his gut feelings. You are lying to yourself saying nothing would happen if your husband said OK but that because he won't you keep almost having sex with him.

 

Like I said, my guess is you will unfortunately eventually blow up your marriage, because with your husband already getting pissed off at this situation, when he catches you he will feel even more betrayed.

 

i think your mind is made up. Youre not going to stop what you are doing. Hope that is an incorrect outcome for you

[sassyunicorn]

Why is your husband not enough? Why can you not share your mind and heart with him like you can the OM?

I do. I try. Unfortunately as amazing of a team as we are, he's not as emotionally open as I am and I don't like projecting my fears on him and adding stress when it's things he's already worried about (example, possible nerve surgery directly below his brainstem). We talk about these things and share our love and concerns, but OM is that friend that I share all of my extreme emotions (fear, anxiety, etc...) with that my "real" life doesn't need the added stress of.

[Birdies]

Look, life isn't fair. We don't get to decide where other people's lines in the sand are drawn. For your husband, your inappropriately close friendship with an ex is not acceptable. You now either have to decide whether to respect that boundary, or whether to be deceitful. All of this "it's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrr" is beside the point (and also incorrect, in my opinion, given what you wrote about contact with him making you giddy like a teenager AND the fact your husband knows you almost had a physical affair with him!!!).

 

What's more important, your marriage or your friendship with OM? It's a fairly distinct, binary choice in front of you.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Birdies

[DKT3]

Look, life isn't fair. We don't get to decide where other people's lines in the sand are drawn. For your husband, your inappropriately close friendship with an ex is not acceptable. You now either have to decide whether to respect that boundary, or whether to be deceitful. All of this "it's not faaaaaaiiiiirrrrrr" is beside the point (and also incorrect, in my opinion, given what you wrote about contact with him making you giddy like a teenager AND the fact your husband knows you almost had a physical affair with him!!!).

 

What's more important, your marriage or your friendship with OM? It's a fairly distinct, binary choice in front of you.

 

Im guessing she has always known her husband was uncomfortable with these guy...How? Because he told her. So she hide the true nature of the affair and even lied to herself despite having several near miss sexual encounters, she says she didn't lie to her husband but omition is dishonest. So yeah she decieved her husband by omitting the flirty sexually nature of her "friendship".

 

I think it's time to get real

[Cephalopod]

Im guessing she has always known her husband was uncomfortable with these guy...How? Because he told her. So she hide the true nature of the affair and even lied to herself despite having several near miss sexual encounters, she says she didn't lie to her husband but omition is dishonest. So yeah she decieved her husband by omitting the flirty sexually nature of her "friendship".

 

I think it's time to get real

 

She has been flirting and sexting with several men, not just this guy.