My Fiancée broke up with me +Extreme change of mind +Police threats

[Meaulnes]

First of all, my first language is not English so I might make some mistakes while writing this. I want to warn you: this is a really long story. At the end you can find in bold a really really short summary of what happened.

 

So I met this girl at university four and a half years ago. She came to Europe with a scholarship, she's from the States. All the time of the relationship she's been living here in my country and we've been together.

 

Keep in mind this: her family is really traditional so they didn't know we were seeing each other every day and that the last two years we've been living together in the same apartment. But they did know that we were in a relationship.

 

She's been talking about marriage before but I always ignored it because here it is not that common to get married so young (we started with 22 her, 23 me; at the end of the relationship she is 26 and I'm 27).

 

This last academic year (2015-2016) she's been cold. She told me after coming back from her home two summers ago that she intended to do a Master in the States. So the situation was weird because I didn't know if she wanted me to come with her.

 

We didn't talk things and last Christmas she went home again. She came back colder and one day told me she thought I wasn't so involved in the relationship and that I had lost the 'magic'. I told her that it was true and that I had realised that she had lost it too but we were both working and not really having time. Inside me I was feeling that she was going to leave Europe and didn't want me to go with her. She wasn't clear all the time but once she told me "next summer (2016) I'm going back to the States and if you're going to do anything it's now the moment". She wanted me to ask her for marriage but I didn't want to do it because I didn't know if she was going to get admitted in the Master and thought I wasn't prepared for that.

 

Finally she got accepted and things got really intense. I thought I was going to lose her but we talked things and she told me that she wanted me to go with her to the States but, at the same time, she wanted to know how I was planning to get there. She was again insinuating the marriage. I told her 'you'll see' and she got nervous and started giggling. After that conversation we were like at the beginning of the relationship, her last months in Europe were really good. We talked about our future plans in the States. She was so excited!

 

However, she always acted weird when she came at my parents' house. She didn't want to spend so much time there and treated them coldly.

 

I didn't give her the ring till one week before her flight. I was busy with the work/master and trying to find the best moment to give it to her. I had decided I wanted to marry this girl because I really loved her and wanted to pursue our relationship in the States. It was at the beach. She was really excited, you should have seen her face. She called her parents, sent messages to her friends. She posted it on Facebook, everybody saw it. I must say here that when we spoke to her parents the dad didn't seem really happy, he was looking elsewhere.

 

She took the flight, arrived home and started preparing the wedding and the visa papers. We got the place, the date, she got the dress. She started talking me about the pastor that was going to marry us. About our study in the city (we decorated it together via Internet). She called me every day, showing me things in the new city. She sent me a dozen cards where she told me how excited she was to start our new chapter there.

 

Then she started the lessons in the new city. She is a girl who always get stressed with work. She had to deal with lessons, work and she spent the majority of time in the library. That happened two weeks after arriving there. We spoke less than before. She got her mind on her Master.

 

But she still told me 'I miss you', 'the visa papers should have come by now', 'this friend wants to know you', 'there's barnes and noble near the appartment you're going to love it', 'there's this ice cream place here that we both love, we have to go there', etc.

 

I was acting the same as always but it's true that I had my doubts. It was really a big change in my life and it meant that I was going to leave behind my friends and family. I couldn't finish my Master's thesis and she was sad because she thought I wouldn't go there. But I told her that it wasn't a problem. She got stressed because I wasn't planning anything: my part of the visa papers, telling her my job plans or looking for people to practice English here in the meantime. It's true that I wasn't doing anything of that but we still had a lot of time! She was stressing for nothing and I kept telling her to wait because we still didn't have an answer for the visa and it's a long process. I wouldn't be able to work in the States for another two-three months once I'd get there so why stressing so much? She was really investing in me, she wanted me there. I saw that. All this happened in September.

 

We continued speaking more or less once a day. She got more and more work to do, exams and all that. We only spoke about that, I think we were growing apart. No news for the visa papers. I tried to help her with her work, revising her papers or recording my voice for a task she had to do.

 

I sent her a letter at the beginning of October telling her how much I wanted to be there. I spoke in my letter about my doubts (which are normal, it was a big change for me) but I ended telling her that I wanted to be there with her and couldn't wait to see her. She was really excited and started to tell me 'I wish you could be here'. A couple of days later she sent me a picture of a plane ticket and told me 'I wish you could come...'.

 

Well, ten days later, out of the blue, she broke up with me. Never showed any kind of doubts, never was cold. But that day she called me and was crying on the phone. I couldn't believe it was because of us. I thought it was the stress. 'It's not you, it's me'. 'You're perfect'. 'You deserve better'. 'I didn't want to hurt you and now I've really hurt you'. 'You're following me here'. 'The wedding isn't real'. It seemed like she was feeling guilty because of something. I told her 'I don't understand anything. We've been planning a lot of things. Is there anybody you've met?' She told me no. She wanted time to think, she would write me in two-three weeks. I was so confused I didn't know what else to say.

 

But there was a thing she told me that made me angry. She said she've been doubting since the day she knew she got accepted in the Masters! It was like nine months ago! We prepared the wedding, visa papers, made a lot of plans... it was impossible. Has she been lying to me all this time?

 

I couldn't stop thinking about that so I wrote her basically after hanging up. 'If it's because of the wedding we can cancel it or postpone it'. 'Have you been lying to me all this time? You just wanted me to help you with the move and to keep you company till your last day in Europe? I was a bit angry but, above all, confused.

 

She answered me the next day. She was cold and, apparently, already had decided that she wanted to end the relationship. 'I've lied to you but above all I've lied to me'. 'The only explanation for all the wedding preparations, visa papers, etc is that I went through the motions but my heart didn't follow'. 'My feelings aren't the same'. 'You're not the correct person'. 'Your message helped me with my decision'. 'You think I'm perfect for you, I can promise you I'm not'. 'You deserve someone who loves you better'. 'You're free now'. 'I ask you not to find happiness in a relationship but in following your dreams'. 'Don't talk to me now because it's going to hurt you but if you want you can, I just don't want to read more attacks' (when was I attacking her?). I was even more confused now. What was going on? She blocked me on Facebook, me, my family and my friends. Her mother too and I didn't even have her as a contact. I felt guilty, I felt as if I had done something to her. As if it was me who had broke up with her.

 

I didn't understand a thing. A week earlier she was still my fiancée. I decided to fly to the States to try to talk with her. I sent her a message and in my message I was telling her I should have cared more about my responsabilities but that I had already started to look for the papers and all. We had a lot of time to do that. I told her that the wedding was real, I loved her and had been preparing the vows since the summer. It's important to say here that I also wrote 'you're NOT forced to come and see me, but I'm going to be in your city from that day to that one'.

 

Well, she kept ignoring me. It was a week after her last message. I wrote to her via phone message and she got really mad. 'Are you serious? You cannot stay at my place'. I told her I had a hotel. 'You cannot see me, you're making it worse'. 'You should respect my feelings' 'You cannot force me to be with you'. I told her I didn't want to force her, I just wanted to understand what was going on, after all the planning and seeing her so excited.. why this sudden change? She didn't read my messages, she just said 'You cannot force me to be with you' 'I respected you as a person but I cannot believe you don't care about my feelings'. 'Leave me alone, I don't want to be with you that's the only reason!!'. She seemed another person, not the one I knew. So cold, so distant, so aggressive.

 

I asked her if there was anybody else in her life. That was the only explanation I could find. It was really impossible because she only had been in the new city for one month. But I didn't know that person anymore, she was a strange now, so who knew? She could've found someone. I asked also if her dad didn't want to sign the visa papers (he had to endorse/guarantee me, remember I told you at the beginning he didn't seem really happy about the wedding). She didn't answer me back and an hour passed by.

 

Suddenly a message appeared in my phone. 'Please don't contact me any more. I have told you that I do not want to be with you or see you. I am prepared to take serious measures to prevent that happening. If you come here you will regret it. I am at the precinct now and I have given them your messages. They have your flight information. This is the last message I am sending you. You should have respected my wishes. You have gone too far'.

 

I was really surprised. What was going on? Then someone called me, he identified himself as an officer, told me his name and the precinct he was calling from. He informed what could happen to me if I decided to fly to the States (he told me I could be put in prison while the situation was clarified or either be sent in a plane back to my country). I couldn't believe it so I kept telling him that. He told me 'you can believe whatever you want, come if you think so but you know what consequences that could have'. At the end I asked him 'Where did you meet her?', and he told me 'Sir, I'm not going to admit that' and hanged up.

 

Why did she do this to me? To the person she was going to marry, to the person she had spent 4 years and a half of her life? She didn't let me speak nor gave me any 'real' explanation to her sudden change! Is it normal that she treated me like that? Never in my life could I do her any harm! I've never shouted at her nor even hit her and I feel that I've been treated as if I was a crazy harasser. This is insane. I think she should have treated me different, tried to talk things over. I was really clear in my message: you're NOT forced to come and see me. Since her last message I wasn't harassing her with phone calls nor messages. Just one mail and this last conversation on the phone where I was telling her I was flying there and that I would like to meet her and that she wasn't forced to, it was her choice whether to come or not.

 

I didn't understand anything but I'm not a fool. I didn't take the plane and I haven't heard from her since (it's been a month and a half now). I feel like I will never know the truth, what really happened. But I do know that she treated me like if I was garbage, something to get rid of. It's really sad, in just a month she went from 'I wish you could come' and the picture of the plane tickets, to break up with me, to threaten me with the police when she heard I was planning on going there. Insane.

 

I'm sorry for all of my mistakes, I'm sorry for this really long story but I needed to tell y'all. If you've come to this point, thank you for reading me.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's got a new boyfriend and doesn't want you to find out the truth.

 

That's probably who really called you, posing as a police officer.

 

Whatever the truth is, you really have no choice but to continue trying to detach and let go. She is not the woman you thought she was, and one day you will be very grateful you didn't marry her.

[BettyDraper]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must be so painful.

I agree that she met someone else and that's why she changed her mind so quickly.

[Satu]

She's got a new boyfriend and doesn't want you to find out the truth.

 

That's probably who really called you, posing as a police officer.

 

Whatever the truth is, you really have no choice but to continue trying to detach and let go. She is not the woman you thought she was, and one day you will be very grateful you didn't marry her.

 

As stated above.

 

Sorry you had to go through this painful experience.

 

 

Take care.

[Sweetfish]

Cut ALL contact from now on..

 

This happen to a friend... The last year of school after staying at his house "sipping on wine and eating cheese and crackers" She decided her "lease" was due and didn't need him anymore.

[spiderowl]

I'm really sorry. It must be an awful shock. Sometimes people live in fantasy land and then one day wake up. Maybe she was like that. Maybe she met someone else and realised it was not fair on you to let you go to the US and go to that trouble when she knew she wasn't going to be swayed. It's just pretty crap the way she put the police onto you like that. I doubt they could do anything unless you went near her or harassed her in any way, which you were not planning to do. Regardless, you don't want to waste your money on visiting her.

 

I hope you get over this before too long. It sounds like an emotional rollercoaster, with all the worries about moving country, getting visas, jobs in a foreign land. Maybe one day you will be glad it never happened.

 

Hugs xx

[CelticGibson]

'It's not you, it's me'. 'You're perfect'. 'You deserve better'

 

These are the classic excuses given when they have checked out and found someone else. She's seeing someone and doesn't want you to know the truth and is putting you off ever travelling there by saying the wedding isn't real and then threatening you with police actions if you ever attempted to travel.

 

She was in the relationship when she was in Europe with you but since she went back she found a new social circle and a new guy to go along with them.

 

People can be so fickle. Once she found someone new, she swung from your vine to another and that's that. Be glad you found out before you went over there.

 

It's hard to be dismissed so viciously and horribly but this is a blessing in disguise. If she hadn't found someone yet and you went over there, it would have eventually happened and you would have been really stuck.

 

So count your lucky stars you know now....

[Sweetfish]

'It's not you, it's me'. 'You're perfect'. 'You deserve better'

 

These are the classic excuses given when they have checked out and found someone else. She's seeing someone and doesn't want you to know the truth and is putting you off ever travelling there by saying the wedding isn't real and then threatening you with police actions if you ever attempted to travel.

 

She was in the relationship when she was in Europe with you but since she went back she found a new social circle and a new guy to go along with them.

 

People can be so fickle. Once she found someone new, she swung from your vine to another and that's that. Be glad you found out before you went over there.

 

It's hard to be dismissed so viciously and horribly but this is a blessing in disguise. If she hadn't found someone yet and you went over there, it would have eventually happened and you would have been really stuck.

 

So count your lucky stars you know now....

 

Like I heard before.."if she willing willing to leave her home of origin, friends, and family. What make you think she won't leave you"

[Meaulnes]

Just a couple of things I wanted to add but now it's too late to edit my story. I'm sorry again because this is going to be long but hey, if you're bored and interested in my story you may understand it better after reading this.

 

- When she called me she was crying and she was jumping from one argument to another one. No connection at all. She also said: 'We've started too young', 'When I read your letter (about two weeks earlier) I cried because the plans/future/etc you were talking about aren't the same ones I want'. This is strange as I was just talking about the things we were planning all summer. When I asked her what was going to happen with the wedding she told me she had already spoken with her mother and that it was in 'pause'. So the mother knew about all that happened before me and I'm sure she influenced her.

 

- In her last message the following day she also said: 'I exploded now but I would also have exploded if you have come here'. 'You're trying to change my mind to make you happy but that's not going to happen, I've made it before (what? had she been faking everything?). 'When I had doubts in the relationship I never thought I could want anything else' (so she felt obliged to be with me, is it that? I find this irrational, she wouldn't have prepared so many things to get me there with her). She also said that 'You're a really important person for me, although I know you're not going to believe me' and 'Nothing is ever going to erase the great adventures we've lived together and the affection I feel for you'.

 

- All of her explanations were really strange. And stranger than that was her reaction when she heard I was planning to go to the States in a week. If I really was so important to her and she felt some kind of affection for me, why did she treat me that way?

 

- Almost everyone in her family has some kind of problems: her father doesn't know how to keep a normal conversation, he just said nonsense all time I was there and he doesn't know anything about his family. My ex even told me that her mother didn't divorce him because she can't live by herself (no ingresses). Her mother acts as a child when she gets mad. I've never ever seen an adult behaving in such a weird way. I think she doesn't have emotional intelligence. She didn't treat her daughter well and I've seen my ex crying because of her mother. 'Why did she treat me this way?' This happened last April, the mother came here to Europe to visit but went mad almost every day, going on her own and leaving us behind. I think she was jealous of me, she said 'We only do what one person wants' and looked at me furiously. That wasn't true as I was always trying to please her... anyway I never answered her back. Even my ex said to me that her mother had a problem. Her brother is almost autistic, doesn't know how to get close with anybody and doesn't care about his family. When he was young he used to shout at her mother and once hit her. My ex used to witness this and never wanted to 'disturb' anyone so she kept shut and never told what she felt. Her aunt is taking pills on a daily basis, etc. I used to think 'she's the sanest on her family'.

 

- The truth is my ex acted weird throughout the relationship. At first, when she came back from the States every summer she was really shy and cold with me, as she didn't know who I was. She didn't kiss me nor seemed happy, just greeted me with two kisses in the cheek. She was extremely maniacal in the appartment with cleanliness and every little thing I did bothered her. I used to act the way she wanted just to avoid having arguments with her. Once, we were having dinner in a restaurant and suddenly she went out and left me alone. A jelly in the salad had obsessed her, I don't know why and that's why she left. I never understood that behaviour.

 

- About men. She never had a relationship before me (she's my 3rd one). She used to joke with her friends about finishing in a convent. However, she started going out and kissing men the year before she came here. But every man she met was either married, either had already a girlfriend and was out looking for other girls or just wanted to have sex with her. This period of her life finished when she went to the appartment of a guy who (according to her) forced her to have sex when she kept telling him no. She spent the following months crying and feeling bad. When we started it was difficult and it was slow but I never had a problem with this, I understood her. Although my main hypothesis now is that she found someone else I kind of doubt it. In just a month could she have found my 'replacement'? I think that she made a mistake, maybe she hooked up with someone and felt guilty or something like that. She's impulsive.

 

- When I analyse the relationship now in retrospective I am really surprised to notice that she was a completely different person when she first arrived here and another one when she left. At first she was always smiling, always happy. She really loved me, she used to like watching me while I was shaving and come and kiss me. This disappeared. She used to speak a lot with my parents, come to their house and eat everything and prepare special things for them. Last year this disappeared too. She treated them harshly.

I think this change happened when she started living on her own appartment, her 'home' and when the first ideas of doing a master in the States appeared. She never wanted to go back there, this was her parents' idea. This last year when she was speaking with her mother (she does it everyday) they were planning her move to the States and I wasn't in their plans. I noticed this because I used to sit quiet next to her when her parents called (remember they didn't know we lived together). Once the mother told her: 'All stuff you don't want you leave it to Meaulnes'. I was shocked and asked her why did her mother tell her that. I think all this was because of the miscommunication: she didn't know I was going to ask her for marriage and the date of her flight was approaching. Maybe she was thinking I'd never do it.

 

- I've felt guilty when she broke up with me because it's true that I didn't show her how much I wanted to go there. Since she left, all efforts were on her side. She created a Word and an Excel with all documents we needed, she organised the wedding with her mother (I just gave advice through Internet) and when she sent me so many cards I never answered back (even if she told me 'write me back and tell me your bucket list). But we kept talking everyday and speaking about our future plans. When she got to the new city she kept pushing me, investing in us. If my behaviour kind of helped her to take a decision, my last message showing her interest and wanting to go there to talk things over should have worked in a different way...

 

- She's left some acquaintance of mine in her Facebook, not really close friends. I've spoken to one of them recently and told me she hasn't posted anything since everything happened two months ago. After the last conversation with the police threats I started the no contact but the other day I felt curiosity and typed her name in Google and found her Pinterest. Her last photos (some quotes, two weeks ago) show she may not be that happy after all: 'If you're going through hell, keep going'. 'Let no man pull you so low as to hate him', etc. Am I the source of that? All was questions in my head so I decided never again I would do that.

 

Thank you for reading and sorry for this long post. Even if you don't read it at all it helped me to vent my emotions out.

Edited December 18, 2016 by Meaulnes

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry, it does sound a very confusing situation and I can understand you want to understand what has happened. You may well never do and you might need to accept that rather than try to work the impossible out.

 

It is possible that she thought you weren't as interested as her, then other influences added to that. It is also possible she is one of these people who throws herself madly into things and then equally madly into something else.

 

Her family may have something to do with this. They sound a bit odd but few families are perfect.

 

All you can go on now is how she is treating you. If she is threatening to contact the police, she means do not visit. I sense you will not push this because you sound a very reasonable person. Whatever she thinks she is doing, she is causing you pain, so it is best to cut her off and go no-contact so she can't keep messing you about. She has been clear, whatever mixture of emotions or influences led her to this point. She now has to live with what she has lost and you have a duty to look after yourself and give yourself time to recover from this blow.

 

x

[ExpatInItaly]

She sounds like she's got some underlying mental issues, OP.

 

I mean...a jelly in a salad possessed her so she just got up and left the restaurant? That should have raised some serious red flags to you. Why didn't it?

 

You would be best to stop getting updates from friends about her online activity. I know you are curious but I don't think you're dealing with someone who is very stable, emotionally. And that's not something you can fix.

 

As for these "police' threats, don't worry. I am quite sure it was her new guy calling you. If you were not threatening her in any way, it is highly unlikely the police would place an international phone call to you. This is further proof that she's immature and not in any place to be in a realtionship.

[Meaulnes]

I'm sorry, it does sound a very confusing situation and I can understand you want to understand what has happened. You may well never do and you might need to accept that rather than try to work the impossible out.

 

It is possible that she thought you weren't as interested as her, then other influences added to that. It is also possible she is one of these people who throws herself madly into things and then equally madly into something else.

 

Her family may have something to do with this. They sound a bit odd but few families are perfect.

 

All you can go on now is how she is treating you. If she is threatening to contact the police, she means do not visit. I sense you will not push this because you sound a very reasonable person. Whatever she thinks she is doing, she is causing you pain, so it is best to cut her off and go no-contact so she can't keep messing you about. She has been clear, whatever mixture of emotions or influences led her to this point. She now has to live with what she has lost and you have a duty to look after yourself and give yourself time to recover from this blow.

 

x

 

You're right. That's what I try to think: I shouldn't be looking for answers, because I'll never get them! They're all just hypothesis. The mind is so powerful that if I want all my hypothesis to work, they will. So it is an useless waste of energy.

 

As you say, I just have to focus on the way she treated me. I'd never forget that. I'd never understand how a person that I've loved with all my heart, that I've cared about and tried to help in all I could (doing my best because of the distance) could treat me that way. Almost five years of relationship, living together for two years, about to get married and... suddenly, I'm just an unkwnown, a 'crazy man' from Europe who's trying to force her, someone to get rid of.

 

Bearing this in mind, I try to move on. I try to only focus in her behaviour towards me, not in the unknown reasons that provoked it. Easy to say, difficult to do. When sadness, anger, confusion, guilt and impotence come to my mind all questions arise again. So many questions that will never get an answer.

 

And, of course, it goes without saying that I'll never contact her. She's been clear and I don't intend to bother her in any kind of way since the moment she told me 'Don't contact me anymore' and threatened me with the police. Whatever her reasons are, I respect them.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Meaulnes

[Meaulnes]

She sounds like she's got some underlying mental issues, OP.

 

I mean...a jelly in a salad possessed her so she just got up and left the restaurant? That should have raised some serious red flags to you. Why didn't it?

 

You would be best to stop getting updates from friends about her online activity. I know you are curious but I don't think you're dealing with someone who is very stable, emotionally. And that's not something you can fix.

 

As for these "police' threats, don't worry. I am quite sure it was her new guy calling you. If you were not threatening her in any way, it is highly unlikely the police would place an international phone call to you. This is further proof that she's immature and not in any place to be in a realtionship.

 

It did! I was just too in love to keep that in mind. You know, love is blind. But I remember asking her why that happened and she didn't know what to say. She just said I'm sorry.

 

You seem really convinced in that 'officer' being her new guy. I really doubt this. If I ever met a girl and in one-two weeks she'd ask me to pose as an officer to scare her ex fiancé-bf I'd run away from her!! I'll think she's crazy (unless I just wanted to have sex with her so in order to please her... but I'm not that kind of man and I'm sure she's not that kind of woman).

 

If 'the officer' was really her new guy he'd have told me something like leave her alone or tried to threaten me as her new guy... But to pose as an officer?? It's really strange. It's like a child game and we're adults. I just can't imagine the guy and her making up the officer story, his name, the precinct he was calling from and everything. It's ridiculous.

 

The voice sounded normal, formal and he talked to me in my native language. He just wanted to inform me what could happen if I'd take the plane. Her new guy wouldn't do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what did this "officer" say would happen to you if you took a plane? What number did they call from?

 

As far as I am aware, you have not committed any offences. You are also not in this "officer's" jurisdiction. Thus, you cannot be barred from boarding a flight.

 

I'm sorry to say that I feel you are being quite naive about this. If this person was speaking your native language, who's to say she didn't get a friend or family member to do it? You have a girl who freaked out over a jelly and fled a restaurant - do you really feel she's incapable of pulling off a stunt like this? She is not playing with a full deck, and she is surrounded by people who aren't either. It's very possible this officer is no officer at all.

 

Anyway. Stay No Contact. She's not who you thought she was.

[Meaulnes]

OP, what did this "officer" say would happen to you if you took a plane? What number did they call from?

 

As far as I am aware, you have not committed any offences. You are also not in this "officer's" jurisdiction. Thus, you cannot be barred from boarding a flight.

 

I'm sorry to say that I feel you are being quite naive about this. If this person was speaking your native language, who's to say she didn't get a friend or family member to do it? You have a girl who freaked out over a jelly and fled a restaurant - do you really feel she's incapable of pulling off a stunt like this? She is not playing with a full deck, and she is surrounded by people who aren't either. It's very possible this officer is no officer at all.

 

Anyway. Stay No Contact. She's not who you thought she was.

 

I also doubt he was a real officer! I just can't believe he was her new guy. But I don't know what to think anymore. The truth is she has showed me that she's a coward person, incapable of facing her problems, lives in a bubble and is overprotected by her mother since she was a child. What if she made up a whole different story where I'm a bad person?

 

After the whole conversation (in my language) where she told me leave me alone, you cannot see me, etc. she sent me the 'Don't contact me anymore, I'm at the precinct' message and I kept writing telling her she must've lost her mind. It was then that 'the officer' called me from her phone. I've checked the law of her state and a stalker is considered someone who annoy someone or just plan to do something that could annoy them. (I didn't plan to bother her at all. In my e-mail I wrote: you're not forced to come and see me but I'm going to be in your city, which is a big one, by the way).

 

The officer told me his name (I was too shocked to write it down at the moment and don't remember it very well) and the precinct he was calling me from. I've checked the place and it is near the university where she studies. There're two precincts there.

 

He didn't forbid me to take the plane. He just said that she had told them the whole story and that they would pass everything to customs and when I arrived there they would stop me and either send me home or put me in prison while the situation was clarified. It was my choice whether to fly or not.

 

She doesn't have any family nor friends (that I know) which speak my language in the new city.

 

I'm no contact since that moment and I'll keep like that. I doubt whether if she'll ever contact me or not but if she does I'm not going to answer. I don't want that kind of person in my life anymore.

 

After the phone call she also blocked me in Whatsapps so she completely vanished from my life. I was able to send her a last message from another phone and told her she wasn't a person worth fighting for, that she was a coward, that she had disappointed me and that I thought she was a different person. She read it but that was all.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Meaulnes

[Meaulnes]

Just a couple of things to finish my story:

 

- After the whole phone call scene I was really hurt. Either an officer or not she had showed me her true colors. How was she capable of doing that to a person she'd loved for 4 years and a half, lived together and going to get married with I'd never know. She never acted this way in my country. Nevertheless, I've realised that she made me a favor by doing this. She's an immature girl and she must have some kind of mental problems too as I cannot understand how somebody can spend so much time in preparing the visa papers, wedding and everything and then just throw it all away in a matter of days.

 

- We were kind of 'married' here. It's not the same but it's a paper which makes official our couple. The parents, of course, didn't know anything of this. After the whole police affair, I didn't want to have any kind of tie with her so I dissolved this union, asked for the papers, filled it and sent it via fax to her father's office. Why? Not revenge, I had to notify the break up to the other part and the only way was via fax. Attached to the official papers I put a letter (extra information for my government, so they could see what really happened) where I told how she had treated me: the sudden break up, how she ignored me, her bad attitude toward me and the police threats. I also wrote that she didn't value me nor all the efforts I did for her and that I hope that life will eventually teach her to do it with the people that surround her. I also wrote that she's completely changed and that she treated me as garbage.

I don't really care if she has to face all of her lies in form of these official documents with her parents. That's not my problem anymore. I had to notify so I didn't have any other choice. I hope that facing a harsh situation would make her grow.

When I received the official papers of the break up I brought them to the Immigration Office. She had a residence card thanks to being 'married' to me which eventually would give her the nationality of my country. Well, I also broke that up by giving them the official papers of the break up.

I don't want her to have any benefits from me in my country! After the police threats I just don't want any kind of legal bond with her.

 

- 2 days after her last message where she broke up and blocked me in Facebook (her mother too), her aunt added me as a friend. I didn't know what was going on and in this period I was still really confused so I accepted her. I still had photos of us and her aunt liked them! Crazy... She wrote to me and told me I was a gentlemen, a wonderful person and that she would have liked to meet me (we only spoke by camera). She told me that she thought that her niece had took the decision without really thinking about it and that she might be too stressed with her Master and work. That she hoped we both recovered from what has happened and that maybe we could speak about it in the future. Why did she tell me that? Why did she add me? I don't know. But it really confused me. After the police threats I deleted everyone, friends and family of her, from my Facebook.

 

- And, finally, the last 'joke' of destiny: a week ago the visa papers arrived at home. I received an official letter from USA embassy where they told me that they were pleased to inform me that the visa was accepted and that I could go to the embassy to do the interview and bring all my papers. I was really surprised. The only thing that misses is her father paper which she had to send me. So a lot of questions arised: Hadn't she cancelled the whole process? She just forgot about it? Her parents didn't tell her to cancel it? Of course, I'm not going to go and I just hid the letter. This whole story is so weird...

Edited December 19, 2016 by Meaulnes

[ExpatInItaly]

I also doubt he was a real officer! I just can't believe he was her new guy. But I don't know what to think anymore. The truth is she has showed me that she's a coward person, incapable of facing her problems, lives in a bubble and is overprotected by her mother since she was a child. What if she made up a whole different story where I'm a bad person?

 

After the whole conversation (in my language) where she told me leave me alone, you cannot see me, etc. she sent me the 'Don't contact me anymore, I'm at the precinct' message and I kept writing telling her she must've lost her mind. It was then that 'the officer' called me from her phone. I've checked the law of her state and a stalker is considered someone who annoy someone or just plan to do something that could annoy them. (I didn't plan to bother her at all. In my e-mail I wrote: you're not forced to come and see me but I'm going to be in your city, which is a big one, by the way).

 

The officer told me his name (I was too shocked to write it down at the moment and don't remember it very well) and the precinct he was calling me from. I've checked the place and it is near the university where she studies. There're two precincts there.

 

He didn't forbid me to take the plane. He just said that she had told them the whole story and that they would pass everything to customs and when I arrived there they would stop me and either send me home or put me in prison while the situation was clarified. It was my choice whether to fly or not.

 

She doesn't have any family nor friends (that I know) which speak my language in the new city.

 

I'm no contact since that moment and I'll keep like that. I doubt whether if she'll ever contact me or not but if she does I'm not going to answer. I don't want that kind of person in my life anymore.

 

After the phone call she also blocked me in Whatsapps so she completely vanished from my life. I was able to send her a last message from another phone and told her she wasn't a person worth fighting for, that she was a coward, that she had disappointed me and that I thought she was a different person. She read it but that was all.

 

I really hope you don't believe some random police officer has the power to refuse you entry to the country or imprison you, when you have committed no crime and made no threats. Whoever called you was no officer, and your ex put him up to it. Your ex has no idea what she is talking about. I would have laughed and hung up.

 

She is not a stable person. Keep all of her friends and family off your social media, forever. No, she probably didn't go to all the trouble to cancel the visa process. She figured this "police threat" would be enough to deter you. Who knows why her aunt added you on Facebook. You said her family isn't stable either, so I would stay away from every single one of them.

 

In the future, pay very close attention to the red flags when they start waving. There were signs along the way that your ex isn't a healthy, rational individual. Don't ignore them next time.

[Meaulnes]

I really hope you don't believe some random police officer has the power to refuse you entry to the country or imprison you, when you have committed no crime and made no threats. Whoever called you was no officer, and your ex put him up to it. Your ex has no idea what she is talking about. I would have laughed and hung up.

 

She is not a stable person. Keep all of her friends and family off your social media, forever. No, she probably didn't go to all the trouble to cancel the visa process. She figured this "police threat" would be enough to deter you. Who knows why her aunt added you on Facebook. You said her family isn't stable either, so I would stay away from every single one of them.

 

In the future, pay very close attention to the red flags when they start waving. There were signs along the way that your ex isn't a healthy, rational individual. Don't ignore them next time.

 

No, I didn't believe that. Throughout the whole phone conversation I was telling him that. I just decided not to take the flight because it wasn't worth wasting any more money on her (taxi, food, etc). Luckily, I was refunded part of the flight money.

 

It's true that I should've paid more attention to those strange signs. This irrational end made me realise that I've lived all this years along a total stranger, a person capable of getting rid of me in this disgusting way without feeling anything. I'm never again contacting anyone of that family nor answering any kind of message/letter/whatever from them. I wish that the visa letter is the last thing I'll hear from this story.

 

Anyway, thank you for your words and for following my whole story.

[Downtown]

Hi Downtown... I've just checked the 18 warning sings and I'm sure she showed me several throughout the whole relationship. [Your post today in Aria's thread.]

Meaulnes, which of the 18 BPD warning signs were very strong? I ask because the information likely would help me and others in responding to you.

[Meaulnes]

Meaulnes, which of the 18 BPD warning signs were very strong? I ask because the information likely would help me and others in responding to you.

 

Hi Downtown. First of all, thank you for coming here to discuss it with me.

 

So, apart from the strange things I told in some of my posts (her leaving a restaurant over a jelly, for example, although I don't think that's due to BPD), these are some things that I can recall. I numbered them according to their respective warning sign.

 

1. Throughout the relationship I've witnessed that she used to think of everyone as "all good" or "all bad". If some friends of mine made a joke about her or just told something she didn't like she would erase that person from her life. She did that with 2 of my friends and told me not to frequent them because they were bad influences. She blocked my aunt and cousins in Facebook and never again spoke about/with them just because her name was pronounced in a family argument my mother had with her sister and she heard about it. I'm afraid I may be one of those "all bad" person now and this makes me sad because I don't know what I've done to her.

 

However, all of her friends were 'good'. I couldn't say anything bad about anyone or she'd get mad at me. Even when she got treated bad by any of them she wouldn't say anything to them nor block them.

 

I don't know why she got the idea that my father was insincere whenever she was around and she started to hate him. And then, out of the blue, she didn't talk at all with him because of a silly episode which happened last summer. I had to convince her to talk to him because Christmas was approaching but their relationship was never as in the beginning.

 

This year she used to speak bad of them when I was with her in the appartment. I remember specially one night she wouldn't stop talking about every one of them: my mother, my brother and my father. I got angry and told her to stop because it seemed as if she wanted me to hate them.

 

When we talked about going to the States and I said 'Well I'll be back next Christmas or summer to be with my family', she'd say to me: What are you saying? If you're coming with me it's not to come back to Europe so soon. Moreover, if you're there you'll have to work all summer. And in Christmas we'll go with my parents, etc.

 

3. We were living in the same appartment but some days of the week I had to come back to my parents' house (15 minutes in car from the appartment) because I worked near there. Some nights I had to sleep in my parents' house and she used to put sad faces everytime because she didn't want me to leave her alone for the night. Lots of times I used to drive back tired to the appartment just to sleep with her. It was just for the night as the next morning she'd go early to work.

 

I remember her asking me "Do you prefer being here rather than being in your house, right?". She always wanted me there with her.

 

She got mad because I used to meet a friend every week and she wanted me to tell him to meet just in Fridays so she could make a plan and not stay alone. Finally, I stopped seeing him for whatever reason and she told me "you're doing right because he's not good for you, he's obsessed with you and wants to meet you every weekend". The truth is I lost some friends because of her. The sad part is I always thought she was so perfect and so good and so sincere and so generous with everybody that the others should really be bad influences. This happened the first 2 years, the last one was different. She was then cold with me as I told in my first post.

 

I am a private teacher so I give lessons to a lot of students. I used to speak with my ex about my students and one of them was a girl whose boyfriend was jealous of me (they're teenagers). I told this to my ex because I thought it was fun. Eventually she got suspicious and one day I was leaving the appartment to go to work and she told me : 'are you going to see your girlfriend, right?' I was shocked. I didn't know what to say at all. I even had to ask: 'what?' because I couldn't believe she'd told me that. Then she said nonsense and never explained herself. In those weeks, she also took my phone (I was with her) one time, opened WhatsApps and started to see which emojis I'd used recently, and told me: 'who were you using this one with?' She acted strange. This whole story coincided with that period in February-March when she told me I'd lost the magic and that things weren't the same.

 

4. She never appreciated ANY of my sacrifices... and I've made a lot for her and was about to make even a bigger one (to leave everything behind just for her).

 

It was me who took her to the hospital everytime she was sick (and this happened a lot this last year, sometimes I even thought she was pretending as she just said 'my stomach hurts, my stomach really hurts' but she seemed okay), helped her with the official papers and with her Master thesis (going to bed sometimes at 2-3), with the 2 moves she had while living here, etc. All of this just to receive this disgusting and awful end.

 

Last July I had to work on my Master thesis and was supposed to meet my teacher to talk about my work. Well, I cancelled that meeting just to be with her her last week in my country because we didn't know when we were going to meet again (5-6 months minimum because of the visa). By cancelling this meeting I lost the chance of seeing my teacher until September.

 

All in all, in her last weeks, she just wanted me for her, she didn't want to be with my parents around nor anybody.

 

However, I was sick this last year (it coincided again with that period February-March of the crisis), I spent half a week in bed in my parents house with high fever and she never came to pay a visit because: 'I've been recently sick and I don't want to be sick again'. Well, those other times she was sick I was with her, sleeping next to her and not caring at all if she passed the virus to me. She was really selfish in everything. I had to ask a lot of times for her help if I wanted her to do something for me and if she did it, she used to complain about it. And, of course, she never went to bed at 2-3 because of my work.

 

6-8. She would complain if I didn't take a shower in the morning. This was really strange, I mean, I can take a shower when I want to, not when she wants me to. So I had to take a shower in the morning and it had to be before her because if not, she was getting her hair done with the hairdresser and the hot steam from my shower bothered her... so in order to avoid this she used to open the bathroom's windows and this way the neighbours would see me when coming out of the shower. The mornings with her were crazy. Of course, I didn't listen to her. I used to wait until she'd gone to work to breathe and take my shower.

 

If I arrived at the appartment and I didn't take my sneakers off first thing after crossing the doors she would shout at me. 'Don't walk with your shoes in the appartment, take them off now'.

 

There're a lot of these little things, I recall now one time that she got really mad because I put the grapes in the fridge and they were still wet. 'It's incredible, I always have to be looking at what you're doing'. It was a silly thing. I mean, just grapes, and she shouted at me like if I had done something terrible.

 

I changed my behaviour when I was at the appartment because I didn't want her to get mad at me. It's strange, but when I was back at my parents' house I was so relaxed and happy in my room that I even felt bad about it. 'Why am I feeling like this? I should be happier with her, not here alone'.

 

9. She never wanted to be alone. When I was at my parents house (or even in the appartment waiting for her) she used to call me every time she was leaving work and I had to stop what I was doing just to speak to her and listen to what she was saying. If I didn't answer to the phone call she would ask 'What were you doing?', 'Where were you?', etc. The same happened when she was in the States in the summer.

 

It was also strange her behaviour whenever she came back from the States and met me at the airport. The first two years she kissed me in the cheeks as if I was someone she'd just met. She said: 'Ups I forgot, sorry', and then kiss me in the lips. The last years she was just cold and shy as if she didn't know how to treat me.

 

I don't know if my behaviour this summer and this September has made her think that I wasn't going to go there. The thing is I was doubtful, as I told in my first post. I was going to a different country with a difficult girl, all by myself. To live in an even smaller appartment. I wouldn't have 'my room' in my parents house to run away to. No friends, no family. But I did (and still do, that's the saddest truth) love her, I don't know how to explain this but I thought she was the one, my soul mate. We were really alike or that was what I used to think. I'm just writing bad things here but we also had great times together cooking, watching films, reading and having conversations about books, walking in the centre, having dinner outside and trying new foods, travelling, etc.

 

10. In her mind, she was never guilty. The truth is we never argued so much (I tended to avoid all kind of confrontation) but when we did it was always me who used to go to her and ask for forgiveness. I'm sure she thinks I'm the bad person now and the one who hurt her. If you've read my whole story her Pinterests quotes show that I may be right. I'm sure she's telling everyone in the States that it was my fault, that I forced her or who knows what. However, when she left me she told me 'You're perfect and it's my fault not yours'. But by judging her Pinterests quotes, it seems as if she isn't okay and is suffering/needing encouragement.

 

11. She was shopaholic. Always buying silly things for the appartment which it didn't need. Small decorations, all kind of candles... She also used to buy a lot of clothes. I mean, she's a woman, but I remember her spending like 150 euros in clothes one week and the next one the same amount in more clothes. I don't think that's normal. She used to look at me with a guilty face and acted like a child who's done something wrong. She was always checking clothes websites and looking for new things.

 

Remember now when I spoke about her & men. I guess she's been impulsive before, when she started kissing men. Some part of me thinks that she did have sex with that guy who took her to his appartment but she really regretted after and 'changed' her memories so that he was a bad guy who forced her. I mean, they were in a nightclub, they were friends, she liked him, he invited her to go to his appartment and she accepted. What did she think it was going to happen? I can't believe she was that naive back then. I've never really understood that situation but she didn't want to speak about it. Recently we heard about a rape story and she told me 'remember what happened to me...'.

She told me another story of this period which is strange: she went to the bank with her mother and the banker asked her to give him her phone and she did. They saw each other in his house and made out. I think this isn't normal at all.

 

13. At first she acted different. Maybe the girl I was falling in love with wasn't the real her and the real her was the cold one of the last years... I don't know. The first months she seemed interested in the music I listened to, but just a year later she didn't want me to put that music anymore. When I go out I drink sometimes ron and cola and she asked for the same at first. Later she would never drink, I think she didn't like it at all and just did it because of me. All of this are silly things, I don't know if they tell you something.

 

15. She was always stressed with work and the routine or stressed about which clothes she would wear. She would start getting really nervous when she didn't know what to wear and ran upstairs and downstairs. These 'crisis' confused me, I thought she was overdoing it.

 

I was always there for her, and she needed me. I could see that. With time I thought of her as a child who needed lot of care. I never thought she was going to leave me, I used to think that if ever, it would be me who'd leave her. Part of me was so stressed when she broke up with me because I saw her all alone in the new city, so weak, so fragile that I couldn't understand why she had done that. She needed me the first month in the new city, just a couple of months ago. 'I feel alone', she used to tell me at first or if I helped her with her work she'd tell me 'I don't know what I would do without you'.

 

18. Whatever made her hate me so much must be deep inside her head, because I was always helping her and caring about her.

 

I remember she used to be afraid before going to the States this year. 'We've never been apart so much time, it's going to be difficult'. All the cards she sent me this summer (In a month I received like 15. The same happened another summer) could've been a way to make her feel as if I was next to her, to control me or something? It's crazy because she sent me cards where she told me which things we were going to do together in the new city or one which depicted an old couple and said 'I want to grow old with you'... Whatever happened in that head, I'd never know.

 

The questions I have in my head now are 'Has she really loved me all this time? How has she been able, after all we've been through, all this years... to get rid of me in such a disgusting way?'

 

I don't know if I prefer her to be a bad person who has decided, who knows why, to erase me from her life for good (threatening me with the 'police' and blocking me in every social media) or a person with some kind of mental disorder.

 

I'd like her to have good memories of our times together, I'd like her to think of me as a good person, to remember everything I did for her and how much I cared about her... It may sound crazy but I cannot hate her at all even after what she's done to me.

 

And that's all, I've written a lot, I'm sorry. I got carried away.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Meaulnes

[Downtown]

Le Grand Meaulnes, thanks for providing that wealth of detail. It is very helpful. The behaviors you describe sound closer to those characterizing narcissism than those of BPD. Before discussing that distinction, however, I caution that the best I can do is to help you better understand what NPD and BPD traits (behavioral symptoms) look like. Because I've never met the young lady, I cannot tell you whether her NPD and BPD are at a strong and persistent level.

 

That is something you should be able to do on your own, however. After dating her for 4.5 years, you would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot strong occurrences of behaviors such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, selfishness, and always being "The Victim." Granted, you are unable to determine whether her traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic threshold for exhibiting full-blown BPD. But spotting strong BPD/NPD traits -- even when they are well below that threshold -- is not difficult.

 

Throughout the relationship I've witnessed that she used to think of everyone as "all good" or "all bad". If some friends of mine made a joke about her or just told something she didn't like she would erase that person from her life.

This black-white thinking is a red flag for both NPD and BPD. Both narcissists and BPDers rely on it heavily because they are too emotionally immature to tolerate strong conflicting feelings towards people who are close to them.

 

How has she been able, after all we've been through, all this years... to get rid of me in such a disgusting way?'

As I noted above, B-W thinking allows a person to flip instantly from adoration to devaluation (even hatred). It is strongly associated with BPD and, to a lesser extent, with NPD. By itself, however, B-W thinking is only one behavioral symptom and thus does NOT imply a person has a strong pattern of BPD or NPD traits.

 

Significantly, all of us tend to do B-W thinking whenever we experience intense feelings because strong emotions distort our perceptions of other peoples' intentions. Moreover, our brains are hard wired to immediately shift to B-W thinking, whenever we are startled or experience intense feelings, because it greatly speeds up our ability to make a decision and take action -- e.g., "jump left" or "jump right" when confronted by an oncoming truck or tiger.

 

It was also strange her behaviour whenever she came back from the States and met me at the airport. The first two years she kissed me in the cheeks as if I was someone she'd just met.

This behavior sounds like a red flag for a possible "object constancy" problem. Like B-W thinking, the lack of object constancy is characteristic of both BPD and NPD behavior (but tends to be stronger in BPDers because they are unstable).

 

As babies, our first lesson in object constancy occurs when we learn that mother does not disappear when out of sight for a few seconds. Then we learn that she doesn't cease to exist when out of the room for a few minutes. Eventually, we become sufficiently mature to realize that most people are essentially the same -- having the same feelings and thoughts about us -- from day to day. We realize, e.g., that our partner still loves us even when she gets angry or grumpy.

 

BPDers, however, are too emotionally immature and unstable to realize that. It therefore is common for a BPDer to perceive you differently when she is out of town and physically away from you. This object constancy problem is most apparent, of course, when a BPDer flips in seconds from adoring you to devaluing you. With narcissists, this problem is less severe because, unlike the BPDers, they generally are emotionally stable.

 

She wouldn't stop talking about every one of them: my mother, my brother and my father.

All controlling people -- e.g., narcissists, BPDers, and sociopaths -- will try to isolate you away from the support offered by family members and close friends. Such isolation makes it easier to control you. So, again, this behavior does not help you distinguish NPD from BPD red flags.

 

She was really selfish in everything.

As you know, this is an NPD trait. BPDers typically are not selfish "in everything." Granted, they can exhibit extreme selfishness, meanness, and vindictiveness while splitting you black. But they can be very caring and generous while splitting you white -- and when interacting with strangers, casual friends, and others who pose no threat to their two fears. Generally, a BPDer's problem is not being selfish but, rather, unstable.

 

She never wanted to be alone.

This trait is most closely associated with BPD. Indeed, fear of abandonment is one of its key defining traits. This trait nonetheless is also associated with NPD, albeit to a lesser degree. One of the 9 defining traits for NPD is "Needing constant admiration from others." But, again, this is just one behavioral trait and thus, by itself, does not establish a pattern of BPD or NPD traits.

 

She was shopaholic. Always buying silly things for the appartment which it didn't need. Small decorations, all kind of candles... She also used to buy a lot of clothes.

Her buying too many candles and clothes is weak evidence of a persistent problem with impulsiveness. Significantly, a lack of impulse control is a key feature of BPD behavior because BPDers lack the ability to regulate their own emotions. In contrast, impulsiveness is not a defining trait for NPD because narcissists generally are stable individuals.

 

At first she acted different. Maybe the girl I was falling in love with wasn't the real her and the real her was the cold one of the last years... I don't know.

If she were a BPDer, what you saw at the beginning was "real" but incomplete. You saw how the "real her" behaves when her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) are held at bay by her infatuation. When that infatuation started evaporating, however, both fears returned and you started triggering them. If she were a full-blown narcissist, however, what you saw at the beginning likely was fake and intended to manipulate you.

 

With time I thought of her as a child who needed lot of care.

Childlike behaviors and neediness are red flags for BPD, not NPD. Although "needing constant admiration" is a defining trait for NPD, it does not come close to the childlike behaviors of BPDers.

 

The questions I have in my head now are 'Has she really loved me all this time?

This is the first question asked by nearly all the abused partners when they come stumbling out of a toxic relationship with a person having strong BPD or NPD traits. If you decide that your exGF exhibited a strong pattern of BPD traits, she very likely did love you -- albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love.

 

Conversely, if you believe she exhibited a strong pattern of NPD traits, she likely is incapable of loving you or anyone else. A person having only moderate NPD traits, however, likely is capable of loving to some extent.

 

I'm just writing bad things here but we also had great times together.... The truth is we never argued so much (I tended to avoid all kind of confrontation).

Meaulnes, you are not describing the repeated cycle of push-away/pull-back that is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. As I noted yesterday, an essential feature of BPD behavior is emotional instability. Instead, you are describing a woman who "was really selfish in everything." That suggests stability and consistency.

[Meaulnes]

Le Grand Meaulnes, thanks for providing that wealth of detail. It is very helpful. The behaviors you describe sound closer to those characterizing narcissism than those of BPD. Before discussing that distinction, however, I caution that the best I can do is to help you better understand what NPD and BPD traits (behavioral symptoms) look like. Because I've never met the young lady, I cannot tell you whether her NPD and BPD are at a strong and persistent level.

 

That is something you should be able to do on your own, however. After dating her for 4.5 years, you would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind to be unable to spot strong occurrences of behaviors such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, irrational jealousy, selfishness, and always being "The Victim." Granted, you are unable to determine whether her traits are so severe as to meet the diagnostic threshold for exhibiting full-blown BPD. But spotting strong BPD/NPD traits -- even when they are well below that threshold -- is not difficult.

 

Thank you for your answer, Downtown. It was really helpful. Not many people know that great book, what a beautiful (though sad) story. I heard Fitzgerald got some ideas from it to write Great Gatsby.

 

I've recently learned about BPD and NPD so I'm still kind of confused with all of these disorders. But I think that I start to understand. I'm sorry if I'm not clear but the language barriers are evident. I wish we could talk about this subject without that problem.

 

I'm sure she must have loved me, at least at the beginning, the first 2-3 years, until this last year or so (even if we also had great moments). Why would had she come to my country for 4 consecutive years if she didn't love me? She had friends here but she came basically because of me.

 

The first six months of the relationship was in her 'Erasmus'. Then, she came back with a teacher scholarship to a city near to mine (1st year), she renewed it and asked to be sent to my city so that we could live together (2nd year). The 3rd year she started a Master in my city and started to stress. There she focused more in her studies than in our relationship, she used to be tired in the evenings and went to bed early. She always takes a lot of work and she doesn't know how to balance it (study, work, private tutoring...). The 4th and last year she just came because of me and to keep working here but she didn't have any other goal. She could have already stayed in the States that summer (2015).

 

Throughout the relationship she showed love to me. She used to leave me sweets or little things with notes/post-its in my room telling me how much she loved me before she took the bus to her city every weekend (the 1st year). She used to buy me things by surprise that she knew I liked it. She made surprise dinners, enjoyed my company and we had a mutual understanding. She said that I knew her better than anyone (more than friends or family). She also used to write and decorate notebooks or paper sheets with photos and quotes when it was my birthday, St Valentine's or our anniversary. She was attentive. Even this last year, I remember she wrote me 'Happy first day of Master' in a napkin and left a sweet next to it. I always liked those little things. Of course, it was reciprocate. I used to bring her flowers, buy things/sweets/chocolate for her or write her letters in which I called 'random days' (every day is special when you're next to a loved one).

 

When I say that she was selfish in everything I may have exaggerated a bit (that's common in my country and region, I'm sorry). If she was focused on her studies she 'ignored' me or just talked to me about that. She would ask me for help to revise all of her papers and her Master thesis (She did help me with my Master when I asked her but she would stress and I think she felt forced to do it). She wouldn't detach. I'd never known that side of her because the first 2 years she was working and she didn't have to work too much hours. Only when she started in university I realised the studies were primary for her. Is it maybe because of that that she wrote to me in her last message 'I ask you not to find happiness in a relationship but in following your dreams'? If she really thinks that why did she made all those efforts so I could be there with her? Preparing the wedding, my visa, encouraging me by telling me possible jobs or advices before going there, etc. Anyway, I think a normal person can balance both work/studies and romantic life.

 

She wasn't selfish on the monetary side, however. I didn't have too much money on the first years and she didn't care if she had to pay most of our expenses. She spent all of her money in us.

 

And then, I'd never been sick throughout the relationship, just this last year when it coincided with the crisis, and she wouldn't come to see me. However, she would care if I had a strange spot or a blister or anything and ask her father for advice.

 

Maybe she only has moderate NPD traits? Is it possible to have a mixture of the two disorders? Maybe I'm wrong and she has any other problem. Do you agree at least that she has some kind of mental disorder?

 

I've also recalled some other memories that could help you (and I'm going to finish here as I don't want to bore you):

 

- At first she used to eat everything when she came to my parents house. I don't know if she did that just to please but she seemed to like the food. This last year whenever she came to my parents house (rarely) she seemed disgusted. One time she said 'I'm starving today' and then when she had the food in front of her she wouldn't eat anything, wouldn't let my mother cook anything else for her but then started to eat avidly some bread. It was weird and these kind of things happened almost everytime she came by their house (as I said, rarely). Speaking of food, the first years she was healthy but these last years she started to get really skinny. Her clothes wouldn't fit her. I was getting worried, even my parents and some friends noticed. She used to say that she was always like that and that it was her normal weight.

 

- She would tell me 'You're handsome' and come and kiss me or cuddle next to me, she would want me close to her when we were in bed or she was cold but, other times, she wouldn't want me to approach her just because I had eaten yoghurt before and she doesn't like any kind of milk. That would happen a lot with different foods, even if I had brushed my teeth. She would discredit me sometimes. She would analyze me, I remember her watching me carefully what I was doing, sometimes I ever thought that she was psychoanalysing me. She wouldn't like me if I was unshaven just for a day or two (I don't know how to say it in English, but she would say that my 'beard' would bother her cheeks). If ever it was me who was angry she tried to make me laugh by doing silly things. I remember one time in the first months that she cried because I had made a joke about her and me in front of my parents and she ran upstairs crying and didn't want me to approach her. She never wanted me to watch her cry. Her irritations lasted 5-10 minutes normally. When we had arguments about the cohabitation (as I told before, I avoided it by doing what she wanted but at first we collided more), once I told her that I was going to leave the appartment because she didn't let me do anything nor breathe. She just kept quiet, not looking and me and made it seem as if it was my fault. That time, however, she recognised her mistakes (although she never changed). If I raised my voice just a little or she noticed I was angry because of something she had done/said she would tell me: 'Why do you speak me like this?' 'Why do you treat me like this?' and get mad. But then again, for example in the street, she would take my hand, smile at me and ask me to put my hands around her waist. She would like to do romantic things as going out for a special dinner or just take a walk by the river at night. She liked to get dressed and be pretty for me, she used to look at me smiling and wait until I told her: I like your clothes, you look wonderful. She used to ask me for advice, though it's difficult for me to give it with clothes.

 

- She always wanted to eat at a certain hour. I remember the first year that we went together to the States and took a trip. She would throw a tantrum if we didn't eat at the hour that she wanted to. She would stop and say I'm hungry, I need to eat. According to her she couldn't think nor to do anything if she didn't eat in that moment. It was excessive. She repeated the same in other trips in Europe. Finally, I just ate whenever she wanted to.

 

- This last year she was obsessed with the expiration dates. She would examinate every can, meal, everything. She did that even in my parents house. She was suspicious, she thought they would serve her something expired. I think this is the reason why she never wanted any kind of food from their house.

 

- She was also obsessed with the chicken bacteria. Whenever she had to cook it she became really nervous and wanted me to be near her, give her quick the soap and she didn't want to touch anything. Same obsession with cleanliness (this happened a lot, she was always cleaning something or doing laundry. Is it normal to do laundry basically once a day?). Her father is a doctor and she's afraid of everything. She's also a girl who grew really overprotected by her mother. She would never touch certain flowers because her mother told her so, for example. She was scared of everything.

 

- I've remembered some other things about the beginning of the relationship. I liked girls with jean shorts and told her. After that conversation, she bought one just to please me, I'm sure, and would use it with me. Later, she would never wear one and would say that she didn't like it. Another one: her hair is curly but she used to straighten it. One time I saw her in class with her curly hair and told her I preferred her hair like that (flirting back then). She would always come to class or dates with her normal curly hair. In fact, after that conversation almost all of my memories from those times are with her curly hair. When I remembered this to her lately she would say that it wasn't true, that she was having her hair as she wanted, not because of me.

 

-This one is an intimate one. Whenever she was in the States for 2-3 months in summer I missed her. The first summer she was sending me pictures of her in her pajamas and I asked her to send me some 'more' sexy pictures, which she did. This was repeated the 2nd summer and the 3rd one. But, out of the blue, the 4rd summer (2015) when I asked her she told me 'No. And please never again ask me that because I don't like it. You're my boyfriend but you aren't the owner of my body'. I was really confused. I told her 'Have you felt forced all this time to do it? I thought you did it because you wanted to'. I felt really bad and told her I would erase everything I had. This was weird, if she didn't like it she should've told me the first summer, not three years later. I'd never forced her to do it, just supposed she wanted to do it because she never told me anything. I finished that conversation by asking her if she felt forced to do any other things in our relationship. She said no.

(One of her arguments when leaving me was that when she had doubts about something during the relationship she didn't know that she could want anything else. This is really strange, I'd never forced her to do anything but it made me feel as if I had forced her. By the way, she kept saying 'you cannot force me to be with you' when I wanted to fly there (even if in my message and in that same conversation I kept saying 'You're not forced to anything, not even to come and see me'. She wouldn't read me.))

 

- In her last message (answering my previous one where I remembered her the good times, her being happy with the ring, the whole summer preparing the wedding and my move) she told me that I wanted to change her mind to make me happy and that it wouldn't work because she had already done it before. This is also strange, were she doing everything just because of me, she didn't feel it?

 

- Throughout the relationship, in the 2-3rd year, I remember me thinking that we were so alike that it seemed as if we were the same person.

 

So many questions unanswered that probably would never get an answer. Life is unfair. Everybody who know us, all of my friends, cannot believe what has happened as they think 'we were the ideal couple'. I cannot stop thinking about her, about us and the plans she broke in a matter of days. She's like a big child, I'm sure about that. Sadly, I don't know her anymore. I want to think all she did was without really thinking about it. I cannot believe she's a bad person that wanted to hurt me on purpose. She's troubled. If ever she wrote me, I wouldn't get back with her, because she hurt me so much... But the truth is I didn't want to lose her like this, in such an awful way, forever. I wish things had happened differently. I wish I would've known about her problems or noticed the red flags in time.

 

But above all, I wish I had known last July in the airport was the last time I was going to see her. I would have hold her tighter, would have given her an even bigger hug. That girl who seemed so fragile, who would eventually cry, and who was so sad because of the imminent flight but at the same time so excited because of her beautiful ring and our future prospects isn't the same girl of the 'police' threats, the coldness, the blockings, the ignorance and the bad ways. That girl from the airport is the last memory I'll keep from her.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Meaulnes

[spiderowl]

It does sound like she has mental health problems Maulnes. From what you say, she was not very supportive of you, was demanding and controlling, and did not appear to care for you. She was erratic and got strange ideas and obsessions. She may well have had another health crisis which has caused her to think differently. Whatever has happened, it was a crisis waiting to happen. However much you loved her, you might find someone else a lot easier to deal with. I am just sorry you have had to go through all this.

 

It sounds like her aunt is wise and has seen that her niece is acting strangely. Her aunt obviously liked you and thought you were a good guy. I don't get the feeling there was any more to her approach to you than that. She is probably sorry that her niece is behaving this way.

 

I don't believe break-ups just happen out of the blue. I think various things lead up to them. You were having doubts and those doubts translated into hesitations that may have led to uncertainties on her part too. All these things feed into each other until eventually something cracks. You unconscious mind was telling you something important, that it was a risk too far to go to live in America with her. It may have saved you from a lot more problems in the future. I know it is extremely painful now but as you have chance to reflect, you will see that things were not as they should have been.

 

She probably did love you in her way, whatever that is. I would not doubt that.

[Downtown]

I'm sorry if I'm not clear but the language barriers are evident. I wish we could talk about this subject without that problem.

Meaulnes, that's my fault, not yours. Like most other Americans, I'm language poor because I know only one. Hence, our ability to communicate anything at all is due entirely to your splendid knowledge of a second language.

 

I'm sure she must have loved me, at least at the beginning, the first 2-3 years, until this last year or so.... Throughout the relationship she showed love to me.

When your R/S began, she was only 22. At that young age, a person's desires and aspirations usually are still changing greatly. It therefore is common -- indeed, very common -- for people in their early twenties to fall head over heels in love with a partner for several years -- and then to gradually realize they have grown apart or they are no longer physically attracted to that person.

 

I don't know what happened to your exGF. But, if I had to guess, I would say she loved you deeply for the first 3 years and then found herself becoming less and less attracted to you throughout the fourth year. As she said last Christmas, she found that you "had lost the magic." Significantly, this loss of intense feelings -- in a 25 year old who had deeply loved you for 3 years -- is NOT a sign of mental illness. Rather, it is simply a sign of falling out of love, a behavior that is very normal -- especially for people that age.

 

Yet, because she still cared for you, she tried to avoid hurting your feelings by convincing herself that her loss of feelings for you was a temporary setback, perhaps caused by the stress/anxiety she experienced during that fourth year. Of course, it is possible she has mild to moderate traits of NPD and thus was only using you -- during that 4th year -- to help her move and take care of her until her return to the States. More likely, however, she mistakenly thought her loss of attraction to you was a temporary problem that she could overcome when the stress was reduced.

 

If this scenario is actually what happened to her, then I would say -- when she recently returned home to the States -- she finally woke up from the fantasy that she could restore her strong feelings for you. At that point -- i.e., after making a lot of wedding plans back in the States -- she panicked when she realized it would never work out and she would be destroying your opportunity to easily complete your Masters at the university you were attending in Europe.

 

Hence, her false threat of calling the police likely was done to minimize the harm to you. That is, the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt you further by allowing you waste money and time on a doomed trip to the States that was going to be very painful for both of you. As her last message said, "I exploded now but I would also have exploded if you have come here."

 

If this interpretation of events seems far fetched, I note that two of her last comments support it. First, her last message to you said "I ask you not to find happiness in a relationship but in following your dreams." As you said above, her dreams were focused on "the studies," which -- as you say -- "were primary for her." I therefore suspect that, when she came to her senses at age 26, she realized she was about to destroy your opportunity to quickly complete your Masters Degree -- a pointless sacrifice when she realized there was very little chance of ever restoring her feelings for you.

 

Second, she also said "We've started too young, When I read your letter (about two weeks earlier) I cried because the plans/future/etc you were talking about aren't the same ones I want." This statement suggests that she fell out of love with you during the fourth year because she was gradually having to face up to the fact that you both growing apart, i.e., wanting different goals in life.

 

 

Is it possible to have a mixture of the two disorders?

Yes. Indeed, the vast majority of folks exhibiting one full-blown disorder also exhibit at least one or two others as well.

 

Do you agree at least that she has some kind of mental disorder?

As I noted earlier, neither of us is qualified to determine whether she meets the diagnostic threshold for any mental disorder. But you nonetheless should be able to spot strong occurrences of the symptoms (regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold).

 

As we discussed above, you identified a number of behavioral symptoms associated with NPD. Yet, because all of us exhibit those traits to some degree, the important issue is whether her NPD traits are strong and persistent. Not having met her, I cannot answer that. Your earlier posts suggest that you believe those NPD traits to be moderate to strong. Your last post, however, casts much doubt on that conclusion because you've clarified your description of her, saying that you earlier overstated her selfishness issues by using English terms that are overly harsh.

 

Maybe she only has moderate NPD traits?

Maybe. Anything is possible. Yet, based on your last post (together with a few comments you made earlier), I suspect that you are confusing NPD behaviors with those of an anxiety disorder. I suspect you mistakenly perceive her strange behavior in the 4th year as evidence of "selfishness." I disagree. The following behaviors you describe are far better explained by traits of an anxiety disorder:

 

• Avoiding your parents' food, refusing to eat food prepared by your mother and then eating plain bread instead;
  
• Avoiding visits to your parents' house and seeming "disgusted" on the rare times she was there in the 4th year;
  
• Having frequent trips to the hospital for stomach problems, which "happened a lot this last year;"
  
• Refusing to help you when you were sick for fear of catching the virus;
  
• Running out of a restaurant when seeing "a jelly in the salad;"
  
• getting "really skinny" in "these last years;"
  
• Not wanting you "to approach her just because I had eaten yogurt" or some other foods, even when you had brushed your teeth;
  
• Throwing a tantrum if you "didn't eat at the hour that she wanted to;"
  
• Being "obsessed with the expiration dates," particularly with those on the food in your parents' house;
  
• Being "obsessed with the chicken viruses," evident in how she wanted you nearby to hand her the soap after she cut the raw chicken;
  
• Being afraid to "touch certain flowers because her mother told her so;"
  

I cannot believe she's a bad person, I think all she did was without really thinking about it. She's troubled.

I agree. You are describing classic warning signs for IAD (Illness Anxiety Disorder). IAD is a long-term condition that can fluctuate in severity. It may increase with age or during times of stress. But psychological counseling and sometimes medication can help ease the anxiety.

 

The American diagnostic manual (DSM) used to call it "hypochondria." That term is still used in the European diagnostic manual (ISD-10). In the States, however, that term is no longer used in the latest manual (DSM-5). People that had been diagnosed with "hypochondria" are now told they have one of two disorders.

 

One is Illness Anxiety Disorder, the label used when there are no physical symptoms or they're mild (as you seem to be describing for your exGF). The other disorder is Somatic Symptom Disorder, which is used when there are multiple or major physical symptoms. Mayo Clinic says the warning signs (i.e., symptoms) for IAD may include:

• Avoiding people, places or activities for fear of health risks [e.g., your parents' house];
  
• Being preoccupied with having or getting a serious disease or health condition;
  
• Worrying that minor symptoms or body sensations mean you have a serious illness;
  
• Being easily alarmed about your health status;
  
• Finding little or no reassurance from negative test results or a doctor's reassurance that you're healthy;
  
• Worrying excessively about a specific medical condition or your risk of developing a medical condition because it runs in your family;
  
• Having so much distress about possible illnesses that it's hard for you to function;
  
• Repeatedly checking your body for signs of illness; and
  
• Frequently making medical appointments for reassurance....
  

FearOf.com, a website devoted to phobias, adds two other warning signs for IAD:

 

• Depression is a major symptom of the disorder. Due to this, they may have weight changes, lack of appetite or conversely they might turn to food for relief; and
  
• Some patients tend to have OCD or the excess fear of germs.... As a result they might constantly wash their hands or bathe frequently to rid themselves of it.
  

[Meaulnes]

It does sound like she has mental health problems Maulnes. From what you say, she was not very supportive of you, was demanding and controlling, and did not appear to care for you. She was erratic and got strange ideas and obsessions. She may well have had another health crisis which has caused her to think differently. Whatever has happened, it was a crisis waiting to happen. However much you loved her, you might find someone else a lot easier to deal with. I am just sorry you have had to go through all this.

 

It sounds like her aunt is wise and has seen that her niece is acting strangely. Her aunt obviously liked you and thought you were a good guy. I don't get the feeling there was any more to her approach to you than that. She is probably sorry that her niece is behaving this way.

 

I don't believe break-ups just happen out of the blue. I think various things lead up to them. You were having doubts and those doubts translated into hesitations that may have led to uncertainties on her part too. All these things feed into each other until eventually something cracks. You unconscious mind was telling you something important, that it was a risk too far to go to live in America with her. It may have saved you from a lot more problems in the future. I know it is extremely painful now but as you have chance to reflect, you will see that things were not as they should have been.

 

She probably did love you in her way, whatever that is. I would not doubt that.

 

I agree with you in every single word you've written in that post. In fact, two days before she called me crying and asking for a break, she told me she was feeling as if she was getting a cold. She must've felt alone there.

 

I think you're right, my unconscious mind was telling me something that I didn't want to hear. I kept pushing it aside and putting obligations off.

 

As for her aunt, that may be the only reason she added me and spoke to me. She seemed to agree with what I thought back then: that her niece had took a hurried decision. But again, maybe not even the aunt knows her real reasons.

 

I know that she kind of 'made me a favor'. I feel 'happy' and safe here now and time will heal, of course. Nonetheless the blow was completely unexpected, it shattered my mind, it broke my plans, it made me feel powerless. I try to make me stronger by remembering my own doubts and her previous behaviour but I cannot keep her last actions out of my mind. I would have never thought she would be able of treating me like that.

 

Her decision wasn't out of the blue but the way she blocked me, erased me, ignored me and threatened me was. In just a week, after the phone call, she changed completely her behaviour towards me. I felt as if I was her 'enemy', someone she had to hate, ignore and forget. I was out of the picture and just the week before she was writing to me normally, laughing and talking about this and that. My theories are that she was just playing with me then or that she really wanted me there and something happened. I'll explain it better in my next post, answering to Downtown.

 

By the way, thank you for keep reading my story and for your words. I really appreciate it.

Edited December 23, 2016 by Meaulnes