oreocookie78 Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 Hi guys, Im new on here, but Ive been reading this for a while... I decided to write you and ask for your help because I absolutely feel like Im losing my mind here and I dont know what else to do... So please read all this, and please help, if you can....Im probably gonna ramble, so I apologize for that. I met this man... about 5 months ago ( he is 28 and im in my 30's)...We both said from the very beginning that we dont want a relationship...we kept talking...not everyday, but almost everyday...He's not a person that easily opens up, he's very private, but slowly he started talking to me more and more about his life...he seems a little arrogant and sarcastic if you dont know him, but inside he is just gold and super sweet :-) But i didnt know that at first so im thinking hey, he's not interested anyway in me, so after he didnt say anything to me for 2 days i blocked him (at that point we were talking for about 2-3 weeks.)...on everything- facebook,instagram, phone, whatsapp...everything...thinking he doesnt care anyway...a week passes and he phone messages me (apparently i didnt block that one:)) ) writing "hey, are you feeling ok? is everything ok?" I nearly fainted, so i wrote him back and we started talking again...and added eachother on all the social platforms again...After another month something, of course I had to do it all over again and yes I know Im stupid, but love makes you do stupid things sometimes...I noticed he was attracted to me, and i was feeling the same , slowly falling in love but, knowing none of us want to "get involved" i just broke down one night and just called him and told him a scenario about a guy i like, with crazy details ( i did not tell him i slept with the guy, just that i like him a whole lot), while crying on the phone for 2 straight hours...And I swear i felt his voice break and him also....he gave me all the advice he could , regarding me and that guy...and that was that....up to this point he used to "like" everything i posted on facebook...pics, songs...everything...and nothing after the phonecall...thinking he forgot all about me, I didnt write him or call him anymore...then after 3 weeks he freaking writes me again "are you good? is everything ok with you?" It just blew my mind...we start talking again (even though he was following everything i posted on fb anyway)...more intimate stuff- more about us...he starts sending me songs (really really nice love songs in private messages...and i replied the same)...we sent eachother tons of pics etc etc....fastforward to last month and a half....He doesnt live in my city...he lives 6 hours away...so i tell him there's a concert in his town next weekend, would he meet with me if i show up? (it would be the first time we met eachother) And he went absolutely crazy...we started planning and everything....and he started worrying like crazy...what if we dont get along, what if i dont like him, I asked him to stay with me for 3 days and he tells me he never stayed with anyone that long, what if what if....And i told him, its ok if we dont get along, you just go home, and everything will be just fine....And of course i show up and everything was absolutely perfect for 3 days...from all the points of view...and of course we didnt leave things at "just friends"...and all his "i dont want a relationship" went down the drain I think, because he was absolutely smitten with me....he guided me in the rain for 45 mins when I came back from the concert and couldnt find a cab ( he couldnt go with me because he had somewhere else he had to be)...we went all over the city in those 3 days....then sunday comes...and around 2 he said he had to go...I saw him sad and shaking and everything and he was supposed to spend the night, but he left...So before he did that i gave him a painting i did for him...and other things I knew he liked....and of course he gets home, opens the package and just goes absolutely insane....i told him if he doesnt want to come back its ok...but if he wants to, to just knock on my door.....and he did...around 5...He shows up, knocking at the door, with a huuuge bouquet of flowers ( after he swore on all things holy that he doesnt offer women flowers) and in his hand a bracelet i gave him (he saw it earlier in a store when we went to buy cigarettes so i bought it for him)...his hands were shaking really bad and he asked me to help him put it on...anyway, we have an amazing evening, we watched a movie and of course thing went "crazy" again:) And around 10 I sid something and he just got up the bed, and we said our goodbyes and he left....Monday I got home , we "argued" a little bit how he doesnt want a relationship( he probably said that 7 times under 1 minute- I think he was trying to tell himself that-not me) and we are just friends and everything....and we left it at that ...he barely talked to me for 3-4 weeks...but he watched my every move on fb...I put a ton of songs for him...and he replied with songs...I wrote him a letter ( a very nice sweet letter) in which...among other things I told him I missed him and that if he doesnt feel the same about me, to just block me on everything ...but if he does to say something...He never said a word...but he put pictures if he went anywhere...and i swear they were for me...he put songs...I wrote him yesterday in a phone message and he replied probably in 10 seconds...and today i asked him if he's ok....and nothing.... My bday is next week...on Christmas day...and i want to ask him to come...he knows my bday is on the 25th...I dont know how to do it though What if he doesnt? I was thinking, if he doesnt, to just go to his city after Christmas ( between Xmas and New Years) and tell him Im there and if he wants to have a coffee with me...He knows Im really really scared of flying, but I would do it in a heartbeat for him.. I know we both have fallen in love....I know he is very very scared of what he is feeling ( and i know the feeling- its frightening )...he's also very stubborn....and I told him I would do anything ...he refuses to delete me...and Im absolutely going insane, because...if he would just say one word....I would be there already.... I apologize again for the long post, but I really need your advice on what to do...Its obvious he likes me and he didnt expect me to be the way I was when we met ...and Im willing to bet he is also crazy in love with me....and its not the case of just leaving me hanging...or playing...he doesnt do that...if he wouldnt feel anything , I would be out of his life in a heartbeat... Thank you for reading all this and for any advice you might have and if you want more details, I have no problem sharing that. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 He is the chihuahua who only chases the rabbit if the rabbit is running away from him because either he doesn't know what to do with the rabbit if he catches it and/or he never wanted a rabbit to begin with but just likes to chase tail. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oreocookie78 Posted December 17, 2016 Author Share Posted December 17, 2016 He doesn't like to chase and I never said he knew what to do if we are together...Thats why he's scared.....he told me....he doesn't want to screw things up so he "prefers" not to try at all anymore... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 17, 2016 Share Posted December 17, 2016 When someone tells you 7 times they do not want a relationship believe them. I don't care what else they do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 ....Monday I got home , we "argued" a little bit how he doesnt want a relationship( he probably said that 7 times under 1 minute- I think he was trying to tell himself that-not me) and we are just friends and everything....and we left it at that ...he barely talked to me for 3-4 weeks...but he watched my every move on fb...I put a ton of songs for him...and he replied with songs...I wrote him a letter ( a very nice sweet letter) in which...among other things I told him I missed him and that if he doesnt feel the same about me, to just block me on everything ...but if he does to say something...He never said a word...but he put pictures if he went anywhere...and i swear they were for me... It sounds as if you're overwhelmed by your feelings for him, to the point that you aren't willing to listen to his viewpoint. I'm not reading from your story that he feels the same way that you do. He sounds like a guy keeping all his options open since he might (and did) get lucky, but with zero interest in having a committed relationship with you or making much effort. He told you when you first started communicating that he doesn't want a relationship. He's said that repeatedly the whole time you've known him. Even when you travelled six hours to sleep with him, he made it clear that this was not going to be a relationship. It's important to listen when a guy says this to you. Sleeping with him because he gives you a big bouquet of flowers doesn't change the fact that he sees no relationship potential here and that he "prefers not to try." Second, you're the one doing all the work and aside from that early message (asking if you're okay), you're taking all the initiative. He's done very little. A big bouquet of flowers is nice and all. It got him in your pants, from what you describe. But what exactly has he done? A message asking if you're okay? That's his effort??? As for posting numerous pictures on FB, I'm guessing you aren't his only friend on FB. I'm curious. What makes you think he's posting these only for you? What makes you believe that he doesn't send private messages to others? Fact is you live six hours away. You're doing almost all the work to move things along while he "prefers not to try." A guy who wants a relationship with you will progress things, especially since you've made the effort to travel six hours to see him and quite obviously you are very invested in this working. Instead of dealing with your fear of flying and traveling, why don't you step back and see what he does. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oreocookie78 Posted December 18, 2016 Author Share Posted December 18, 2016 I think you misunderstood and it's probably because I didnt explain it right. He didnt give me flowers and I slept with him after that. As for the effort, Im doing all the effort now, but before, he was doing everything.Almost. I did my part too,of course... He is a man who had quite a few experiences and he just decided to give up on love and not try anymore because what would the point be if it ends up in heartbreak anyway? And I think I turned his world and thinking upside down, because from this confident , in control guy, he became putty, everytime i asked him to do something for me or when we were together ....or even when I didnt ask him . We spent 3 days together and yes I thought maybe he'll sleep with me on Friday and then find an excuse to leave .But that wasnt the case, he was absolutely glued to me the whole time, we didnt just sleep together non stop the whole time I was there ( I actually expected to happen even more:)) )...We did a ton of other things ...we were just normal...doing normal things ( watched a ton of movies too-which is quite uncommon for us because we dont have time to do that in everyday life- just holding eachother). He went absolutely crazy when I got lost in the city in the pouring rain and he guided me to him, and he was just standing there in the rain, soaking wet, waiting.... I gave him the painting ( he saw part of it a couple of months earlier and loved it so i decided to finish it and give it to him) and other stuff when I though he left for good and he is not coming back. And he came back knocking on the door with the flowers and shaking and everything...He looked absolutely lost, scared, happy to be there....and just shaking and studdering....He lost absolutely all control and let his guard down completely and he got scared of what he was feeling. He showed me his phone, tol me all his life again in freaking 10 minutes , just absolutely rambling on and smiling and everything. He didnt say he doesnt want a relationship while we were together...On that weekend all he said was I think we should just be friends (when he came back with the flowers) , then after 30 minutes he just jumped on me , kissing and carresing me, my face, my hair saying how ca we just be friends? We cant Its a 6 hour drive to his city, but by plane it takes 50 minutes. He knows Im deadly afraid of flying and if i show up there in a week and a half he will probably faint, because he'll know i took the plane to come see him. The pics are not for someone else, Im willing to bet my life on...He doesnt have anyone else. All the pics he posts are super sad looking...and the rest he puts just to letting me know where he is or what he does ( he doesnt post much anyway...not he gets out of the house too often)He posted only 3 pics with him, but with the stuff he knew I like ( he has a beard, i told him not to shave it, so he puts up a pic, all smiling saying Santa is back - he knows i belive in Santa- dont laugh please, im a Xmas baby )) ...we talked about him getting braces, so he just put a pic grinning so i can see the damn braces and so on) He is extremely private and he doesnt just post for everyone....besides, I wrote him last week, if he misses me, to just tell me...or send me pics...or something...and now all this.... I know I completely $%^#$& it up with that phonecall 3 months ago, so of course he is scared now. And I know no one did anything for him or wrote him like I did, so yes, its a little hard to believe something like that is happening to him...I know, because I have the same way of thinking. How can I step back? What can I do? Should I go see him in a week and a half and not tell him? Just get there and tell him then "Hey Im here would you want to go have a coffee with me" and see what he does? I know it would be mindblowing for him if I show up. I was thinking of just go, see what happens, and then step back completely and just see what he does. What do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 He didnt say he doesnt want a relationship while we were together...On that weekend all he said was I think we should just be friends (when he came back with the flowers) , then after 30 minutes he just jumped on me , kissing and carresing me, my face, my hair saying how ca we just be friends? Friends or friends with benefits. If you are indeed in your 30's and he is 28 as you stated earlier, nowhere in any of this is he giddy about having a committed relationship with you. I don't want to try...I don't want a relationship (repeatedly)...let's just be friends... Again, none of his statements suggests a man even vaguely interested in a committed relationship with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oreocookie78 Posted December 18, 2016 Author Share Posted December 18, 2016 No, he never said FWB. I believe actions speak louder than words....Im living proof of that and he always preffered to rather show me through his actions than just say something. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 You're traveling to sleep with your "friend" who has clearly stated he doesn't want a relationship and "prefers not to try." What would you call that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oreocookie78 Posted December 18, 2016 Author Share Posted December 18, 2016 I didnt travel to sleep with him. Not by far. Please dont crucify me on here...I came on here trying to find a solution and asking for help, thats all. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkElephants Posted December 18, 2016 Share Posted December 18, 2016 I think you misunderstood and it's probably because I didnt explain it right. Translation: You aren't saying what I want you to say so let me explain it again so you'll tell me what I want to hear. Should I go see him in a week and a half and not tell him? Sure, that's not scary.... he doesnt want a relationship( he probably said that 7 times under 1 minute- Maybe believe him? I know we both have fallen in love.... I know he is v.he refuses to delete me... Its obvious he likes me Im willing to bet he is also crazy in love with me.. More wishful thinking that keeps you desperately hanging on. If wanted to be with you he'd be with you. You two are far too old to be analyzing fb messages for hidden love letters and playing games like middle schoolers. Your solution is to find a guy that's actually interested. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oreocookie78 Posted December 18, 2016 Author Share Posted December 18, 2016 Thank you for all the replies guys. Link to post Share on other sites
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