I don't feel like I'm getting any better

[StrangerThanFiction]

Like the title says, I don't feel like I'm getting any better. If anything, I feel like I'm getting worse and I just don't know what to do. I don't understand why this hurts so much as it was only a 6 month relationship. I didn't even feel this bad after the ending of my 7 year relationship, and this one ended relatively mutually. I didn't want the break up but he said he didn't see a future for us and that he didn't know what he wanted anymore so we broke up. I then found out from mutual friends that he was saying days after the break up that he was going to start dating one of his exes again.

 

I had noticed a few weeks prior that he had started to become more distant when we talked on the phone so it leads me to believe that he had already rekindled a relationship with her and that was the true reason he didn't want to be with me anymore. Our friends told me that he had told them that they had kept in contact over the years and my ex had told me once that he had never felt such intense feelings for anyone since her.

 

I should mention that he had moved back to his hometown in his home province back in early November to spend time with his son for the winter before he'd come back here in the spring. This woman lives in his hometown and according to my friends my ex had said that she is still as crazy as she was when he dated her before and has multiple kids from different guys now.

 

I guess all that really doesn't matter though. My problem is that I am just not feeling any better and I feel lost, stuck, and don't know what to do. I want to get over him and move on but right now it feels like I never will. That I'll never meet anyone that I will be as attracted to as I was to him. I've blocked him from everything and told mutual friends that I don't want to hear anything about him, no matter what it is, but I can't stop thinking that I might have to see him again if he comes back to my province because we work at the same company and that even if by that point I'm feeling better it will bring everything back. I feel worthless, ugly, and uninteresting.

 

I'm trying to keep from drinking alcohol and I'm planning on joining a gym and getting counselling on Monday. I've been spending a lot of time with my friends and they've been amazing and supportive through all of this. I don't know what else I can do and I'm losing hope for ever getting back to being truly happy again. The break up was less than 2 weeks ago and I know that's not very long but I thought that by now, especially since it wasn't a very long relationship and it had a lot of issues, that I would at least be feeling a little better. Sometimes the feelings are just overwhelming and I'm having a hard time coping. I've lost 11lbs because I just can't bring myself to eat much of anything besides a cracker here and there when my stomach starts hurting terribly.

 

What am I doing wrong? And will this ever go away and stop hurting?

[stillafool]

It just takes time. I'm sorry you are hurting as I've been there. Try to go out to eat with friends. It is easier to eat with someone else than to try to eat alone. I know your stomach is churning.

[MeadowFlower]

I can relate a bit to some of that StrangerThanFiction..

 

 

Also two weeks is not enough time. Just give yourself time, be gentle with yourself and focus on you. Maybe as a way to help, do things that you enjoy.

It will get better, though sometimes the pain may be rekindled even after you feel better. But just know that it will pass.

 

 

Keep going

Edited January 3, 2017 by MeadowFlower

[LuvMyDogMore]

I'm right there with you...in my case we were together 3.5 years and have been broken up for about 3 months now (with me breaking No Contact a million times along the way). I wonder when I'll feel better, when I'll stop caring that he's dating other women. I worry about drinking too much, running too little, eating too much.

 

And do brace yourself, as I agree with MeadowFlower: the pain will most likely be "rekindled" and maybe triggered by surprising things. I know in my heart I'll be better as time passes, but I'm ready to just get on with it and get on with my new life.

 

I'm sorry you're in pain. You are not alone.

[PLT]

The thing I've learnt is that it will take as long as it takes. there is no set number. Don't beat the crap out of yourself for not feeling better when you think you should be.

 

It's all to do with acceptance. Once you accept that there is no going back, I think it gets easier. It doesn't magically disappear. I still get upset if I start ruminating. The thing that pulls me back to reality is reminding myself of why it would not work even if we did get back together, and that it would only result in more games and end in more pain.

 

Although technically possible, people rarely change the core of who they are. See your ex as 99.99999% of people that can't, or won't change the core of who they are, not the 0.00001% that can and will.

 

There's also another way of looking at it. I shouldn't want my ex to change, just as she shouldn't want me to change. I saw her behaviour as controlling, manipulative, and abusive, but at the end of the day, if she wants to be like that, then that's my tough ****. I either put up with it, or not. I can't force her to change, even if it is my belief that it would be a positive change.

 

She believes that me being more subservient to her would have been a positive change. Of course, it wouldn't be, but that's her right to think that.

 

So, I just accept that I am unwilling to change in the ways she wanted me to, and she is unwilling to change what I wanted her to., therefore the relationship was doomed from the start. It doesn't really matter who is right or wrong, those are just the facts.

Edited January 3, 2017 by PLT

[PLT]

And also, I've actually decided to not even think about dating. I'm not looking for a relationship. That takes the pressure off and stops the thoughts of never being attracted to someone as much as the ex, which is a completely normal thought to have by the way. All I'm really thinking about now is what my day to day life is at the moment. Some hobbies or sports I would like to take up in the spring, places I want to go in the summer. Basically thinking about anything other than relationships, as that line of thought inevitably leads back to the ex. As much as I've accepted that there is no going back, I am not even close to being over her.

 

Once you feel indifferent towards your ex, THEN start to think about dating.

Edited January 3, 2017 by PLT

[MeadowFlower]

I think for me that it could work with my ex but only if he was hard core wanting it. I know we are different but yea I would like to get back with him. But wishful thinking.

PLT, you said you aren't even close to being over her, would you give it a second chance if she was fully in it? Not that it's any of my business and feel free not to answer of course.

[PLT]

I think for me that it could work with my ex but only if he was hard core wanting it. I know we are different but yea I would like to get back with him. But wishful thinking.

PLT, you said you aren't even close to being over her, would you give it a second chance if she was fully in it? Not that it's any of my business and feel free not to answer of course.

 

Hey MeadowFlower If she could convince me that she would put as much effort into the relationship as I did previously, and would do again, then yes, I would get back with her in a flash. I really don't think that will ever happen though. The things she would need to convince me of is a long list, but boils down to not being controlling and manipulative, and to not mess with my head.

 

That may sound simple to you and I, but my ex has done this for much of her 43 years, why would she change now when its far easier for her to just find another mug that's fooled by the "wouldn't hurt a fly" image she projects at the start. Us men can be basic creatures. We are all a sucker for a pretty face, a pretty smile and an attractive body. All of which is subjective anyway of course. She had plenty of male hangers on when we were together, once she publicised that she was single I bet a load came out of the woodwork.

 

I just know that she will be exactly the same with them sooner or later. I lasted 4 years, most of her relationships dont get to 2. She thinks its always the other persons fault and nothing she has done. I tried and tried to point out to her that it takes two, but it never sank in. Most blokes I know would have been gone at about the 6 month mark when certain things started happening, but I stuck it out and for a while it got better, but it was only for a while.

[Kelley]

I have been there, had the same thoughts I will never meet anyone like me ex, I will love him forever. He was the last thing I thought about at night the first thing when I woke. I thought I would never move forward. I put in the work, put me first and built my life back up without him. I didn't think about dating, or finding someone else, it was about me. I got to the point where I loved my single life, and then I met a guy. Guess what? Yes I'm attracted to him, yes I have growing feelings for him, yes I love his company and everyday it gets stronger. If you had asked me when I was devastated and when I was suffering with anxiety and in so much pain, if I would get to this point in my life I would have said no way. but here I am. Hard work and time, you will get there. And yes you will have what you had and more!