Feeling guilty about leaving

[karlw78]

I have been married for 10 years, in the time I have been with my wife we have had a son, however since May of this year i have really fallen out of love with my wife. It has been really hard to try to think otherwise but 99% of my time I just want to move out.

 

My wife is a lovely person, she has a good nature and is a great mum but for me the spark has gone out, I do not want to touch her or have sex with her as I am just not interested.

 

I have been looking on certain websites to look at rooms to rent that are affordable while making sure that my son and wife have a roof over their heads and all bills are paid for. This is about 65% of my wage while 30% needs to go onto me moving into a room/flat share etc so this leaves me with a small amount of personal cash

 

I am looking at January 6th to move out, but I am really worried about change, I really feel that things are going to get a lot worse before they get better plus I am worried about being lonely. Has anyone been in a similar situation at all?? I feel really guilty about the way I feel but for me the relationship is just not going anywhere.

[mrs rubble]

Have you tried counselling? Have you tried talking to your wife about your feelings? If not maybe try talking to her, she might put some effort into trying to reignite the spark. Why don't you want to touch her? Has her appearance changed?

[Jersey born raised]

Why have your feelings change ? I think your plan is decent ethical if there isn't another person involved. But you really need to try to rebuild your marriage.

[karlw78]

Have you tried counselling? Have you tried talking to your wife about your feelings? If not maybe try talking to her, she might put some effort into trying to reignite the spark. Why don't you want to touch her? Has her appearance changed?

 

Hi, thanks for the reply.

 

She does know that I feel differently about her, I have tried leaving a few times before but ended up coming back as I was staying at my parents and we do not always see eye to eye, there is a history there which is something that runs very deep over the space of 38 years. She has advised me about counselling but it would feel to me that I don't really want someone to try to convince me or brainwash me into loving someone that I just do not anymore.

 

Yes her appearance has changed, she is epileptic and when we had our son we had an extremely difficult pregnancy, the worry it caused was horrific for both of us, we have been advised by doctors that she needs to lose at least 50 pounds in order to give herself the best chance to conceive successfully and for her to have limited problems during another pregnancy, which was 7 years ago, she had 4 fits during the pregnancy for our son, obviously no fault of her own having epilepsy but she is not prepared to put any sort of effort into losing weight. I have tried helping as much as possible but it seems that there is nothing I can do to help her which is extremely frustrating for me as I feel useless. At least once a week she tells me she has had "a bad day" by consuming as much food as possibly setting her back days even weeks, its like I am waiting for her to get herself into gear but deep down I know it will never happen.

 

I don't want her to lose weight for me but rather she do it for herself in all fairness but it is difficult to have sex with her due to her weight plus it is not enjoyable. Being the one that has to perform is tricky when you have none of the important feelings going on.

[karlw78]

Why have your feelings change ? I think your plan is decent ethical if there isn't another person involved. But you really need to try to rebuild your marriage.

 

There is no one else involved, that would just be confusing if there was. My feelings have not really changed over night, I have been thinking of leaving on and off for quite a few years but the good times were outweighing the bad, its only been since May where I feel that I have realized that we are not going to have another child, she isn't going to lose weight and that if I stay and do not have a second child then I will end up resenting her and resenting myself for not doing something about it. If I leave then the "having a child" will of disappeared creating a huge weight off my shoulders.

[EveryWomanJ2911]

Based on what you've shared here I'm wondering if your wife feels a lot of guilt and pressure because she can't give you a child right now, and she knows that her weight is making her undesirable in your eyes. Maybe she over-eats because she feels helpless about everything...kind of like you do. I think that it would really be helpful to see a marriage and family therapist to have a fresh perspective on the whole situation. Maybe they have some suggestions that really do work for your wife to help her with her (most likely) emotional over-eating. She might benefit from this encouraging site: https://www.thehopeline.com/tags/eating-disorders/

 

Usually, once both partners in a marriage have an opportunity to really uncover what they are struggling with, then they can begin to move forward in a positive direction, with some encouragement from the therapist. Think of it more like coaching you both to have a successful marriage, instead of the pop cultural ideals that you see in the movies.

 

Wouldn't it be worth a try to you if you could end up happy with the person you married in six months to a year, if you each made small changes with a marriage coach, instead of a major change like ending things? You don't have to live in resentment, you can live in hope instead with the assistance of someone who can walk you and your wife through a tough time in your lives. And then, maybe things turn out really well and you see positive changes happening for both of you. That would be a great victory for you, your wife, and your son! Divorce is really tough on everyone and I'd hate to see you go through that pain and loneliness when you don't have to. Think it over friend...praying for you! Things can still turn out well.

 

~Blessings and Peace

 

You might find this site helpful:When You Need A Comforting Voice | A Listly List

[Popsicle]

I know it hard but you are doing the right thing by leaving. Just make sure your son and wife are taken care of and be prepared for a downgrade in your lifestyle but you will feel do much happier once the dust settles.