Do you think there is a chance of reconciliation?

[helloiloveyou]

Hi everyone,

 

My boyfriend (27/m) of two years broke up with me (27/f) three weeks ago, saying that his feelings about our relationship had changed. He thinks we are too different, and that he feels like he can't be himself because we are always compromising. He used to feel confident that we could work everything out and be stronger for it, but he said that now he no longer feels confident. He says that he feels like he doesn't have freedom and independence in the relationship, and that he doesn't know who he is and he doesn't know if he is having a quarter life crisis. He said that our ideas of time apart vs. time spent together are different. None of this makes sense to me because all couples have to compromise in a relationship, and I really haven't tried anything to restrict his freedom. He's really projecting because he had a controlling mom. He also said that he thinks I would have more time to do things on my own if I were single. Again, projection.

 

It was such a shock to me because we had been planning to getting married and living together, even until a month before the breakup. He was so upset as he broke up with me, cuddling me, kissing me, and not letting go. He said he loved me so much and that I was the best thing that had happened to him, but that he's worried that it won't work out in the future. He wanted to stay friends, and said that if we're meant to be together, we will end up together. As I tried to leave, he kept holding onto me, saying that he didn't know what to do and that he was confused.

 

A few days later, I spoke to him to try to reconcile, but he said that he felt like he made the right decision and that we should go our separate ways. He said that he loved me but that he couldn't feel the love in "in love" with me right now because of negative feelings. He said that he had a picture of our ideal relationship in his mind, but reality didn't match it. This seemed so naive to me. Who lives in a fantasy?! After five days of silence, he contacted me to let me know he cared and that he would do a "conscious separation" with a therapist like I had asked, if he thinks it would help.The two weeks after that was confusing because he would write in texts, in response to me, that he never wants to lose someone he cares about so deeply or his best friend, and that I am loved. He said that he never wants me to hurt, and that he cares about me and is rooting for me.

 

In the last couple of days, we have been emailing each other more about our lives, me initiating more, of course. He has said that he can't wait to come to a show of mine in the future (I'm an artist). So I guess the entire time we've been broken up, the longest we've gone without talking is five days.

 

Do you think there's a chance of us getting back together? I don't think he wants to get back together right now. He had been deleting a picture a day of us from Instagram, so now there is only one left and a few of just me, and he re-activated his online dating account two weeks after the breakup! It was so upsetting because we met on that site, and he was also using a photo I had taken of him. He deleted all my Facebook posts on his wall! I don't know what the deal is.

 

I'm hoping that as we exchange more emails and texts, we can start to rebuild a new relationship and eventually meet up for some dates. I have been following the advice of Christine Yangki Akiteng, a relationship advice blogger... do you think I have hope? What should I do to salvage our relationship? It's been three weeks, which is scary since it's almost been a month. I have been so, so depressed every day even though I have been doing many positive things like working on my business, moving into my new art studio, seeing friends, doing yoga, etc.

Edited December 18, 2016 by helloiloveyou

[Sweetfish]

Christine Yangki, i dont trust her advice...

 

You need to cut contact absolutely.... she advises you dont.

[basil67]

I don't think there's much chance of reconciliation. He sounds like he's well done with the relationship and is in the process of moving on.

 

He's being very unfair to you saying all the wishy washy stuff about the future. If he really saw a future with you, he wouldn't have let you go. I'd strongly advise you to go No Contact with him so that he can't string you along any further.

[Satu]

There's always a chance, but sometimes that chance can be so slim, as to be a poor vessel to contain your hopes.

 

It sounds very much like he's decided to move on, and is doing so.

 

His deleting of those images demonstrates that.

 

What you call "depression" in the latter part of your post, would be better described as sadness and grief. It's the pain of loss.

 

I strongly suggest that you refuse the "friends" proposition, as it will only cause you more pain, for longer.

 

It might assuage his feelings of guilt, but it won't benefit you.

 

 

To part now and parting now,

Never to meet again;

To have done for ever; I and thou,

With joy, and so with pain.

 

It is too hard, too hard to meet

If we trust love no more;

Those other meetings were too sweet

That went before.

 

And I would have, now love is over,

An end to all, an end:

I cannot, having been your lover,

Stoop to become your friend.

— ARTHUR SYMONS, “After Love.”

 

 

I don't think you're ready to fully sever contact, but you should as soon as you can.

 

Your destiny and his are no longer linked.

 

Sorry if all that sounds very blunt, but its what needed to be said.

 

 

Take care.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

From what you have described, your ex is systematically removing all trace of you from social media (not a good sign), and most significantly he reactivated an online dating profile a mere two weeks after the breakup.

 

Actions speak louder than words, and I'm sorry to say it but he has shifted you into the friendzone while he searches for new women.

 

Will he change his mind in the short term? I strongly doubt it. It sounds like he has an agenda, and that involves meeting and hooking up with other women.

 

In the long term? Maybe, if it is just about sowing his wild oats before settling down, he might come crawling back telling you he made a mistake.

 

However, knowing the reasons why he threw away your relationship to begin with might make you feel too disgusted by him to ever give him another chance.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you a more optimistic answer, but I suspect once you have begun to heal you will realize you are better off without him going forward.

[DKT3]

Men tend to grow I chunks. What I mean by this is between the age of 13ish to 18ish we go pretty much unchanged mentally or emotionally. Then we do, kinda suddenly. Then we stall again until 23-24ish then again 27-30 at which point we really become marriage and family focused.

 

I fear for you that he doesn't view you as the partner he wants to enter that stage with.

 

If you have any shot it would be by leaving him alone, moving on with your life. Maybe he will realize you shared something special.

 

I know it's hard, but you need to start detachment, I think it's slim that he will return.

[Pete2304]

As anyone who has read a few of my posts here would tell you, I'm often of the mindset that things can be fixed. Honestly though, from reading your story, I don't think this will fix. Of course you will accept his friendship in the hope it leads to more and at some point maybe it will. You might end up sharing more than a conversation at some point but he doesn't love you anymore. I know that is gut wrenching but in all honestly I think you know it too. I'm very sorry this is happening to you and wish you all the best. Keep posting on here, there's a lot of good people about who will listen and try and help.

[helloiloveyou]

It's so sad to hear this from everyone... but maybe it's true. Thank you to all those who replied.

 

Something he had told me while breaking up with me was that he has a lot of self-hatred, feels isolated, and has a lot of issues, and that he needs to take care of these things. He struggles with extreme loneliness and a residual eating disorder. He said he couldn't do these things, expand his social circle, and take care of his issues while in a relationship with me. He had been having a panic attack from loneliness during one weekend shortly before we broke up, when I didn't come over on a Saturday like I usually do. He struggles with an anxiety disorder, which I admit was really hard for me to deal with. He seemed so unhappy. He is always stressed and needs to move so fast all the time, whereas I am pretty laid back and stable. He said that we had different paces to life and different travel styles (the "differences" he cited as the reason to break up).

 

He had gone through a lot of changes this year, including a stressful new job that required him to travel a lot, and moving into an apartment alone without roommmates, which made his loneliness worse. He always wants to please people and get people's approval, which makes him so unhappy. He told me during breaking up that he regretted never communicating his needs more clearly, but that he had been afraid I would leave him if he communicated! Which makes no sense to me since I would have never left him!

 

I had been encouraging him to seek therapy for a while, but he always said he would rather read self-help books since he doesn't have time. Just around the time we were breaking up, he seemed to be looking for one.

 

Something I am hoping is that he is just having some kind of quarter-life crisis, as he described he might be having, and that is why he made the poor judgement of breaking up with me. I am hoping he will come to his senses and regret throwing away such a supportive and loving relationship.

 

What do you think of this new information? Does it change your judgement of the situation at all?

Edited December 18, 2016 by helloiloveyou

[benpom]

What do you think of this new information? Does it change your judgement of the situation at all?

 

My 2 cents:

 

There may be a tiny chance of reconciliation, but only when he can clearly sense you no longer care about what he is up to. Even then, just a small chance.

 

Lack of chemistry is the biggest obstacle towards reconciliation, even bigger than infidelity.

[angel.eyes]

Unfortunately, you're stringing yourself along with the hope that he may come to his senses and see how great you are. He's clearly moved on...new job, new apartment, new dating profile, and your relationship essentially erased from his social media.

 

I understand that you want to keep the lines of communication open in case he changes his mind or possibly to nudge him to change his mind. But you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Please go no contact. Based on everything he's said and done around the breakup, he's done and moving on with his life. You really need to start your own healing process.

[helloiloveyou]

Unfortunately, you're stringing yourself along with the hope that he may come to his senses and see how great you are. He's clearly moved on...new job, new apartment, new dating profile, and your relationship essentially erased from his social media.

 

I understand that you want to keep the lines of communication open in case he changes his mind or possibly to nudge him to change his mind. But you're doing yourself a huge disservice. Please go no contact. Based on everything he's said and done around the breakup, he's done and moving on with his life. You really need to start your own healing process.

 

Thanks for your reply. He had a new job and apartment before we broke up. I was trying to say that he was having a hard time coping with all the transitions which made him stressed out about life... which I think may have contributed to our breakup.

 

But yes, I think maybe I'm hurting myself more in the long run by keeping in contact with him? I'm just afraid of what might have been, if I cut off contact.

[angel.eyes]

He's approaching thirty. Rather than precipitating your breakup, I suspect the new job, new apartment, losing the roommates, etc. were simply other steps in the same process to move his life to where he sees his future. He's online looking for the person he feels will be compatible with that future.

 

It's heartbreaking to have someone you saw a future with break up with you and tell you you're too different. But unfortunately, he no longer sees you as compatible with his future.

[Sweetfish]

It's so sad to hear this from everyone... but maybe it's true. Thank you to all those who replied.

 

Something he had told me while breaking up with me was that he has a lot of self-hatred, feels isolated, and has a lot of issues, and that he needs to take care of these things. He struggles with extreme loneliness and a residual eating disorder. He said he couldn't do these things, expand his social circle, and take care of his issues while in a relationship with me. He had been having a panic attack from loneliness during one weekend shortly before we broke up, when I didn't come over on a Saturday like I usually do. He struggles with an anxiety disorder, which I admit was really hard for me to deal with. He seemed so unhappy. He is always stressed and needs to move so fast all the time, whereas I am pretty laid back and stable. He said that we had different paces to life and different travel styles (the "differences" he cited as the reason to break up).

 

He had gone through a lot of changes this year, including a stressful new job that required him to travel a lot, and moving into an apartment alone without roommmates, which made his loneliness worse. He always wants to please people and get people's approval, which makes him so unhappy. He told me during breaking up that he regretted never communicating his needs more clearly, but that he had been afraid I would leave him if he communicated! Which makes no sense to me since I would have never left him!

 

I had been encouraging him to seek therapy for a while, but he always said he would rather read self-help books since he doesn't have time. Just around the time we were breaking up, he seemed to be looking for one.

 

Something I am hoping is that he is just having some kind of quarter-life crisis, as he described he might be having, and that is why he made the poor judgement of breaking up with me. I am hoping he will come to his senses and regret throwing away such a supportive and loving relationship.

 

What do you think of this new information? Does it change your judgement of the situation at all?

 

 

Most likely he will be back...

 

But your going to proceed with no contact and become jaded.

 

Thats my take on the situation.

 

Recons happen all the time...

[angel.eyes]

Will they yo-yo back and forth for a while? Possibly. Will he marry her as the OP was hoping and planning? No.

[ExpatInItaly]

He may well have some anxiety and other mental health issues, but I don't think that's what is really behind his decision.

 

I think he is being honest that his feelings changed and he doesn't believe you're the right match anymore. He's definitely open to the possibility of a relationship, if he's already activated his online dating profile. It's very hurtful but it seems he's just no longer in love. Yes, this does happen.

 

For what it's worth, I don't really buy into the notion of quarter-life crisis. I think that's something dumped parties conceived of to explain why some young men in their 20s suddenly leave relationships. But I feel it's more likely down to the fact that a lot people in that age group are not ready to settle down and commit to one person forever yet. Trust me, I wanted to believe in it when a previous relationship of mine suffered a major roadback when my ex was around the same age as yours. He too had been experiencing a lot of transition and stress, and we had also been talking about our future together, but the truth was simply that our relationship had run its course. We didn't finally split until a couple of years after he has this "crisis" but it would have happened anyway.

 

Stop emailing him and initiating contact. If he continues to contact you, remind him that you are no longer his girlfriend that being touch right now is too painful; you can tell him to reach out only if he wishes to discuss reconciliation. As for going to a therapist together to navigate the breakup, or remaining best friends? No to both. You can certainly see a therapist on your own, but going with him is pointless. Staying in close contact will likely also come back to bite you. Imagine finding out that he can't talk to you some night because he's on a date - you won't really feel like being friends then.

 

It's not impossible that he will be back, but it doesn't seem very likely here. Operate only on the knowledge that the relationship is currently over. It's never a good idea to act based on "what-ifs?"