He cheated and now there's a baby on the way 😐

[sharz7931]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this message board thing. I'm from new zealand. Me and my partner have 2 young children together.

 

In April things wernt good, he lost his job, things were a financial struggle to the point I took the kids and moved to my parents until August (I moved back, to which when I moved back he said he was finally getting used to me not living with him).

We were still in a relationship - living in the same town, while i wasnt living with him we would see each other in the weekends I'd take the kids and stay at his from a Friday - Sunday night, as I was doing a hairdressing course during the week.

 

So to cut a long story short.

 

In November i decided to go a have a drink with my friend (who I met in Feb that does same course as me, we car pool to the next town, for course). She then tells me she had something to tell me, she mentioned that she had only just found out from her aunty....that her niece(my friends cousin) is having my partners baby. Obviously I went home after that and confronted him. Sure enough he said 'yes, but we wernt together' (to this day he still says this).

 

We WERE TOGETHER WE WERE NEVER OVER.

 

He says she told him her tubes were tied (she has four other children not in her care - as she is a druggie). He told me during the 'affair' she told him then discussed a abortion and both agreed on it. Obviously this didn't happen as after I found out she said she has told her family, she usbt answerable to anyone and she felt like a murderer and couldn't go through with the abortion and that she was moving to perth in a few days time(don't understand how as she is on a benefit???) and that she isn't putting a name down on the child's birth cert..nor does he have to have contact.

 

He was still having sex with her while I moved back in with him.

 

Apparently, she was having sex with two other guys as well as him(unsure if it's true, he was told this by someone).

 

This news has been soooo hard to deal with I nearly failed my course as I had 1wk left to go when i found this devastating news out.

 

I told him I would stay but I dont have the tools to deal with this, I dont know how to feel or act.... As he doesn't even seem to be remorseful says he just wants to leave it in the past. No effort has been made. Anyone else been in this position? How did you deal with it? What do I do???

[Mr. Lucky]

You have to be careful during a separation, "I'm moving back to my mom's place" means different things to different people. Without set ground rules, there's obvious potential for misunderstanding.

 

Why would you agree to stay and deal with 18 years of baby mama drama? Doesn't sound like a happy ending coming...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beautifulinside2]

Why did you move back with him? Does he now have stable employment? Was this after you found out about the affair?

 

Go back and live with your parents, get an STD test and use your newly acquired skills to get a job and save some money. Doesn't look like anything good can come to you or your kids by staying with him. Clearly he is not very supportive or faithful.

Edited December 19, 2016 by beautifulinside2

[Miss Clavel]

i think you are going to have to find her and talk to her.

 

is she really still pregnant? is she using drugs while she's pregnant? (you will have to report her to the authorities). what does she want to do with your husbands baby after it's born? is she keeping it and where or is she giving it away, and to whom? where are the others she's dropped, along the way?

 

the child may be related to your children and look at it this way, if it's healthy and she doesn't want it, you've got a bouncing new fat baby without any morning sickness or stretch marks.

 

keep the kid, sue for child support for all of his children, lose the parents.

 

or. let him stick his head in the sand and ignore her until she turns up on your doorstep with a sick, damaged child and her hand out.

 

in this situation i would not want to be any of you, however, a healthy, sweet smelling baby might be some compensation.

 

he should move out. you keep the house and have him pay for it.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[mrs rubble]

Hi Sharz, I'm from New Zealand too. :-)

If her kids are in CYFS care, the one she is carrying will be taken by them too. Is your bf a druggie too? I'd assume so if I were you because he's obviously hanging out with druggies. The fact he's so blasé and unremorseful makes me think he has a meth fuelled ego. If he is on drugs, you need to keep your kids away from him until he cleans his act up.

I really don't understand why your holding out for him, he has been unfaithful and he's unremorseful, he's not showing you any respect or putting any effort to fix the situation.

I agree with beautifulinside2, get an STD screen done and go back to your parents place and save some money. I don't think you have anything worthwhile to gain by staying with him and I get the feeling he's a whole lot worse than you're letting onto us.

Congrats on passing your course! (my son did hairdressing last year too.)

Wishing you well.

[Danny32]

Hi,

 

I'm new to this message board thing. I'm from new zealand. Me and my partner have 2 young children together.

 

In April things wernt good, he lost his job, things were a financial struggle to the point I took the kids and moved to my parents until August (I moved back, to which when I moved back he said he was finally getting used to me not living with him).

We were still in a relationship - living in the same town, while i wasnt living with him we would see each other in the weekends I'd take the kids and stay at his from a Friday - Sunday night, as I was doing a hairdressing course during the week.

 

So to cut a long story short.

 

In November i decided to go a have a drink with my friend (who I met in Feb that does same course as me, we car pool to the next town, for course). She then tells me she had something to tell me, she mentioned that she had only just found out from her aunty....that her niece(my friends cousin) is having my partners baby. Obviously I went home after that and confronted him. Sure enough he said 'yes, but we wernt together' (to this day he still says this).

 

We WERE TOGETHER WE WERE NEVER OVER.

 

He says she told him her tubes were tied (she has four other children not in her care - as she is a druggie). He told me during the 'affair' she told him then discussed a abortion and both agreed on it. Obviously this didn't happen as after I found out she said she has told her family, she usbt answerable to anyone and she felt like a murderer and couldn't go through with the abortion and that she was moving to perth in a few days time(don't understand how as she is on a benefit???) and that she isn't putting a name down on the child's birth cert..nor does he have to have contact.

 

He was still having sex with her while I moved back in with him.

 

Apparently, she was having sex with two other guys as well as him(unsure if it's true, he was told this by someone).

 

This news has been soooo hard to deal with I nearly failed my course as I had 1wk left to go when i found this devastating news out.

 

I told him I would stay but I dont have the tools to deal with this, I dont know how to feel or act.... As he doesn't even seem to be remorseful says he just wants to leave it in the past. No effort has been made. Anyone else been in this position? How did you deal with it? What do I do???

 

i'm going through a similar situation with my spouse. He had an affair and the other woman is pregnant. It has been the worse time of my life considering I have no children and looked forward to sharing this experience with my spouse. My spouse is very remorseful but he has caused me a great deal of humiliation and pain. I would suggest your partner get a DNA test first to make sure it's his child. If the mother does not want him to be involved and he agrees, then they can both move on. However, the child will eventually ask about their father. If you guys work things out just realize that this could potentially be a problem for many years to come. Just take time for yourself and think about if you really want to continue the relationship at this point. That's what I'm doing with my marriage. If you do continue with the relationship, set some ground rules and expectations for moving forward. I would also suggest counseling because it can really be helpful for situations like this. Good Luck!

[SaltAndLight]

Wow! That's definitely a lot to deal with! My question to you would be: Do you want to deal with it? Do you feel like you love him and want him enough to take on this size of a burden? Would you be okay with things even if he never shows remorse? If he decides he does want to be a part of the babies life, could you deal with it and still genuinely love him and the baby?

If your answer to any of these questions is no.... then you need to move o and leave all the details to him and her. I understand that even in moving on, you will still have to deal with the pain of betrayal and heartbreak for a while.. but i believe it will all be okay once you move on. There is nothing tying you to this man, as you are not married to him. Chin up and make the best decision of you and your peace of mind!

[ThreeRainbows]

It's up to you. But one thing's for certain:

 

He will do this again and again and again and again and again.....

 

There is an unfilled need that is driving the cheating behavior, and until he is ready to "grow up," and fill his need with the one thing that can fill it (self-love), it will just keep happening.

 

I think maybe you need to get in touch with your emotions more. There's a lot of unacknowledged hurt, possibly.

 

Respect yourself. Leave. And then watch him grow from a distance from the heartbreak

[LexiCat29]

i'm going through a similar situation with my spouse. He had an affair and the other woman is pregnant. It has been the worse time of my life considering I have no children and looked forward to sharing this experience with my spouse. My spouse is very remorseful but he has caused me a great deal of humiliation and pain. I would suggest your partner get a DNA test first to make sure it's his child. If the mother does not want him to be involved and he agrees, then they can both move on. However, the child will eventually ask about their father. If you guys work things out just realize that this could potentially be a problem for many years to come. Just take time for yourself and think about if you really want to continue the relationship at this point. That's what I'm doing with my marriage. If you do continue with the relationship, set some ground rules and expectations for moving forward. I would also suggest counseling because it can really be helpful for situations like this. Good Luck!

 

I've been cheated on and I know how much it hurts but...seriously? You're calling a completely innocent baby a 'problem'? It's not the kids faults that your husbands couldn't keep it in their pants.

 

You are definitely not even close to ready for parenthood if this is how you want to treat a child. It's incredibly selfish and gross to shrug off a father abandoning his kid just for the sake of not making you uncomfortable.

 

Don't punish an innocent baby for your husbands idiocy.

[SoleMate]

Danny32, please start your own thread so we can get the right advice to the right person. Thank you!

[Danny32]

Danny32, please start your own thread so we can get the right advice to the right person. Thank you!

 

I already started my own thread, it's 4 pages long. It's titled My Husbands mistress is pregnant.

[Danny32]

I've been cheated on and I know how much it hurts but...seriously? You're calling a completely innocent baby a 'problem'? It's not the kids faults that your husbands couldn't keep it in their pants.

 

You are definitely not even close to ready for parenthood if this is how you want to treat a child. It's incredibly selfish and gross to shrug off a father abandoning his kid just for the sake of not making you uncomfortable.

 

Don't punish an innocent baby for your husbands idiocy.

 

Not sure if you're referring to me or the OP. However, I would not put down an innocent child that didn't ask to be born. However, this woman's situation is somewhat similar to mine with the OW being pregnant. I used the word "problem" because if she stays with him and the baby is his that could cause them further problems within their relationship. That's why I myself am really taking time to see if I want to deal with my husbands love child situation or just file for divorce. You can't blame the child but the situation is messed up because two people were selfish and decided to change someone's life with their irresponsible choices. When situations like this happen and the woman decides to stay there can be problems. For example dealing with the childs mother who may be difficult, visitation with the child at your home and constantly being reminded of the betrayal, etc. That's why I told her to really think about it. If she continues a relationship with this guy and the baby is his she will have to forgive and accept the child 100% and I will have to do the same in my marrige as well. If she does not feel she can do this she will need to move on. I would never suggest anyone mistreat an innocent child regardless of the situation. So don't jump to conclusions and calm down!

Edited December 25, 2016 by Danny32

[OatsAndHall]

Move out. Get double and triple checked for STDs and move on. Make sure the kids are safe if he's hanging out with druggies and just get the hell out.