In so much pain

[cloche]

Today, while doing some last minute Christmas shopping at the mall, I walked past a couple sitting out in the atrium. As I neared them, I recognized him; her husband, T. He smiled politely, even raised his hand slightly as if to say "hey, how's it going?"

 

I nodded in acknowledgement - he's always known - and glanced across to see her smile enigmatically at me before returning her attention to her phone.

 

They looked content together - happy, even.

 

I kept on walking, but once well out of sight, collapsed against a wall and the tears came.

 

Three years later and the pain of seeing her is still horrendous - almost unbearable. She burns in my brain, even now.

 

How can I still be in love with her, this deeply damaged woman who has brought me nothing but misery? I wish I had never met her.

[Chica80]

I'm so sorry, my heart breaks reading your post. Sending you ((((((hugs)))))).

[spideywoman]

Me too. I feel your pain. You're not alone. Sending you virtual support.

[Poppy47]

YOu are not alone in your pain Cloche.

 

I was thinking today of Christmases past. xMM would always deliberately distance himself from me, as if I were something that he didn't want to be reminded of at this time of the year.

 

Memories are still with me. I let them come and go. After all they are just memories.. ghosts.

 

Poppy.

[freengreen]

There there... let the pain flow, just keep an eye on it not to affect you more than few tears.

 

You are faar from being alone.

[Cephalopod]

You got used.

 

Learn from it and never get in that situation again.

[Lillyp32]

Your post brought me to tears. I could feel your pain and heart break. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. We all carry that same pain. Sending you BIG ((((hugs))))

[cloche]

Thank you, all. It does actually help a little to hear you say this.

 

Cephalopod: blunt and to the point as always; though I suspect you are right. Used for What though? I don't think I'll ever really understand that...

 

I Was incredibly naïve throughout the affair, though. In this sense I got exactly what I deserved. It took me Years to work out what those around me saw clearly from very early on: that despite all she was telling me, she had no intention whatsoever of leaving him. No, she wanted Him to leave Her.

 

I trusted her completely - bought into her curiously isolated and warped view of the world - she subtly encouraged me to feel sorry for her - her miserably unhappy marriage - his abusiveness - her narcisstic father from whom she is now estranged - and on and on...I lapped it all up - and in so doing, found myself increasingly surrendering my own sense of self to her, my life becoming more and more compromised for the sake of the affair .

 

I'm sorry; I'm boring even myself.

 

Poppy/freengreen: just memories/just tears: unfortunately, no. The experience has cost me dearly: I've lost something of myself along the way - my sense of optimism and my willingness to trust others. And I'm still struggling with an ongoing low grade depression.

Edited December 19, 2016 by cloche

[Chica80]

Thank you, all. It does actually help a little to hear you say this.

 

Cephalopod: blunt and to the point as always; though I suspect you are right. Used for What though? I don't think I'll ever really understand that...

 

I Was incredibly naïve throughout the affair, though. In this sense I got exactly what I deserved. It took me Years to work out what those around me saw clearly from very early on: that despite all she was telling me, she had no intention whatsoever of leaving him. No, she wanted Him to leave Her.

 

I trusted her completely - bought into her curiously isolated and warped view of the world - she subtly encouraged me to feel sorry for her - her miserably unhappy marriage - his abusiveness - her narcisstic father from whom she is now estranged - and on and on...I lapped it all up - and in so doing, found myself increasingly surrendering my own sense of self to her, my life becoming more and more compromised for the sake of the affair .

 

I'm sorry; I'm boring even myself.

 

Poppy/freengreen: just memories/just tears: unfortunately, no. The experience has cost me dearly: I've lost something of myself along the way - my sense of optimism and my willingness to trust others. And I'm still struggling with an ongoing low grade depression.

 

 

Cloche what are the feelings you still struggle with? Are you in IC?

[Poppy47]

Cloche,

 

I agree about losing trust. I feel as though there is a part of me that has changed forever.

Poppy.

[Miss Clavel]

YOu are not alone in your pain Cloche.

 

I was thinking today of Christmases past. xMM would always deliberately distance himself from me, as if I were something that he didn't want to be reminded of at this time of the year.

 

Memories are still with me. I let them come and go. After all they are just memories.. ghosts.

 

Poppy.

 

my crush did the same thing. every holiday, like clockwork. now, i suspect he's just cheap.

[freengreen]

Cloche,

 

Love and trust are BIG things ( i beleive this before and belive this after the EA). Dont lose these things for someone who doesnt know their meaning.

 

Learn to love again, learn to trust. If you trip hard, learn from the mistakes.

 

There are good people around you, just take off the mask she put on you. You will be happy and others will be happy for you. Lets not make these callous people win, lets learn and be better people .

 

Take good care

[Miss Clavel]

I'm sorry; I'm boring even myself.

 

Poppy/freengreen: just memories/just tears: unfortunately, no. The experience has cost me dearly: I've lost something of myself along the way - my sense of optimism and my willingness to trust others. And I'm still struggling with an ongoing low grade depression.

 

 

when i was young, i decided to jump off the roof of our house. for a few mins after i thought i broke both my ankles. i went and got an umbrella and jumped again. i look back and i love that girl, the one that leaped towards the universe.

 

however, from what you describe of her ****ty life i wonder if you are not, trauma bonded? a word i made up during my disastrous affair with a younger man.

 

her life, her trauma, bonded you to her. she made herself weak in your eyes, the poor thing and it brought out the protective side of your male nature?

 

i think that's why you cry. you feel sorry for her and you feel sorry for yourself, the self you were, daring, free and happy to take a leap of faith.

 

i saw a movie where a man was taking flying lessons and he went and got his girl to take her up in his plane and while they were high up in the sky she asked him, "have you learned how to land this thing yet", and he said, "the trick is not to land".

 

your flight is being weighed down by her baggage!

[freengreen]

when i was young, i decided to jump off the roof of our house. for a few mins after i thought i broke both my ankles. i went and got an umbrella and jumped again. i look back and i love that girl, the one that leaped towards the universe.

 

however, from what you describe of her ****ty life i wonder if you are not, trauma bonded? a word i made up during my disastrous affair with a younger man.

 

her life, her trauma, bonded you to her. she made herself weak in your eyes, the poor thing and it brought out the protective side of your male nature?

 

i think that's why you cry. you feel sorry for her and you feel sorry for yourself, the self you were, daring, free and happy to take a leap of faith.

 

i saw a movie where a man was taking flying lessons and he went and got his girl to take her up in his plane and while they were high up in the sky she asked him, "have you learned how to land this thing yet", and he said, "the trick is not to land".

 

your flight is being weighed down by her baggage!

 

Now how cool is this reply ^

[Poppy47]

my crush did the same thing. every holiday, like clockwork. now, i suspect he's just cheap.

 

Miss C you always make me laugh.

 

I suspect xMM wanted to get rid of all impure thoughts at Christmas and become the upright father and grandfather for the occasion.

 

Poppy.

[cloche]

Cloche what are the feelings you still struggle with? Are you in IC?

 

Thanks for asking, sunshinechica. Yes, I'm finally back in therapy. Though, stupidly, I only got myself there a couple of months ago. Why? I think because I imagined myself to be further along than I really am. I've been seeing someone lovely though, and am increasingly anxious that my affair should still be troubling me all this time later.

 

I ended the affair for good in the Autumn of 2014. At the time I still thought of us as soul mates: star crossed lovers who, through a tragic twist of fate, found one another only after each having had children with the wrong partners. That is to say, Perfect for one another, if she could just summon the courage to divorce. I myself separated immediately, and was divorced within the year.

 

Miss Clavel hits the nail on the head: I longed to rescue her.

 

But I'd also figured out that she was never going to do so, which I understood to be because she was stuck - a split self who, though she loved me deeply, was constitutionally incapable of smashing up her family.

 

My perspective has shifted since then, in no small part as a result of having read the stories of the many others here. I now think it would be closer to the truth to say that she endeavored to hold on to both relationships simultaneously, and for as long as she possibly could, while waiting for one or other man to break the stalemate for her. Her husband learned of our affair back in the Spring of 2010, confronted us, but thereafter seemed to tolerate her continued involvement with me for another four years during which she sought to maneuver him into leaving her.

 

I still love her, faults and all, but I can no longer respect her. I feel mislead; manipulated; my willingness to accept her for who she presented herself to be exploited in order to fight some internecine war of attrition with her husband; she's a mad-hatter (love that phrase) not to mention a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic (this one too).

 

Perhaps others here can recognize this peculiar dilemma? But even I could eventually see that I was throwing my life away on a bad bet; I finally cut my losses and went NC.

 

Why then, was I so very drawn to this woman? Well, I think it's finally dawning on me that this is where I should be focusing my attention from here on.

 

To return to your question, sunchinechica, I think for me, she represented some sort of 'solution' to a deeper set of issues I have carried around with me for years now, though mostly unexamined. Something to do with insecurity, abandonment, and loss : of the loving family I grew up in [due to the passage of time, my parent's divorce, and to physical distance (I moved from Europe to the States in my 20s)]. I'm still unpacking it all, though.

[Doublegold]

Very introspective post Cloche. Bravo to you, as it appears you are much more engaged in self-discovery and examining your choices then many of us are. I am saddened by your brief encounter at the Mall and the pain it caused you.

 

Still, I must say, you have impressed me with your ability to rise above your own despair and examine the affair from more then your own feelings. That is not easy for most ( those in affairs and those betrayed by a spouse) and for that I say--you are unique and I hope you see that and find the happiness you deserve.

 

Be well.

[jah526]

Fellow INFP, I sometimes think life is more difficult for those with this personality type.

[cloche]

however, from what you describe of her ****ty life i wonder if you are not, trauma bonded? a word i made up during my disastrous affair with a younger man.

 

her life, her trauma, bonded you to her. she made herself weak in your eyes, the poor thing and it brought out the protective side of your male nature?

 

Spot on.

 

Thank you, miss c; very helpful.

[Chica80]

Thanks for asking, sunshinechica. Yes, I'm finally back in therapy. Though, stupidly, I only got myself there a couple of months ago. Why? I think because I imagined myself to be further along than I really am. I've been seeing someone lovely though, and am increasingly anxious that my affair should still be troubling me all this time later.

 

I ended the affair for good in the Autumn of 2014. At the time I still thought of us as soul mates: star crossed lovers who, through a tragic twist of fate, found one another only after each having had children with the wrong partners. That is to say, Perfect for one another, if she could just summon the courage to divorce. I myself separated immediately, and was divorced within the year.

 

Miss Clavel hits the nail on the head: I longed to rescue her.

 

But I'd also figured out that she was never going to do so, which I understood to be because she was stuck - a split self who, though she loved me deeply, was constitutionally incapable of smashing up her family.

 

My perspective has shifted since then, in no small part as a result of having read the stories of the many others here. I now think it would be closer to the truth to say that she endeavored to hold on to both relationships simultaneously, and for as long as she possibly could, while waiting for one or other man to break the stalemate for her. Her husband learned of our affair back in the Spring of 2010, confronted us, but thereafter seemed to tolerate her continued involvement with me for another four years during which she sought to maneuver him into leaving her.

 

I still love her, faults and all, but I can no longer respect her. I feel mislead; manipulated; my willingness to accept her for who she presented herself to be exploited in order to fight some internecine war of attrition with her husband; she's a mad-hatter (love that phrase) not to mention a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic (this one too).

 

Perhaps others here can recognize this peculiar dilemma? But even I could eventually see that I was throwing my life away on a bad bet; I finally cut my losses and went NC.

 

Why then, was I so very drawn to this woman? Well, I think it's finally dawning on me that this is where I should be focusing my attention from here on.

 

To return to your question, sunchinechica, I think for me, she represented some sort of 'solution' to a deeper set of issues I have carried around with me for years now, though mostly unexamined. Something to do with insecurity, abandonment, and loss : of the loving family I grew up in [due to the passage of time, my parent's divorce, and to physical distance (I moved from Europe to the States in my 20s)]. I'm still unpacking it all, though.

 

Thank you for sharing this. I feel your pain. I don't believe in soul mates. I believe you can find love with many different people. That you can make it work with different people. I just have thought that you are more connected or more "in tune" with person A over person B.

I felt this way about MM. I felt we were connected that we could understand eachother that we were/are alike.

I think people come in to our lives for many reasons. But the ones we attach to the most. Is because we are trying to heal some deeper wound inside. And either they reinforce it or help us heal it.

 

When my A started I was married. Have since separated. We had this conversation the other day. He said something about moving somewhere else. I became upset and said. The thing is I would. I would do things to be together, give up things change things. YOU wouldn't. OP you were able to give up so much to lose so much, because you believed in the end it was worth it. That it meant all this pain you went through and went through together was worth it. BUT she didn't feel the same. Could it be, being in this new relationship you are finding it hard not to trust or be fully committed? If this love that I thought was so great so powerful wasn't enough, then could this be? I just ask questions, I could be wrong.

 

Do you ever regret getting divorced? Did you mourn the loss of your marriage? Do you ever feel like part of the pain is tied to that?

Edited December 20, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[SaltAndLight]

As much as we would all like to, we can not control the heart!! Sometimes that causes great joy and others, great pain.. however, all out of our control. They say time heals all wounds but i do not personally agree with that cliche. I think time just gives us a chance to deal with the hurt differently.. be encouraged!

[minimariah]

cloche!

 

i find your story so heartbreaking & i strongly emphatize with you. how are you now...? are you feeling a bit better emotionally, how is your recovery going?

 

i also wanted to ask you: how is your relationship with your xwife, do you share custody of the children and co-parent well? bravo for making a quick move, to be honest... it definitely shows a strong and decisive character!