Interesting question regarding lying and possible cheating

[Rosco]

Hello everyone, i have an odd scenario that i would like to share. First time poster but ive lurked for quite awhile and enjoy all the advice through previous threads, but cant really search and find something like this.

 

So I have had a girlfriend for about 2 years now, both mid 20s , and it for the most part was going extremely well. (comfy stage you could say) Some things have came up that are starting to question what i'm dealing with, or if it's nothing more then a little insecurity. She has recently been caught it some stupid lies, that has had me push for a little more insight. She always told me from the start that her past relationships were mistakes, but then fell back on her last one, stating that the man she dated was in the army, moved around allot, and didn't have allot of friends, so they stayed in contact after breaking up 2 years ago. No big deal, but i think i should have been notified at the start. anyways the other day i noticed scrolling through my facebook feed that she liked a pic of him, (even though they are not friends) so when i got home from work that night i questioned her about it, she initially denied it until i told her i saw it. She then said it was an accident by creeping, and he sent a message follwing the like, when i asked her what the message said, she replied it was nothing at all, and she deleted it. (red flag)

That didnt sit very well with me, (gut instinct was hitting me) after a couple days i decided to grab her phone while she was sleeping and investigate, i didn't really know how to find the info i was looking for so i just used the search function on her iphone. And holy ***** i found a couple interesting items, although never the message that i was looking for

 

It looks to me (no hard evidence) that she had an affair with a person she works with. i found a message to one of her friends (female) that she had met a great guy at a conference with a sick wife and she really liked him . after that text i searched for the guys name in her text history. It showed that they have had allot of meet ups alone, at her house, his place, bars, conferences and a couple even referencing making sure the significant other wasn't around. (i will point out that there was only 1 instance like this when we were together) This situation thickens a little bit and makes some sense as this guy sent her a message just this past summer when we were together late at night , the message stated that he just got out of a late dinner with his wife and if my girlfriend wanted to get together for drinks. She played it off as it was just friendly, and i didn't think anything else of it, until now of course.

 

I'm kind of torn. The one part of me wants to just think that it was harmless and they are just friends. The other part of me wants to confront her , knock the dude out, and find his sick wife and show her the messages lol. I haven't said anything yet, and wanted some advice. Yes i know i invaded her privacy by snooping through her cell phone and it was wrong. But like i stated before my instinct was telling me something wasn't right

[PinkPampies]

If your gut instinct is telling you something is wrong, it usually is.

 

I don't believe the two of them are friends.

 

It's not a good way to live: always in doubt of your spouse and questioning.

Many advise is to talk to her about it, but don't expect the truth. I would end it and move on to someone you don't feel the need to check up on. Good luck.

[CommittedToThis]

Hey man, sorry you're going thru all this doubt.

 

All I can offer is my own advice, coming from a 54 year old man:

 

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS FIRST AND FOREMOST.

 

If you think something's amiss, it likely is.

 

Next time I wouldn't even bother checking her phone; if you feel she's lacking in integrity or if she's devious and deceitful, she probably is, so just walk.

 

"I'm not comfortable in this relationship anymore, something tells me this isn't right for me."

 

/sound of door closing

[smackie9]

Give me a break....she is willing to meet up with a married man behind his sick wife's back....she has the morals of an ally cat. You have all the evidence you need......dump her.

[bachdude]

And let this be a lesson to never put a ring on her finger in anything less than two years. This isn't the first thread where someone finds out a dark side to their SO after a couple years.

 

 

I'm glad you found out now. Yeah, sure, she didn't remember liking his pic!! I guess she forgot he responded to her like as well!

 

 

And sure, it must have been just "friendly" when they meet alone at her place, his place, etc. And I bet his wife is truly sick! How many other women has he said THAT to?

 

 

And they are still in contract, clearly. I'm sure there is more you haven't seen.

 

 

Please get out and don't look back.

 

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Space Ritual]

I'm kind of torn. The one part of me wants to just think that it was harmless and they are just friends. The other part of me wants to confront her , knock the dude out, and find his sick wife and show her the messages lol. I haven't said anything yet, and wanted some advice. Yes i know i invaded her privacy by snooping through her cell phone and it was wrong. But like i stated before my instinct was telling me something wasn't right

 

Bad idea on the confrontation with this guy.

 

2 reasons:

 

1. You are not dating him, you are dating her. He has no vested interest in you at all, and he would not give you any answers and more than likely just make you angrier.

 

2. Do not risk any physical altercation over a girl. Going to jail is not worth it

 

I am living proof of what happens when you have a physical altercation upon discovery of infidelity. I was incarcerated for 4 years after I stomped a mudhole in both my best friend and my fiance when I caught them in my bed. I am certainly not proud of what I did and that is something I have to live with. I did it to myself. I could have just walked away but made a drastic choice and I paid dearly for my stupidity. So I am not a proponent of physical confrontations in these situations. Every time I read a post where some guy is hell bent on kicking the other guy's arse I try to convince them to avoid it.

 

It will do no good. Not one bit. I do not want to see anyone end up like me.

 

That being said, you have nothing to feel bad about for snooping. Your gut told you something was off, and you did not invade her privacy, you invaded her secrecy.

 

Based on what you have written, I would suggest now that since you have ample ammunition to at least drive yourself crazy, the best thing you can do right now is clam up, and observe her actions.

 

Many relationships show cracks at this time of the year, with the holidays. If there is anything wrong with a relationship the next 2 weeks will probably expose it in one way or another. People tend to let their emotions get the best of them this time of year, so you have a decided advantage in that you can go into the season with your eyes wide open. So many people here never have that luxury and get a bomb dropped on them. So play it close to the vest.

 

I would be very careful and not show your hand, as hard as it may be.

 

The only thing thus far you have accomplished by confronting her thus far that she has lied to you,and is only going to get better at covering her tracks if she thinks you are suspicious.

 

So my advice right now is to ACT like none of this ever happened, even though you're probably seeing red. Watch her actions and how they line up with her words. If there is a Holiday gathering for work this week and she does not want you to be there or puts you off, or disappears at an odd time out of the ordinary this week or next week you can take it to the next level.

 

But do not confront her until you have solid proof. And at that time when you do confront her, never and I mean NEVER give up you sources.

 

Be vigilant. This time of year brings out he worst in some people so for this week just fake it if you have to. An watch her like a hawk. If she is going to trip up again, it will more than likely be over the Holidays.

 

Good Luck, and check back in if and when you find something else unsettling. My BS detector would be red lining on this chick if I were you.

[HereNorThere]

Give me a break....she is willing to meet up with a married man behind his sick wife's back....she has the morals of an ally cat. You have all the evidence you need......dump her.

 

Us alley cats resent being compared to this woman. So unfair! What did we ever do to you?

[Space Ritual]

If you can. I'd also try to get at those messages again and put on a chip or forwarded to an email address yo create, just in case they go missing in the near future

[HereNorThere]

Bro, you caught this dirty bird about as red handed as you can possibly get.

 

Who are you going to believe, her or your lying EYES? You'll never unsee that evidence. You know married men don't hang out with chicks like this for fun. Pull your head out of the sand and DTMF!!!

[lolablue17]

Tell me if I'm wrong or missing something...

 

1. You were searching evidence for cheating through your Gf's phone.

2. You didn't find ANYTHING.

3. A matter a fact you found a proof that she isn't cheating because that married guy from work, she used to hang out with, She stopped meeting him after she started with you (She met him only once after she met you).

4. She also refused to hang out with him when he asked her.

 

So, you're pissed because of what??!! because she she used to have an affair (not sure it was a real affair) with a married man before she met you? Oh' come on... This is all you found?

 

If I may add - you confronted her once after liking a pic of her ex that you knew they're in contact because she voluntarily told you before?

 

She shouldn't have lied of course, but you're controlling nature might push every girl to lie to you. The lies are on her, but the atmosphere of suspiciousness and interrogations are on you, dude.

[Space Ritual]

Give me a break....she is willing to meet up with a married man behind his sick wife's back.

 

I have a somewhat different take on this, just from the experience of reading many similar stories.

 

You know, I have perused and been a member of enough infidelity boards to recognize while this may in fact be the case, many times guys will go out of their way to say stuff like "My wife doesn't have sex with me", or "she is sick" and use that as an excuse to get laid by someone other than their wife. Pulling that sympathy bang card out of the deck is pretty powerful, lol.

 

It is very odd the lies people will tell in order to get laid. OP's girlfriend may have been under the impression that the guy's wife was indeed sick, of course that makes it even worse if she simply does not care.

 

So I actually think in some way that OP's girlfriend may use the "sick wife" excuse if OP ever confronts her in an effort to prevent him from blowing the affair up. as in "Don't involve her" kind of way

 

I have to agree with you though that if the wife is indeed ill that OP's girlfriend has zero scruples. So I certainly understand the calls from other members to just end it now.

[Space Ritual]

So, you're pissed because of what??!! because she she used to have an affair (not sure it was a real affair) with a married man before she met you? Oh' come on... This is all you found?

 

Actually, Lola, many people, myself included, would never stay with anyone even if I had been with them for a number of years if I had to discover on my own what OP has about his gf. Especially if I had rock solid proof.

 

To me it would be an indication that I would never be able to trust my partner. I would actually have to end it right then and there. But that is just me. Had I not had such an awful experience I may be more willing to see if someone could change and make themselves safe to be around. But I can't and won't

 

Each person has a threshold on what they will accept. Maybe you have a much higher tolerance for things such as this, and if you do, the you are a far more tolerant man than me. I am surely not a "glass is half full" type of guy. In my experience that's a recipe to get trampled on.

[lolablue17]

Actually, Lola, many people, myself included, would never stay with anyone even if I had been with them for a number of years if I had to discover on my own what OP has about his gf. Especially if I had rock solid proof.

 

To me it would be an indication that I would never be able to trust my partner. I would actually have to end it right then and there. But that is just me. Had I not had such an awful experience I may be more willing to see if someone could change and make themselves safe to be around. But I can't and won't

 

Each person has a threshold on what they will accept. Maybe you have a much higher tolerance for things such as this, and if you do, the you are a far more tolerant man than me. I am surely not a "glass is half full" type of guy. In my experience that's a recipe to get trampled on.

 

I didn't express my opinion about whether he should stay or not. I just mentioned that she hasn't done anything while she's been with him, only in her past (maybe, because he isn't sure about the past).

 

It's better to talk to someone and hear her, before judging her for her past without even knowing for sure, only guessing.

Edited December 19, 2016 by lolablue17

[LD1990]

She shouldn't have lied of course, but you're controlling nature might push every girl to lie to you. The lies are on her, but the atmosphere of suspiciousness and interrogations are on you, dude.

 

And how exactly was he controlling? By asking his girlfriend about her interaction with an ex on Facebook? Gotta love this attitude of "she shouldn't have lied, but it's still basically your fault." What a joke.

 

 

OP, unfortunately you've found out that you can't trust your girlfriend. She lied to you about liking her ex's picture. She wouldn't tell you what he messaged her, and she deleted it so there wasn't any evidence. Now you've found out that she misrepresented a former lover as a friend when he sent her a text looking to hook up in the middle of the night. What else has she lied to you about? What else is she hiding from you? And why does she feel the need to keep in touch with her exes?

 

You can either end it, or spend the rest of this relationship wondering when your girlfriend is telling you the truth and when she's blowing smoke up your ass.

[Rosco]

Thanks everyone for the comments. As I stated I was concerned but still hadn't brought up the subject, especially with the holidays coming up. It makes sense with the replies not to confront anyone else but her over this, and i agree that it would do more harm then good. My mind set is that an ex is an ex for a reason, and you shouldn't be in a relationship and still have ties to a previous relationship.

 

Yes it is true and there is no actual physical evidence of an affair, but it still does not sit well. If it came up differently I may have been able to work through it or talk about it. But unfortunately finding out the way I did didn't help the situation at all. In the end it was referenced married men don't sneak around there wife just to hang out with a single girl for fun and to play board games. The intent and purpose was there, and I'm sure I'll never fully know the truth, but I'm not going to be in a relationship and wonder for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks again everyone

[Rosco]

Who are you going to believe, her or your lying EYES? You'll never unsee that evidence. You know married men don't hang out with chicks like this for fun.

 

Unfortunetly this is the truth, appreciate you pointing it out

[HereNorThere]

Same scenario happened to me at about your age. Dating a girl in my city that had to move away for a few months for an internship. We hadn't been dating that long but she freakin begged me to stay in a long distance relationship until she came back. I remember her crying as she got into a cab headed for the airport saying "Please don't let anything I change while I'm gone, I love you, blah blah blah" Man, that's hard to think about, ugh.

 

Long story short, went to help her move and it felt different. Like you, I uncovered enough evidence to know she wasn't being honest with me, but I didn't actually catch her nakey in bed with someone. The real issue is that she was telling me one thing with her mouth and another with her actions. There were also whopper lies like telling me the guy giving her "likes" on social media was just a creep from her chemistry class. Nope, turns out it was an ex boyfriend, etc.

 

10 years later and it still gets me worked up. On one hand she was begging me to stay with her, she loves me, wouldn't do that and in the other hand I had a mountain of circumstantial evidence that she was lying about all of it. Go with your gut, man. Don't let ANYONE gaslight you and make you doubt reality.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks everyone for the comments. As I stated I was concerned but still hadn't brought up the subject, especially with the holidays coming up. It makes sense with the replies not to confront anyone else but her over this, and i agree that it would do more harm then good. My mind set is that an ex is an ex for a reason, and you shouldn't be in a relationship and still have ties to a previous relationship.

 

Yes it is true and there is no actual physical evidence of an affair, but it still does not sit well. If it came up differently I may have been able to work through it or talk about it. But unfortunately finding out the way I did didn't help the situation at all. In the end it was referenced married men don't sneak around there wife just to hang out with a single girl for fun and to play board games. The intent and purpose was there, and I'm sure I'll never fully know the truth, but I'm not going to be in a relationship and wonder for the rest of my life.

 

Thanks again everyone

 

Hence what I was saying to Lola abut my threshold. Sure maybe you don't have rock solid evidence, but there is enough circumstantial evidence that it would give me pause if I were you.

 

I just wanted to say to you that through no fault of your own, you thread has been very triggery for me. Usually I take threads with a grain of salt around here and am usually more reserved in my snap advice and don;t comment multiple times. However, you talking about going after the OM triggered me for some reason. There have been others that have bandied it about that never triggered me. I think yours did because it reminded myself of how in my case I should have seen the signs. And in a way I am envious of you that you have enough ammo to make a solid decision you can live with. I wish I had. I am sure there are more people than care to admit that they bash themselves every day for not having a clue.

 

I was one of them. Had I been the recipient of some form of advance knowledge I would have made better choices and not affected my life for the worse as a result of those choices.

 

My only further advice to you is that if you are going to pull the plug, that you might reconsider waiting until after the holidays to do it. To some it may seem cruel of me to suggest you drop the Bye Bye bomb now, but by doing so you would actually be doing both of you a favor.

 

You would not be chancing a good holiday with her whereby you start second guessing yourself with the days leading up to Christmas and maybe succumbing to vulnerability. Maybe she shakes her tail feathers for you on Xmas eve and you start thinking "Oh it wasn't so bad"...and then you find out 6 months from now that it was indeed far worse than what you knew and you've wasted yet more time.

 

You would also be doing her a favor by doing it now so for the rest of her life she would be able to equate the season with possibly making herself safe for the next person in her life to be around, since it wont be you. That s a pretty powerful gift even if you don't really think in those terms.

 

Anyway, good luck an update us when you can.

[HereNorThere]

I was one of them. Had I been the recipient of some form of advance knowledge I would have made better choices and not affected my life for the worse as a result of those choices.

 

I just wanted to take the time to thank you for sharing your story. It's important for OP to see what happens if he tries to seek revenge. We ALL have revenge fantasies at some point or another. Also, it's important for us to think about what we would do if something like this happened before we're in an emotional, irrational state.

 

This thread triggered me as well. I know exactly how OP feels. You mentioned wishing you had advance knowledge. In my case, I actually did have some information from outside source. I work in computer security and it would be super damaging to my career if I were caught breaking federal laws to snoop on a girlfriend. I possess the skills to not get caught, but also the knowledge to know the penalties if I did. I may be able to beat intrusion protection, but I can't beat a polygraph and that's that could happen in my career field. I'm lucky because one of the 'lil 'lil homies took pity on me and gave me my answers. I'll let you infer how he did it.

 

The best revenge is always living well. This girl I dated ended up marrying a sleazy used car salesman type dude. Me, I learned from the situation and continued to better myself. In a way, she's responsible for a lot of my success. I used that pain as motivator and now she probably wouldn't even recognize me. I can guarantee you she'd be stunned if she saw me these days. Who would have known that what I thought was the worst thing that ever happened to me would be the catalyst to start the best thing thing that ever happened to me? Life is crazy like that.

 

Thanks for sharing.

[fenix]

If not anything else at least your girlfriend has a very poor sense of boundaries.

I see many red flags (deleting posts, friendship with Married man, etc). You are very young and not too invested (not kids or mortgage,etc). You should just let her go, she is not making you feel safe and being in your position and having seen what you have seen is very painful.

 

Good luck!