D-day happened yesterday for an A ended long ago. Wife wants meeting and inquistion

[watch210]

I'm the OW. I've been lurking here awhile. Anyway the last couple months my MM has been getting accusations from his wife of watching porn and whatnot due to some malware on his laptop. Our relationship ended well over a year ago but we've still remained in contact due to our business relationship and 18 year friendship. He's been keeping me informed the last couple months of the hell he's been going through from daily threats from his wife. She physically attacked him, she threatened to make up a story about him watching kiddie porn just to get him to admit to things. She's nuts as far as I'm concerned and doesn't allow him to even watch any tv shows or movies that contain scantily clad women. I'm pretty she has othello syndrome.

 

There is absolutely no proof that we ever had a relationship although we did off and on for several years mainly while she would leave the state to stay with their grown children.

 

Yesterday morning, I get an email from him stating that he misses me which may or may not have been a trap but looking at the syntax I'm pretty sure he's actually the one that wrote it.

 

Yesterday evening, he called me in front of his wife and daughter clearly under duress and said "my life is over, my whole family knows about our relationship, please don't call me or contact my family, yada, yada". I said on the phone that I didn't know what he was talking about and that there was no relationship and that I don't understand why he's admitting to falsehoods and hung up. I am certain he was on speaker and his wife and daughter were listening. He sounded so broken and pitiful.

 

I sent a text message a couple minutes later that said "I don't know what kind of relationship you are talking about since there was never anything aside from business, but whatever I don't need this drama... best of luck".

 

I sent this knowing that his wife probably had his phone which she did because his daughter called me back right away and proceeded to call me a homewrecker and I should find some not married d*ck to f*ck and that they know we've been involved for the last 5 years, and that I've ruined her family, yada yada. I reiterated that I don't know what she's talking about and to kindly leave me alone.

 

This morning I get a call from his wife on his phone wanting to know exactly when the relationship started and wanted to set up a meeting for when they get back into town (both currently out of state staying with daughter for the holidays). Again, I denied it and stuck to my story. She got kind of belligerent and is clearly on a witch hunt. I told her not to **** with me as my resources reach far and wide and she got even more belligerent. Probably not wise of me to make a veiled threat. I asked what proof she had? She fumbled and couldn't answer. I know there is ZERO proof. I asked why was she even asking? She said so she knows whether or not he's lying. I asked again that they leave me alone and don't involve me in their family drama and if they continue to do so my lawyer will be in touch.

 

I feel really bad for him and told him a couple months ago that if he can't take it anymore I'll help him financially so he can leave and get his own place. I know he can't afford to leave on his own but he also can't keep living like this in a state of hell with a lunatic. I'm afraid it's going to kill him. When I saw him for 5 minutes at the store about a month ago he looked terrible and stressed out. I don't have a desire for a relationship in case you were wondering (big age difference of 26 years) but I feel a strong sense of obligation to him over some things he did for me 15 years ago (saved my life). I'm more than capable financially to help him.

 

Any advice on this situation would be appreciated. My gut intuition tells me to stick with my story that nothing happened.

[notmyselfnow]

You should not meet with her. But why are you continuing to deny it? That's needlessly cruel. You should tell her she is right, but that you do not want to talk to her and that you are done with the relationship and have moved on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm the OW. I've been lurking here awhile. Anyway the last couple months my MM has been getting accusations from his wife of watching porn and whatnot due to some malware on his laptop. Our relationship ended well over a year ago but we've still remained in contact due to our business relationship and 18 year friendship. He's been keeping me informed the last couple months of the hell he's been going through from daily threats from his wife. She physically attacked him, she threatened to make up a story about him watching kiddie porn just to get him to admit to things. She's nuts as far as I'm concerned and doesn't allow him to even watch any tv shows or movies that contain scantily clad women. I'm pretty she has othello syndrome.

 

There is absolutely no proof that we ever had a relationship although we did off and on for several years mainly while she would leave the state to stay with their grown children.

 

Yesterday morning, I get an email from him stating that he misses me which may or may not have been a trap but looking at the syntax I'm pretty sure he's actually the one that wrote it.

 

Yesterday evening, he called me in front of his wife and daughter clearly under duress and said "my life is over, my whole family knows about our relationship, please don't call me or contact my family, yada, yada". I said on the phone that I didn't know what he was talking about and that there was no relationship and that I don't understand why he's admitting to falsehoods and hung up. I am certain he was on speaker and his wife and daughter were listening. He sounded so broken and pitiful.

 

I sent a text message a couple minutes later that said "I don't know what kind of relationship you are talking about since there was never anything aside from business, but whatever I don't need this drama... best of luck".

 

I sent this knowing that his wife probably had his phone which she did because his daughter called me back right away and proceeded to call me a homewrecker and I should find some not married d*ck to f*ck and that they know we've been involved for the last 5 years, and that I've ruined her family, yada yada. I reiterated that I don't know what she's talking about and to kindly leave me alone.

 

This morning I get a call from his wife on his phone wanting to know exactly when the relationship started and wanted to set up a meeting for when they get back into town (both currently out of state staying with daughter for the holidays). Again, I denied it and stuck to my story. She got kind of belligerent and is clearly on a witch hunt. I told her not to **** with me as my resources reach far and wide and she got even more belligerent. Probably not wise of me to make a veiled threat. I asked what proof she had? She fumbled and couldn't answer. I know there is ZERO proof. I asked why was she even asking? She said so she knows whether or not he's lying. I asked again that they leave me alone and don't involve me in their family drama and if they continue to do so my lawyer will be in touch.

 

I feel really bad for him and told him a couple months ago that if he can't take it anymore I'll help him financially so he can leave and get his own place. I know he can't afford to leave on his own but he also can't keep living like this in a state of hell with a lunatic. I'm afraid it's going to kill him. When I saw him for 5 minutes at the store about a month ago he looked terrible and stressed out. I don't have a desire for a relationship in case you were wondering (big age difference of 26 years) but I feel a strong sense of obligation to him over some things he did for me 15 years ago (saved my life). I'm more than capable financially to help him.

 

Any advice on this situation would be appreciated. My gut intuition tells me to stick with my story that nothing happened.

 

I would not blame the wife or call her crazy, after all you did have an affair with her husband. He is not the victim here, she is. Why do you think she is a lunatic? Most women would be upset in this situation.

 

However, to answer your question, I would be careful in admitting to anything. Like all guys, he will throw you under the bus and put all the blame on you. Anything you say could be digging your own grave.

 

Let me ask you, what have you go to lose if you tell her the truth? I mean that literally. Are you married? Could she destroy you professionally? Think careful before you get involved. While I don't advocate lying, I also don't think you need to get involved in their marriage.

 

Oh and I would not feel sorry for him at all or offer him any money.

[FoundMyStrength]

You should not meet with her. But why are you continuing to deny it? That's needlessly cruel. You should tell her she is right, but that you do not want to talk to her and that you are done with the relationship and have moved on.

 

Agree with this. You say there's no proof, which means *he* probably told her. Especially if shes threatening to do crazy stuff like turn him in for child porn. All you're doing now is gaslighting her, making her feel like shes going crazy even though she clearly knows something happened. Fess up, extricate yourself from the drama, and block all contact with both of them.

[watch210]

I have no intentions of meeting with her. She's a nutjob and I've known this for many years. I think its best to continue to deny because like I said there is zero proof of anything. She had suspicions before that he was seeing someone but nothing concrete. I should have mentioned it but the only reason she even accused him of having something with me was because I removed his access to a shared dropbox folder we had for business when he first told me what she was doing about 2 months ago. I guess when I removed it a windows notification popped up on his laptop and she saw it. She's convinced there was porn in the folder (which is not true at all). There was 1 file that mentioned some adult advertising verticals (strictly 1 small aspect of my business) but nothing about porn at all.

[Whoknew30]

I usually don't agree with lying but in your case, I say deny! It's no longer your problem & you don't have to deal with anything you don't want to. Sounds like she'd do anything to ruin you, don't give her one drop of gasoline to add to the fire. He told, his family, his problem. Good luck

[watch210]

That's what my gut instinct is telling me, to continue denying. I appreciate your guys input as it's giving me another perspective and very insightful.

[goodyblue]

Oh man. Don't give any info. DENY. It won't help her or him and if she is anything like you describe you don't want crazy on your doorstep.

 

It has been over for a while and that is about all you can do. Close ranks, protect yourself.

[anika99]

First of all I think your pity for him is misplaced. His wife is the one who is being tormented with lies and mind games. She's not the least bit crazy, in her gut she knows the truth but other people are cruelly and evilly trying to make her think she's crazy simply because she doesn't have proof of the truth. What a terrible cruel way that is to treat another human being. She may be acting unstable but she is being driven to madness with lies. Her whole family is in pain and misery because of certain people being unwilling to be honest. I hope her husband has finally told her the truth. It sounds like he did based on his phone all but for whatever reason you have decided to continue this vicious cycle of lying instead of finding relief in finally having the truth be known. His wife is tormented by these lies and she isn't going to just drop it. If you want this to end you should just admit to the affair. There may be a couple of weeks of drama afterwards but then they will leave you alone to deal with their own crap, but if you keep trying to mess with her head with more lies then she is going to keep pursuing this.

 

He is not a poor helpless man. He has created this misery with his lies and his cheating and now his whole family is in pain because of his actions. Oh I'm sure he's got his pitiful little woe is me act down perfectly but a real man doesn't handle his marriage or his marital problems the way he does. Your physical affair with him may be over but he still has an inappropriate relationship with you known as an emotional affair. His wife is not crazy.

[Survivor12]

Why not tell the truth? You DID have an affair with him, and while the physical relationship may have ended a year ago, the emotional one has not. Sharing details with you about his marriage is just as much, if not more, of a betrayal to his wife than the sex.

 

He has confessed to his wife. She already KNOWS so why not admit it? Holding back makes it seem as though you still want a relationship with him even though you say you don't.

 

From her perspective, the betrayal didn't end a year ago. Of course she is angry & hurt...and she is lashing out because not only has she been betrayed, cheated on and lied to, she is frustrated that while you have been involved in her marriage, she is being denied the truth about your relationship with her husband.

 

Do everyone--including yourself--a favor & answer her questions. It's the least you could do.

[gettingstronger]

Instead of lying just say "I have nothing to offer in this conversation, please do not contact me again" and block every avenue of communication. He is not your problem, do not lend him money, do not get involved-even as a shoulder to lean on-

[goodyblue]

His marriage is none of your business. Don't get dragged in. I don't want anyone in mine. Let it go. I got that call. I referred her to her h.

[watch210]

Instead of lying just say "I have nothing to offer in this conversation, please do not contact me again" and block every avenue of communication. He is not your problem, do not lend him money, do not get involved-even as a shoulder to lean on-

 

 

That's basically what I said at the end of the conversation and that's what I plan to say if contacted again.

[imsosad]

She is not being paranoid. He was unfaithful to her and it was with you.

Why do you think she's crazy? Maybe she's been pushed to the edge by her husband's selfish, cruel betrayal and deceit?

She obviously knows about you, why continue tormenting her?

If you do tell -not a meeting, but a simple message- would anything significant be at stake? If not, I think a brief message confirming what she already knows is the right thing to do.

[anika99]

Oh and by the way his wife does not have othello syndrome, which is delusional jealousy or the delusional belief that ones partner is or has been unfaithful. Since her husband has been cheating on her off and on for at least 5 years she is not delusional at all. She is intuitive in spite of other people trying to make her think she's delusional.

[minimariah]

go full NC with him AND his family; he is a grown man with grown children, HEALTHY i assume... he can take care of himself & he doesn't need you to save him. i'm sure he has other folks to help out if needed - including his own children. if i were you, i wouldn't utter ONE word to those people... let alone comment on the actual affair; look... you're not fooling anyone, truth be told. it's absolutely ridiculous of you to insist on an obvious lie, you're only making yourself look worse than you already do.

 

I think its best to continue to deny...

 

it's best to NOT respond AT ALL. do not comment, as simple as that. why would you even continue to engage them and participate in that mess? again, you aren't his savior - he is a grown man. keep your mouth shut. don't admit, do not deny. move on with your life, it should really be as simple as that.

Edited December 18, 2016 by minimariah

[MidnightBlue1980]

She can't go NC with him. What business relationship are we talking about? I hope he is not a partner or something legally messy.

[watch210]

She can't go NC with him. What business relationship are we talking about? I hope he is not a partner or something legally messy.

 

That part is pretty much done and shouldn't be an issue at all.

[JustJoe]

That part is pretty much done and shouldn't be an issue at all.

Are you married, yourself. Yes or no. It will help posters to give proper advice.

[watch210]

Are you married, yourself. Yes or no. It will help posters to give proper advice.

 

 

No, I'm not. I should have mentioned that. I just don't want any drama. I have too much going on in my life to deal with it.

[minimariah]

That part is pretty much done and shouldn't be an issue at all.

 

GREAT! full NC. i understand you feel bad for him but i'm sure he knows you'll help him out if needed. you already told them to leave you alone so there is nothing else to be said anymore. if the harrassing continues - go to the police, call your lawyer... whatever the procedure is.

 

until then, block them on everything. do not answer their calls and if they start calling from unknown numbers - you hang up the minute you realize it's them. in situations like these, silence is the best response unless the harrassment continues and escalates. she will most likely give up after a period of time with no response or reaction.

[watch210]

GREAT! full NC. i understand you feel bad for him but i'm sure he knows you'll help him out if needed. you already told them to leave you alone so there is nothing else to be said anymore. if the harrassing continues - go to the police, call your lawyer... whatever the procedure is.

 

until then, block them on everything. do not answer their calls and if they start calling from unknown numbers - you hang up the minute you realize it's them. in situations like these, silence is the best response unless the harrassment continues and escalates. she will most likely give up after a period of time with no response or reaction.

 

 

Thank you. That's what my hope is. I don't want to be involved in this anymore at all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you. That's what my hope is. I don't want to be involved in this anymore at all.

 

I agree then. If he is out of any business relationships and you don't appear to be all in love with him, go NC. I also have a business and the last thing you want is this kind of stuff ruining your reputation. I understand you feel he is a friend but trust me, he will burn you at the stake to save himself. He is not your friend.

[Lady2163]

What is best for YOU?

 

This is where as the Other you get to be selfish and put yourself first.

 

Because nobody else in this situation will.

 

I don't know which came first, WH behaviors and neglect or her craziness.

 

But, if she is in that mode, you need to make sure you are protected. Again, no one is looking out for your best interests.

 

Many years ago I used to host swinging partes at my house. I had a group of around 50 people. I was always very hesitant to add any cheating husbands or wives, because I never wanted a deranged betrayed spouse (or children) to show up on my doorstep with a gun. If they were caught, the buck stopped with me.

 

Don't let this kind of drama into your life. This isn't on you to give her information. You can't fix her marriage.

 

Plus, since you've already lied, she isn't going to truly believe you now. Unless you have proof of everything you would confess to.

 

It is now the WH place to fix his marriage. You're an easy target. If she wants to stay with him, she has to play nice. Oh, she can make him suffer and work for her trust, etc. But, if she pushes too much, makes his life too miserable, he will throw in the towel. I think many BS know that. Their WS fight to stay in the marriage for two reasons: love (spouse and kids) and entanglements (money/house and responsibility). The fewer the entanglements or the greater the lack of true love just feeds the insecurities.

 

What I'm saying is: the wife may know she isn't loved and hasn't been lves for a while. All that holds him in place is money and love of his children. If his bond with his adult children is also weak, if she knows he could exist without them, her ability to hold him gets even weaker.

 

So, she's in panic mode.

 

Since you have already lied, since you want to continue to deny, since you don't want to meet her, the kindest thing you could probably do is tell her again you don't want any of the drama, don't contact you again, etc. Then block or don't respond.

 

Now, if she threatens or shows up and you TRULY feel unsafe, contact a lawyer and police.

[AutumnMoon]

Is there any possible way he's been having affair with somebody else and instead of outing that he told him it was you