D-day happened yesterday for an A ended long ago. Wife wants meeting and inquistion

[watch210]

The reason I ask is because what I could gather from talking to the wife/daughter is that what he told them was bit more benign than the REAL truth. Like I said, my goal here is to minimize conflict and prevent a potential war. I just don't feel like the REAL truth would benefit anyone at this point...

[dreamingoftigers]

The reason I ask is because what I could gather from talking to the wife/daughter is that what he told them was bit more benign than the REAL truth. Like I said, my goal here is to minimize conflict and prevent a potential war. I just don't feel like the REAL truth would benefit anyone at this point...

 

Typical thought Lin of someone who wishes to be conflict-avoidant.

 

However conflict-avoidance tends to actually BREED conflict and hostility.

 

Of you just actually TALKED to the woman instead of trying to bury your ish, she would be displeased at first but it would most likely defuse it much quicker. Especially when she grasps how devoid of empathy you are for her.

 

Honestly, what did you think was going to happen after YEARS of messing around with her husband?

 

Why would you mess around with a "lunatic's" husband anyhow? Does that strike you as wise?

[dreamingoftigers]

Imo, threatening to falsely report that someone is watching kiddie porn to get the info you want is CRAZY regardless of the circumstances.

 

I doubt she told you that directly, which means it's a second-hand story from MM.

 

My husband made me out to be the most psycho, stalking devil-incarnate during MC. I can only imagine what he said behind my back. I saw one email to a professional blaming me for him losing temporary custody of his daughter when I actually had NOTHING to do with it.

 

In fact, most of the time we were separated I had no clue where he was or what he was doing.

[watch210]

Let me be clear. At this point its not about what's right or wrong or empathy as far as I'm concerned. I don't care as I'm am removed emotionally from this situation. This is about damage control and preventing a war which would be bad for all parties. If that makes me selfish than so be it.

[Survivor12]

The reason I ask is because what I could gather from talking to the wife/daughter is that what he told them was bit more benign than the REAL truth. Like I said, my goal here is to minimize conflict and prevent a potential war. I just don't feel like the REAL truth would benefit anyone at this point...

 

Which is why she is asking you. She KNOWS the truth, but she needs validation to get past the gaslighting.

[dreamingoftigers]

If I go that route do you think it would be best to corroborate with him so that the stories match? I'm guessing as soon as he starts work tomorrow he's gonna contact me...

 

To whole point was to be honest and wash your hands of the matter.

 

Not find more ways to dig yourself deeper into dishonesty.

[dreamingoftigers]

Let me be clear. At this point its not about what's right or wrong or empathy as far as I'm concerned. I don't care as I'm am removed emotionally from this situation. This is about damage control and preventing a war which would be bad for all parties. If that makes me selfish than so be it.

 

You're provoking a war.

 

And clearly you do care. Look how many emotionally charged words you used in your OP and continuing.

 

Like many people, you seem to fail to realize that the easiest way OUT is THROUGH instead of trying to cover your and his arse.

[goodyblue]

You're provoking a war.

 

And clearly you do care. Look how many emotionally charged words you used in your OP and continuing.

 

Like many people, you seem to fail to realize that the easiest way OUT is THROUGH instead of trying to cover your and his arse.

 

I wouldn't cover his arse, I would go NC and let them deal with their own mess.

[CommittedToThis]

[]

 

As to the situation at hand, I think the letter of apology is an excellent suggestion, in addition to continued and complete NC with the MM.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[kidm]

I wouldn't cover his arse, I would go NC and let them deal with their own mess.

 

I agree with this. I would go NC completely and forever. If she wants to retaliate in some way, telling her the truth won't change her mind.

 

He is a grown man and can deal with consequences of his infidelity on his own. He doesn't need to be saved by you. I would let them deal with it. Stay out of it and next time if you don't want drama, don't carry on an affair with a married man. You can't dictate when the repercussions for your actions will come to fruition. It could be years later.

[dreamingoftigers]

No, he is not your ally now. Figure out your story and stick to it. He will now do and say anything to escape blame with his wife, including sticking you with all the blame.

 

Yeah, standard MM.

 

Right now he's telling his wife what a crazy, harassing stalker you are and how you seduced,manipulated, pushed, pulled, threatened business interests, probably filled that Dropbox with porn of all kinds, and otherwise became a lunatic.....blah blah blah.

 

We see it ALL THE TIME on here.

 

It's so cliche that it's a joke.

 

and you affair sounds so standard...

 

And so does your MM.

 

Somewhere out there is an MM with a crazy, lunatic wife who he can get rid of via a lawyer on speed-dial.

 

And somewhere out there is a Nigerian prince that really does just need to borrow your bank account and will make you a millionaire in return.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wouldn't cover his arse, I would go NC and let them deal with their own mess.

 

You mean "let them deal with the mess WH & OW made."

[JustJoe]

Watch210, you don't need to corroborate your stories with the BH, no, not at all. All the info that this woman can expect from you is 1.there was an inappropriate relationship 2.that relationship ended some time ago. 3. It is not ongoing 4. you have no future designs on the BH. 5. If she wants further details, ask her husband.......that's it. Then warn her about future harassment and refuse further contact. You're done.

[Lady2163]

Watch210, you don't need to corroborate your stories with the BH, no, not at all. All the info that this woman can expect from you is 1.there was an inappropriate relationship 2.that relationship ended some time ago. 3. It is not ongoing 4. you have no future designs on the BH. 5. If she wants further details, ask her husband.......that's it. Then warn her about future harassment and refuse further contact. You're done.

 

What I like about this is that it doesn't get detailed. However, I don't know that a bs would be satisfied or not.

 

There aren't any specifics you need to corroborate with MM.

 

It doesn't try to justify or excuse anything you did wrong or your emotions now or then.

[cocorico]

Ignore her. No good will come of it. You're just opening a door which she won't ever close. You already know she's crazy. Block her. If she contacts you again, seek a restraining order. If she has questions, let him answer them. He's the only one that owes her any answers.

[watch210]

I'll keep you guys updated with what happens. Hopefully it works out for everyone involved with minimal bloodletting.

[Lady2163]

One other thing-

If you live in one of the seven states that allows for alienation of affection lawsuits, do NOT contact her or talk to her if she contacts you. Definitely don't put anything in writing or email..

[MuddyFootprints]

Any conversation with the MM at this point will be seen as conspiring against his family.

 

After a year, you should be well on your way to being emotionally equipped enough confirm your position, proclaim your remorse, and enforce your boundaries.

 

It sounds as though there is still an emotional element and you still want to protect him.

 

Ultimately, by protecting him, you make yourself vulnerable.

[watch210]

One other thing-

If you live in one of the seven states that allows for alienation of affection lawsuits, do NOT contact her or talk to her if she contacts you. Definitely don't put anything in writing or email..

 

I just checked and thankfully not. Thanks for pointing that out. I had no idea such thing existed.

[Lady2163]

I just checked and thankfully not. Thanks for pointing that out. I had no idea such thing existed.

 

I think cases are rare, but Whew!

[watch210]

I never said I was "in terror". I said I was trying to prevent a war from happening...

[dreamingoftigers]

For those of you stating the obvious and preaching, yes, I know it was wrong. Don't need you to preach from up on your cloud of judgement. As I said, my main concern now is for damage control to prevent a war for the benefit of all parties involved...

 

Honestly, I would think the best thing for ALL parties involved is to let the wife know she should be tested for STDs, because her husband cheats.

 

Her husband and yourself could exercise taking some responsibility for your actions.

 

My husband's infidelity absolutely screwed with my life for EIGHT YEARS before he finally told me the truth about it.

 

[] I suffered EVERY DAY right until that final D-day, when I thought the suffering would be penultimate.

 

But it wasn't. It was a relief. I grieved a little for a week and it just disappeared. I was finally clear on exactly what my life was and what had been stolen from me the last eight years. It was the only release.

 

[]

 

I took the death of my marriage very seriously and very personally. I doubt I'm alone in that.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical material retained

[MuddyFootprints]

Then sign her peace treaty, hang up your battle gear, and walk away.

[Maddieandtae]

Watch210 this all so sad and is triggering some awful demons from my past!

 

My ex-h's OW and my ex-bf's other lady both would have considered me crazy! Both men gaslighted the h_ll out of me. I didn't know if I was coming or going:(

 

My ex-h did eventually confess to his affair so that counts for something. I never contacted his OW, she just would have thought I was crazy because my husband told her so.

 

The ex-bf never confessed although there was enough "evidence" that I really didn't need a confession, I wanted one though and it hurt a lot that both the ex-bf and other lady wouldn't give me one.

 

I did reach out to her and I was respectful and polite. I remember saying to her that I believed we were both in a relationship with the same man and did she know about me? I told her how I found out about her and I wanted to know if she had been with him first.

 

She chose not to confirm and I had a really hard time with that for a very long time. Today it doesn't hurt, she had her reasons not to tell me anything it wasn't my business to get into hers. It just sucked that I became a nut for a time trying to find answers. I honestly just wanted a yes or no and I guess I just figured her being a woman she would understand how it felt to be in the dark about her relationship.

 

It's a tough place to be in not knowing the truth, it can drive reasonably well adjusted adults into pathetic messes if not bat**** crazy :0

Edited December 19, 2016 by Maddieandtae

[dreamingoftigers]

I never said I was "in terror". I said I was trying to prevent a war from happening...

 

What is this war you keep referring to?

 

[]

 

[]

Do you think his wife is going to forget all of this? She's just going to go " oh well, I guess the fact that she won't call me back means my husband is really a loving faithful guy. Shucks he's just awesome."

 

I guarantee you, she's in Hell. Unless it's happened to you, you have no idea. It's a completely life-changing event on so many levels.

Edited December 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Tangentially topical content retained