D-day happened yesterday for an A ended long ago. Wife wants meeting and inquistion

[dreamingoftigers]

Double edged sword. People want her to put herself into the fire when it has been over for a year. No. They need to take care of their own marriage and OP needs to be left alone and move on.

 

Thats the thing, you arent likely to salve a wound you don't know exists.

 

How is the wife supposed to take care if their marriage when he is not being straight about any of it?

 

And how is she supposed to know that it's been "over a year" especially since they are still on contact and the husband is still doing some VERY EAish stuff.

 

I think "pot herself into the fire" is hyperbolic, so is "preventing a war."

 

So is my murder anaology.

 

I think it's more, 'just tell her what your part in it was and call it a day.'

 

It's really not that complicated. Uncomfortable, unpleasant as taking responsibility for ones own unsavory choices usually is, but not really confusing or complex.

[whichwayisup]

I asked again that they leave me alone and don't involve me in their family drama and if they continue to do so my lawyer will be in touch.

 

 

Your affair may be over but you two are still in touch a lot and it's probably turned into an emotional affair over time.

 

Anyway, calling lawyers is ridiculous, you DID have an affair with her husband, she's not wrong about that. He admitted it or had some form of evidence at home that she stumbled upon, either way, pretending and saying it never happened is bunk. Admit it, and move on. Why lie about your affair with him?

[cocorico]

Frankly, whether or not the BW is objectively "crazy" is beside the point. She is behaving aggressively toward the OP. It may escalate. The OP would be wise to disengage completely, protect herself, and take legal action if the BW continues to harass her.

[minimariah]

Frankly, whether or not the BW is objectively "crazy" is beside the point. She is behaving aggressively toward the OP.

 

this. i don't like the entire... - well, you had an A with her husband so she has the right to behave however she likes! --- that way... we can excuse & justify absolutely everything and everyone. the BS is hurt, obviously. and she didn't handle it well. what are the odds that she'll handle the actual truth any better?

 

and again, i understand the BS wanting to know about the OW. that's a natural curiosity & i understand reaching out. however - i don't understand pressing the OW for details, confirmation and so on... after the OW made it clear that she won't give ANYTHING away. that's humiliating. it's like in primary school - John's mom is calling your mom to see if John's at your house because he told her be WOULD be but she doesn't really trust him so she needs to check it out.

 

these are GROWN people with GROWN children. ALL of them acting immature.

[Maddieandtae]

I might have this wrong about the below! I wasn't curious about the other womens lives in my past two relationships with my ex-h and ex-bf.

 

I just wanted to know they for sure existed within the relationship that I thought was only between myself and the former partners I had at the time!

 

I never harassed or was abusive in my search, I think though that I can understand why someone could do that to the other person.

 

It can be one h_ll of a mind game when nobody will let you in on what they all know!

 

"and again, i understand the BS wanting to know about the OW. that's a natural curiosity & i understand reaching out. however - i don't understand pressing the OW for details, confirmation and so on"

[watch210]

Somebody called me this morning from his phone at 5:30am. I answered half asleep and they didn't say anything so I have no idea who it was.

[watch210]

I'm looking into getting a process server in that state and perhaps serving them a cease and desist letter if this continues...

[BuddyX]

I'm in the camp, he had another affair but threw the OP under the boss. He knew OP is a strong woman and would be willing to take the heat.

[sandylee1]

I'm in the camp, he had another affair but threw the OP under the boss. He knew OP is a strong woman and would be willing to take the heat.

 

It's entirely possible. Who knows why he choose to give up the OPs name. Many WS refuse to give up the names of the OW/OM, because they are in 'protect my AP mode'

so I can only assume there was some evidence of the A or that he felt compelled to be honest, because he doesn't want the marriage to end.

 

Otherwise he could have simply denied it like you're doing.

 

At the end of the day you don't have an obligation to meet with her. You don't need to speak to her/her daughter. You'd be best blocking their numbers and not answering calls from unknown or unidentified numbers.

 

In fact some phones can be set to not accept calls from unknown numbers.

 

Rather than deny the A, you should have just ignored and put the phone down. It probably makes him look like a fool (that his ex OW has denied him) , but that's not your problem. Just block them every which way.

[kidm]

I'm looking into getting a process server in that state and perhaps serving them a cease and desist letter if this continues...

 

Why don't you take the less hostile approach first and block his number and any other number wife and daughter called from?

[BTDT2012]

I'm looking into getting a process server in that state and perhaps serving them a cease and desist letter if this continues...

Wouldn't it be simpler (and cheaper) to block the number and/or change your number?

[William]

Oh, my, a member who had received a sanction requested a second review of this thread and I found nine more posts, now bringing the post total to over 60, which were either off-topic, inflammatory, or personally demeaning, or all of those, and were deleted and a number of members were moderated or suspended.

 

So much for the holiday season. For those who remain, please endeavor to remain focused on the topic, which is in regards to contact post-affair, apparently with an affair partner's spouse, and do so in a manner respecting our guidelines of interaction. Thanks!

[oldshirt]

Watch,

 

Their family issues are not your monkey, not your circus.

 

Do not answer ANY questions, block their phones, block their emails, do not respond to any communications from them in any manner.

 

If anyone shows up at your home or place of employment call the police and then have them served with a no-contact order.

 

Then move on with your own life.

[gettingstronger]

I'm a BS and I wish I had followed my own advice which is to either ignore or simply say, I have nothing to add, please don't contact me again. Engaging just amped up the drama, threats of legal action and actual legal action did nothing but add fuel to the fire. I have nothing to add isn't lying, it's truth. I get the "you owe her" thing, but honestly in the end, she'll regret the drama and wished you had cut her off leaving her to seek answers from her husband.

[wbm665]

Watch,

 

Their family issues are not your monkey, not your circus.

 

Do not answer ANY questions, block their phones, block their emails, do not respond to any communications from them in any manner.

 

If anyone shows up at your home or place of employment call the police and then have them served with a no-contact order.

 

Then move on with your own life.

 

THIS. THIS. ALL OF THIS!!!

 

 

Who cares if the MW is crazy, isn't crazy, you are driving her crazy, etc. That is ex-MM's problem to deal with. Not yours. You didn't make a commitment to her, you don't owe her anything. Block her, block him, walk away.

 

 

I really do think she will go away sooner than later though. Unless he continues to feed the crazy or gaslights her, but again... that is his misconduct, you aren't party to that.

 

 

I am an attorney and had the wife of a client contact me after I did a divorce consult for him accusing me of having an affair with him. (I mean, really, the hell - in 10 years of practice that's the first crazy wife I've had to deal with. And for clarity, I NEVER even exacted an inappropriate word with the guy. I couldn't have taken him as a client if I had and I won't risk my license for anyone). Her husband and I serve on a non-profit board together. I blocked her. Delivered the message to my client that any further contact by her would be reported as harassment. Also, got his approval to confirm he was a professional client. Never heard from her again. You owe her the exact same level of consideration. It's over. Been over. Block and walk away.

 

 

(BTW I do think the client deflected to me because I think he was having an affair, so when she thought it was me, it protected the true OW. But that is just speculation on my part and I don't need to know that fact to handle the divorce if he decides to pursue it.)

[seren]

For what it is worth, the end of the A and D Day is the beginning of trying to make sense of everything that happened over the time frame of the A. The gaslighting during an A is cruel, each time the WS says nothing is happening, each time they leave for an appointment, work event etc and the BS suspects they are lying, is another mind f*** for the BS. At times they question their sanity and it is that, that makes them feel they are going crazy and not because they are. I would also add that IMO, the WS is to blame for this, but the AP enables this. I understand the not wanting to open a can of worms, but, the can of worms was created the moment the A started. It might be convenient for the BS to just shoulder shrug and walk away to make life easier for the AP, but it is hard to consider another's wellbeing and peace of mind when your life has blown up and two people helped it to.

 

The OW and I spoke and we shared information and that was that, on my part, on hers, years of stalking and some pretty crazy behaviour, I understood, she had been dumped by H and she wanted answers. You have no idea what the BS is like or what she is asking of you. Just what the WS has told you. Of course she is curious, it doesn't make her crazy, just hurt and looking for answers. IDK what business you are in, or if it will hurt your business, TBH, any A has the potential to damage a business, if the reputation of the managers is an issue. You aren't guaranteed that she won't make it known there was an A.

 

I also understand people who say don't tell, block contact, the same people would have given you very different advice if you had posted you were hurt at being dumped, then it would be tell the BS, often hypocrisy shouts different things depending on what side of the fence people are on.

 

I will be forever grateful to the OW for clearing up some of my thoughts and she me as I too answered what she needed answered. We are just people, getting on with life, hurting, loving and not some downtrodden shadows who have to suck things up. I would say send a letter, confirm it happened and then let her know not to contact you again but to ask the WS. There is no War, but there are already casualties, they are the family of the WS and they are hurt and trying to deal with a bomb thrown into their world. The looking for answers will drive them both around the bend, at least acknowledge there was a reason for them suspecting, let them know it has been over for a year and that, if you are, sorry. Then get on with life.

[anika99]

THIS. THIS. ALL OF THIS!!!

 

 

Who cares if the MW is crazy, isn't crazy, you are driving her crazy, etc. That is ex-MM's problem to deal with. Not yours. You didn't make a commitment to her, you don't owe her anything. Block her, block him, walk away.

 

 

I really do think she will go away sooner than later though. Unless he continues to feed the crazy or gaslights her, but again... that is his misconduct, you aren't party to that.

 

 

I am an attorney and had the wife of a client contact me after I did a divorce consult for him accusing me of having an affair with him. (I mean, really, the hell - in 10 years of practice that's the first crazy wife I've had to deal with. And for clarity, I NEVER even exacted an inappropriate word with the guy. I couldn't have taken him as a client if I had and I won't risk my license for anyone). Her husband and I serve on a non-profit board together. I blocked her. Delivered the message to my client that any further contact by her would be reported as harassment. Also, got his approval to confirm he was a professional client. Never heard from her again. You owe her the exact same level of consideration. It's over. Been over. Block and walk away.

 

 

(BTW I do think the client deflected to me because I think he was having an affair, so when she thought it was me, it protected the true OW. But that is just speculation on my part and I don't need to know that fact to handle the divorce if he decides to pursue it.)

 

The bolded is what I think too which means the wife wasn't crazy at all, she just hadn't located the right person.

[oldshirt]

Any response or information given to the BS will only make her want MORE. She will never be satisfied with the info given.

 

The only way to end this is to refuse contact, block and walk away and never look back.

[Sub]

There's a chance that the BW doesn't necessarily want specific answers from you. Contacting you may just be a way of letting you know she knows, or that you know she exists for that matter. I agree that their problems are their own. But obviously, you made your own decisions and there are consequences. Such as this drama. Speaking from experience as a BS: the OM told my W to deny everything after I found out. He was unaware of how much I knew, apparently thinking I was in the dark. I reached out to him once, just to let him know that I did know. He didn't respond to me, instead contacting my W about it. That was pretty much it between he and I. I got everything I needed from my W.

 

I wouldn't tell you to open up about it to her. I don't think there's anything you could say that would help her, other than simply acknowledging that what happened did happen. Just don't assume that she doesn't know, or that she's crazy for feeling the way she feels. Everyone needs to own their part in this.

[NTV]

You knew the risks when you slept with a married man that this could happen. It was probably part of the excitement and intensity. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't understand why you feel unjustly drawn Into the drama here..? I'm actually kinda surprised you didn't have a plan in place for this too.

[sandylee1]

You knew the risks when you slept with a married man that this could happen. It was probably part of the excitement and intensity. I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't understand why you feel unjustly drawn Into the drama here..? I'm actually kinda surprised you didn't have a plan in place for this too.

 

NTV,

 

I don't think most who have affairs really expect a dday. If those consequences were thought about, there would be a lot less As in the first place.

[NTV]

NTV,

 

I don't think most who have affairs really expect a dday. If those consequences were thought about, there would be a lot less As in the first place.

 

Yeah but she planned out so well that she sounds absolutely certain there is no evidence over the course of 5 years... that level of meticulous is why I am surprised.

[sweet_pea]

I'm not a lawyer, but don't many cease and desist letters include the party signing an affidavit? In this case, wouldn't that mean you would have to swear under oath that you didn't have an affair and that you're being unfairly/unnecessarily harassed? If so, then what? Someone with experience feel free to correct me!

 

Also, what is your plan when they respond to the cease and desist? I don't believe a cease and desist letter is so cut and dried and may end up opening an even bigger can of worms that you're trying to avoid.

 

This is very elementary but holds true time and time again: honesty is the best policy.

[sandylee1]

Yeah but she planned out so well that she sounds absolutely certain there is no evidence over the course of 5 years... that level of meticulous is why I am surprised.

 

Even more reason to not expect a dday if one is sure there's no evidence over the period of the affair.

 

Some APs have a plan of action for a possible dday, others just bask in the enjoyment of the affair and don't give it much thought, but I understand what you're saying

 

Kind of like 'if you can't do the time'

 

In this case there is evidence, just that it's likely in the form of a confession.

 

On a slightly seperate note .... I wonder why it only seems to be MM that lie so much about their BW being crazy, unstable and all things related. MWs stick more to reality and say their BH isn't giving attention or is a bit boring.

 

It's just amazing how many BWs are alledged psychos according to the WH.

 

Is it being married to these men that drove them crazy, or the MM was blinded by love that he never saw what was glaringly obvious.

[cocorico]

 

Is it being married to these men that drove them crazy, or the MM was blinded by love that he never saw what was glaringly obvious.

 

Sometimes it's the whole KISA thing. They think they can save these broken women from themselves, and then find out later they can't.