Discarded after a years worth of abuse. Very upset.

[Yaknow321]

I dont know if I am upset with the loss of him, or I'm truly mad at myself for letting this go on for so long even though I felt he was toxic. To the world, he was a great guy! All around nice caring man. To me, nothing I did was right - what was acceptable to say one day, wasnt acceptable the next. His rages against me were verbally abusive. Even something simple as making plans sometimes would set him off in a downward spiral and he'd attack me with words. Every time I tried to end things because we didnt seem to get along, he'd tell me we get along great -and I was too uptight, sensitive, and tended to overthink everything. Some days I'd believe him. Some days I wouldnt. We had a massive blowout a few months ago - and I blocked him from Facebook, which enraged him. I wanted NOTHING to do with him anymore and for weeks after he tried hard to get me back. It worked after a few weeks - I went back, he was all nice and charming until the abuse started again. Some days he'd be all into flirting via text - some days I'd try to do it, and I'd get just a "thank you" back. He had some bizarre obsession with food and mens genitalia - which I found out at the tail end of the relationship - I knew something was not right - but I do realize sometimes men have weird sexual fantasies. Since I never unblocked him from FB because my gut wouldnt allow it - he ended up lashing out at me over the fact that I did not know that his 'friend' committed suicide & that he had been depressed. Turns out it wasnt a friend, it was an acquaintance. Like everything else, he posted it on facebook to get sympathy and attention (for someone elses tragedy he didnt even know) - Anyways, he dropped me- said he no longer wanted any communication with me. I am hurt, but relieved. I didnt know how much longer I could take this from him- push/pull, hot/cold, I want you/I hate you behavior. He made me think it was me - that i was damaged and that I should be thankful to have him in my life regardless of my shortcomings and I believed him. I need a way to move past all of this and get my confidence back. It has been a crazy emotional ride for me, and I have no one to talk to about it, because I just keep getting 'get over it'. He ripped out my confidence, I started questioning my sanity. Its not so easy to 'get over it'. I hope this time he is gone. I need no contact to heal. I dont want to go to therapy but my head is all over the place. Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the 'loss' and also fix the damage done?

[Nadine123]

Hi there,

 

welcome to the forum Like you, I was with an emotional abusive partner and was then ghosted by him and this is when I really began blaming them.

 

One thing you should remind yourself is that you didnt do anything wrong. You went back to him the second time because you loved him and thought that he would have the decency to do the right thing. He chose to mishandle it, which isnt your fault at all

 

It will hurt but you will get through this. The most important thing is for you to NEVER speak to him again, even if he tries to contact you again. If you do, then it will literally be your fault next time as he already showed you who he is.

 

I was ghosted five months ago and had the courage to walk away. Now I dont even care about his existence and trust me, there are better guys out there who will treat you the way you deserve.

 

Feel free to post her whenever you want, we will not tell you to ''get over it''.

[Yaknow321]

Thank you, Nadine! Sometimes it's as clear as day that I wasn't always at fault, and some days it's not too easy to believe that. I don't know what he did to me. It's clear I was mentally tougher and way more resilient then him. Even he told me that. He was so thin skinned, he couldn't take any critism ! I have an invisible disability which he know about and one night I mentioned I didn't like when he made me feel uncomfortable about it. He exploded on me, stormed off left me alone crying in a parking lot. A few minutes later I got a text saying he was glad he came out and got to see me and hoped I got home okay. Unbelievable!!! I can't believe I dealt with this! Thank you for the support and listening! I truly need to believe it was him and not me. I have a hard time getting past that. By the way he's a (almost 50 year old single man).

Edited December 19, 2016 by Yaknow321

[AT15]

Sounds familiar, Nadine is correct.

Your ex has many psychological problems with himself and he is seeing you, treating you thru that prism of self hatred. He isn't conscious of it. He is unconscious of it. All he knows is that he is in deep pain and he can't deal with it emotionally, so he then finds someone to throw it onto like a hot potato.

 

That person he is using is you. We take it so personally. It's understandable, because we feel wronged, abused, used and discarded. But, hurt people, hurt people. Just take care of you. You are the most important person in this moment. Tend to your pain. You will be clear one day.

[Yaknow321]

This is probably why he has really no friends and no one truly cares about him. He's no longer my problem and I just have to learn and deal with having to get myself back together. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't be normal! Thanks for the advice!

[Downtown]

I just couldn't understand why he couldn't be normal!

Yaknow, you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Specifically, the behaviors you mention -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling attitude, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy).

 

At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after seeing "a year's worth of abuse" -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

He was so thin skinned, he couldn't take any criticism!

Some people are free bleeders because they lack the coagulation that causes blood to clot and stop flowing out of the body. Well, BPDers are like that with their feelings, with the result that they often do an "emotional hemoraging." They are so emotionally immature that, like young children, they lack the ability to shut off or regulate their outflow of intense feelings. Hence, if your exBF is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he likely will be super happy when he's happy and often will exhibit full out rage when he's angry. Because he lacks the emotional skills to regulate those emotions, he is unable to do self soothing to calm himself down.

 

He made me think it was me... I started questioning my sanity.

If you actually dated a BPDer for over a year, "questioning my sanity" is exactly how you should have been feeling. Of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the abused partners have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

 

Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not really intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their partners.

 

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. As AT15 explained above, "He isn't conscious of it. He is unconscious of it." Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience.

 

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to fall in love with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer partners sincerely believe the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. And a week later, when the BPDer is now claiming the exact opposite, he likely is convinced that is true too. The abused partner therefore mistakenly believes that, if she can only figure out what SHE is doing wrong, she can restore the BPDer back to that wonderful man she saw at the beginning.

 

To the world, he was a great guy! All around nice caring man.

He likely is a great guy. Most BPDers are good and caring individuals. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, being unstable due to their emotional immaturity. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

To me, nothing I did was right - what was acceptable to say one day, wasn't acceptable the next.

My BPDer exW is that way. So are her sisters. The result is that they can tease each other six times in a row with the same old joke -- and all three will burst out laughing. On the seventh occasion, however, one of them will become so offended by this same joke that she will stop speaking to the other two sisters for several months.

 

If your exBF is a BPDer, this behavior likely occurs because he has been carrying enormous anger and shame deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to say a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that's always there.

 

...push/pull, hot/cold, I want you/I hate you behavior.

BPDers are so notorious for a cycle of push-away/pull-back behavior that the #2 best-selling BPD book is titled, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me! This push-pull cycle occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one fear without moving closer to triggering the other fear.

 

Namely, as you draw close to assure him of your love, you will trigger a BPDer's engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, he will quickly feel like you're trying to control him -- and he will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed. He therefore will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away. Hence, telling a joke that he has laughed at numerous times may be all it takes to send him into a rage.

 

Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering his great abandonment fear. Once that fear is triggered, he likely will start love bombing you again to pull you back into the toxic relationship. Hence, if your exBF is a BPDer, you were always in a lose/lose situation. You would lose no matter what you did.

 

He has really no friends and no one truly cares about him.

Most BPDers are high functioning, which means that they typically deal very well with business associates, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people pose a threat to his two great fears. There is no close R/S that can be abandoned. And there is no intimacy that would trigger his fear of engulfment. His dark side will start showing, however, as soon as one of those folks makes the mistake of drawing close to him to form a close friendship. Then the two fears will be triggered and he will push the friend away. This is why BPDers typically have no close long-term friends -- unless that friend lives a long distance away.

 

I truly need to believe it was him and not me.... I don't know what he did to me.

The toxic relationship is not something HE did to you. Rather, it is something you BOTH did to each other. A toxic relationship can last a year only when both parties are willing participants. His contributions to the toxicity -- e.g., his abusiveness and rapid mood flips -- are easy to see.

 

Your contributions, on the other hand, are much more difficult to see because -- after all -- you were only trying to help him and love him the whole time. What you were doing, however, is called "enabling behavior." That is, you were enabling him to act like a spoiled young child who was throwing temper tantrums -- and allowing him to GET AWAY WITH IT. Of course, what you should have done instead is to allow him to suffer the logical consequences of his own bad behavior. You should have left him many months ago and not taken him back.

 

It is very painful to walk away from a BPDer relationship. One reason is that, because BPDers are vulnerable and childlike in many respects, walking away feels like you are abandoning a vulnerable young child. Another reason is that, because a BPDer has virtually zero personal boundaries, you almost certainly became enmeshed with HIS feelings and HIS problems -- failing to distinguish them from your own.

 

To your great credit, however, you figured most of this out on your own. As you say, "I'm truly mad at myself for letting this go on for so long even though I felt he was toxic." In my experience, it is very common for abused partners -- even for for those who are mentally healthy -- to spend 6 to 12 months trying to fix a BPDer relationship. Then they walk away. I therefore see no reason for you to beat yourself up over your decision to stay too long.

 

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with the 'loss' and also fix the damage done?

I agree with Nadine and AT15 that you cannot fix him and should stay away from him. I also suggest that you read about BPD red flags to see if they cast light on your situation. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man who is just like him.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Nadine and AT15 in discussing them with you. Take care, Yaknow.

[Yaknow321]

WOW, Downtown, you described him to a "T'. He was so nice and caring and helpful to casusal friends and coworkers on Facebook while lashing out in this uncontrollable over the top anger toward me all the time. I felt so isolated, like why are these other people not seeing what I see. You just explained it all. Ive never once been called crazy (like real crazy), or unstable, and I've never questioned my mind ONCE until I met this man. Facebook is his life! He is almost 50, and his attention on there is the most important thing in the world, whereas I do not need the attention on that website, because I have it in real life, from family and friends etc. He will truly never be happy with himself - he has even said that. One time he did mention he was a narcissist. I just could NEVER seem to understand WHY he could never apologize. Never once did I get i'm sorry I hurt you, or I'm sorry I made you cry - nothing. Just Its MY fault he reacted the way he did - it wasn't fair to HIM. He'd send me a selfie to get me to 'snap out ' of my mood, and forgive him. The amount of selfies he took are alarming. I'm in my 40s, I do not care about selfies or facebook or anything like that. I don't mean to sound like social media is bad, but it is just not my thing - I'd rather have close friends who I actually speak to and hang out with then 'likes' on Facebook. I cannot understand that mentality at all. Anyways - I'm starting to see the trees while standing outside of the Forest. I need to let this all go - expecially beating myself up part. That doesn't feel to good, but I should be okay - I always am I will check out The warning signs you mentioned. Thank you so much for helping me with this!!!

[Yaknow321]

Also - wanted to mention that I never understood his deep depression when someone he really didn't know, or a famous person passed away. Like he was WAY more upset about Prince dying then he was ever upset about making me cry or devastating me. It was bizarre behavior to say the least. He truly bottomed out with this type of news, but had not a care in the world with what he did to me.

[Downtown]

One time he did mention he was a narcissist.

Having strong BPD traits does not rule out his also having strong traits of another PD. A recent randomized study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 47% of the male, full-blown BPDers also have full-blown NPD (Narcissistic PD). See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. The vast majority of BPDers exhibit strong traits of at least one other PD -- together with traits of one or two "clinical disorders" such as depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, or PTSD.

 

The reason I suggested you take a look at BPD traits is that you seem to be describing behavior that is emotionally unstable but that nonetheless exhibited genuine feelings of love and concern. In contrast, full-blown narcissists typically are very stable and incapable of loving anyone.

 

Facebook is his life! He is almost 50, and his attention on there is the most important thing in the world.

The constant seeking of attention is a narcissistic trait. Whereas narcissists seek constant verification of their false image of being special and nearly perfect, BPDers seek validation of their false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

I never understood his deep depression when someone he really didn't know, or a famous person passed away.

Depression and other mood disorders are common in BPDers. The study mentioned above found that 69% of male BPDers also have a co-occurring mood disorder. Significantly, when a BPDer experiences great internal pain like depression, it gives him some relief to "externalize" the source of that pain, putting it outside his body. Moreover, a BPDer has such a low sense of personal boundaries that it is difficult for him to know where his feelings/problems stop and those of other people begin.

 

The result is that it is common for a BPDer to believe that his unhappiness really does originate from some minor thing YOU have done or said -- or from the death of a public figure like Prince. This process is called "projection."

[Yaknow321]

WOW, okay - you are very wise, Downtown. Makes complete sense. I thought maybe I was having trouble with empathy, because I could not understand where this depression came from. So basically, to sum this up - he is just not normal and an emotional mess. At 50 years old he isn't going to get any better. I think he may know something is wrong with him, I just don't think he cares. He has a VERY busy career, and is all over planet. It is a perfect job for someone who cannot get emotionally close. At first, he advised his career is why he hadn't settled down, but now I see it is not his traveling at all - Its him. He did say the relationship before me, it was going well until he got claustrophobic and that was the end of it. I don't think he'd ever have a healthy normal relationship - I just don't. I'm happy to hear that it wasn't me who was losing it. Youre right I was an enabler, but I'm glad to know that it wasn't me who was the crazy one, and I think I should be counting my blessings that he is gone, instead of beating myself up. The holidays was the worst time for us, anyways. Last year, I told him I was so excited that I got a new coffee brew station from my sister for Christmas, and his reply was that he had his own money to buy stuff he wants. Weird response. I'm glad I do not have to deal with that again this year, I want to ENJOY my holidays with friends and family! Thank you again for the insight, you really know a lot about this. Im sorry this happened to you as well, this is not fun and I would not wish this treatment on anyone. This definitely explains why he was WAY nicer towards me when I was mad at him and cold and distant when I tried to warm up again!!!

Edited December 19, 2016 by Yaknow321

[AT15]

Yaknow,

 

I think a dated and had a serious relationship with a NPD/BPD. I could feel his sudden mood swings. He would be so angry on the inside and almost bursting at the seams to be a jerk. He almost resented treating me well at times. Instead of taking it out on me he targeted my 4 year old daughter. He didn't like how much attention I gave her. He would cry just because and come up with a reason to justify his weird crying spells. He was very manipulative. He alwYs needed a woman around. Being alone made him so uncomfortable, but he cheated on every girlfriend he ever had. He self sabotaged a lot. His mother was a crack addict by the time here as 5.

 

He is always on social media. He would send five women the same message, hoping one would respond. He was very attractive and charming. Funny and engaging. But, couldn't create a good lifestyle for himself. He was a male whore. I'm not even kidding. I woman would give him money and pay his bills, all he had to do was sleep with her and spend time with her. He slept with transgenders. He was EXTREMELY promiscuous. And didn't use protection. I know because I hacked his Facebook and read his messages.

 

I became hooked on him because I was in a VERY vulnerable state of mind. Post marriage looking for sex and fulfillment. He felt vulnerable and in need of love like me. But as time went on, he showed how selfish he was. So many red flags, but his vulnerability always made me feel I had to be more understanding, or only if I could reach him on a deeper level.

 

I know. Crazy. He broke up with me in Fall 2015 and I was devastated. I knew he wasn't sane, but I was still destroyed. Because, I felt I had put so much energy into this person wanting him to address his issues, and for him to bail??? I felt betrayed. But, one day...I know I will be SO glad itd didn't work out. He has a cocaine habit, smokes weed alllll day (even at work), and he's extremely manipulative.

 

I still have a mental addiction toward him, my brain seems to think he will change at times. My heart is not involved, it's just the thoughts. Right now I am trying to undo the mental addiction.

 

I didn't mean to go and on. But, I know how you're feeling. I've been there.

Edited December 19, 2016 by AT15

[CommittedToThis]

Downtown is right on the money, Yaknow.

 

I spent 10 years in a similar relationship; I loved her and always tried to "fix" things but as you describe, it's never enough and take it from me, the abuse gets exponentially worse with time.

 

Block him and never look back. Google stuff like "narcissistic cycle of abuse" and see if any of it rings a bell.

 

Wishing you the best, I am living proof there is an awesome life waiting on the other side of the freaky fence.

[Yaknow321]

AT15, That is crazy! But I understand ALL of what you are saying. They have sort of an addictive element about them. That is why I am here. I've always been sane, never been accused of being anything but level headed, but here I am wondering WHAT I did wrong. Mine did not have a drug habit, but I cant even imagine what that is like with drugs in the mix. Mine was a male whore as well, but he wanted to talk to women about their sex life - like, he some how got off on that information. He always wanted to know about my past sex life, and would hint I should go out and meet a guy and go home with them and send him pictures. I think he was either bi, or closeted gay maybe. Downtown mentioned that BPDs are most likely good people, but I may disagree with that in my case. He was NOT a nice person in real life. I think he did nice things because he knew normal people did them. They were few and far in between and also gave him a reason to post about it on Facebook- to make him look amazing!. I broke my rib a few days before I was set to have surgery and when I told him he called me a dunce. He didn't even ask how I felt after my surgery. I think that it was a SHOW for him to be nice. He really was not nice at all, and didn't have a care in the world about anyone UNLESS they were giving him attention. He once brutally ridiculed my friends grammer on a stupid facebook post and She got upset - I told him that she was really sick with MS, and to just please leave her alone - and he told me to stop badgering him about it. That is NOT a good person. He was fake. Yes, like you I still have a mental attachment to him and I have NO CLUE why - as I reread what I type I almost vomit, its so clear- but it isn't. if that makes sense. Like you, I want and need to get rid of this - this is not me.

[Yaknow321]

By the way, after a while - I couldn't even get him to be intimate with me. It was few and far between. He had some arousal issues after a while, so he avoided me in that sense and called my advances 'pressure'. I had to ask multiple times whether or not he still found me attractive and he would say Of course I do. I think out of everything - that part hurt the most & was the most damaging to my self confidence, and I never had issues about my looks ever.

[Downtown]

So basically, to sum this up - he is just not normal and an emotional mess.

I don't know that. I know he exhibits BPD traits only because we all do. Yet, because I've never met the man, I cannot know how strong and persistent those traits are. Hence, the best I can do is to describe what the classic BPD traits look like so you can decide -- for yourself -- whether you were seeing a strong pattern of BPD behaviors.

 

After being abused by that man for over a year, you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to spot strong occurrences of verbal abuse, impulsiveness, temper tantrums, rapid flips between adoring and devaluing you, controlling actions, jealousy, and always being "The Victim" (i.e., blaming you for every misfortune and unhappiness).

 

I think he may know something is wrong with him, I just don't think he cares.

Both narcissists and BPDers have such weak egos that they don't have a strong sense of who they really are. To the extent a BPDer has a lasting sense of self at all, it is the false self image of being "The Victim." But BPDers generally have a vague awareness that this false self image is a false identity -- and, for this reason, they often have a vague feeling that they're being "fake." In contrast, narcissists are so completely out of touch with their true selves that they usually are unaware that their false self image -- of being special and nearly perfect -- is false.

 

He has a VERY busy career, and is all over planet. It is a perfect job for someone who cannot get emotionally close.

BPDers are able to get emotionally close. Indeed, they crave intimacy like nearly every other adult. Consequently, during the infatuation period, a BPDer typically will exhibit a passion and sexual behavior that is very intense. This is possible because, during the courtship period, the BPDer's infatuation convinces him that you're the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness. In this way, his infatuation holds his two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay.

 

Yet, when his infatuation starts to evaporate -- typically about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- his two fears return and you will start triggering his fear of engulfment during intimacy. This is why, after the courtship period ends, a BPDer will crave intimacy but won't be able to handle it for very long. He therefore will create arguments -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away and give himself breathing room. The result is that, if your exBF is a BPDer, you likely found him exhibiting the very WORST behavior immediately after, or during, the very BEST of times -- e.g., right after an intimate evening or smack in the middle of a great vacation.

 

The holidays was the worst time for us, anyways.

Like I said, BPDers tend to behave the very WORST right after, or during, the very BEST of times. Once you get beyond the courtship period, a BPDer cannot handle intimacy for very long before he starts feel suffocated and engulfed by your strong personality.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you as well.

Thank you, Yaknow. Actually, there are numerous LoveShack members who report that they went through these same experiences -- some of them for many years. Salparadise, for example, tells us what it felt like to live with a BPDer wife for 23 years. Sal provides a very concise and insightful description of that experience in his 3/11/16 post.

[Yaknow321]

Downtown, I really truly believe that he is BPD and maybe a mixture of narcissism as well. There was too many signs and too many WTF moments from me. He could get emotionally close but that was ONLY when he was depressed and wanted to share what was going through his mind at that time. And youre right about the pushing me away thing. Once we connected and reconnected he'd pull away again and I wouldn't hear from him for days until I would reach out to see how he was doing and he'd treat me like I was a pest. Bottom line, He could say how much he cared about me, he liked my personality, wanted to spend time with me and he was attracted to me - but his actions were the complete opposite most of the time. We were only really on good terms if we were talking about him, his struggles, how great he is etc etc. Basically only when I was giving him support, or listening to his struggles. Hed feel smothered and then want attention again - Rinse and repeat. Then dropped me, like I'm garbage. I know you cannot diagnose him, neither can I - but I can bet the farm he is definitely absolutely positively emotionally stunted and has a MILLION issues with himself. If I didn't see him for a little bit because of work, he'd always ask how I thought he looked - did he look better or worse? Fatter or skinner then before? I didn't even ask that!!! As I write all of this, I guess its best for me to learn to move on mentally. I wont allow him to come back - Ive heard they sometimes do? I really hope not because I think I'm more angry at him & myself, then upset.

[BlkVelvet]

One time he did mention he was a narcissist.

 

BINGO.

 

You will heal OP. Just don't fall for the "hoovering".

[Yaknow321]

......and in the beginning he was the happiest funniest guy who text and called me constantly, made plans in advance etc etc. And then poof, that all changed. With no reason as to why. When I questioned it, I got cold unemotional responses and was treated like a pest. Red flag.

[Yaknow321]

BlkVelvet - Do they always hoover? I've read that this is sort of common. A friend of mine thinks she saw him recently on Tinder - I'm not surprised. He isn't on there for a 'relationship' - he's on there for attention. Problem with him is that he is not very good looking, and he's very immature. I feel like since everyone was wondering what I saw in him - He could come back, because I don't know if anyone would put up with what I put up with. He doesn't even want to put into the effort to date. He's cheap as well. Its too much work. Hes too moody to have someone up his rear end. That's how I feel this may play out - he might look for the 'better' and realize maybe I wasn't so bad and try to come back - Its a good thing he is blocked everywhere - but he does know where I live, and when he wants something - he wants it now. That's my only concern!

[CommittedToThis]

I don't know if anyone would put up with what I put up with.

 

He will likely Hoover you at some point, most do.

 

They will Hoover you after the person they discarded you for dumps them, the way we wish we had at the sign of the first red flag.

 

Most people are not empathetic the way you appear to be, so your ex will likely find himself being dumped quite frequently, and he will likely always return to you because he knows you're a good source of narcissistic supply.

 

Unfortunately there is only one proven way to kick a narcissist to the curb forever and that's by establishing and maintaining 100% no contact.

 

They hate that sh*t.

 

All the best, I'm glad you're out!

[Yaknow321]

Well, from what I've read and the advice I've gotten on here, it just seems like a very very very bad idea to take anyone back after this. I would be delusional to think it would be sunshine and rainbows and we'd ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. It will Never happen - not with me. I have too much of a grudge against him and that cannot be forgiven. You've all been great thank you so much for this insight and advice. I think I would have been a mess for a little while longer had I not ended up on here

[BlkVelvet]

Well, from what I've read and the advice I've gotten on here, it just seems like a very very very bad idea to take anyone back after this. I would be delusional to think it would be sunshine and rainbows and we'd ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. It will Never happen - not with me. I have too much of a grudge against him and that cannot be forgiven. You've all been great thank you so much for this insight and advice. I think I would have been a mess for a little while longer had I not ended up on here

 

 

Please understand that this will not be easy to just get over. You WILL have moments / days of weakness, missing him, having the urge to contact him. You spent a year addicting yourself to the highs and lows of this volatile r/s. Your brain will start searching for its fix. Just ride it out, be patient with yourself, keep posting here, and know that's its just the unavoidable process you'll have to go through.

 

To answer your previous question about hoovering, no, they dont always hoover, especially if they no longer see you as a viable source of supply, but usually, yes, they do. Each successful hoover though, will only have you devalued and discarded quicker and more cruelly than the last. You DON'T WANT A HOOVER.

[Yaknow321]

Please understand that this will not be easy to just get over. You WILL have moments / days of weakness, missing him, having the urge to contact him. You spent a year addicting yourself to the highs and lows of this volatile r/s. Your brain will start searching for its fix. Just ride it out, be patient with yourself, keep posting here, and know that's its just the unavoidable process you'll have to go through.

 

That is EXACTLY what I feel - Like withdrawal. I thought there was something wrong with me and I was obsessing or something. I've ended relationships and men have broken up with me and it has been nothing like this! Thank you for making me feel comfortable enough to reach out if I'm having a weak moment - Most people were telling me to just 'get over it' and move on. I couldn't explain why I couldn't do it so easily! Thank you for letting me know i'm not alone and this is a normal process.

[LuvMyDogMore]

Hello ~

I have never participated in a forum like this, I was completely at a loss of where to turn when I signed up. And now I know: I am not alone.

 

I dated a federal agent for 3.5 years who fits into so many of the categories described in this thread: amazing, smart, funny, cute...vicious, jealous, irrational, emotionally abusive, physically abusive on a number of occasions [but only when drinking, so that quickly got excused by both of us]. We broke up so many times I cannot even count, only to reconcile within a day or a week.

 

Just about everything I did was wrong: who I spoke to, how I acted at work, how I responded to customers (I'm a bartender), what I did on my days off. He was 'perfect' by his own admission -- except on the drinking occasions where he would admit fault to the point even I felt sorry for him...my bruised throat he had strangled the night before aside. He "set the example" of how to behave, why did I have to constantly do things to displease him? One day I was the most perfect, beautiful woman he could imagine and the next I was a virtual whore in my behavior towards the opposite sex (I am by no means whore-like in my appearance or behavior).

 

Our final snapping point: I signed up to run a half-marathon, by myself. I didn't invite him, wanted to do it all on my own. I felt proud, confident, afraid, excited -- and he was beyond furious. I decided I needed to move out of the state if I ever hoped to get out from under the situation I had created, depended on, loved, hated; the situation that was drowning me. So I did -- I moved across the country. Still in love with him.

 

His rage and hurt is beyond vile, via text & email & VM. Every time I broke NC, I received a battery of hate. He is now [7 weeks after I left the state] blocked from texting, but his VM show up in my 'blocked VM' folder of my phone. Who can resist listening to these gems?? Gmail won't allow you to block a sender, so despite being tagged as 'spam' 90% of his drunken hate ends up in my inbox. Who can resist reading those delightful words?? Ugh.

 

And his latest and greatest is that he's begun dating again (yeah, already) and sending me pictures of the girls he's dating. I literally want to vomit when I see this. Who does this? Oh yeah, someone with BPD. Ironically, when I was living with him I secretly bought a book on BPD thinking I could analyze what might be wrong, how I could help, how I could fix everything. One chapter into the book I decided 'that doesn't apply to him' and immediately got rid of the book...funny how now everything rings true, it all sounds familiar.

 

The breakup? I feel like a complete addict, thinking about him all the time, crying, wishing things were different, wondering if I made a mistake by moving, wondering if he was right about my horrific behavior, wondering why he loved me for 3.5 years if I was such a horrid person? It made me then, and makes me now, feel completely and utterly crazy.

 

It is almost input overload to read everyone's contributions to this subject; I've never been here before. I guess I'll say thank you to everyone who's offered up experiences and info, Downtown has cited some amazing things, and I appreciate being here.

[Yaknow321]

Hello and welcome to the forum. I hope you find some clarity and answers. I too, as you probably read was in an emotionally abusive relationship - At first he made me believe my behavior was horrible. And I started to actually think he might be right - and then he'd be all nice, and Id think Wow, this man really must love me to put up with my behavior. WRONG. I understand he was doing this, to make me feel like I needed him to point out what is REALLY going on because I was not stable enough to recognize my own behavior. There was a ton that downtown said, that really hit the nail on the head - and of course the shortened version is that this is a lose/lose situation. And the breakup, will feel like withdrawals. You miss the drama. Its hard to get over that part of it, and as another poster here said, and is 100% correct. I feel like i'm an addict! Youre not alone, trust me youre not. The fact that he is showing you pictures of girls is to hurt you. Normal people don't do this, they just move on. I've dated a few men and have had normal healthy relationships and I was always sort of uncomfortable about them finding out about a new guy, because even though we broke up I didn't want to hurt them. Flaunting a new relationship is just AIMED To hurt you. I don't see another reason for it. There is always 2 sides to every story, and I was afraid that I would be telling what happened in a way, that spun it in my favor to make it look like he was sick - people throw the words personality disorder and narcissism around a lot. As if it sort of justifies a break up. BUT... what I kept telling myself, is I have screenshots of his rages and have sent them to trustworthy friends and they all agreed he was a lunatic. That helped me - ALSO, the fact that I have WAY more close friends - decades long friendships then he did was another thing that keeps me afloat. I think he had 1 friend he saw about 2x a year. He would say constantly no one cared about him. I could never say that about me, because its not true. Youre having withdrawals, as am I. I hate that I am, but from reading some posts - its truly normal. I feel way better since I reached out on this forum. It does help and these people are great.