The myth of compability

[LookAtThisPOst]

I was reading a an aggregate of articles and I had saw one or few in particular that pretty much surmised, esp. with online dating, that people want WAY too much in a marriage partner.

 

The author is of course married, and she even said herself had she met her husband by the way of Eharmony, she'd never give him a shot based on the fact he was into off-roading/fishing and her with being into crocheting and knitting.

 

Some interesting points:

 

1. "We always marry the wrong person"

 

The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change....Marriage, being [the enormous thing it is,] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

 

2. People are already flawed and a marriage is built upon those flaws.

 

Some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation....Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.

 

There's also an excerpt from Psychology Today expressing the truth about compatibility in how it actually takes time and work.

 

"Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something you make. It’s a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work."

 

Keyword here is "work". It seems people these days aren't willing to work on their relationships and want some kind of unicorn to eliminate all that.

[Philosoraptor]

You mean instant gratification doesn't happen? Thank goodness, I thought I we were the only ones working through the ebbs and flows to make our marriage work.

[central]

These are interesting points, and have some value. However, they wrongly imply that compatibility either doensn't exist or doesn't matter much. Besides, there are degrees to the idea of "wrong person" - we can choose to marry someone more right even if they aren't perfect (which, of course, no one is).

Compatibility isn't a list of superficial traits, but it is a set of deeper traits. Those traits include having similar values about honesty and fidelity, compassion and generosity. Compatibility also means having similar beliefs, life goals that you share, and a level of attraction, desire and sexual range and frequency that increase closeness rather than create resentment and frustration. It is also important to have some shared interests so you can spend quality time together, as well as separate ones - and if you have a passion for something, your partner should be at least supportive, and not resentful and interfering, or trying to get you to drop it because they want more attention or are jealous of your enjoyment.

Some people will be more compatible, and some less. Life and love are easier the more compatible you are. When these are easier, there is less friction, and more closeness. Yes, even highly compatible people have to work at their relationships, but there is less work, less friction, and more shared closeness and pleasure. Negotiation is easier, and results more lasting when there is greater compatibility. As for flaws, we find someone we can't live witout - who has flaws that can be lived with. Some flaws are obviously deal breakers.

My ex was less compatible, and the relationship was constant hard work with little reward. My current relationship still requires hard work, but only now and then - the rest of the time we are in tune, and spend great time together because we value the same things and share many interests. This relationship is far happier for us both, compared to the ones we had with less compatible exes.

[thefooloftheyear]

Opposites don't attract....maybe with magnets...but...

 

TFY

[central]

Let's be honest here: we can't change someone, so we damn well better accept them as they are, and hope (and even better: observe) that they care enough to make an effort on their own to help us be happier. Someone who does not show commitment to your happiness, well-being, and personal growth is not marriage material.

[CommittedToThis]

people want WAY too much in a marriage partner.

 

I saw something recently -- a clip from Oprah -- where a woman was reading a lengthy list of qualifications she was seeking in a marriage partner.

 

After she finished guest Steve Harvey said, "You realize you're looking for The Lord, right?"

[LookAtThisPOst]

I saw something recently -- a clip from Oprah -- where a woman was reading a lengthy list of qualifications she was seeking in a marriage partner.

 

After she finished guest Steve Harvey said, "You realize you're looking for The Lord, right?"

 

Right on!

 

 

LOL...exactly and she wasn't much to write home about. Yeah, S.H. was a guest on the show at the time.

[GoodOnPaper]

I find it so odd that compatibility is viewed to be such work by so many people. Is it that difficult to figure out if like and respect your partner, enjoy their company, care about and support their well-being, and whether these feelings are likely to persist in the long-term? I've found that that sort of thing comes pretty naturally. However, the mutual "head-over-heels" "I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off" infatuation . . . that's the unicorn I could never find.

 

I do agree with this . . .

 

Some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation....Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.

 

The #1 thing I wanted out of marriage was for it to erase my insecurities and low self-image about how terrible I was at attracting women. An emotional clean slate, so to speak. But, that's not how it works. Instead, although her "relationship attraction" to me was and is off the charts, putting her weight-related insecurities in the same bedroom with my "nice guy" issues makes the physical intimacy part the real work in the relationship. I definitely wish I had worked through my issues before marriage.

[DKT3]

It's a myth in the sense that most people get married young...I believe 27 is the average age. However, at 37 your no longer the person you were at 27. So a person who was totally in tune with you at 27 may not be at 37.

 

People place too much stock in these types of things I like to call fantasy based realise. The notions make people think relationships should be easy and always flow uphill. But once they hit a bump or trend downwards they look to jump off.

 

In reality there is no soulmates, perfect match, star crossed lovers. No compatible perfection, only another human being. Hopefully you marry one who understands this and will respect you. We all grow and change, respect, loyalty and empathy is what's needed, not fantasy.

[MJJean]

It sounds like psycho-babble for "settle" to me.

 

I met DH at 24. I was physically sexually attracted to him. We had identical or similar beliefs, interests, and life goals. He had the core personality traits I was looking for in a mate. In other words, we were compatible.

 

17 years later, we're still compatible.

 

Clearly, compatibility isn't a myth.

[DKT3]

It sounds like psycho-babble for "settle" to me.

 

I met DH at 24. I was physically sexually attracted to him. We had identical or similar beliefs, interests, and life goals. He had the core personality traits I was looking for in a mate. In other words, we were compatible.

 

17 years later, we're still compatible.

 

Clearly, compatibility isn't a myth.

 

I met my wife at 17, we've never had much in common, totally different backgrounds, religion, race and views on most things....26 yeas later here we are.

[pteromom]

she'd never give him a shot based on the fact he was into off-roading/fishing and her with being into crocheting and knitting.

 

People who are paying attention to this are looking for the wrong KIND of compatibility. What your hobbies are doesn't matter - you can do those alone. What matters are the things about you that affect the other person and the health of the marriage.

 

- What are your future goals?

- What are your financial philosophies?

- How would you raise your kids?

- How would you split household duties?

- What makes you laugh?

- What is your definition of cheating?

- What are your expectations in a marriage?

- What is your love language? Your sexual love language?

- How much alone time vs couple time do you like?

 

This kind of stuff is what makes or breaks marriage. Fishing and knitting are the things that SAVE marriage.

 

1. "We always marry the wrong person"

 

The assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. This moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. It fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change....Marriage, being [the enormous thing it is,] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

 

Yeah - this is true. People always change. Marriage always changes people. Life changes people. That's why it is even MORE important to find someone compatible in your values and goals though... because when those changes come - and they will! - at least you "get" each other.

 

There's also an excerpt from Psychology Today expressing the truth about compatibility in how it actually takes time and work.

 

"Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn’t something you have. It’s something you make. It’s a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It’s a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work."

 

I don't agree with this one. I think it is really important to start with compatibility in some areas. All you have to do is read posts on LoveShack to see all the people hurting because they aren't getting what they need from someone who has a completely different perspective.

 

Keyword here is "work". It seems people these days aren't willing to work on their relationships and want some kind of unicorn to eliminate all that.

 

I think a lot of people are willing to work. But you have to be trying to build the same thing in order for your work to be productive. If one partner has a sewing needle, and the other has a hammer, what are they going to build???

 

If a guy loves to go fish on weekends or party on weekends, and is with a woman who wants to stay home and snuggle all weekend, no amount of "work" is going to change who they are. Both of them came into this believing that if they love hard enough, the other person will just give them what they need (him: freedom; her: security). It's a non-solvable puzzle. They would have been so much happier if they had found partners who wanted the same things they wanted in the first place.

 

Sure, you can "compromise". But what does that really mean? It means you have to give up some of what you want to make the other person happy, or to give them more of what they want. And yeah - that can work if both people are open to it.

 

But wouldn't it be better to find someone from the start with the same definition of a "good marriage"? Someone compatible?

[GravityMan]

I think some people have a misconception on what compatibility actually is in a relationship context.

 

Hobbies and shared interests don't really matter that much. It's great to have some interests in common (most happy couples do), but for most people I doubt they play a major factor as far as compatibility is concerned.

 

Both people's core values, moral compasses, beliefs, senses of humor, worldviews, maturity levels, financial philosophies, sexual tendencies, direction in life, what makes them tick, communication skills (and communication styles), etc...those things generally matter a lot more.

[MJJean]

I met my wife at 17, we've never had much in common, totally different backgrounds, religion, race and views on most things....26 yeas later here we are.

 

Some people and relationships thrive on the differences. It's a different kind of compatibility.

 

On the surface, DH and I had nothing in common, either.

 

-DH was raised Catholic. Mass every weekend, etc. I was raised Protestant and went to church every blue moon.

 

-DH came from an upper middle class family where everyone was either a business owner or a college graduate professional. My family was poor and we haven't had a college graduate in 3 generations. Everyone is either skilled trades or manual labor.

 

-I'd spent my life caring for a severely disabled mother and my much younger siblings. DH was a late life baby who was taken care of by parents and 4 older siblings.

 

-I was married with two young children, 6 and 1 at the time. DH had never been married and had literally never even held a baby or toddler.

 

-My family are animal people and we always had a small zoo. DH never had so much as a gold fish.

 

I think we work as well as we do simply because we ended up the same type of people despite our very different lives before meeting. What we have in common binds us and what we don't adds interest.

[5x5]

It seems people these days aren't willing to work on their relationships and want some kind of unicorn to eliminate all that.

 

If a sexual relationship feels like work, you're probably in the wrong relationship.

 

Through 20+ years with my wife of close to 18 years, I can't recall it ever feeling like something that requires any work at all.

 

Even with having 2 (now teenage) children, changing addresses and careers, all while also growing older. My wife and I still enjoy sharing lots of sex together, kissing, dating and hanging out. Just as we have always done at the beginning of our relationship.

 

For us being employed or running a business and doing chores which we would do regardless of our relationship status requires work. Whereas having no strings attached sex (which was how we started), dating, being exclusive and subsequently being married is mostly a lot of fun.

 

As to compatibility I can certainly say it helps that we're both on the same page.

 

My wife and I share similar outlooks on politics, morals, social behaviour and are both atheists. She is an INTJ while I am an ENTJ, we are both emotionally resilient, very blunt and pragmatic as well. We both enjoy a lot of the same music, theatre, art, film and television viewing. Plus we also share an avid interest in history and love reading lots of books as well.

 

Then when it comes to sex we connect really well, and are constantly flirting and fondling one another whenever we're together. While we also frequently and enthusiastically share lots of vanilla and non-vanilla sex together on and on etc.

 

What's also nice is that we are both hot and heavy, with no ick factor when we have sex and mutually want consume each other. Yet when we're not having sex or flirting we don't cuddle for very long because we both find that quickly becomes very boring.

 

If my wife and I weren't compatible; sexually, emotionally and intellectually, there's no way my wife and I would still be together.

[central]

I saw something recently -- a clip from Oprah -- where a woman was reading a lengthy list of qualifications she was seeking in a marriage partner.

 

After she finished guest Steve Harvey said, "You realize you're looking for The Lord, right?"

 

Or, you may get lucky. I got everything on my list, and considerably more. She may not be an astronaut (not on my list, BTW), but she's recently become a novelist. And, she could have modeled. It also turns out that I surpassed her list, to the extent that she thought I was too good to be true. Now, she thinks she underestimated me back then.

 

So, yes, you can sometimes do better - even far better - than your greatest hopes. But mostly, you'll end up with an average match with an average person, who matches your average self. Not everyone is average.

[ZA Dater]

It sounds like psycho-babble for "settle" to me.

 

I met DH at 24. I was physically sexually attracted to him. We had identical or similar beliefs, interests, and life goals. He had the core personality traits I was looking for in a mate. In other words, we were compatible.

 

17 years later, we're still compatible.

 

Clearly, compatibility isn't a myth.

 

I don't think compatibility is a myth at all. In fact I think its probably the thing people should look for most when dating, then again look how far that approach has got me!

 

My point being if someone is compatible then it means you have a foundation, you cant have that if there aren't common interests, common philosophy and suchlike.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Or, you may get lucky. I got everything on my list, and considerably more. She may not be an astronaut (not on my list, BTW), but she's recently become a novelist. And, she could have modeled. It also turns out that I surpassed her list, to the extent that she thought I was too good to be true. Now, she thinks she underestimated me back then.

 

So, yes, you can sometimes do better - even far better - than your greatest hopes. But mostly, you'll end up with an average match with an average person, who matches your average self. Not everyone is average.

 

Sure, you could get lucky, but some people may not need the luck and make due with whatever is in reason. It's a bonus to "get lucky" though, but not a requirement to do so.

[LookAtThisPOst]

It sounds like psycho-babble for "settle" to me.

 

I met DH at 24. I was physically sexually attracted to him. We had identical or similar beliefs, interests, and life goals. He had the core personality traits I was looking for in a mate. In other words, we were compatible.

 

17 years later, we're still compatible.

 

Clearly, compatibility isn't a myth.

 

Funny thing is, I would purposely weed out women online (that's probably the flaw in the compatible system) where I thought I would be easily "compatible" enough to at LEAST get her to meet for drinks.

 

Same beliefs, values, thoughts on life, obscure pop culture references, movie buff, you name it...geek culture. Rather average looking, but cute...women.

 

Some would even throw in a movie quote that most would not be familiar and I'd go "Yep, I'm emailing her...and will even recite the next verse of that dialogue" lol...nada.

 

You would think, and I knew..these women would at LEAST meet me for drinks or lunch or some BRIEF meeting.

 

But...nope. Nada.

 

Though they weren't hot stuffs themselves, I was eliminated for probably some inane shallow reason like height or whatever.

 

I think later on that's where I thought, compatibility, was something that got warped online. Women would pass over opportunities getting to know their TRUE matches without so much as batting an eye.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah - this is true. People always change. Marriage always changes people. Life changes people. That's why it is even MORE important to find someone compatible in your values and goals though... because when those changes come - and they will! - at least you "get" each other.

 

Pteromom...good point.

 

I have a friend of a friend that's an author / writer. A very successful and likely will be unmarried in the future, woman. Very educated, but she resigned herself in never marrying again.

 

She said she wasn't the same woman when she married at 20 and when she AND her husband got into their early 30s, they were completely diff. people..thus their divorce.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The weird thing about compatibility is that theoretically if you are incompatible, your partner should feel so just as much.

 

I do feel I am incompatible with my current partner in certain ways, but she ticks some very important boxes that previous partners sorely lacked. And she seems to be OK with our incompatibilities. It's also something that we can work on.

 

It's one of the great questions of life really, "Is there something much better for me out there, or should I stick with this?"

 

Should I keep this decent paying job that is so-so or should I bite the bullet and go back to school for something else that might be more inspiring?

 

Really, life is a bunch of what-ifs.

[coolheadal]

You make life the way you want it to be! You win some you loose some that's about how life is truly meant to be!

[JuneJulySeptember]

Or, you may get lucky. I got everything on my list, and considerably more. She may not be an astronaut (not on my list, BTW), but she's recently become a novelist. And, she could have modeled. It also turns out that I surpassed her list, to the extent that she thought I was too good to be true. Now, she thinks she underestimated me back then.

 

So, yes, you can sometimes do better - even far better - than your greatest hopes. But mostly, you'll end up with an average match with an average person, who matches your average self. Not everyone is average.

 

That's not really compatibility in my opinion. That's social status and looks hierarchy. I consider that a separate thing.

 

Like compatibility in the sense that I think of it, it shouldn't matter if your wife is a novelist unless you are a novelist too.

[central]

That's not really compatibility in my opinion. That's social status and looks hierarchy. I consider that a separate thing.

 

Like compatibility in the sense that I think of it, it shouldn't matter if your wife is a novelist unless you are a novelist too.

 

Yes, social status would be a separate thing, and the novelist aspect didn't come into play until after we'd been together over 15 years. We all have our preferences on physical attraction; she just happened to meet - and exceed - them. It wasn't a requirement that she be a model; I'd have been very happy with average, if it fit what I find attractive.

 

 

What my post did not discuss was the true, deep compatibility that we have. That's where my initial list came into play (that she also exceeded); the lists about values, beliefs, attitudes, integrity, compassion, responsibility, and other important aspects of compatibility - including life goals, and enough shared interests to allow spending quality time in shared pursuits. I intended to be alone until I met someone who didn't require significant compromises or a lot of work.

 

 

So no: we have real compatibility, not the superficial kind you seem to think I meant.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, social status would be a separate thing, and the novelist aspect didn't come into play until after we'd been together over 15 years. We all have our preferences on physical attraction; she just happened to meet - and exceed - them. It wasn't a requirement that she be a model; I'd have been very happy with average, if it fit what I find attractive.

 

 

What my post did not discuss was the true, deep compatibility that we have. That's where my initial list came into play (that she also exceeded); the lists about values, beliefs, attitudes, integrity, compassion, responsibility, and other important aspects of compatibility - including life goals, and enough shared interests to allow spending quality time in shared pursuits. I intended to be alone until I met someone who didn't require significant compromises or a lot of work.

 

 

So no: we have real compatibility, not the superficial kind you seem to think I meant.

 

I didn't say it was superficial. I just think it's a different thing.

 

For instance, if Brad Pitt decides to go out with the ugliest woman on Earth and they both want to rip each others clothes off, then they're sexually compatible. The fact that every woman is going to comment on how he's too good for her and she's lucky to have him shouldn't change that.

 

The career thing is a little trickier. The money is what I think complicates that. I generally think that most people who make a 'middle-classish' living are fairly compatible. But if one person makes like 250K a year and the other person makes 30K a year, well then that could create difficulties in compatibility.