The myth of compability

[pteromom]

I do feel I am incompatible with my current partner in certain ways, but she ticks some very important boxes that previous partners sorely lacked. And she seems to be OK with our incompatibilities. It's also something that we can work on.

 

Some incompatibilities can be worked on. Some are much much more difficult.

 

If one partner wants children and the other doesn't - that's a non-starter, for instance. So it depends on what the incompatibilities are and how much you are willing to change yourself and be ok with what you don't have.

[thecrucible]

I've never been married but I want to have my core values in common with my partner. We don't have to agree on everything or like exactly the same things as long as core values are the same. I'm an atheist and I don't question what people believe. But I had a Christian boyfriend before and it just didn't work because he was offended by my lack of beliefs and how it influenced things like how to bring up children. We also didn't agree on the idea of having children. So I can see where there are values that have to match for it to work.

 

Personally I think it's the attitude too. I mean I think about the amount of times relationships have had me in tears. It's not a bad thing - I mean I should be in tears because to certain degree, you have to work through the bad stuff. And you both have to show some humility. Also maybe I'm not fault free when it comes to this but I hate circular arguments and arguments where past mistakes are brought up all the time as a counter-argument to avoid responsibility for your own mistakes. It really wears the trust down and builds resentment.

[NuevoYorko]

I just stop at the title of this thread. Compatibility is not a myth.

 

You're welcome.

[Aesc]

Opposites don't attract....maybe with magnets...but...

 

TFY

 

Opposites do attract, but ultimately they distract.

[Aesc]

Pteromom...good point.

 

I have a friend of a friend that's an author / writer. A very successful and likely will be unmarried in the future, woman. Very educated, but she resigned herself in never marrying again.

 

She said she wasn't the same woman when she married at 20 and when she AND her husband got into their early 30s, they were completely diff. people..thus their divorce.

 

Some couples grow together, some couples grow apart.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Some couples grow together, some couples grow apart.

 

To me, the whole "We grew apart" thing is a cop out.

[No_Go]

I agree compatibility is partially a myth - it is basically how much you're willing to compromise / change in a relationship. If you are willing to - you'll appear compatible with nearly everyone. If you're not - then 'compatibility' becomes just finding someone very similar to you.

 

My last relationship failed supposedly due to being 'incompatible'. I still can't put my finger on it, but I guess the main 'incompatibility' areas were:

 

1) religion - me - agnostic/raised Christian, he - practicing Christian. It seemed like not a big deal, and I was happy to go to church with him, but then it started to cripple us - he wanted to be friends if and only if people were belonging to the church, was very unhappy when I was questioning his belief system. I'm fairly sure this was the main deal breaker on his end

 

2) planning - I'm big on financial planning and expected similar. I was getting upset when he didn't want to make / maintain budgets, he was getting paralyzed when I bring any of these discussions, probably he was very uncomfortable. I wanted to buy a home... He was quite unclear if that's a common goal... Never gave me numbers or explicit agreement. It become a source of numerous conflicts and ultimately the end of the relationship.

 

If I was bulging more on 1), and he - on 2). I believe we had a chance together. We were very sexually compatible, attracted to each other, similar intellectually... But the aforementioned incompatibilities were a crack in the foundation of the relationship

[LookAtThisPOst]

I agree compatibility is partially a myth - it is basically how much you're willing to compromise / change in a relationship. If you are willing to - you'll appear compatible with nearly everyone. If you're not - then 'compatibility' becomes just finding someone very similar to you.

 

My last relationship failed supposedly due to being 'incompatible'. I still can't put my finger on it, but I guess the main 'incompatibility' areas were:

 

1) religion - me - agnostic/raised Christian, he - practicing Christian. It seemed like not a big deal, and I was happy to go to church with him, but then it started to cripple us - he wanted to be friends if and only if people were belonging to the church, was very unhappy when I was questioning his belief system. I'm fairly sure this was the main deal breaker on his end

 

2) planning - I'm big on financial planning and expected similar. I was getting upset when he didn't want to make / maintain budgets, he was getting paralyzed when I bring any of these discussions, probably he was very uncomfortable. I wanted to buy a home... He was quite unclear if that's a common goal... Never gave me numbers or explicit agreement. It become a source of numerous conflicts and ultimately the end of the relationship.

 

If I was bulging more on 1), and he - on 2). I believe we had a chance together. We were very sexually compatible, attracted to each other, similar intellectually... But the aforementioned incompatibilities were a crack in the foundation of the relationship

 

He would only be friends with those in his own church/building? Quite closed minded, also the thing about freezing up when it comes to budgets...that'd be a deal breaker for most. #2 is plain immaturity if he didn't even want to talk about finances.

[No_Go]

He'd just freeze regarding finances if it comes to anything bigger (even like planning a vacation)... For small purchases like groceries he'd always insist on buying it all and afterwards I'll reimburse him half - but he never thought it is a relevant desire of mine to go with him to pick up groceries myself, he though he can do it for both of us. Things like this really made me very anxious during the entire relationship. I don't know if it was immaturity of him but I picked it up that way and told him, and he was very offended.

 

The church thing I guess is a real-deal incompatibilities. I hanged out with people with this church, and they were primarily sticking to each other for social activities as well. He was dead-set on meeting with them 2x week in a group, and wanted to pick common friends (for us?) from this group only. I guess that's something that you can't define in any other way but as an incompatibility - the church was encouraging that, and if he wanted to feel accepted in their community, he had to follow. If I wanted to stay with him - I'd had to stick around them as well, which I did for over an year but it made me resentful.

 

So I guess incompatibilities do exist... I had the choice to terminate or adapt, but did both just partially, i.e. didn't properly attached and start getting very resentful. And this way a man that I spend nearly 2 years with, and wanted to marry next year... Imagine how incompatibilities will affect a couple with less of desire of commitment.

 

He would only be friends with those in his own church/building? Quite closed minded, also the thing about freezing up when it comes to budgets...that'd be a deal breaker for most. #2 is plain immaturity if he didn't even want to talk about finances.