Child's thoughts dominated by primary custodian?

[aurelius99]

I have "joint" custody of my two children with their mother who has primary, meaning they spend only alternate weekends with me. I have what I consider to be a solid relationship with my kids given the circumstances. They look forward to seeing me, they have fun, and I know they respect me.

 

That being said, I found something out which concerned me. My eldest child was the student of the week in his class. He made a poster, wrote his favorite things to do, etc. I was disappointed to find that not even one of the things he listed anywhere had anything to do with stuff he does with me on our weekends. And I KNOW he truly enjoys our things.

 

We do fishing, full day boating trips, play baseball, and lots of other stuff. Also he loves chess. We play chess and I pretty much train him like a coach. He even wants to join a tournament. And I play Pokemon card game with him. I actually learned the full rules of the game and I play many games with him. I love it and he does too. He has a huge Pokemon card collection. Anyway...NONE of these things did he put on his poster or did he share with class.

 

How could this be? Does he really not like our activities and special things as much as what he does at his moms? They are BOYS. Their mom really doesn't do any boy stuff with them.

 

I guess you could say I'm kind of hurt by this. I know kids don't think about all this crap and it's nothing personal. But why might this be? It's almost like all my efforts to be important in his life and stay connected with him were shot to hell. I'm truly losing motivation.

Edited December 19, 2016 by aurelius99

[anika99]

Are you able to see them more than you currently do? Honestly, twice a month doesn't sound like enough time to me. I raised my kids as a single parent and they had grandparents that would see them as much as you see your kids, maybe more. My kids adored their grandparents but as they only spent a couple of weekends a month with them they didn't regard their grandparents as parents or primary figures in their life.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with your kids outside of your scheduled visitation? Do you attend their activities and school functions? Come by in the evenings to take them for dinner? Call them regularly on the phone or FaceTime with them? I don't think you should take your son's poster personally. I think when he made it he was probably thinking about his day to day life and not the fun stuff he does with you a couple of times a month.

 

In your post you sound defeated, like you are just going to give up and stop trying. I say try harder. Parenting isn't about getting ego strokes or acknowledgement. It's about giving your children the best you can. Become a part of your children's' daily life.

[aurelius99]

Are you able to see them more than you currently do? Honestly, twice a month doesn't sound like enough time to me. I raised my kids as a single parent and they had grandparents that would see them as much as you see your kids, maybe more. My kids adored their grandparents but as they only spent a couple of weekends a month with them they didn't regard their grandparents as parents or primary figures in their life.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with your kids outside of your scheduled visitation? Do you attend their activities and school functions? Come by in the evenings to take them for dinner? Call them regularly on the phone or FaceTime with them? I don't think you should take your son's poster personally. I think when he made it he was probably thinking about his day to day life and not the fun stuff he does with you a couple of times a month.

 

In your post you sound defeated, like you are just going to give up and stop trying. I say try harder. Parenting isn't about getting ego strokes or acknowledgement. It's about giving your children the best you can. Become a part of your children's' daily life.

 

My ex moved 3 hours away after the divorce back to her parents town. I am currently in full time school (in addition to paying child support) and finishing this degree will put me in a strong position within 18 months. It wouldn't be wise to leave at this point since I've already invested so much time and money.

 

So in answer to your question, no, I can't attend every school event. I attend the major ones. But it's funny you mentioned grandparents. My kids see their grandparents EVERY SINGLE DAY after school. I hate how I see them less than their grandparents. Everything is so flipped.

 

As far as calls, my ex makes it difficult. She frequently won't have them call when I request. (We had a very nasty divorce.) She often makes me wait 1-2 days. I know you'll say that I need to work this out, but I've tried. The ex is very manipulative and she knows how to get away with it. When my kids get a little older I will surely buy them their own phones.

 

I guess the main issue here is not that I see them infrequently, but that their mom is intentionally ostracizing me as their father. For example, they FaceTime their grandparents almost every night before bed. But me? I'm lucky if I get a phone call within 48 hours of requesting. You see? It's more than just me not trying.

 

I can move closer to them, but only once I graduate. The town she took them to is really small and the job market is tough. Much riskier prospects. I will be much better off when I'm done with school when it comes to living there. My new career is a medical job that I can pretty much take anywhere and get work. So it's better for my kids and me.

Edited December 19, 2016 by aurelius99

[VeveCakes]

How could this be? Does he really not like our activities and special things as much as what he does at his moms? They are BOYS. Their mom really doesn't do any boy stuff with them.

 

I know you are hurt but sorry...what is BOY stuff?

 

All that stuff you mentioned is enjoyed by many girls too.

 

Please take that thought process out of your head.

 

Regarding your OP - kids have short attention spans. They don't remember what happened 5 minutes ago let alone on the weekend. BUT when they are older, they will look back and remember you fondly for all the time you spend with them.

[aurelius99]

I know you are hurt but sorry...what is BOY stuff?

 

All that stuff you mentioned is enjoyed by many girls too.

 

Please take that thought process out of your head.

 

Regarding your OP - kids have short attention spans. They don't remember what happened 5 minutes ago let alone on the weekend. BUT when they are older, they will look back and remember you fondly for all the time you spend with them.

 

You are right. I kniw girls can do "boy stuff" too. I was using it in the traditional sense. If I had daughters, I'm sure I'd do boating and fishing with them too.

 

I guess I just need to do the best I can. The hardest thing about this is not beating myself up over what I can't control. It's a fact that I'm divorced. It's a fact that my ex makes communication with them difficult. It's a fact that I can't move closer to them--YET. These are all things I have to accept and do the best I can with the limited time.

 

I was mostly wanting to know if you think his not mentioning anything we do together means he doesn't value it, or just that I was "out of sight out of mind". If the latter is the case, then I just start beating myself up again about not being more "in sight". But I can't be because I'm 3 hours away finishing up school. Sigh.

[pteromom]

My guess is that he knew he would be taking that poster home to Mom.

 

Sometimes if a child is in a situation where one parent is very angry with the other, the child has to "hide" his love/adoration for the other when around the angry parent. It's really common.

 

I would not use this poster as a symbol of the value he puts on your relationship. It sounds like you are doing a great job connecting with him and being with him.

 

How old is your boy? Would it be possible to discuss with your ex about getting him his own phone NOW so he can call/text you any time? (And call/text his mother any time when he is with you.) A child's relationship with his parents shouldn't have to go through the other parent.

 

You cannot control what SHE does.

 

But you can control what YOU do.

 

You can make a stronger effort to go to school events. You can make sure you are on the list for parent-teacher conferences and Dad days at school. You can keep doing what you are doing in building a strong and impenetrable bond with your child.

[aurelius99]

My guess is that he knew he would be taking that poster home to Mom.

 

Sometimes if a child is in a situation where one parent is very angry with the other, the child has to "hide" his love/adoration for the other when around the angry parent. It's really common.

 

I would not use this poster as a symbol of the value he puts on your relationship. It sounds like you are doing a great job connecting with him and being with him.

 

How old is your boy? Would it be possible to discuss with your ex about getting him his own phone NOW so he can call/text you any time? (And call/text his mother any time when he is with you.) A child's relationship with his parents shouldn't have to go through the other parent.

 

You cannot control what SHE does.

 

But you can control what YOU do.

 

You can make a stronger effort to go to school events. You can make sure you are on the list for parent-teacher conferences and Dad days at school. You can keep doing what you are doing in building a strong and impenetrable bond with your child.

 

Thanks for your post. These are really helping me.

 

I am on their school lists. I've never failed to make a parent teacher conference. Even though I know I'm still the outsider in their eyes, I still make them and communicate with their teachers. I always ask my kids what's happening at school. This Wednesday I will drive there to see the Christmas songs they sing.

 

My kids are 8 and 6. Do you think it's appropriate to get them phones? The older one is very skilled at using his iPad at his moms. He's good with it.

 

I suspect their mom would try to make it difficult even if I bought one for them. She would keep them busy to the point where they'd have no time to talk. She'd even "lose" the phone. She's already done BOTH of these things in the past. So I know she'd do it with any phone.

[pteromom]

You know your son.

 

Since your ex likes to interfere and lose the phone, do you think your son would be responsible as far as charging the phone, keeping it with him, etc? If not, I would wait a little longer until he is.

 

We know several children from split homes who have phones at 9 years old and can freely contact both parents whenever they want. It's a very good thing for all involved.

 

I am really sorry your ex is making this difficult. It doesn't only hurt you - it hurts your children. The more loved and connected they feel, the safer and happier they feel out in the world, and it is sad that she doesn't realize that you are part of that picture. I hope she grows past this.

[testmeasure]

I have a daughter who is still much younger. But my divorce was difficult too. So I've had to think and read about some of this stuff.

 

In your original post, you sound confident that your son has fun during your parenting time. I would just stick to that confidence. Believe in what you see and experience during your time together.

 

In many cases where there is parental alienation going on, it backfires and the parent doing the alienating ends up alienating themselves rather than the other parent.

 

Take this poster as an example. Consider the possibility that the son knows that if he lists activities with you, it will create emotional conflict between him and his mom. So, he leaves them off. What does that show? It shows he knows he can't share his true feelings and thoughts with his mom. See how she could actually be alienating herself and the poster could just be a sign of that? I'm not saying that's for sure the explanation. Just consider it as a possibility.

 

There's also the possibility that there's some kind of peer pressure thing. Maybe enough of the other kids at school have single moms or just not great relationships with their dad. As a result they could be jealous of anyone with a good relationship with their dad. Or, maybe not jealous but just a lack of understanding that creates a subtle bias.

 

It could also just be the separation and compartmentalization of the households. When he's with mom, he's focused on mom and mom's activities and when he's with you it sounds like he's focused on you and your activities. Maybe he just created the poster while his mind was in mom's world.

 

I think there are any number of possible explanations for the poster. Don't get hung up on it. Believe in what you feel and experience during your time together. Stay positive and keep having fun with your kids. Set a strong positive example for them to contrast with their mom's behavior. It sounds like you were already doing this. It may just be more important than you realize.

[aurelius99]

Yea, I think my oldest is still a touch absent-minded. He's really bright but...only when he chooses to be lol. So I might wait

[Mr. Lucky]

My guess is that he knew he would be taking that poster home to Mom.

 

Bingo. Don't underestimate you kids ability to understand the situation.

 

Decided to do something out of the ordinary one year so my son and I went to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. We swam, snorkeled, hiked and had a "luau" turkey, it was great. On our last night there, I overheard his phone call to his Mom, it was all about how he'd rather have had Thanksgiving with her and at her house and how much he missed her. I was obviously disappointed but didn't say anything.

 

The next semester, his back to school essay was all about our trip and how it was the greatest week of his life. Even at 8 years old, he knew how to play to the crowd and work the room. Just one of the ways - both positive and negative - divorce changes everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aurelius99]

I have a daughter who is still much younger. But my divorce was difficult too. So I've had to think and read about some of this stuff.

 

In your original post, you sound confident that your son has fun during your parenting time. I would just stick to that confidence. Believe in what you see and experience during your time together.

 

In many cases where there is parental alienation going on, it backfires and the parent doing the alienating ends up alienating themselves rather than the other parent.

 

Take this poster as an example. Consider the possibility that the son knows that if he lists activities with you, it will create emotional conflict between him and his mom. So, he leaves them off. What does that show? It shows he knows he can't share his true feelings and thoughts with his mom. See how she could actually be alienating herself and the poster could just be a sign of that? I'm not saying that's for sure the explanation. Just consider it as a possibility.

 

There's also the possibility that there's some kind of peer pressure thing. Maybe enough of the other kids at school have single moms or just not great relationships with their dad. As a result they could be jealous of anyone with a good relationship with their dad. Or, maybe not jealous but just a lack of understanding that creates a subtle bias.

 

It could also just be the separation and compartmentalization of the households. When he's with mom, he's focused on mom and mom's activities and when he's with you it sounds like he's focused on you and your activities. Maybe he just created the poster while his mind was in mom's world.

 

I think there are any number of possible explanations for the poster. Don't get hung up on it. Believe in what you feel and experience during your time together. Stay positive and keep having fun with your kids. Set a strong positive example for them to contrast with their mom's behavior. It sounds like you were already doing this. It may just be more important than you realize.

 

Wow. This was an amazing post. Let me scratch off my counseling appointment later today. Kidding lol.

 

Those were some really good insights into what my son might be thinking. Maybe it's a combination of all them?

[aurelius99]

Bingo. Don't underestimate you kids ability to understand the situation.

 

Decided to do something out of the ordinary one year so my son and I went to Hawaii for Thanksgiving. We swam, snorkeled, hiked and had a "luau" turkey, it was great. On our last night there, I overheard his phone call to his Mom, it was all about how he'd rather have had Thanksgiving with her and at her house and how much he missed her. I was obviously disappointed but didn't say anything.

 

The next semester, his back to school essay was all about our trip and how it was the greatest week of his life. Even at 8 years old, he knew how to play to the crowd and work the room. Just one of the ways - both positive and negative - divorce changes everyone involved...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Guys, you have no idea how grateful I am for all your input. I mean what you just wrote could have been MY son.

 

You know what happened a few months ago? We just had a great weekend. I took them to an underground cavern exploration. They loved it. I could go on and on. Anyway, later that night my son was talking to his GRANDMOTHER on the phone--I guess their mom passed the phone to her. I heard from upstairs my son say, "Daddy called me stupid."

 

I was shocked. I was blown away. My mind was spinning and I was trying to think WHAT he was talking about. I eventually realized he was referring to when he left a banana peel in the middle of floor. I told him, "Okay there are 2 choices we have with this banana peel. The smart way is to throw it out. The stupid way is to leave it on floor so someone slips and gets hurt."

 

Now I think parents say this kind of stuff ALL the time. Especially dads like me who have a silly, playful personality. (I even call my two boys "punks" as a cute endearing term.) But what happens is the ex and her family evidently try to milk anything out of them that could be perceived as mean. As a result my boys might think, "Yea my dad calls me a punk. That's not nice." So this is the kind of thing I'm dealing with. On one hand I guess you could say to not even chance it with these words. But on the other hand, it's part of who I am. Some dads just horse around and tease their kids. My kids KNOW when I'm horsing around.

 

Anyway, your post hit home.