Years on back and forth have hit boiling point

[Breathe1]

Hello All,

 

As I begin, I begin the first ever time I have ever really written this down, it may be a while until the end, so bare with me...

 

Now 20, I had met a girl at age 16. Falling (what I had believed) instantly in love with this girl, I made it my life to be with her. The first few times we had spoke, it was all good news, and shortly after, began a manipulation I could have never prepared for.

 

For the next year, I became a dog, a sheep, to what could only be described as the most emotionally enduring period of my life. Being naive and young, I gave my all to this girl, I was there in a heart beat, I would spend hours with her, not saying a single word, but laughing at me occasionally. A whole year and a half, not once did we ever become intimate, while I always understood, and was fine with it. Not once did my eyes wonder, I needed her in my life, at least as an achievement for the countless hours of dedication to just making her happy.

Following her 18th Birthday, she had gone on a trip away. At this point, I believed fully that i was in love and loved by a beautiful person, who was just a little trickier than most, and maybe not the easiest to please, I did my best. She cheated on me. I grew tired of the manipulation and stress, I had to leave. Following a brief break we had discussed getting back together. I found out weeks later, through my best friend, it was true. I asked, she denied, I believed. Then finally the truth. I suffered a very very long time over this, even leading to the ruining of my next relationship. A two year long heaven with a girl who treated me like a prince, but I couldn't handle it. I felt guilty all the time for being treated well, and I was sure I knew why.

Following an immeasurably emotional and heartbreaking break up, and a move out as we were living together, I moved on, soulless.

A couple of months pass, who should give me a call?... You guessed it, the Ex.

For the first time ever, we are intimate. I tell her, although I am insanely happy, I do not want a relationship and want to have time to think the whole thing through. As discussed, this girl is clinically Bi-Polar, and suffers from an immense list of personality disorders, which I had always felt were my responsibility to maintain and soothe.

Within two weeks it begins again, the manipulation, the 3am suicide call because I didn't come over at the drop of a dime, this time around I made a point to realise when I was being manipulated, however I failed myself.

I turned instantly, into a shallow human, neglecting all of my friends ( as I had), i fell into a massive depression again, while having nightmares of her and waking in the most intense panic attacks, I couldn't cope, however, as made very clear "... if I lose you again, I won't be able to live, I'll die if you ever leave me." An impossible turmoil.

Through the first 3-4 months, I had made things very clear that I was NOT ready to jump back into a relationship, however was sure I still loved this girl, but was not sure it was worth the stress again, not to mention the thought of her with another man rang-bells in my head for years. One night, after talking for a couple of weeks, I had a drunken one-night stand with someone I hated, following a threat of breaking up that day (this happened about twice a week). I had no feelings from the situation, only shame in myself. I buried it. Months later, after officially "dating" for around 5 months I had found nude photos of my girl sent to a guy who is in my social group, and is quite a personality amongst my friends. I felt absolutely gutted, absolutely. I had been told countless, countless times, by my friends, roommates EVERYONE, too watch out for this guy "...they hang out allot, and he has a history for cheating", everyone would say. We had been dating for a few months now, and things were good.

In retaliation, I went out and slept with that same person I hate, and Burried it.

I spiralled into an immense depression and guilt for hurting the person who, I'll be honest, had made me so so so happy over the past few months, I mean she had completely changed as a personality, and we love each other. I began to get over the nude photos, "just hang on in there, this will pass" i would tell myself. She had assured me nothing more had happened. However, following a really lovely day together, she had searched my messages, finding information and conversations from over a year ago during the first few months of us dating, while still "seeing" each other, to other girls, girls I had never made intimate contact with, but had had one-off chats (at 4am probably following 3 days of being ignored by my then non-girlfriend) . She lost it. Completely. Following this i had confessed to sleeping with someone else after finding the photos. She was surprisingly accepting and it has been a month or two, she has moved on and has blossomed into a beautiful human, we still bicker and argue, however things are back on top. I found additional messaged to the Guy, saying "Its not my fault, My Ex (we had openly agreed we were back together) went through my phone and told everyone" seemingly protecting him from any embarrassment. I don't know what to do, my main concern is her discovering the night over a year ago. I know myself well enough to say I would never, EVER let that happen to ANYBODY again. They say these things often change you for the better, I seem to agree, me causing so much pain to myself and her made me honestly realise to never take somebody for granted, no matter what the circumstances. I swear it is too late. Lately Depression has taken complete hold, I wake in nightmares every single day, and a chest pain like no other. I fear for myself and for her, as if she is to find out, I am sure she will end her life. Please somebody help.

[DumpedGuy9617]

I don't want this to sound harsh, but if I was you I'd run from that girl. It sounds like she needs to clean up her baggage before dating someone. People that are in love often fight, but suicide threats? That is likely pure manipulation. And you cannot put yourself at emotional risk because she has problems. Get out of it dude, or demand she gets help. You may be a great guy, but you are not a mental health expert. Sorry this is happening to you. I've dealt with a similar circumstance, though it ended before it became long term. Looking back? I dodged a bullet.

[Space Ritual]

Hello All,

 

As I begin, I begin the first ever time I have ever really written this down, it may be a while until the end, so bare with me...

 

Now 20, I had met a girl at age 16. Falling (what I had believed) instantly in love with this girl, I made it my life to be with her. The first few times we had spoke, it was all good news, and shortly after, began a manipulation I could have never prepared for.

 

For the next year, I became a dog, a sheep, to what could only be described as the most emotionally enduring period of my life. Being naive and young, I gave my all to this girl, I was there in a heart beat, I would spend hours with her, not saying a single word, but laughing at me occasionally. A whole year and a half, not once did we ever become intimate, while I always understood, and was fine with it. Not once did my eyes wonder, I needed her in my life, at least as an achievement for the countless hours of dedication to just making her happy.

Following her 18th Birthday, she had gone on a trip away. At this point, I believed fully that i was in love and loved by a beautiful person, who was just a little trickier than most, and maybe not the easiest to please, I did my best. She cheated on me. I grew tired of the manipulation and stress, I had to leave. Following a brief break we had discussed getting back together. I found out weeks later, through my best friend, it was true. I asked, she denied, I believed. Then finally the truth. I suffered a very very long time over this, even leading to the ruining of my next relationship. A two year long heaven with a girl who treated me like a prince, but I couldn't handle it. I felt guilty all the time for being treated well, and I was sure I knew why.

Following an immeasurably emotional and heartbreaking break up, and a move out as we were living together, I moved on, soulless.

A couple of months pass, who should give me a call?... You guessed it, the Ex.

For the first time ever, we are intimate. I tell her, although I am insanely happy, I do not want a relationship and want to have time to think the whole thing through. As discussed, this girl is clinically Bi-Polar, and suffers from an immense list of personality disorders, which I had always felt were my responsibility to maintain and soothe.

Within two weeks it begins again, the manipulation, the 3am suicide call because I didn't come over at the drop of a dime, this time around I made a point to realise when I was being manipulated, however I failed myself.

I turned instantly, into a shallow human, neglecting all of my friends ( as I had), i fell into a massive depression again, while having nightmares of her and waking in the most intense panic attacks, I couldn't cope, however, as made very clear "... if I lose you again, I won't be able to live, I'll die if you ever leave me." An impossible turmoil.

Through the first 3-4 months, I had made things very clear that I was NOT ready to jump back into a relationship, however was sure I still loved this girl, but was not sure it was worth the stress again, not to mention the thought of her with another man rang-bells in my head for years. One night, after talking for a couple of weeks, I had a drunken one-night stand with someone I hated, following a threat of breaking up that day (this happened about twice a week). I had no feelings from the situation, only shame in myself. I buried it. Months later, after officially "dating" for around 5 months I had found nude photos of my girl sent to a guy who is in my social group, and is quite a personality amongst my friends. I felt absolutely gutted, absolutely. I had been told countless, countless times, by my friends, roommates EVERYONE, too watch out for this guy "...they hang out allot, and he has a history for cheating", everyone would say. We had been dating for a few months now, and things were good.

In retaliation, I went out and slept with that same person I hate, and Burried it.

I spiralled into an immense depression and guilt for hurting the person who, I'll be honest, had made me so so so happy over the past few months, I mean she had completely changed as a personality, and we love each other. I began to get over the nude photos, "just hang on in there, this will pass" i would tell myself. She had assured me nothing more had happened. However, following a really lovely day together, she had searched my messages, finding information and conversations from over a year ago during the first few months of us dating, while still "seeing" each other, to other girls, girls I had never made intimate contact with, but had had one-off chats (at 4am probably following 3 days of being ignored by my then non-girlfriend) . She lost it. Completely. Following this i had confessed to sleeping with someone else after finding the photos. She was surprisingly accepting and it has been a month or two, she has moved on and has blossomed into a beautiful human, we still bicker and argue, however things are back on top. I found additional messaged to the Guy, saying "Its not my fault, My Ex (we had openly agreed we were back together) went through my phone and told everyone" seemingly protecting him from any embarrassment. I don't know what to do, my main concern is her discovering the night over a year ago. I know myself well enough to say I would never, EVER let that happen to ANYBODY again. They say these things often change you for the better, I seem to agree, me causing so much pain to myself and her made me honestly realise to never take somebody for granted, no matter what the circumstances. I swear it is too late. Lately Depression has taken complete hold, I wake in nightmares every single day, and a chest pain like no other. I fear for myself and for her, as if she is to find out, I am sure she will end her life. Please somebody help.

 

Wow that's a steamer trunk full of drama between you and this chick.

 

Sounds like a twisted After School Special

 

"Two hopeless romantics that cheat on each other time and again but are soulmates...stay tuned to see how they self destruct after this message from Count Chocula Cereal".

 

Frankly there is not a lot of advice any one can give you other than to grow up.

 

It s painfully obvious you are not in any position to handle any type of relationship until you have some more life experience. The same goes for her. The best help you will ever get is going out and trying to experience what life may be like with a normal chick. But you have to get out of this vortex.

 

Seriously, get rid of this girl and this situation.. Too much drama for someone your age. if you don;y watch out, that drama will follow you and you will someday waking up when you are closing n on 40 years old and you will wonder why you are alone.

[Breathe1]

To put it more bluntly:

I'm dating my ex who cheated on me and ruined my life, has always affected my life and general living. I had a one night stand with a girl within the first couple of weeks of us dating and instantly regretted it. Since then my girlfriend has had an ongoing " emotionally cheating " relationship with another guy and continues to talk to him. When I caught her I went and slept with the same person, and told her. We are the best we have ever been, however I'm afraid the past will wreck everything. Should I tell her?

[PegNosePete]

I'm dating my ex who cheated on me and ruined my life

No "happy ever after" story ever started like that. EVER.

 

You need to move on, dude.

 

Should I tell her?

You should tell her that your entire relationship is a giant train wreck and is going to implode sooner or later, so you're ending it now to avoid future pain and wasting your youth on a relationship that has no future.

[Breathe1]

I'm sorry I'm writing this in a very panicked and unnerved state, everyday I feel like this overwhelming guilt. Here's the thing, she has been through absolute hell over this, this girl is not like anyone I've met. Her anxiety and self hatred makes her do ridiculous things, I've seen it. We have assured each other that all of this bull **** ( the cheating everything) is finally over and that we are now ready to do this properly and start a family and everything, which is what I really really want. More than anything, I feel like I am in love with this girl, I know that. If I tell her it's over now, on top of her hectic work which is killing her, and her her depression which is only starting to heal now we are together, she will act out and do something awful, it's come too close in the past I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I'm not sure what to believe or do anymore. I realise this sounds obsurd, but through everything, she has stuck by me, and me her, when we are together and things are good, it is crystal clear that we are good, but the rest of the time is awkward suffering and mutual guilt. I feel absolutely trapped.

[PegNosePete]

start a family and everything

Dude, what are you thinking?

 

This is the LAST woman on earth you should start a family with.

 

Do you have rocks in your head??? DO NOT have a kid with this woman!

 

I realise this sounds obsurd, but through everything, she has stuck by me, and me her

Yes that sounds totally absurd. You have not stuck by each other at all. You have both cheated. That is not what sticking by someone means!

 

Neither of you have any clue what it means to be in a faithful committed relationship and if you bring a child into this world then you are not doing that kid ANY favours at all.

[Breathe1]

I don't know how to explain, it seems as if we are both so aware of what we are doing now, BECAUSE of our obsurd history. Countless times we have both been so secure in the fact that we have both felt the pain of and the pain of cheating. From my own point of view, as someone who has never acted like this, I feel like conditionally we have made ourselves do what we have done. By the way I made her worry about other people, the way she spoke to another man very intimately, the way I reated when I found out. I have always felt like I had no reason to honour someone who was so cruel to me, but lately I have seen a change in both of us, ridiculously well. I don't know what to do in top of everything else. I feel like we owe it to each other to be happy now, but I can't move on.

[Downtown]

As discussed, this girl is clinically Bi-Polar, and suffers from an immense list of personality disorders.

As discussed? No, Breathe, this is your very first mention of bipolar and PDs (personality disorders). Was your GF diagnosed as having a bipolar-1 episode in the past year? If so, it means there is an approximately 50% chance she also has a lifetime problem with full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 2 at 2008 JCP Study. Did a psychologist diagnose her as having BPD?

 

Her anxiety and self hatred makes her do ridiculous things, I've seen it.... If I tell her it's over now... she will act out and do something awful.

What are you talking about here? You mentioned her repeated suicide threats. When she does "ridiculous things" and "something awful," does she go beyond the suicide threats with actual self harm? Specifically, has she harmed herself by cutting her arms or banging her head? I ask because one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD is "Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting." See List of 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

[Space Ritual]

I don't know how to explain, it seems as if we are both so aware of what we are doing now, BECAUSE of our obsurd history. Countless times we have both been so secure in the fact that we have both felt the pain of and the pain of cheating. From my own point of view, as someone who has never acted like this, I feel like conditionally we have made ourselves do what we have done. By the way I made her worry about other people, the way she spoke to another man very intimately, the way I reated when I found out. I have always felt like I had no reason to honour someone who was so cruel to me, but lately I have seen a change in both of us, ridiculously well. I don't know what to do in top of everything else. I feel like we owe it to each other to be happy now, but I can't move on.

 

 

Man alive dude, this keeps getting better.

 

You and this chick remind me of an Alice Cooper song called Millie and Billie. It's right up your alley lol

 

Enjoy!

 

https://youtu.be/HHinG1W4shs

[VeveCakes]

I'm sorry I'm writing this in a very panicked and unnerved state, everyday I feel like this overwhelming guilt. Here's the thing, she has been through absolute hell over this, this girl is not like anyone I've met. Her anxiety and self hatred makes her do ridiculous things, I've seen it. We have assured each other that all of this bull **** ( the cheating everything) is finally over and that we are now ready to do this properly and start a family and everything, which is what I really really want. More than anything, I feel like I am in love with this girl, I know that. If I tell her it's over now, on top of her hectic work which is killing her, and her her depression which is only starting to heal now we are together, she will act out and do something awful, it's come too close in the past I promised myself I would never let it happen again. I'm not sure what to believe or do anymore. I realise this sounds obsurd, but through everything, she has stuck by me, and me her, when we are together and things are good, it is crystal clear that we are good, but the rest of the time is awkward suffering and mutual guilt. I feel absolutely trapped.

 

NOoooooooooooooooooooo

Anxiety and self hatred doesn't make you a bad partner, it doesn't make you cheat or send nudes to guys. It doesn't make you drama queen of the century. She is bad bad bad news....and you are just once again, falling prey to her manipulation tactics.

 

Do you have any idea how it makes you look to others that she is protecting that guy? If she cared, she would have said "He found the pictures and thus we need to cut communication permanently". But she didn't, she has kept that foot in the door.

 

You are 20. You have your ENTIRE life ahead of you. Do not stay with this girl. Do not marry this girl...and PLEASE do not have a child with this girl!!

[Superchicken]

No one should get married at 20. Its just tooooooooooooooooooooo young.

Get engaged, and live together, and see if it turns out OK in about 5 years. Then proceed.

Don't throw away your options at an early age.

 

 

Ted