Living with Ex - Want her back. Thoughts?

[DumpedGuy9617]

So I am wondering if people have an outside perspective on my situation, or have been in a similar one. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about a month ago. She stated she was no longer happy and the main reason was that we had lost intimacy. She also cited a couple other stupid things I did, basically wasn't there for her a couple times during major life events. The intimacy thing was the main problem. We stopped having sex for a long time, about 7 months actually. The main reason for it was my fault; I was having health issues. I have already fixed the problem. Anyway, we are very compatible and have been best friends. She actually said this upon the break up. I know she cares about me a lot, and it took her a long time to decide to break up. I really love her, and am kicking myself that I let this happen. Long story short, I live with her. I have mostly stuck to my room and have only spoken a few words with her since the break up. (Initially, I apologized but told her I thought we could fix it. We had a small fight a couple days later, and I asked her again if there was anything I could do to fix it I think a week or so afterward. All things considered, I don't think I reacted that bad.) Anyway, we have been under NC for about two weeks here. I can't read her, but I know she at least doesn't hate me and she is being very mature about our situation. I believe I have been as well. I move out in one month. Is there any hope for us? For the time being I plan to keep NC going while we live together. I've been thinking of telling her the truth, which is that no matter what happens now the break up had to happen. The intimacy thing was bad. I really don't think it would be an issue again if we got back together, but it's a tough thing to prove. I know that up until at least 4-6 weeks ago she was still attracted to me. She tried to get me in the mood and I shot her down :/ She claims it has been gone longer than that. Anyway, I'm rambling. Do you guys think there is any hope for us? What is the best thing I can do? I can accept that this is over, but I also want to do everything I can to leave the door open. I truly think the two of us are good together, and I have learned from this and can change.

[Aesc]

So I am wondering if people have an outside perspective on my situation, or have been in a similar one. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about a month ago. She stated she was no longer happy and the main reason was that we had lost intimacy. She also cited a couple other stupid things I did, basically wasn't there for her a couple times during major life events. The intimacy thing was the main problem. We stopped having sex for a long time, about 7 months actually. The main reason for it was my fault; I was having health issues. I have already fixed the problem. Anyway, we are very compatible and have been best friends. She actually said this upon the break up. I know she cares about me a lot, and it took her a long time to decide to break up. I really love her, and am kicking myself that I let this happen. Long story short, I live with her. I have mostly stuck to my room and have only spoken a few words with her since the break up. (Initially, I apologized but told her I thought we could fix it. We had a small fight a couple days later, and I asked her again if there was anything I could do to fix it I think a week or so afterward. All things considered, I don't think I reacted that bad.) Anyway, we have been under NC for about two weeks here. I can't read her, but I know she at least doesn't hate me and she is being very mature about our situation. I believe I have been as well. I move out in one month. Is there any hope for us? For the time being I plan to keep NC going while we live together. I've been thinking of telling her the truth, which is that no matter what happens now the break up had to happen. The intimacy thing was bad. I really don't think it would be an issue again if we got back together, but it's a tough thing to prove. I know that up until at least 4-6 weeks ago she was still attracted to me. She tried to get me in the mood and I shot her down :/ She claims it has been gone longer than that. Anyway, I'm rambling. Do you guys think there is any hope for us? What is the best thing I can do? I can accept that this is over, but I also want to do everything I can to leave the door open. I truly think the two of us are good together, and I have learned from this and can change.

It doesn't matter what we think, what matters is if the two of you think there is any hope for each other. Why don't you just grab her and make hot passionate love to her? Pick her up and carry her to the bedroom. I'm sure if you time it right it will happen. Maybe a few drinks to help loosen things up first.

[DumpedGuy9617]

I have thought of that, but I'm worried if she rejects it things will get worse. Best case scenario would be that she makes a move. Right now this is really raw for me still, and I need some sign she would be open to that. I guess I'm afraid of driving her further away. Right now she at least doesn't hate me, and has done a couple things that proves she at least cares about me as a friend. For instance, they were plowing our lot this morning and they called her because I hadn't moved my car. She woke me up so it didn't get towed. She doesn't initiate conversation, but she talks to me and smiles at me. Idk. Thanks for the advice. If I think I have a shot, maybe I'll try.

[Sweetfish]

So I am wondering if people have an outside perspective on my situation, or have been in a similar one. My girlfriend of two years broke up with me about a month ago. She stated she was no longer happy and the main reason was that we had lost intimacy. She also cited a couple other stupid things I did, basically wasn't there for her a couple times during major life events. The intimacy thing was the main problem. We stopped having sex for a long time, about 7 months actually. The main reason for it was my fault; I was having health issues. I have already fixed the problem. Anyway, we are very compatible and have been best friends. She actually said this upon the break up. I know she cares about me a lot, and it took her a long time to decide to break up. I really love her, and am kicking myself that I let this happen. Long story short, I live with her. I have mostly stuck to my room and have only spoken a few words with her since the break up. (Initially, I apologized but told her I thought we could fix it. We had a small fight a couple days later, and I asked her again if there was anything I could do to fix it I think a week or so afterward. All things considered, I don't think I reacted that bad.) Anyway, we have been under NC for about two weeks here. I can't read her, but I know she at least doesn't hate me and she is being very mature about our situation. I believe I have been as well. I move out in one month. Is there any hope for us? For the time being I plan to keep NC going while we live together. I've been thinking of telling her the truth, which is that no matter what happens now the break up had to happen. The intimacy thing was bad. I really don't think it would be an issue again if we got back together, but it's a tough thing to prove. I know that up until at least 4-6 weeks ago she was still attracted to me. She tried to get me in the mood and I shot her down :/ She claims it has been gone longer than that. Anyway, I'm rambling. Do you guys think there is any hope for us? What is the best thing I can do? I can accept that this is over, but I also want to do everything I can to leave the door open. I truly think the two of us are good together, and I have learned from this and can change.

 

 

Not to be a jerk, but seriously guy you had a health issue. You have no reason to apologize unless you were doing rec drugs than that's a different story. Do you really want to be with a woman who falls out of love because you were ill for 7 month? The real reason she doesn't respect you is how passive your being about the situation and she will never admit that to you.

 

She is using the sex as a smoke screen buddy. Open your eyes.

 

To be honest you need to shift the power of being the dumpee and feel empowered by the situation. The power to grow as a person and become a better person and in that time she may or may not come back.

[DumpedGuy9617]

Thanks for your input, but I don't think that's the case. The heath issue was I was being very unhealthy and stressed out all the time. You are right though, I am working on myself and feeling pretty good. This was def the best relationship of my life, and I'm taking it better than previous ones. The sex was the main issue, along with the fact I didn't resolve it sooner.

[Aesc]

I have thought of that, but I'm worried if she rejects it things will get worse. If I think I have a shot, maybe I'll try.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going to strongly discourage you from essentially ambushing her and trying to cart her off to the bedroom. If I had a broken up with a guy and he tried that,I would be very unhappy. She isn't yours to ravish like that anymore. She put a boundary in place when she ended it, so please respect that.

 

Unfortunately, it's very hard to come back from a loss of intimacy and changed feelings. 7 months is a long time for anyone, but particularly when the relationship only lasted 2 years. Comparatively, that's a significant chunk of time to feel rejected and undesired. She had been thinking about this for a while before she actually pulled the plug. I'm sure she knows you're capable of changing but the problem is she no longer has the desire to try. Too little, too late, as the saying goes.

 

I wouldn't hold my breath for her to come back. It's not impossible, but I feel in order for that to happen she needs a lot of time and space away from you. She might even date other guys. You might date other girls. She can't miss you until you two are no longer sharing the same space.

[DumpedGuy9617]

Thanks for your input. I think you are probably right. In hindsight this has been coming for a long time, and it's probably been months since I could have done anything to change it. I agree the only thing to do is give it space, and wish her the best. I do think odds aren't bad she will date a couple jackasses (she is a young girl and this was her first steady relationship) and realize I'm not such a bad guy. But then again, we will likely be too far apart by then. Best to chalk it up as a painful learning experience and move on.

 

I have been doing well with NC for having to live with her, but I do feel compelled to tell her I understand and accept this situation, and I honestly acknowledge it needed to happen. Not in an effort to get her back, because I know it won't work, but to wish her off well. It's really too bad it happened this way, because it's rare to find someone you connect with on this level. But not impossible This is probably the first time in my life there is a good chance this will be a clean break. I don't harbor any resentment toward her, and I don't think she does toward me. I'm time we could be friends I think, probably when we are both seeing someone else. Heartbreaks a bitch, but anyone reading this, I am in the heat of it and I still know it will pass. Keep your heads up.

[kel224]

Hey DumpedGuy,

 

I was in a very similar situation, my ex gf broke up with me in October. We had just moved in officially a few months before. Her reasons were quite similar-she was overall unhappy and felt like we were just roommates. I also had some issues that shot our sex life down to 1-2 times/month. She felt like just a friend, and like I had stopped "dating" her. I similarly beat myself up for a while for not understanding what I was doing "wrong". But don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Sometimes people can be totally in love, but life catches up to you and you grow apart without realizing it. Or you get too comfortable in the relationship and don't really see the signs that it's falling apart-especially if it's your first real long-term relationship. Just learn from it, and promise yourself to not let it happen again with whoever you're with-be it your ex or a new partner. For now you must accept that the relationship is over, and respect why she had to. Sexual issues are very important to most people, so its understandable if that was the main problem.

 

Here are my immediate impressions: try and move out as soon as you can. It really sucks, but there's a good chance that she lost that 'in-love' feeling a long time ago and has started pointing her eyes at other guys, if not talking to or seeing some already. I never in a million years thought my ex would do something like this, but I found out the day before I moved out that she started getting physical with her "good friend" just the day after she broke up with me. And it's pretty clear now she had been lining him up for a while. Unfortunately, a lot of people do that kind of thing. Some people need the reassurance that they won't be alone, so they wait to breakup until they have they've fallen out of love and have prospects for another person in their sights.

 

Not all women will do things like that, but it's not uncommon. Just please watch out for yourself and be cautious. If she checked out emotionally a long time ago, she may well be ready to start dating again. And that is within her right now. And at the end of the day, she does need to do for herself whatever she thinks will make her happiest. That might include seeing and sleeping with other guys already. I'm sure she does still care about you a lot, but if she's broken up with you it's just not the same anymore for her. Women often take a very long time and do everything they can to avoid a breakup. By the time they do, they're often romantically removed from you. And it seems that your ex has indicated that the physical spark just isn't there for her anymore.

 

Here's my suggestion for a gameplan: try to move out as soon as you can. She probably already knows you still love her, but if you haven't told her yet and you're on good terms I'd say it's best to tell her you love her (just once, and be very genuine about it if you do) and care about her a lot, understand and respect her need to leave. Let her know that you've taken care of your health issue, but don't expect that she'll change her mind at all. Then tell her that if she ever wants to try and reconcile in the future, for her to not be afraid to reach out.

 

After that, it's time for you to go no contact (except logistics about the move-nothing more!) and accept that the relationship is over. Once you're moved out-your new life starts. You need to focus on you and improving yourself as much as you can. You gotta polish this turd thrown your way into gold. By doing that and staying no contact, you'll heal. And you'll start to attract new women. The added bonus is that your ex may see how you've become even more awesome and may come around and consider reconnecting. But truly, that is only a bonus and shouldn't be your goal at this point.

 

Good luck, I think you'll come out of this better than ever.

Edited December 21, 2016 by kel224

[Hopefuleddie]

Hi,

Sorry that you are have come to this point in your relationship. I'm sure this must be had for you. I would humbly suggest, keeping things as they are, while doing some honest evaluations of yourself, and the relationship [her input might help in this exercise if she is willing], then decide your next step. Please remember, break ups are not always the end of you; especially when you use it as an opportunity to evaluate and prioritize your life for better results in this or your next relationship. Wishing you all the best, and hope things workout it out well to the point that you get married.