What can I do for my gf to make her feel better again?

[nordanvind]

To make a long story short I have hurt my girlfriend tremendously much. I had sexual fantasies of some celebrity women and I lied about it to my gf and told her that I didn't have sexual fantasies of anyone. This happened a few months back and things seem to crumble now. I did a thread on this when it happened, you can read that here.

 

First of all the problem now is that she says she cannot trust me, she thinks that all I say now are lies. The 2nd problem is that at the moment we're in a long distance relationship so I'm sure that's making things worse. She says that every day she can feel the pain that I have caused her. She says that I haven't done anything for her... so my question now is what can I do to make up for what I have done to her?

 

This is what I've been doing this far: I went to see some therapists to be able to control my fantasies so that I wouldn't lust for any other women anymore. I go to work and then I stay at home every day so she knows exactly where I am and every single time she calls me I can talk to her. I talk to her for hours every day on the phone. This I do to make sure she wouldn't start to wonder what it is I am doing. I've been trying to listen to her... encourage her... understand her... be there for her... not only when it comes to this matter but also when it comes to everything else in her life, like problems in school, with her friends, family, ect. I've been reading stuff about how to do in situations like this... well what I've read deals with infidelity but I guess this situation we're in now is similar, but I haven't been able to find any good information from there.

 

I thought that within time the wound would heal and that she'd not think about this anymore and realize that I'm not a bad guy after all but this hasn't happened. What has happened is that she's getting more and more angry every day. She constantly tells me to do something for her. I ask her what can I do? But she refuses to tell me and says that I have to figure that out myself. She asked me to do a diary once over every single thing I do each day so that she'd know what I'm up to... but then we were having an argument so she told me to stop writing them because she hadn't bothered reading them anyways.

 

She says that everything that I've been doing this far has been for myself and I haven't done anything for her... but I'm really stuck at the moment. I don't know what to do anymore to make up for this whole mess. I've been thinking but I just get nowhere. I could give her stuff like flowers but she won't accept that and says that I think I can just buy myself free from this. Other than this I haven't been able to think of anything else to do for her that I haven't tried before.

 

Do you guys have any more suggestions of what to do? What would make her feel better? If you've been in a situation like this before, what did your SO do to make you feel better and make up for what he/she did?

[TylerC]

Dude, she is not worth having no social life over. It's a fantasy, and I can guarantee you she's had some herself too. It's your mind and she can't tell you what to think; are you going to act on those fantasies? No, at least I hope not. Tell her that and see what she says.

 

Still, though, just because you fantasized about a celebrity doesn't mean that you have to punish yourself. If she doesn't trust you, then find someone that does.

[shygurl]

Sorry buddy - I read your previous post and this one...and all I can say is that you're GF is a very insecure CONTROL FREAK! I'd be curious to know what ages you both are?

 

She didn't like you viewing porn so you gave that up for her.

 

She expects you to sit around at home and be there to take her calls or else she's going to be paranoid that you're out cheating.

 

She actually had the AUDACITY to want you to keep a diary to itemize every single thing you did in a day - to account for where you were/what you did. YIKES! That's insane.

 

My God, I think that everyone has fantasies from time to time, it's part of being HUMAN (though your biggest mistake was admitting this to her, sorry). And crap, these fantasies were about celebrities (LOL).....not even women you'd have a chance with.

 

Sorry but your GF needs some intensive professional help because she's brainwashing you, she's putting you on guilt trips, she's controlling you, she's not treating you very well. She wants you to do "something" for her but won't even tell you what the hell it is. Sorry dude but she seems almost mentally abusive to me.

 

Being in a relationship and living your life shouldn't be akin to living a life sentence in a prison. You should be free to go out and do things when you want...not rush home from work and be sitting there by the phone, waiting for her call.

 

My God, you didn't cheat on her - all you did was finally get the courage to be honest with her - to a stupid question she shouldn't have asked in the first place (nor should you have told her the answer you finally did but what's done is done).

 

She is going to continue to punish you and that's just wrong.

 

Do you even have any friends that you can go out and do things with? I'm betting, based on what you've written, that your life consists of working and going home - that's it. That's not healthy.

 

I think you need some counselling, too, to help you see that her issues are HER ISSUES and that she's mistreating you and punishing you and putting you on unnecessary guilt trips - and basically you don't have balance in your life - you don't even have any freedom to just live.

 

How long have you 2 been together? You mentioned that it's a long distance relationship................will it always be long distance?

 

TO ADD: she sounds like a total Drama Queen - all about herself, all about this supposed pain you've caused her, bla bla bla. Spare me. Either she's going to be an adult and get past this "human thing" you admitted to or she's going to hold it over your head forever and "make you pay" every day. Who the hell is she to dictate that you can't view porn if you want to? She's not your wife, she's not your Mother - she acts like she owns you, she sounds like a manipulative dictator! How unattractive.

 

There's nothing more you can do here - she's the one with the issues, she's blown this all completely out of proportion and i don't see it going away any time soon. Sounds like she's got a sh*tload of issues with trust and they're likely very deep-seated and not issues that will just go away with time/WITHOUT professional help (for her). Is this really all worth it to you?

 

Do you really enjoy living like you're a in a prison and you've got a Warden to answer to? It sounds like a lot of discontent, chaos, stress, guilt, drama, crap. This is NOT how relationships should be, trust me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel bad for you - she has got you so messed up that you now think that normal sexual fantasy is a bad thing, and something you are ashamed of. She was so insecure about herself that you had to lie in order to hide the fact that you have NORMAL sexual fantasies. Now she is crucifying you for the end result of her own emotional problems. She is the one that needs help. Seriously!

 

She needs to be going to counseling and therapy herself!

 

She is an emotional vampire living down in an emotional black hole - and you are giving all you have, and you will continue to give and continue to give and continue to give and nothing you do will satisfy her ... why? Because she is trying to find her sense of security, self esteem and emotional well being inside you, instead of the only place she will find it: within herself.

 

She uses passive aggressive behavior, and emotional blackmail to try to control you into doing her bidding, and to her frustration she finds that she is no happier for it - so she ratchets it up another notch and another notch... eventually you'll have nothing left to give, and when you are a dried up husk at her feet she'll kick you for it and curse you for "not making her happy".

 

Here's the clue your girlfriend needs to get: She will never find happiness and security with another person if she does not already have that within herself.

 

She constantly tells me to do something for her.

 

You want to do something for her? I mean a REAL something that will truly help her out in her life? Tell her that unless she agrees to go to counseling to get help for her self esteem issues, and passive aggressive behavior you will end the relationship. She may not think she needs it, but if she is compelled to go and she begins to gain some emotional strength, confidence, ability to handle her anger, ability to feel happy and secure with herself - then you are doing the things she truly and desperately needs, and not the self destructive enabling of her emotional black hole that she wants.

[nordanvind]

Thanks for the replies.

 

1) all we're not that young anymore. I'm 25 and she's 23... quite old for a problem like this, eh? We've been together for 5 years as well so I thought that we were comfortable and secure enough with ourselves and our relationship to be discussing things like this. The truth is that I didn't admit to her right away but she had to press me. She eventually said that "Honesty is the best policy" so I thought fine, I'll tell her then. Looks like this is what honesty has brought. Then she wants me to tell her stuff that she doesn't know but when I do it just gives her more ammonition to use against me. One example is that I said that I get flattered if some other girl is trying to flirt with me. This was another bad mistake because that's another thing she constantly brings up.

 

2) I tried to tell her that I wouldn't act on any fantasies, besides they're just of some celebrity anyways... she just disregarded that and said that she knows that I'm weak and if the opportunity would arise then I would just give in and cheat on her. I said that's not true but then she just says that I shouldn't argue with her. I tried to tell her that it's human nature to have fantasies but she says that she's never had fantasies like that. I've tried to tell her how I think and feel and try to make her realize that she has nothing to be afraid of... that even if I find some other woman to be attractive that doesn't mean that I don't find her to be attractive as well... but in her mind everything is very black and white. Either I find her to be attractive and no other women, or I find other women to be attractive and not her.

 

3) I do have very good friends who stick with me through thick and thin, although I don't get to see them very often nowadays...

 

4) The long distance relationship will end next spring when I get my master's degree so I can finally get to move to her.

 

5) I did tell her to go for councelling the other day. I told her that I know one thing that will help you, but I know you won't like to hear it. Then I told her that I thought she should go and see a councellor. She said that she wouldn't pay for something that I caused, that I should fix the mess I have caused myself. Then I said that it's not only for this issue but there are other things as well that you need to get councelling about. Then she got furious and said that I didn't take responsibility for my own actions and was trying to point fingers and put the blame on her.

 

6) Another thing about her is that she's started to accuse me of a lot of things... like I lust for anything that moves, that I like my brother's girlfriend... one of her friends... and this which upsets me the most... she also accuses me of lusting for my cousins that are 14 and 15 years old... she says that I always lie, I'm never honest with her, ect. I told her that these things are not true and that she's hurting more if this is what she thinks of me, but she just disregarded that as another attempt of me to put the blame on her.

 

7) When I try to do something then I'm just getting screamed at. For example I gave her all my passwords to my e-mails, msn, ect, but she was screaming at me for doing this... it wasn't good enough... in fact I'm not really sure why she was angry. When I try to talk to her rationally she says that I'm trying to arge with her. When I try to give her space then I don't do anything for her and when I call her up and try to talk to her then I'm pressuring her. So most of the time no matter what I do it's something wrong with it. What upset me the most was that recently she was having some problems with her friend. I was there for her, listened to her, gave her advice, and was getting her through the situation. Then afterwards she asked if I was helping her to make myself look better to her. I said that I was helping her for her sake, but also partly sure I was hoping that this will show her that I'm a nice guy. Then she said that I was really helping her for my own sake and not for her... I said that even if we were not in this situation right now then I would have helped her but no matter what nice I do when we're in this situation I'll also hope that she'll see me in a better light.

 

Basically I'm running out of ideas here. Everything I try to do has some fault and of course this means that I don't really do anything for her. I am going to take your advice, LucreziaBorgia, and try to pressure her into going for councelling. I really hope that it works...

[shygurl]

First off - I'd be curious to know if these issues came up ONLY after you 2 became "long distance"? I gather that this is the case.

 

Has it ever occured to you that maybe SHE is the one who's REALLY CHEATING ON YOU? It's very very very very common for someone who's cheating to be constantly accusing their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat. She's protesting wayyyyyyyyyyy too much.

 

If that's not the case (and I guess you won't know for sure because she lives apart from you), then I think she's certifiably NUTS, paranoid, obsessive, demanding, unrealistic, unfairly accusatory, controlling, disrespectful, untrusting, manipulative, hostile, antagonistic etc etc etc.

 

In a relationship, you should be able to feel FREE to answer a question honestly when you're pressured to answer it - like you did.

 

She is making bizarre and obnoxious accusations - she's obsessed a nutjob. To accuse you of being interested in your teenage COUSINS? That's just sick. That just shows you the extent of her craziness. She's mentally unbalanced. Next thing you know she'll be accusing you of getting it on with you own Mother!!

 

You should NOT have to give someone your email/chat passwords - ever. If they don't trust you and you've not given them a legit reason to mistrust you, then you need to get out of the relationship. She is extremely unreasonable and I don't think that she'd be happy if you were to give up your left kidney - you'll never be able to do enough here.

 

This is NOT a relationship, this is a prison sentence. You need to develop a backbone and stand up for yourself as a man/person..........and put your foot down to this blatant abuse and manipulation. She is being mentally, verbally and emotionally ABUSIVE (take this from a woman who's been in abusive relationships, including a marriage).

 

You canNOT make her go to counselling..................she does not see that she's got problems, she's putting all of the blame on you. Don't even waste your time trying to get through to her because in the process, all she'll do is continue to make you feel bad, worthless, unworthy, guilty of ludicrous things you haven't even done/would never do.

 

I read in your previous post about how she "tested" you........but showing you pictures of good looking women and wanting you to tell her what you thought of them...............she is sick, dude. She is twisted and deranged and I mean this in the most honest way.

 

You need to get some counselling for yourself because buddy, you're being horribly abused here - you really are - except you don't even see it.

 

You need to put your foot down and tell her straight up that you're TIRED of her abuse and unforgivable/false accusations and paranoid ideations and suspicions and craziness................you've done nothing wrong, all you did was be honest with her...........you will not be held emotionally hostage to her BS any longer....and until such times as she can get the "help" she needs, and realizes she's got problems, you want no part of this..................................and you've got to STAND YOUR GROUND. i'm serious.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If she does not go to therapy, she will never change. She will always be this emotionally abusive to you, and as long as you stay with her you will be emotionally abused. The person who has to change here is her. If she doesn't then this is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your life. You will never, ever, ever "make her happy" in the way she truly needs to be, but that will never stop her from draining the very life out of you in an effort to make that happen.

[nordanvind]

If anyone is interested in reading, here's an update to this whole messy story. It looks like it's over for good now... We were talking and were having a wonderful time on wednesday until she wanted to know "the truth". She was asking me about her looks... she only wanted to know the negatives... basically I said that her body and looks aren't perfect... that's all she wanted to hear. When I wanted to say that in my eyes she's beautiful she said that I lied because I had just said that there are people with nicer bodies than her, ect. Her questions were really designed to tap into my thoughts about her looks that are not favourable... anything negative I have ever thought about her had to come out.... probably I was stupid enough to fall for that but she said she wanted to know the absolute truth. The thing is that she didn't want to hear the positives. I tried to say that I don't have a perfect body or looks but I also know that she doesn't care about that... the same is true for me.

 

She didn't want to listen to this. She started crying and accused me of never loving her. That what I wanted to do from the beginning was just to have sex with the fat and ugly girl because I thought it would be easy... this hurts me a lot because I have really been a good guy... anyways, she was slamming the phone on me and I was getting worried because she was talking about that she didn't want to live. Then I called one of her friends and said that I'm worried and asked if her friend could go over to talk to my gf and just make sure that she's fine. All I said is that we had an argument and that she's hurt... well then the next morning I got a call from my gf and she was pissed at me for involving other people in our problems. I said that I was really worried but she didn't want to listen to this.

 

Then afterwards she called my mother and was saying what had happened, that I've been having fantasies of other women, been looking at them and so on. Then my mom called me and said that my gf had called her and been telling her what's happened. My mom said she almost started laughing when she heard what my gf told her. My mom said she tried to tell my gf that every guy was looking at women but obviously my gf didn't want to listen. She then asked me if this is how it's been like all the time? I said yea... it's impossible to talk and reason with her. My gf then told my mom to tell me to not call her anymore.

 

Still then later on last night me and my gf were speaking on the phone. She asked me what my mom had said. I said that she thought that my gf was overreacting. My gf didn't want to hear this and was getting pissed at my mom for judging her. She said that all she wanted to do was to call and tell my mom that we were having problems and that she shouldn't worry. This is obviously a silly explanation because the reason she was calling was that she wanted my parents to get angry with me. She was saying that she has noone and I'm having my family who will stick by me no matter what I do... which is true I guess but isn't this what families are for?

 

Then she was crying and said she felt so ugly, worthless and so on. I tried again to tell her that in my eyes she's beautiful. Then she was starting to tell a lot of bad stuff about me. How ugly I am, what a freak I am, how I will never be able to find another gf, that the only thing that I have that girls would like is money, that I have no personality, ect. Obviously this hurt me but then again if my gf wanted to be with me for 5 years and she really loved me then what she said couldn't be true. How could she love a guy who's this bad?

 

Then she said that she had been asking her friends for advice. She said that when we started dating her friends had told her to just use me for my money, that she should find another bf when she was away studying... stuff like that. She said she had told them then that she loves me and she doesn't want to hurt me. I'm thinking now that what kind of friends are that who tell he stuff like that anyways? She said that they had also told her to leave me when I had been having sexual fantasies but she said that she had told them that she loves me and she wants to be with me and she wants to solve this problem. I asked her then how come over the past few months she never told me that but she was just putting me down. She said that she didn't want to do anything because she said that if I really love her then I'd be doing anything for her to make things work. It seems as though everything she's put me through was some kind of a test... to see how much crap I'm able to take or something... She said then that I had just been sitting on my butt and haven't done anything for her and that this shows that I don't really care. Then she said that she doesn't want to see me anymore. I've hurt her too much and that she doesn't want to be with me. I said that if that's what she wants then I won't contact her anymore. Then she was hanging up....

 

The thing now is that this is most likely another test, because if I really loved her then I would probably have been telling her that I want to be with her and so on... which I did say but she just went on with that she doesn't want to see me anymore. The funny thing about her is that she says that she's a truthful and straightforward person. But how truthful and straightforward is she really when she won't reveal her real feelings for me but instead just try to put me down? I'm going to respect her wishes to not see me anymore but what hurts me now is that she'll most likely tell people that I was giving up on her... or something similar...

 

The thing is that I do love her because she's a wonderful person and we get along so well and have such a good time... her problem is her insecurities and it hurts me that she's willing to let them get the best of her so she's throwing away a 5 year long loving relationship. I've been giving her my everything and now I just feel empty. It's as if she was asking me all those questions to reveal anything negative I've been thinking about her was a way for her to confirm her worst fears... that I don't love her and that I've just been using her to get what I want. Probably I was stupid to fall into her trap but then again I've been trying to tell her the truth for months already that I think she's beautiful. The truth is also that obviously her looks aren't perfect... after all she's just a human like everyone else... so I thought that if I do tell her this then perhaps she'll get over things and believe that I'm being honest with her.

 

Oh well, I guess what I can do now is to try to get over her somehow, try to remember all the wonderful times we've been having and forget about the bad stuff. At least our last conversation before the "truth-telling session" was wonderful. I have so many great memories from our years together. I hope that she'll realize one day that she gave up on a guy who really loved her and who was giving her his everything. I also hope that she'll be happy in whatever she's doing and that she'll be able to get over her insecurities somehow.

[Sal Paradise]

She isn't wonderful, she is screwed up in the head. Actually she sounds kind of scarey, stalkerish, type of insecure. She needs constant reassurance and expects you to never look at a woman at all. I mean come on. Don't think for one minute this is normal behavior or you are somehow causing this.

 

The redflag should of been the giving up the porn for her. My gf doesn't care if I watch porn or masturbate. Most secure women don't. She would never interrogate me over a fantasy or whether I was having them or not. Everyone has fanatasies from time to time, including your gf. She is out of her mind. I mean seriously. I feel sorry for who ever she ends up with and god help us all if she procreates and raises children.

 

The problem is you're a nice guy, way too nice. She is taking advantage of that. Any one else would of left a long time ago. There is NOTHING you can DO that will make her stop being this way. You're not the one who should be seeing the therapist, she is. She needs a shrink.

 

I suggest to move on, find a normal girl. You'll be suprised how quickly you get over this nutjob once you realize not all women are like this. Just look at your mom, she seems to have her head on straight. She even see's that your gf is out of her mind.