Push/Pull in Affairs

[Aurorra79]

Can someone please explain what exactly push/pull in an affair means and examples?

 

Has anyone ever had a MM lie to get out of an affair or to get rid of you?

[starswewillnavigate]

I think you can look at it another was - blowing hot and cold. when they want you, they never leave you alone. When your services aren't required, they pull back or go cold.

[freengreen]

You: Hey! I feel low

OM: oh

You: I need you

OM: * no response*

You: You there?

OM: will be back, little busy..

* 3 days later*

you: I think i need to take a break

*after 2 weeks*

OM: hey! miss you how are you?.. want to meet?

* sex*

 

He pushes you away when you need something, pulls you back when you are loosening his leash.

 

If you allow, the cycle continues forever or until he thinks you are boring.

[BluesPower]

Hon, I have read over your other stuff.

 

I am just not sure that you are getting it. So, I am going to try and lay it out for you.

 

You are having an affair and you are both married, OK. You have to understand that you are a side piece to him. You are willing and ready for the most part.

 

Yes most MM will lie to keep you or lie to get rid of you. I never did but most do. I think the fact that you are having/had feelings for him is making you a liability.

 

If he is doing the push/pull then he does not need to have sex with you right now, he probably had a good few days with his wife and is not horny or she is on to him. Or, he could be busy with one of his other women.

 

He probably has more that you on the side, I always did.

 

This is what it is like having an affair, especially with this kind of guy.

 

If you want to keep it up this is what it is like. But understand that the longer you go the better chance of your husband finding out.

 

Then you may not have a choice about breaking up your family.

 

Anyway, what you are experiencing is usually what affairs are all about. At times you get some great sex and they almost always end badly.

[BabyDont]

Mine doesn't really but kind of did the first year a bit, he also has asked me why I've blown hot and cold and we both agreed it's when n bee got super close emotionally and backed up a bit as to not lead each other on and also get our thoughts together. If you get to close it means something and that often freaks people out, especially guys and girls who are already a little standoffish about commitment. (All cheating people are afraid of commitment in some way in my opinion.)

[Babsinhealing]

Can someone please explain what exactly push/pull in an affair means and examples?

 

Has anyone ever had a MM lie to get out of an affair or to get rid of you?

I have never "caught" my MM in a lie- now whether or not he has - it's never blatantly come out. He's always been open and honest with me (even if it's something I don't want to hear)...I guess he just doesn't feel the need to lie to me- we don't future fake, if we can't meet, we don't meet and he tells me the reason why (work, kids, wife, family stuff, etc) and I do the same. Now I know many BS or hurt OW just assume this comes with the territory and I'm not saying that there aren't pathological liars out there but I personally haven't seen it in my A. We both do the push/pull- it's normal in A. A lot of it is to just keep our heads out of the clouds and not get to consumed. Good luck... I know you are struggling but always remember - HE is not responsible for your happiness or emotional wellbeing - that is your responsibility. He's just a supplement!

[jennifernyc84]

You: Hey! I feel low

OM: oh

You: I need you

OM: * no response*

You: You there?

OM: will be back, little busy..

* 3 days later*

you: I think i need to take a break

*after 2 weeks*

OM: hey! miss you how are you?.. want to meet?

* sex*

 

He pushes you away when you need something, pulls you back when you are loosening his leash.

 

If you allow, the cycle continues forever or until he thinks you are boring.

 

 

This answer is repulsing and nauseating...but so very true.

 

I cannot tell you how many texts threads I have still in my phone JUST like that!! But when you want something to be true, it's good enough.

[Satu]

Every MM is lying to somebody about something.

 

And so is the AP.

 

The most corrosive thing about affairs is that dishonesty.

 

 

Take care.

[freengreen]

This answer is repulsing and nauseating...but so very true.

 

I cannot tell you how many texts threads I have still in my phone JUST like that!! But when you want something to be true, it's good enough.

I know!.. I so know!

[aileD]

Jennifer! Delete them! FREE YOURSELF!

[Satu]

Jennifer! Delete them! FREE YOURSELF!

 

Good advice.

 

 

I've posted this before, but its worthy of a repost.

 

 

The time will come

when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror

and each will smile at the other's welcome,

 

and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

 

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

 

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

 

 

- Derek Walcott, Love after love.

 

 

Take care.

[Southern Sun]

Can someone please explain what exactly push/pull in an affair means and examples?

 

Has anyone ever had a MM lie to get out of an affair or to get rid of you?

 

Push and pull and lying can be two different things.

 

Others have described push/pull well. That went on throughout almost my entire affair. MM went cold at times; chose when to respond to communication or when to initiate it; sometimes would go off the map; then would turn on the charm when he wanted sex or when he felt me slipping.

 

I will give you an example of an MM lying to get out of an affair: my xMM told his previous OW that he just needed to lay low for a while bc his wife was suspicious of them. In reality he was moving on to me. Nice, huh?

 

(I didn't know this at the time).

 

Now I always think about that, when I hear stories about MMs saying, I need to back off, or I need a break, or my wife is onto us. "Talk soon babe." Something to do with the kids is another good "lie", because it would make you feel like an extra jerk for complaining. Hard to ever know what's true.

[Satu]

"I can't see you for a while, because:"

 

"I'm so tired."

"I'm so stressed."

"Things are crazy at work."

"She's watching me like a hawk."

"This is a bad time for me."

"I don't feel well."

"I'm under do much Pressure."

 

Always the victim.

[whatever29]

"I can't see you for a while, because:"

 

"I'm so tired."

"I'm so stressed."

"Things are crazy at work."

"She's watching me like a hawk."

"This is a bad time for me."

"I don't feel well."

"I'm under too much Pressure."

 

Always the victim.

 

I'm sure we could create a huge list of this bull. My favorite was "I'm tired of making promises I can't keep." fxMM was always the victim of something. Never their fault. When they need something - wow look at that - suddenly they are right there. Yet, when you need something, it's a bucket of excuses from a bottomless well.

 

Push and pull and lying can be two different things.

 

I will give you an example of an MM lying to get out of an affair: my xMM told his previous OW that he just needed to lay low for a while bc his wife was suspicious of them. In reality he was moving on to me. Nice, huh?

 

(I didn't know this at the time).

 

Now I always think about that, when I hear stories about MMs saying, I need to back off, or I need a break, or my wife is onto us. "Talk soon babe." Something to do with the kids is another good "lie", because it would make you feel like an extra jerk for complaining. Hard to ever know what's true.

 

Wow SouthernSun...lower than low. I love how they think they can just breeze in and out without a care for anyone's feelings. No explanation or reason. So conflict avoidant. I'm not sure the truth really exists with these types.

Edited December 21, 2016 by whatever29

[Girlfromcali]

You: Hey! I feel low

OM: oh

You: I need you

OM: * no response*

You: You there?

OM: will be back, little busy..

* 3 days later*

you: I think i need to take a break

*after 2 weeks*

OM: hey! miss you how are you?.. want to meet?

* sex*

 

He pushes you away when you need something, pulls you back when you are loosening his leash.

 

If you allow, the cycle continues forever or until he thinks you are boring.

 

 

This is exactly my relationship with my MM..

 

With one exception. It is ME who after two weeks texts "I miss you".

[Southern Sun]

I'm sure we could create a huge list of this bull. My favorite was "I'm tired of making promises I can't keep." fxMM was always the victim of something. Never their fault. When they need something - wow look at that - suddenly they are right there. Yet, when you need something, it's a bucket of excuses from a bottomless well.

 

 

 

Wow SouthernSun...lower than low. I love how they think they can just breeze in and out without a care for anyone's feelings. No explanation or reason. So conflict avoidant. I'm not sure the truth really exists with these types.

 

I couldn't help but wonder if he was accomplishing two things by doing this. One, he ended the affair in a "nice guy" way, not telling her his REAL reason; and two, he could also be keeping his options open, in case he decided to return.

[Satu]

snip

I'm sure we could create a huge list of this bull. My favorite was *"I'm tired of making promises I can't keep." fxMM was always the victim of something. Never their fault. When they need something - wow look at that - suddenly they are right there. Yet, when you need something, it's a bucket of excuses from a bottomless well.

 

That is so noble a sentiment that one can only be humbled

[Girlfromcali]

You: Hey! I feel low

OM: oh

You: I need you

OM: * no response*

You: You there?

OM: will be back, little busy..

* 3 days later*

you: I think i need to take a break

*after 2 weeks*

OM: hey! miss you how are you?.. want to meet?

* sex*

 

He pushes you away when you need something, pulls you back when you are loosening his leash.

 

If you allow, the cycle continues forever or until he thinks you are boring.

 

I just texted this to him. He said "you are absolutely correct, I feel depressed but that's not an excuse".

 

This is always why it's hard for me to not feel for him. Damn manipulator. Always about him. Always.

[CommittedToThis]

Always about him. Always.

 

With all due respect with what you're going through, it takes two to tango, you know?

 

Make it all about you this time. Unless you're into the affair, I am not judging.

 

You would laugh at my list of Life Mistakes™.

 

I wish they all could be California girls.

[Girlfromcali]

With all due respect with what you're going through, it takes two to tango, you know?

 

Make it all about you this time. Unless you're into the affair, I am not judging.

 

You would laugh at my list of Life Mistakes™.

 

I wish they all could be California girls.

 

I think we're both as guilty. He is no more responsible than I am. I saw him and I immediately wanted him. I made it look like he initiated it and I was clueless what was going on...but I knew. He has never lied, future faked, said anything bad about his W etc. to me.

We are both feeling the depression due to the loss of affair fog. Everything feels "blah" and nothing is exciting because the drug is gone. Well...not exactly because the desire is still there as strong as ever.

But..in this R, he is the narcissist and I am the codependent. The match made in heaven...or hell.

[BlueBobby]

Can someone please explain what exactly push/pull in an affair means and examples?

 

Has anyone ever had a MM lie to get out of an affair or to get rid of you?

 

It's not always on purpose. Sometimes it's just a way of settling things down. Taking a breather.

 

I haven't lied except maybe by ommison

[Messy Lady]

My MM does the push/pull. He's not lying to me, I'm pretty sure of that and he says he ends things because of guilt etc. The last time he ended it was just under 2 weeks ago but he was back within 5 days and we hadn't seen each other for three of those days! (We work together).

 

As far as I'm concerned in some ways he does it to keep control of me - I.e to manage my expectations, remind me it's sex only (to him maybe, not me) and stop me asking more than he's prepared to give.

 

It's become such a regular pattern now that when he ends things I don't believe him when he says that's it. I've had at least three "right this time I mean it. It's definitely over" talks from him and he's always come back. I know one day he won't but in spite of what many here think, he does a lot to make me happy even when we are "off" so for now I accept things as they are.

[lftbehind]

Hon, I have read over your other stuff.

 

I am just not sure that you are getting it. So, I am going to try and lay it out for you.

 

You are having an affair and you are both married, OK. You have to understand that you are a side piece to him. You are willing and ready for the most part.

 

Yes most MM will lie to keep you or lie to get rid of you. I never did but most do. I think the fact that you are having/had feelings for him is making you a liability.

 

If he is doing the push/pull then he does not need to have sex with you right now, he probably had a good few days with his wife and is not horny or she is on to him. Or, he could be busy with one of his other women.

 

He probably has more that you on the side, I always did.

 

This is what it is like having an affair, especially with this kind of guy.

 

If you want to keep it up this is what it is like. But understand that the longer you go the better chance of your husband finding out.

 

Then you may not have a choice about breaking up your family.

 

Anyway, what you are experiencing is usually what affairs are all about. At times you get some great sex and they almost always end badly.

 

Changed my mind and don't want to post

Edited December 21, 2016 by lftbehind

[freengreen]

I just texted this to him. He said "you are absolutely correct, I feel depressed but that's not an excuse".

 

This is always why it's hard for me to not feel for him. Damn manipulator. Always about him. Always.

 

Yes this royal peaching.

Its like the person who supplied us with weed preaching to not have it. We already feel like muck in A because we are in it and this just squeezes off any lottle self worth left.

 

We are better off without these"obviously entitled".

 

Damn players. Damn A. Damn the lying to spouse.

 

Rule no1: NEVER be no.2

Edited December 21, 2016 by freengreen

[beatcuff]

well it did not take long to deviate from the question and go to 'don't do it'. trying to actually answer the (one of them) question posed:

 

Can someone please explain what exactly push/pull in an affair means and examples?

 

this can be between two single persons as well, it is NOT exclusive to affairs. while it is possible with married persons that live together, it would be odd for it to be possible.

 

PULL: usually during the 'date' or shortly thereafter: "i really enjoy our time together"; "i want to spend more time with you"; make plans for ---- an upcoming event, weekend away, even the next date.

 

PUSH: maybe in the same sentence as "i want to spend more time with you", "but i can't, i need space or i will fall to hard for you"; 'forgetting' about those plans (noted above); silence for days (after a date), then excuses kids, work, family. fine that's life but then you find out he/she went out Saturday with friends, maybe even texting 'we could meet up later [that night]' then ignoring your follow up texts.