Is it common for long-term marrieds to always bicker and bring each other down?

[ChattyKat]

I think that is the one of the roots of my fear to commit to another person in a relationship. Seeing long-term married couples who have been married 30, 40, 50+ years bickering and belittle their spouse make me not want to get married ever. Maybe it's a toxic relationship and I don't realize it.

 

How do most long-term married couples act?

[GoodOnPaper]

Maybe a few of those relationships are toxic but I think that more often than not, "bickering" is just a communication style - one that my wife and I both find highly annoying when we're around couples that operate this way. We are definitely non-bickerers and plan to stay that way.

[GorillaTheater]

Today happens to be our 33rd anniversary. I wouldn't have come here in the first place if we didn't have issues (we're still working on them), but we've never belittled each other. There has always been mutual respect, even when we didn't like each other much.

 

 

On the other hand, we're guilty of some periodic bickering, but likely no more so than anybody else.

 

 

Part of it is managing expectations. Any relationship necessarily involves at least two flawed people who screw up. As long as those flaws and screw-ups aren't too wildly over the top, and the positives outweigh the negatives, the relationship can be healthy nonetheless.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

If you think of all the bad things that could happen in any situation and allow those fears to control you, you aren't going to get much done in life. Don't be afraid of conflict. Instead think of it as a necessity to grow as a person.

 

If at any point in your life you find yourself not doing things out of not wanting to leave your comfort zone. Realize that in that moment you have stopped growing as a person. Strive for contentment, never comfort.

 

This goes for your fears of bickering in relationships just the same. If you are scared to face an issue that might or might not happen, you allow those fears to control your actions and you sit in your comfort zone. No longer growing in that area of your life. Step up to the challenges a relationship will throw at you. They will make you a better person in the end.

[aileD]

Watch this. You're in the power struggle phase

 

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=2NEr5WS3ToM

[Lady2163]

I was raised in a family that produced people who bicker and pick at each other. My folks didn't bicker and pick at each other, but my siblings do with their spouses and with me. I also have aunts/uncles and cousins who do.

 

One time I watched some friends in their 30s do an exchange of information with raised voices and quite a few cut downs. I was VERY horrified at how they talked to each other. Both of them are type A and have high powered jobs where time is money. Their communications style with each other benefits them both to not waste time being overly tactful.

 

I hate family functions. I miss as many as I can. I prefer not to be alone with any of the bickerers, because they can easily bring me down to their level or even lower. Just two months ago I cut loose on one with some of the foulest name calling I've ever used in 50 years. (It had to do with the fact they had conveniently ignored my 40th, 45th and 50th birthday, but wanted me to drive eight hours, spend X number of dollars on a hotel and food for the weekend and then give the birthday person $100 so birthday person and spouse could go on a cruise - spouse was asking everyone to do this instead of buying a present).

 

I had an abusive, alcoholic boyfriend who bickered A LOT. He would make crap up and fight about it. I mean, total lies. Example: your salmon at dinner cost me $35. Well, I'm allergic to fish and my chicken was only $20, you damn tightwad.

 

That was a made up example and not the best one I could have used. What I learned for him and from family members is to ask yourself: how important is this really? If someone says they heard the high temperature for the day is going to be 35 and you know it is only going to be 31 is it worth arguing about?

 

A couple months ago a friend wanted to go see a movie and out to eat at a restaurant that required reservations. She insisted the movie was under two hours long. So, if movie started at 3:45, she wanted 6:00 reservations. I looked it up online and the movie was 2 hours and 14 minutes long. I suggested 6:30 reservations and she kept insisting 6:00. She had XYZ things to do after we ate and was being kind of a jerk. I finally told her I made the reservation for 6:00, when I had made it for 6:40.

 

Sure enough, the trailers started at 3:45, the movie started around 4:00 and she gets panicky about 5:55. I told her not to worry, we would be fine. By the time we got out of the theater, she is in a lather. "I thoguht it was under two hours, I thoguht, I thoguht...." Then she got pissed when I told her our reservation wasn't until 6:40.

 

To be fair, she's kind of a crappy friend and she could have tried to sabotage things on purpose. She's that kind of mental disorder person.

 

So, ask yourself how important it is to be absolutely RIGHT and correct? Is it something you can take care of and keep things planned and scheduled and just not provoke an argument?

 

I can't stand it on Facebook when my friends post an "official" story that is spreading misinformation. We've just come through an election where so much of the negativity was also false. I don't care if you like or dislike Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, don't spread falsehoods just because you want your candidate to win or the latest smear story is just too perfect for you to fact check. I've lost almost a dozen friends from the last three elections. I should message the people at snopes and ask them to be my friends now....

 

So, as someone who can kind of go either way when it comes to bickering, I think it is important for me to know what pushes my buttons. I have to know what my limits are and remind myself what matters and what doesn't.

 

One last thing. I've often used the phrase, "I don't mean to argue and I really don't have the desire to constantly prove my information is right, but...."

 

This was longer than I meant it to be. Hope some of it helps.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it common for long-term married couples to always bicker and bring each other down?

 

As accessible as divorce is today, most couples that "always bicker and bring each other down" don't make it long-term.

 

Having said that, there is a danger in a LTR of accepting our partner's good qualities as the baseline and only noticing their quirks and annoyances. I work hard at appreciating what makes my wife special and avoiding the temptation to take her contribution to our marriage for granted. Other successful couples I know do the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GunslingerRoland]

When a young couple makes smart ass remarks at each other, people call it cute, when an older couple do it, people call it bickering. I'm not sure what the difference is, besides societies perspective.