When did you know that infidelity was a dealbreaker?

[Married1988]

For those who haven't been following my story. I've been together with my husband 31 years and married 28. We have two children. And I was with him since I was 17.

 

In July 2016, I found he had an emotional/physical affair that occured over a 6 month period. He has been remorseful but I'm struggling even with a partial separation.

 

My question is, for anyone who has been through this. When did you know that infidelity was a deal breaker?

[DKT3]

For those who haven't been following my story. I've been together with my husband 31 years and married 28. We have two children. And I was with him since I was 17.

 

In July 2016, I found he had an emotional/physical affair that occured over a 6 month period. He has been remorseful but I'm struggling even with a partial separation.

 

My question is, for anyone who has been through this. When did you know that infidelity was a deal breaker?

 

It takes time. You are still pretty new to the process.

 

I'm not sure that the actual infidelity is a deal breaker for most, even if they say it is. It's all the stuff that goes with it.

 

My divorce came because she wasn't honest with me after the affair. Once she was served with divorce papers she got real honest real fast...But for me that time had passed I was no longer interested in what she had to say.

 

Give yourself some time, once the emotional fallout cools the decision you need to make becomes clearer.

[aileD]

I'm in R and working on fogiveness

[Mrs. John Adams]

Perhaps we should reword your question for those of us reconciling.... when did you know infidelity was NOT a deal breaker?

 

I knew the minute he told me that it was not a deal breaker.

[ShatteredLady]

I've spent most of my life with my husband. We've just had our 20th wedding anniversary. We have 2 YOUNG children. I've been a stay at home mother for a decade. My health makes it impossible for me to have a 'real' career ever in the future. I love my husband. He is being kind & supportive (Has given up his career & our dream house to return home to England on my insistence.) BUT although he is sort of remorseful he will not discuss the infidelity without becoming cold & dismissive.

 

 

I've listed ALL of those details because they do make a huge difference when it comes to deciding divorce or reconciling. I'm a complete & utter mess. This has shattered my spirit, my selfesteem, EVERYTHING! I've been through too many huge life altering experiences (leaving my life, cancer etc) to decide anything at the moment. I have all the time I want!! Remember that!

 

Who are you? Are you a romantic? Are you terrified of being alone? Do you have a support system? A career? Can you cope financially? Can you ever live with this?

 

Who is he? How did he treat you? How IS he treating you? Did he say & do things which will haunt you forever? Is he the kind of man who will analyze his choices?

 

Something I realize is, this has happened to us. Nothing is going to erase it, even divorce. This has forever changed me & our relationship. Ok, I admit that I REALLY want to hurt him as he hurt me but that's not going to help.

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. No-one can even start to imagine how agonizing & destructive it is until it happens to them. I don't want to become cold & cynical (I'd hate myself!) but it's bloody hard not to be. You don't have to decide anything right now. Take your time. Whatever you choose everything has changed. I don't believe that my husband will ever recognize that! He says that I'm cracked, broken inside & he's correct BUT he's not saying anything to help me heal.

 

Everyone's situation is different. Do what's right for you & the rest of your life. That's so daunting isn't it?

[Married1988]

 

Who are you? Are you a romantic? Are you terrified of being alone? Do you have a support system? A career? Can you cope financially? Can you ever live with this?

 

Who is he? How did he treat you? How IS he treating you? Did he say & do things which will haunt you forever? Is he the kind of man who will analyze his choices?

 

 

 

That is just the thing. Before July 3rd 2016 thought I had the perfect marriage. When in reality it wasn't otherwise he wouldn't have had an affair with a 29 year old watiress, whom according to him means nothing. I just can't wrap my mind around how he would throw away his honor over nothing. He claims it was an ego boost, made him feel good. That really stings. Like my compliments, me being a good wife, mother to our kids wasn't enough for him. So he had to seek out another woman. For what? An ego boost.

 

He treats me well enough. He hasn't really said anything that will haunt me, but his actions and how his actions make me feel, will. I know he regrets his decision one hundred percent and would take it back if he could.

 

I could live on my own. We have quite of few assets. We would both take a financial hit, him more so. I'd likely have to move out of my maritial home, or if I were to keep it, I'd have to give up something in return. It sucks but I'm wondering what is worse. Staying in marriage that has a gaping hole in it or starting over with a lot less than I have now.

[aileD]

You know the affair wasn't about you not being enough right?

 

Men in the happiest of marriages still have affairs

 

It's something in them and not in you. Why do they need that attention? What's wrong with them that they can't resist it?

 

These are questions for your husband and honestly if he's not willing to get help for himedlef to help him understand why He chose to risk a happy marriage for a no one (to him)....then that would be a deal breaker for me

 

Infidelity did not break my marriage because we both are willing to do the work to understand why it came about. My marriage wasn't great so even though he was 100% wrong for the affair, I concede that I need to work on things too.

 

But he has to work on more. Way more. Because if he can't understand within himself why he chose to destroy me for his own needs for attention, then he's just going to do it again.

 

Infidelity is it the deal breaker. The deal breaker for me would be refusing to learn and grow and understand it.

[Married1988]

You know the affair wasn't about you not being enough right?

 

 

I know the affair isn't my fault. It's more me trying to understand what was so ****ty about his life that he'd blow it up by ****ing another woman.

 

You know the affair wasn't about you not being enough right?

 

Infidelity is it the deal breaker. The deal breaker for me would be refusing to learn and grow and understand it.

 

I think what will be the real dealbreaker for me is that I don't feel the same way for him. I always valued and felt proud to show off my husband of someone of honor. Our marriage felt special. Now it isn't and will never be again. Another woman would have always been a part of our marriage. Now that my marriage is blown up, I'm wondering if it was that great to begin with and wondering if maybe this was his way of saying that our marriage has ran its course.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Married1988

[Zenstudent]

To your original question, I think it was around the 2 -year mark when I realized it's a dealbreaker.

 

We are still together, but haven't reconciled, if that makes any sense. She hasn't done the work to secure our relationship although I believe she doesn't exactly plan another affair.

 

5 more years before I expect us to be empty nesters.

[Mr. Lucky]

Staying in marriage that has a gaping hole in it or starting over with a lot less than I have now.

 

You understand that's not apples-to-apples, right?

 

I swore my attempts to heal my marriage would be solely based on my WS's efforts, no financial considerations involved. So the dealbreaker for me was when she failed the sweat equity test, we just didn't have an equal stake in going forward.

 

In your case, one thing you'd have less of is a cheating spouse ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alamo657]

For those who haven't been following my story. I've been together with my husband 31 years and married 28. We have two children. And I was with him since I was 17.

 

In July 2016, I found he had an emotional/physical affair that occured over a 6 month period. He has been remorseful but I'm struggling even with a partial separation.

 

My question is, for anyone who has been through this. When did you know that infidelity was a deal breaker?

After 1 year of being treated like a pathetic human being that you stay with out of guilt. Never again. People with sex friends are deal breaker for me since then, because they show that the body is here for pleasure, not for love

[RecentChange]

It wasn't a deal breaker for me.

 

I understood how and why it happened. Not that I am accepting blame for it, but with some time and counseling I absolutely understood.

 

And he was willing to put in the work, as was l.

 

I didn't have the complication of this honor business - but it was a shock, he was the last man in the world that I would ever suspect to do such a thing - but like I said, I understood, and with his true remorse, it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

Can you two enroll in some counseling? We actually did separate counseling initially which I found very helpful for sorting through and dealing with all of the emotions that surface when something like this happens.

[Married1988]

You understand that's not apples-to-apples, right?

 

I swore my attempts to heal my marriage would be solely based on my WS's efforts, no financial considerations involved. So the dealbreaker for me was when she failed the sweat equity test, we just didn't have an equal stake in going forward.

 

In your case, one thing you'd have less of is a cheating spouse ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

But it is a reality. I want to stay with my husband because of our history and because I do love him. I care about him, and his feelings. But at the end of the day what about how I feel. Can I get past this and get to place where I accept this is my life. He is doing everything he needs to do, but at the end of the day. Can I get over it? Can I accept the damage has been done?

 

But then there is the financial aspect of it. It won't be a deciding factor but still something floating in my head. I stand to lose a lot in a divorce, and my husband more so. He can retire in 8 years, but if we divorced, he wouldn't be able too. I don't want him to suffer and I don't want to suffer either.

 

I feel like its a lose lose situation.

[RecentChange]

I just noticed your D Day was 6 months ago - has progress been made?

 

Have either of you sought counseling?

 

It sounds like a major issue for you is the loss of the marriage which you had - and had put on a pedestal.

 

For my husband and I - neither of us were virgins when we got together. And while I love and admire him, I never put him up on an "honored" pedestal.

 

It seems like your loss is less about the betryal, but the loss of this "perfect" thing you had.

 

Think a counselor could really help you sort through that grief and help you cope. If your husband is truly remorseful and willing to put in the work, I think that there is hope.

 

Here is the thing - the marriage you believed you had is gone either way. You can go on with nothing, or you can build a stronger marriage. Yes it won't be one based on virgity and purity, but you could build one based in deep understanding and empathy if you both desire that.

[ShatteredLady]

The biggest possible 'deal breaker' for me is the fact that he had an affair with her 12 years ago. Deep inside I do KNOW (100%) that he wasn't dreaming of her for all of those years BUT in the wee small hours of the morning, after a night of crying to myself, the most awful thoughts come to mind.

 

If we do divorce over this I will be divorcing because of my mind. I know that all of this is just one straw among so many that I've been dealing with but it's the straw that intensifies ALL of the other feelings of loss.

 

A dear friend of mine recently wrote "Will the REAL (my H's name) please step forward?". That's it!! Who is he? I'm left with the feeling that I don't know the man who has lay next to me for 26 years. I can say so many of the things that the OP says. After a lifetime shared I think most can. My husband does NOT do these things. He doesn't say these things. He used to be so terribly judgemental of men who behaved in this way.

[heartwhole]

But it is a reality. I want to stay with my husband because of our history and because I do love him. I care about him, and his feelings. But at the end of the day what about how I feel. Can I get past this and get to place where I accept this is my life. He is doing everything he needs to do, but at the end of the day. Can I get over it? Can I accept the damage has been done?

 

But then there is the financial aspect of it. It won't be a deciding factor but still something floating in my head. I stand to lose a lot in a divorce, and my husband more so. He can retire in 8 years, but if we divorced, he wouldn't be able too. I don't want him to suffer and I don't want to suffer either.

 

I feel like its a lose lose situation.

 

I don't think it has to be a lose/lose situation. If you choose to, you can view this as an opportunity to grow in your love for one another. You can learn how to forgive and move on to greater compassion and love and understanding than you've been capable of before.

 

If you didn't have a remorseful husband I wouldn't say that, but you do, so I don't believe it has to be lose/lose.

 

Or, this can be an opportunity for you to start over, if that's what you really want. But either way I challenge you to think of it as a win/win proposition . . . either you move forward with your husband and you dig deep to become more compassionate and loving, or you move forward into a new single life where you get to write all the rules and do whatever you want.

 

Try your best to make your decisions from a place of hope and not a place of fear.

[DKT3]

That is just the thing. Before July 3rd 2016 thought I had the perfect marriage. When in reality it wasn't otherwise he wouldn't have had an affair with a 29 year old watiress, whom according to him means nothing. I just can't wrap my mind around how he would throw away his honor over nothing. He claims it was an ego boost, made him feel good. That really stings. Like my compliments, me being a good wife, mother to our kids wasn't enough for him. So he had to seek out another woman. For what? An ego boost.

 

He treats me well enough. He hasn't really said anything that will haunt me, but his actions and how his actions make me feel, will. I know he regrets his decision one hundred percent and would take it back if he could.

 

I could live on my own. We have quite of few assets. We would both take a financial hit, him more so. I'd likely have to move out of my maritial home, or if I were to keep it, I'd have to give up something in return. It sucks but I'm wondering what is worse. Staying in marriage that has a gaping hole in it or starting over with a lot less than I have now.

Despite what most cheater will say here, the most likely thing is it's the cheater that cheated because they have a void within. It's not the marriage or the spouse that caused them to cheat. In the course of a long relationship we all get lonely, bored, unhappy, angry and lazy. We all are taken for granted and take others for granted, yet we don't all cheat. So it's the individual not the marriage.

 

Honestly, I'm guessing he didn't think he was risking anything...We have a poster here now in the midst of her affair who thinks she is the smartest person in any room she is in, thinks that she is too smart to get caught....I'm assuming that most feel this way including your husband. Or they miscalculate thier ability to carry on an affair and the guilt eats at them. Either way, they rarely enter an affair as a fu to the spouse, which I sense is how you're taking it.

[RecentChange]

Despite what most cheater will say here, the most likely thing is it's the cheater that cheated because they have a void within. It's not the marriage or the spouse that caused them to cheat.

 

THIS. As a betryaed and a cheat - this is very true. And recongtion of this, admitting this, proving this is what has allowed us to move forward.

 

We didn't play blame games, I knew I was being a dirt bag and it had nothing to do with him, but my own self gratification. Like your husband I had some hot young thing chase me and I choose to give into temptation. The attention was intoxicating. Was it because my husband wasn't enough? Not at all. It's because I had allowed myself to get into a slump and the cake eating was a huge pull.

 

It sounds like your husband is admitting to much of the same. It wasn't about you, it was about him, and he sounds like he understands that.

[wmacbride]

it's stull early post A days for you,and it can feel lik eyou are stuckin a whirlwind.

 

One question to ask yourself is whether or not you can see yourself living a married life with him where his A isn't always looming large. If you can't, then then I would suggest you do some hard soul searching. It's no good for either of you to stay in a relationship where it hurts you every day,or where you feel like you can't forgive him eventually and are always angry.

 

I'm not saying you ahve to reach that point right away, but if there is no spark of love and forgiveness,then what's the point?Why be miserable?

[aileD]

But it is a reality. I want to stay with my husband because of our history and because I do love him. I care about him, and his feelings. But at the end of the day what about how I feel. Can I get past this and get to place where I accept this is my life. He is doing everything he needs to do, but at the end of the day. Can I get over it? Can I accept the damage has been done?

 

But then there is the financial aspect of it. It won't be a deciding factor but still something floating in my head. I stand to lose a lot in a divorce, and my husband more so. He can retire in 8 years, but if we divorced, he wouldn't be able too. I don't want him to suffer and I don't want to suffer either.

 

I feel like its a lose lose situation.

 

I think I know a little of how you feel. The first time my husband had an affair, it was a shock to me. Like you, I was proud of the husband he was. One of the things that attracted me to him and that I loved about him was his honor and his honesty and his integrity. I never in a million years would have thought he would betray our marriage vows or any vow or law or even cheat in a game of cards, let alone on his family.

 

It was like I didn't even know him, and the things I most loved about him didn't even exist and were possibly just a huge lie. We reconciled and I wasn't honest with myself about all this. I don't think I even realized it at the time. We didn't have the tools to deal with everything and we just kind of faked our way thru reconciliation. We pretended we were ok wothout doing the work. And when things started to calm down and the fear of him leaving was over....I started to get really angry with him (not knowing why). He disgusted me. Everything he did was annoying. Every nice thing he said I felt was fake. I didn't want to bE without him but I didn't want to be near him. We didn't do the work.

 

I got a job working the night shift and we just drifted further apart until he had another affair.

 

This time it was different. I already knew his character and that he had it in him to do that. But , this time. I can see how I contributed to the decline of the marriage. This time, we have tools. There is a wealth of knowledge out there. This time, the kids are older and we can focus on recovery more. This time we are older and wiser and more willing to face some things that happened to each of us separately in our pasts. This time we are both wanting to heal and be honest.

 

You are stuck (rightfully so) on the marriage you had. Not the marriage you can have now. If you want to stay married, you need to grieve the marriage you had. You don't have that anymore. It will not ever be the same. It is sad, yes. But...you can build anew. It's possible. Your husband is not perfect. We are all flawed. If he is willing to do the work on himself, and You are willing to do the work on yourself and both of you together....then you can have a new marriage,- new relationship.

 

But to do that you have to let the old one go.

 

I'm not saying R is right or wrong for you, but this is just food for thought.

Edited December 20, 2016 by aileD

[gettingstronger]

Despite what most cheater will say here, the most likely thing is it's the cheater that cheated because they have a void within. It's not the marriage or the spouse that caused them to cheat. In the course of a long relationship we all get lonely, bored, unhappy, angry and lazy. We all are taken for granted and take others for granted, yet we don't all cheat. So it's the individual not the marriage.

 

Honestly, I'm guessing he didn't think he was risking anything...We have a poster here now in the midst of her affair who thinks she is the smartest person in any room she is in, thinks that she is too smart to get caught....I'm assuming that most feel this way including your husband. Or they miscalculate thier ability to carry on an affair and the guilt eats at them. Either way, they rarely enter an affair as a fu to the spouse, which I sense is how you're taking it.

 

 

 

Yep- just like all that embezzle don't need the money-they are greedy, just like those that cheat-

Its not the bank account balance thats the issue- its greed

Its not the marriage that the issue-its greed

[gettingstronger]

Oh and when you will know-hard to say

Almost 4 years past dday and still not 100% sure he is the one I will spend my life with- I am open and honest about it, reconciliation is a ton of work-we are day to day happy-but forever in this-who knows-I am done giving myself a deadline, he hasn't asked for one-its the way it is-

[Deeplyhurt30]

I too have spent half of my life with my spouse (since I was 15 and he was 14) I think that is a major factor when deciding to stay with someone or walk away--do you love them for all the things they have done right? or hate them for the one thing they have done wrong? every situation is different and there are no set rules to follow (a what works for one will fix all).

 

i agree with others on here about placing your marriage on a pedestal. I think one thing I always took pride in was the "fact" that I thought our marriage was in a way "bulletproof". We would always look at other people's situations and think "we will never be that way" or "that will never happen to us". But it did. And for some reason i thought after forgiveness of my affair, that we would never have to go through one again--almost 9 years later he did have one.

 

With all of this being said, I think if you are willing to do what it takes -do it. My husband admitting to me of his affair helped alot with my decision to reconcile. some days are harder than others thats for sure. i am trying not to let infidelity be a deal breaker because I think all of our years together and two children mean something. Also the fact that he gave me the gift of a second chance all those years ago. And even though its not easy I want to atleast try to give him the same. So maybe ask yourself like others are saying.....what makes it NOT a dealbreaker?

[understand50]

Married1988,

 

There have been two big crisis in our relationship, her cheating before we were married, and then her massive overspending much. Each could have been the "deal breaker" and should have. In each case, I decided, and she agreed that we needed to go ahead with our relationship and then marriage. We decided that the "deal breaker" could be accepted and and lived with. What followed was much hard work to rebuild the marriage.

 

In your case, I get the feeling you want to reconcile, but are feeling that what he did is so beyond the pale for you, that you wonder if you will ever feel anything like you once did. Add your life threatening health issues, and I can see why you are conflicted. You are at a stage in your life where you are looking where you arr at, seeing your time being limited, and wanting better going forward.

 

I guess the question is for you: "Is having him in my life, wroth the pain and hurt he cause, and do I see something better coming out of all this?" I can say for myself, that our marriage is better after all the hurt and pain, but it does take hard work to get there. So another question for you: "Can we both put in the hard work to make it better?" I would also add "Do I have the strength to pour into the marriage as well?" OK, these are personal questions, and hopefully will help, but in the end it is all what you want to happen. Your husband seems to be giving you time and space, and that is a good thing.

 

Others here, have turned around your question, to "Can this not be a deal breaker?" Looking at the question from both sides can be helpful. Also, I found for myself, that I could be angry 24/7 with my wife. Was not fair to both of us. Does not mean that deep down I am not still angry with her for what she has done, I just do not allow my anger to define my time with her. This is my trick to getting over the "Forgiving, but never forgetting" issue all betrayed spouse have. Learning to set aside, but not forget, all the bad will put yourself on a better path, even if you end up divorcing.

 

Hope things are going better with you, and I wish you luck.......

[Mz. Pixie]

Despite what most cheater will say here, the most likely thing is it's the cheater that cheated because they have a void within. It's not the marriage or the spouse that caused them to cheat. In the course of a long relationship we all get lonely, bored, unhappy, angry and lazy. We all are taken for granted and take others for granted, yet we don't all cheat. So it's the individual not the marriage.

 

 

Totally agree with this as a former wayward spouse.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this- I truly am.

 

A few comments:

 

Are you 100 percent positive it was only an EA? The reason I ask is simple- most people who have cheated only admit to an EA originally- then they either don't ever tell the truth- or they trickle truth to you. You get bits and pieces......

 

Have you exposed the affair to the OW's spouse if any?

 

I know someone already asked if you were in counseling.....

 

For me personally, I think it would be easier to handle if I found out a person I was with for a very long time had a physical affair years before and my life wasn't altered by that at the time. Emotional affair? To me that's worse because they shared emotional details with each other that he should have been sharing with you.

 

I wish you light and healing during this holiday season.