When did you know that infidelity was a dealbreaker?

[Married1988]

It's hard to do that as a wife when you see their flaws everyday and have lived with them for 20+ years. How am I supposed to live up to that?

 

That was what had gone through my mind so many times. But I had come to the conclusion was, I stood by him through thick and thin. I've seen his good, bad, and downright ugly, and he has seen the same for me. You'd think they would appreciate that because their affair partners only has seen their "best".

[RecentChange]

I was one to believe this. But this does make a lot of sense to me and thanks for sharing. He keeps saying the sex wasn't that good, more the desire and the attention was what kept him going. He said that he enjoyed being around me and it showed, because not once did I suspect a thing. He was never cold or treating me back in those six months and if I never opened his email, I bet it would still be going on to this day.

 

I am glad its of some help. From what you have said about your husband here, and see parallels between myself and him.

 

It was hard to convince my husband that it wasn’t better – maybe he believes me now, most of the time I think he does, but recovery from this sort of thing isn’t linear.

 

Like your husband, I didn’t withdraw from my spouse during my affair, if anything I started showing him more attention. Because I was getting all of this “extra” and I knew it was making me feel like the king of the world, and as CRAZY as it sounds, I still loved him, and wanted that same sort of spark with him. But, you can’t achieve that in a web of lies – this I learned.

 

While I am pretty adamant that mine was a “sex only” affair (at one point the ONLY time we communicated was the day we would get physical, about once a month), so I can’t say I was emotionally dependent on the OM, but we (OM and I) both openly admitted that we didn’t love (or heck, even care) for each other, but we loved the way that we made each other feel about ourselves. He made me feel sexy and vibrant in a way I had forgotten about. And that is in no way my husband’s fault, that’s on me, and on time, and compliancy, and a lack of effort, so on and so forth.

 

The OM called me a “seductress” – that was not a light I saw myself in for years. Was that my husband’s fault? NO! Because I had not been feeling like one, and wasn’t being one for him.

 

I am sure this woman made your husband feel like quite a stud – was that your fault for not making him feel studly? Nope, its his own for losing sight of that part of himself, and not bringing it to your marriage.

 

So, what have we done? I try my best to make my husband feel like the stud I know him to be. And I am a seductress for him, if I want to feel like one, I better act like one in my marriage. The key is he is willing to play, and so am I. We want it to work, so we communicate – and at this point we had nothing to lose, so we don’t hold back.

 

 

I don't understand it either. And yeah it hurts. Because I could handle just a sex affair so much more than what it was. My h said he couldn't even get it up half the time because of the guilt. He must have really just liked the adoration and her making him feel like the perfect man and a god. It's hard to do that as a wife when you see their flaws everyday and have lived with them for 20+ years. How am I supposed to live up to that?

 

You aren’t supposed to live up to it – that’s not your burden. If he wants to be adorned – perhaps he should do things to earn your adoration.

[BluesPower]

Guys...

 

I get all the feelings that everyone has. But think on this.

 

I want to be appreciated as a man, a husband, a father and a general good guy. I want my wife to want me because she loves me. Honest to God, I was like the perfect husband is everyway, and she still dumped on me.

 

Got to a point where I was, "OK, if that is what you want this is what you get". I don't say it is right I am just saying that it is.

 

And, any man with a set of balls is not going to be disrespected and unloved by a woman that he is busting his left nut to take care of and support. For me, when she became uninterested in sex, I was done. If she would have been sober I would have divorced her right then.

 

I realize that all this sounds so harsh, sorry.

[elaine567]

No-one in their right mind or who wanted a chance to reconcile, would tell their BS that the sex with their AP was mind-blowing, would they?

[RecentChange]

No-one in their right mind or who wanted a chance to reconcile, would tell their BS that the sex with their AP was mind-blowing, would they?

 

Heh, true - but man, how do you prove it either way?

 

I have posts on here from before D Day where I gave the sex an "eh" grade. It was all about the highs of the whole thing - like I said above, the way he made me feel about myself.

 

I can't prove the sex was good, bad or the best.... But I will say, I bet often a long term partner knows where all of your buttons are better than a new fling.

[ShatteredLady]

A WH who used to post here once told me that his therapist said that it's a 'good sign' when the cheat becomes cold & generally awful to their partner during an affair. Apparently it shows that they're snapping under the weight of the guilt. Morally & emotionally they know that their behavior is abhorant so the only way they can cope is by demeaning the BS in their mind to justify their own terrible behavior.

 

Of course I liked hearing that!!

 

After I discovered the 'truth' I could guess the week that my H started contact with the OW again after 12 years. He changed so drastically. I made excuses in my head at the time. He was depressed, under tremendous stress. Then I started to blame myself. Then I started to hate myself.

 

My life truly became a living nightmare for me. In a way, discovering the truth was a relief because suddenly I could understand what had really been happening in my life. I like to believe that I would of known what was going on (He was the same way the first time it happened) if I hadn't been so messed-up by my health & depression at the time.

 

Isn't it more frightening to know that your partner can commit adultery AND come home with a big smile on their face as if nothing's going on? How can someone NOT be psychologically imploding under the pressure? How can they continue to act lovingly & content, look you in the eye without faltering, knowing that they are betraying you in such a way?

 

Of course I also ask 'How can the WS profess to loving the BS after looking her in the eye & saying the most brutal, cutting things AND seeing the devastation?'

 

I don't know!

[ShatteredLady]

Heh, true - but man, how do you prove it either way?

 

I have posts on here from before D Day where I gave the sex an "eh" grade. It was all about the highs of the whole thing - like I said above, the way he made me feel about myself.

 

I can't prove the sex was good, bad or the best.... But I will say, I bet often a long term partner knows where all of your buttons are better than a new fling.

 

 

That's why it does my head-in when members post that the WS is never telling the truth!! You know? The whole, "If he says they kissed, they had sex. If they say once, it was 50 times. If the sex was awful, it was fantastic!" etc ugh!!

[dichotomy]

Its been 11 years..... I will let you know.

 

I have had other newer possible dealbreakers requiring my attention.

 

Marriage is tough.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's why it does my head-in when members post that the WS is never telling the truth!! You know? The whole, "If he says they kissed, they had sex. If they say once, it was 50 times. If the sex was awful, it was fantastic!" etc ugh!!

 

A lot of people here like to speculate and post opinions that may be true for some and not true for others.

 

I told my husband everything. I gave him every detail of the AP's body and body parts to every single thing we did. I have absolutely not one single detail to add...I gave it all to him....much to my regret. I gave way too much information and way too many details.

 

Do some waywards do what i did and tell it all? Of course they do....I cannot believe that i would be the only one to do this...but i also confessed...on my own....

 

Are there waywards who lie and withhold information? of course.

 

The problem we have on loveshack is...some try to lump everyone into the same categories....some try to apply what may have happened in one case to another....and you just cannot do that...because each couple is not like another couple...each infidelity is not exactly like another infidelity.

 

Did your husband tell you everything like I did to my husband? None of us will ever know.

 

Did he give you enough information to believe him and to decide whether or not you can reconcile with him? That choice is completely yours...and there comes a time when you make a decision and stop asking everybody else what they think...because quite frankly...they don't have a clue either.

[Married1988]

 

Isn't it more frightening to know that your partner can commit adultery AND come home with a big smile on their face as if nothing's going on? How can someone NOT be psychologically imploding under the pressure? How can they continue to act lovingly & content, look you in the eye without faltering, knowing that they are betraying you in such a way?

 

 

 

That is a new way to look at it. But if my husband was feeling pressure I probably missed the signs. He works a very high stress job and over the years has found ways to deal with the pressure and stress, so I probably just brushed off any signs of beign stressed out from work.

[Married1988]

Thanks everyone for their responses. It's obvious I still need more time before I know how I truly feel. I had been thinking all day along but I have decided to ask my husband to move home. I know he has time left on a lease, but the separation is not helping with me making up my mind.

[Mr. Lucky]

Hope your choice brings you closure, either way it works out. Sometimes just the act of making a decision can make us feel better...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Noirek]

Thanks everyone for their responses. It's obvious I still need more time before I know how I truly feel. I had been thinking all day along but I have decided to ask my husband to move home. I know he has time left on a lease, but the separation is not helping with me making up my mind.

 

Many infidelity experts do not believ the R process can behin until the couple are under the same roof. For a lot of reasons. I think every couple is different but this might be what you need to know what you want. Giving it a shot whether you decide infidelity is a deal breaker should have you move forward and "know".

[Just a Guy]

Hi Married, sorry to see you on the horns of a dilemma. I think that this is something you cannot debate about with yourself or with others. You cannot come to a logical conclusion by discussing something like this. It is an intuitive decision. It is something that your gut will tell you based on how your subconscious mind processes all the factors involved including subtle behaviour cues on the part of your husband which is not observable to your conscious mind. Your subconscious will also take into consideration your own fundamental boundaries on infidelity. If, at a subconscious level, your boundaries have been breached, your subconscious mind will know and react accordingly. In other words, deep in your heart you will know that your husband's infidelity has been a deal breaker or not.

 

It is good that you are asking your husband to return home. Both Mr. Lucky and Noirek are spot on. You should have your answer soon and it will be you yourself who will provide it. Have a Happy New Year!

[Married1988]

 

It is good that you are asking your husband to return home. Both Mr. Lucky and Noirek are spot on. You should have your answer soon and it will be you yourself who will provide it. Have a Happy New Year!

 

 

Thanks. While separating from him was what I needed to process what had happened. I have found since he moved back in Christmas Eve, that I feel a lot more free. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep next to my husband without waking midnight and having to move to the couch because I was overwhelmed.

I'm feeling so sad. Sadder than I thought I would. I look at him and he looks like the same man on the outside and then his affair creeps out. There is this elephant in the mood. But I'm processing it all.

On the other hand, their are moments where I am happy is home. He is very attentive toward me and we laugh and enjoy each other company for the most part.

[LifesontheUp]

Its early days of him being back - this is one hell of a rollercoaster. Give it time and you will know. Hugs