When did you know that infidelity was a dealbreaker?

[Married1988]

Totally agree with this as a former wayward spouse.

 

A few comments:

 

Are you 100 percent positive it was only an EA? The reason I ask is simple- most people who have cheated only admit to an EA originally- then they either don't ever tell the truth- or they trickle truth to you. You get bits and pieces......

 

Have you exposed the affair to the OW's spouse if any?

 

I know someone already asked if you were in counseling.....

 

 

I'm not sure if you are talking to me or another poster. But It was an Emotional Affair and Physical affair, that only stopped because I busted him. He only slept with her five times in a one month period, the rest was texting and taking her out to expensive restaurants. All that I dug up and a polygraph test confirmed this.

 

The other woman didn't have a spouse that I know of. I haven't started counseling yet. After finding out my cancer returned, I haven't been up to it. After I'm done with radiation, and my health is in the clear I'll begin some kind of counseling for my own well being.

[elaine567]

The Infidelity Megafecta

"So if sex isn’t what affairs are all about, what else is there?"

An interesting read.

[Married1988]

I too have spent half of my life with my spouse (since I was 15 and he was 14) I think that is a major factor when deciding to stay with someone or walk away--do you love them for all the things they have done right? or hate them for the one thing they have done wrong? every situation is different and there are no set rules to follow (a what works for one will fix all).

 

i agree with others on here about placing your marriage on a pedestal. I think one thing I always took pride in was the "fact" that I thought our marriage was in a way "bulletproof". We would always look at other people's situations and think "we will never be that way" or "that will never happen to us". But it did. And for some reason i thought after forgiveness of my affair, that we would never have to go through one again--almost 9 years later he did have one.

 

what makes it NOT a dealbreaker?

 

I do believe the number of years we had been together being a huge factor in why I'm still here. 31 years and 2 children is a lot of history. We had a great marriage. Or at least I did. I guess I can't help but put my marriage on a pedestal. I was a virgin when I met and I was proud of that. I thought I saved myself for my soulmate. I'm in no way putting down anyone who wasn't a virgin or didn't wait until they found that someone. But I just felt a bit special for that. I definitely took pride in thinking are marriage was bulletproof. I thought we could conquer anything.

 

To answer the question that is in bold. I love my husband for the things he has done; good provider, good father, and good husband up until six months ago. He was a great man. I don't think he is a terrible man but he is not the man I married. The man I knew or thought I knew wouldn't have cheated and was a man of honor. This is someone differnet. As for hating him for what he has done wrong. I don't hate him and never hated him. But I'm heartbroken and the respect is gone.

 

what makes it NOT a dealbreaker? I don't know. I have accepted that life will go on if we stay together or not. I really hate being on the fence.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Married1988

[Married1988]

The Infidelity Megafecta

"So if sex isn’t what affairs are all about, what else is there?"

An interesting read.

 

That is an interesting read. My husband never blamed me for the affair. Logically I don't think he thought I was a bad wife as much as this was a moment of opportunity and he liked the attention. He was in a fantasy land and once he was discovered, that bubble popped. But in my head and heart, I feel like **** and my self esteem has taken a toll.

[elaine567]

He was in a fantasy land and once he was discovered, that bubble popped.

 

Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things.

 

But was he really in "fantasy land" or was he just enjoying the attentions of a 29 yo waitress?

Sorry, but I don't really see much fantasy there, this was no imagining impossible or improbable things. Fantasy would be idolising a celebrity, having a crush on a teacher when you are 10, wanting to marry a princess...

This was wining and dining a young woman and having sex with her. That is reality not fantasy, surely?

I guess he loved it too, so he was no victim. Not a lost soul, deluded and away with the fairies, but a man deliberately out looking for extra and he found it.

This wasn't a drunken one night stand and he got "carried away" for an hour or so, then he staggered home and couldn't remember much.

This was calculated and sober action that was no fantasy. He knew exactly what he was doing and it is only called "fantasy" now that he got caught.

Too many cheaters IMO make a play on "fantasy" and the "bubble", as if they had no hand in it at all.

[Married1988]

Fantasy: the faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things.

 

But was he really in "fantasy land" or was he just enjoying the attentions of a 29 yo waitress?

Sorry, but I don't really see much fantasy there, this was no imagining impossible or improbable things. Fantasy would be idolising a celebrity, having a crush on a teacher when you are 10, wanting to marry a princess...

This was wining and dining a young woman and having sex with her. That is reality not fantasy, surely?

I guess he loved it too, so he was no victim. Not a lost soul, deluded and away with the fairies, but a man deliberately out looking for extra and he found it.

This wasn't a drunken one night stand and he got "carried away" for an hour or so, then he staggered home and couldn't remember much.

This was calculated and sober action that was no fantasy. He knew exactly what he was doing and it is only called "fantasy" now that he got caught.

Too many cheaters IMO make a play on "fantasy" and the "bubble", as if they had no hand in it at all.

 

That is not what I meant at all. I know he made the calculated decision to sleep with her. But by Fantasy, he got caught up in some kind of lust and he craved the attention, and even he said that he didn't think he would have gotten caught. When he did, he threw her under the bus and stopped his affair. Which I mean is the bubble.

 

The faculty or activity of imagining impossible or improbable things: I think in some ways he was imagining impossible things. He even admitted that the feeling he got when around him was superficial, and that when he looked back, he said she was annoying but he kept going back because she made him feel "young" and the ego boost was thrilling. So maybe it was more cake eating then fantasy.

[aliveagain]

I pulled the plug when I learned that regardless of divorce or reconciliation I loose. I left with my dignity, she, well, who cares.

[Noirek]

I read some of your story but couldn't seem to find if your husband had also been a virgin?

 

You see, I was the WS in our marriage and my husband was my only... everything. However, I was not his only. This fact did not bother me in the slightest. But I think it would have been much harder on him if I had been his only. When I hear stories of virgin partners and one cheating I fear that for those couples R would be yet a harder mountain to climb. I know it bothers me that I added someone else to my list post marriage. And that is never going to go away. That aspect doesn't bother my husband because he actually was bothered by his higher count.

 

I don't know if you will ever "know" but rather will make a descision and then learn to accept it. You can even try R for a few months or so. Or D and then remarry. There are no rules and there is no right or wrong between R or D. Your H broke your marriage. Since he didn't carry on the affair or D but rather left the choice of where to go up to you, you have a lot more power back than many BS. Grab a hold of that.

[JohnAdams]

My question is, for anyone who has been through this. When did you know that infidelity was a deal breaker?

 

Unfortunately you may not know the answer to this question instantly. It may take a long time for all of this to soak in. What you may have thought a deal breaker prior to infidelity may not be now. It is very confusing. After it all soaks in, it may be a deal breaker and it may not.

 

You never counted on your spouse cheating on you. You are in uncharted territory. Everyone reacts different.

 

After two years you may decide it is too much and a deal breaker. You may decide to stay and compromise. Unfortunately with infidelity there is not clear cut answer. You have to decide what is best for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

To answer the question that is in bold. I love my husband for the things he has done; good provider, good father, and good husband up until six months ago. He was a great man. I don't think he is a terrible man but he is not the man I married. The man I knew or thought I knew wouldn't have cheated and was a man of honor. This is someone differnet. As for hating him for what he has done wrong. I don't hate him and never hated him. But I'm heartbroken and the respect is gone.

 

what makes it NOT a dealbreaker? I don't know. I have accepted that life will go on if we stay together or not. I really hate being on the fence.

 

What gets lost in some situations like yours is, affair aside (and I know that's a big ask), you're in a LTR with all the baggage and challenges any long-married spouse faces.

 

You still have to wake up every day and make a decision to love your partner

 

You still have to deal with their fears and insecurities

 

You still have to overcome your own limitations as a spouse.

 

Any long-running marriage is work, reconciliation or not. Can't pin it all on infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Married1988]

I read some of your story but couldn't seem to find if your husband had also been a virgin?

 

More than less he was a virgin. He said an ex girlfriend right before me gave him a blow job. His parents were really conservative and back in the 80's sex before marriage was still taboo would have been so disappointed. Sidenote: we did just that though. Two months after we got engaged, we had sex and I found out I was pregnant with our oldest, so we got married shortly after.

 

What gets lost in some situations like yours is, affair aside (and I know that's a big ask), you're in a LTR with all the baggage and challenges any long-married spouse faces.

 

You still have to wake up every day and make a decision to love your partner

 

You still have to deal with their fears and insecurities

 

You still have to overcome your own limitations as a spouse.

 

Any long-running marriage is work, reconciliation or not. Can't pin it all on infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Our marriage had been through a lot. I had taken pride and taken a lot of steps into making our marriage work every day. We dealt with multiple miscarraiges, cancer diagonses, daughter's addiction. We dealt with him working long hours at work when they were younger. But we also made an effort to make our marriage work. After the kids gotten older, when our marriage had gotten put on the back burner for a number of years, we made the effort to keep things fresh. Frequent (once a week) dinner dates, a lot of family time. When my youngest when to university, and after I went through treatment the first time for Cancer, we started to take yearly vacations, and a lot of spontaneous road trips. We had a lot of fun. So putting in effort to wake up and love everyday was never an issue...

 

Until now. When I discovered the affair, I no longer do these things. We don't see each other everyday. We text and communicate often enough. He takes me to my appointments when I'm not feeling up to driving myself. A few days last week I was feeling somewhat my old self. There is a dark cloud following me. The uncertainty and the betrayal of what he has done is so hard to swallow. I just no longer have the desire to see him everyday. That part of me is dead inside. I don't know if I should force myself to see him, have him move back in or just accept it. I just don't know.

[LifesontheUp]

Doesn't appear to be a hard and fast rule on this one - depends on the people involved.

 

For me I was with xH for 18yrs and he was kicked out on dday after he told me he couldn't live with out his crutch/sole mate blah blah blah. Within 2 weeks he was begging to come home and had ended his affair.

 

After so much history together I decided that we could go on dates and see how we went as I didn't want him back home. Slowly during the next few months even though he was trying and showed remorse, I realised I didn't love him any longer and I proceeded to divorce after 6 months.

 

Looking back, while I didn't love him any longer, I also realise that I'm the type of person that just didn't want to be looking over my shoulder or worrying is he cheating on me again for years to come.

 

For me his affair helped me decide that it was time to get out and move on. Yes it was painful but I'm happy with the decision I made.

[BluesPower]

We have talked and you have been so kind to me.

 

I want to do that for you if I can. Infidelity is a deal breaker for some, but that is not the real issue, IMHO.

 

It is realizing that the person you love is not exactly the person that you thought he was. You know, none of us really are, not really.

 

I believe that given the right circumstances everyone is capable of cheating. I know that some will say that it is not true, yes, it is.

 

There are things that we all have inside that we never tell anyone, ever. Your husband was a fool, like most men. He had been married for 30 years, probably bored in some ways. So this hot young thing takes an interest... honestly most men cannot resist this, again I know some will say that they can, yeah right.

 

Here is the deal, if he is remorseful, if you love him, and most importantly, HE LOVES YOU, then this does not have to be a deal breaker.

 

You can get over it, and your marriage and most importantly your love can be greater than it was before. Yes, is some ways it will always be different but it can also be better. He will not take you for granted and if you really reconcile, you will not take him for granted either. And wouldn't you really want to love the real man, with all his faults, and still be able to love him. Most of us love the person that we think our spouse is, but wouldn't it be better to love the real person that you know is not perfect.

 

I know that you hurt, I have been there. And really this is relatively new because of everything you have gone through with your health. You don't really have to decide anything right now.

 

But if you really love one another, why not start therapy and MC together and get started rebuilding the marriage?

 

You know for me my wife's affairs were not the deal beaker. Her addiction was not the deal breaker. None of that ever was.

 

The real deal breaker is being in a relationship where you realize that for whatever reason the other person does not love you. That is the deal breaker.

 

You don't have that, because I believe your husband loves you and if you have that you have what you need...

[Mr. Lucky]

I believe that given the right circumstances everyone is capable of cheating. I know that some will say that it is not true, yes, it is.

 

There are things that we all have inside that we never tell anyone, ever. Your husband was a fool, like most men. He had been married for 30 years, probably bored in some ways. So this hot young thing takes an interest... honestly most men cannot resist this, again I know some will say that they can, yeah right.

 

Blues Power, that's a broad brush.

 

First off, from a moral standpoint I'm nothing special. I prevaricate the truth daily on a socially acceptable basis, I'm hypocritical about certain things and I'm sure I've taken a pencil or two from the company supply closet.

 

But I wouldn't cheat on my marriage, just don't have it in me. And I know this as surely as I know I'd never intentionally harm one of my children.

 

Doesn't give me some higher ground to judge those that do stray, just means "everyone" is an awfully big group...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

We were virgins and each others' only partners too. I understand how that adds another layer. In fact my husband is the only person I've ever kissed. He promised me that I didn't get his first kiss, but I would get his last kiss. I guess the kisses in between were still up for debate.

 

If I had ever thought I could be exposed to anyone else, I would have gotten the HPV vaccine. The fact that he didn't think of that, that he didn't really research STDs and just thought a condom would be enough, is another disappointment.

 

I had always planned to tell my kids that we didn't sleep around and waited until we were with our life partners. But how do I have this conversation now? I do understand.

 

And yet, as of now, it's not a deal-breaker. But I felt it immediately. There have only been a handful days in the last 20 months where I felt betrayed or wounded enough to consider separation. I never felt even close to needing it or asking for it.

 

I usually think that people who don't know things for sure really know deep down that the answer is no. When I hear of a couple in their 30s not sure if they want to get married to each other, I think, well, when you know, you know. So perhaps the not knowing is just not wanting to face that the answer is no. But then, I am a very decisive person and I have a very reliable gut instinct. So maybe I just can't relate.

[tinkerbell16]

I've spent most of my life with my husband. We've just had our 20th wedding anniversary. We have 2 YOUNG children. I've been a stay at home mother for a decade. My health makes it impossible for me to have a 'real' career ever in the future. I love my husband. He is being kind & supportive (Has given up his career & our dream house to return home to England on my insistence.) BUT although he is sort of remorseful he will not discuss the infidelity without becoming cold & dismissive.

 

 

I've listed ALL of those details because they do make a huge difference when it comes to deciding divorce or reconciling. I'm a complete & utter mess. This has shattered my spirit, my selfesteem, EVERYTHING! I've been through too many huge life altering experiences (leaving my life, cancer etc) to decide anything at the moment. I have all the time I want!! Remember that!

 

Who are you? Are you a romantic? Are you terrified of being alone? Do you have a support system? A career? Can you cope financially? Can you ever live with this?

 

Who is he? How did he treat you? How IS he treating you? Did he say & do things which will haunt you forever? Is he the kind of man who will analyze his choices?

 

Something I realize is, this has happened to us. Nothing is going to erase it, even divorce. This has forever changed me & our relationship. Ok, I admit that I REALLY want to hurt him as he hurt me but that's not going to help.

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. No-one can even start to imagine how agonizing & destructive it is until it happens to them. I don't want to become cold & cynical (I'd hate myself!) but it's bloody hard not to be. You don't have to decide anything right now. Take your time. Whatever you choose everything has changed. I don't believe that my husband will ever recognize that! He says that I'm cracked, broken inside & he's correct BUT he's not saying anything to help me heal.

 

Everyone's situation is different. Do what's right for you & the rest of your life. That's so daunting isn't it?

 

That's an awful thing for your husband to tell you... you are broken? Really? Sounds like he did the breaking.

[BluesPower]

I get you lucky...

 

And you are right it is a broad brush. I do however stand by it. The caveat is the circumstances.

 

I hope you or a lot of people never have circumstances that allow for it to even be a possibility. But I believe that it can happen.

 

You cannot believe how straight an arrow I was, even with my mild rock stardom, until I was not. I never thought I would cheat either, until I did.

 

Once that horse was out of the barn, well it just never wanted to come back.

[Zenstudent]

I actually agree that everyone is capable of cheating. I even believe it to be quite an easy task for most people.

 

But I disagree that the caveat is circumstances. The caveat is that not everyone will and not everyone do cheat. And many people are so convinced that they won't, but unfortunately they can't prove it until the time when they're dead.

 

So it's an easy claim to defend, that everyone are capable.

 

I've been really really close to cheating myself three times where attractive opportunities presented themselves - but I didn't, couldn't do that to my wife.

 

If its true what Bluespower says, about the horse that left the barn, OP should prepare herself for recurrences down the road, should she choose to invite her husband home.

 

And all the stuff about everything being better after infidelity - don't buy into that unless your marriage was really, really bad before infidelity. Many of us really loved the relationship we had, mine for certain hasn't been any better since d-day.

 

My advice to OP, give it some time and listen carefully to your gut.

[DKT3]

I actually agree that everyone is capable of cheating. I even believe it to be quite an easy task for most people.

 

But I disagree that the caveat is circumstances. The caveat is that not everyone will and not everyone do cheat. And many people are so convinced that they won't, but unfortunately they can't prove it until the time when they're dead.

 

So it's an easy claim to defend, that everyone are capable.

 

I've been really really close to cheating myself three times where attractive opportunities presented themselves - but I didn't, couldn't do that to my wife.

 

If its true what Bluespower says, about the horse that left the barn, OP should prepare herself for recurrences down the road, should she choose to invite her husband home.

 

And all the stuff about everything being better after infidelity - don't buy into that unless your marriage was really, really bad before infidelity. Many of us really loved the relationship we had, mine for certain hasn't been any better since d-day.

 

My advice to OP, give it some time and listen carefully to your gut.

 

I think there is a distinction between cheating and affairs. Everyone is capable of cheating, it's takes a different kind to maintain an affair for months years and even decades. Im pretty confident that most people aren't built for affairs and can't maintain them.

[Married1988]

 

After so much history together I decided that we could go on dates and see how we went as I didn't want him back home. Slowly during the next few months even though he was trying and showed remorse, I realised I didn't love him any longer and I proceeded to divorce after 6 months.

 

My husband and I are doing this. He has his own place but comes and visits me often. I think I'm allowing it because my health is poor. But I was curious about when you said you didn't love him any longer. Because I believe I do love my husband. But I'm not too sure I am in love with him. I care about him and worry about him constantly when we aren't together. But being together and even when we aren't physically together it hurts so badly. If you read this, would you mind expanding on what you mean here.

 

We have talked and you have been so kind to me.

 

Here is the deal, if he is remorseful, if you love him, and most importantly, HE LOVES YOU, then this does not have to be a deal breaker.

 

But if you really love one another, why not start therapy and MC together and get started rebuilding the marriage?

 

You don't have that, because I believe your husband loves you and if you have that you have what you need...

 

I do have respect for you BluesPower. From what you told me and what I read, you had to deal with a lot with your wife and I give you kudos for owning up to your own cheating. So I'm grateful and happy to hear your input.

 

I don't doubt he doesn't love me. But again it is really me who is holding back. I'm feeling so sad that my marriage as I knew it will never be the same. No matter what I choose going forward I'll have to learn to accept that my life will have this be apart of it. I'm slowly getting there, whether I stay married or not.

 

I have considered Marriage Counselling but right now I just don't have the emotional or physical strength to do this. I'm trying to get to a place where I can really put everything into it. Because right now I believe I would be wasting time if I did.

 

 

 

But I wouldn't cheat on my marriage, just don't have it in me. And I know this as surely as I know I'd never intentionally harm one of my children.

 

Doesn't give me some higher ground to judge those that do stray, just means "everyone" is an awfully big group...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this somewhat. If I wanted too I could cheat as well but I don't want too, and wouldn't. I had multiple opportunities where another man had shown me attention. One time in particular back before my first cancer diagnosis there was this doctor I worked with frequently when I was an LPN. He openly flirted with me and I rejected him. I told my husband about these encounters. It never got to a point where I felt the need to file a sexual harassment complaint, but point is, the opportunity was there.

 

I think there is a distinction between cheating and affairs. Everyone is capable of cheating, it takes a different kind to maintain an affair for months years and even decades. I'm pretty confident that most people aren't built for affairs and can't maintain them.

 

That is what I don't understand. My husband admitted he wouldn't have stopped if I didn't catch him. But he also told me that the sex wasn't that good, but he was glued to her because of the attention and it made him feel young. An ego boost. So essentially he used her, and she used him. It just makes me sick.

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband admitted he wouldn't have stopped if I didn't catch him. But he also told me that the sex wasn't that good, but he was glued to her because of the attention and it made him feel young. An ego boost.

 

If I had a dime for every time a BS here reported their WS said this, I'd be shielding my tax returns just like our president-elect. My ex-wife said exactly the same thing.

 

And yet they went back to their AP's for more, very few affairs are ONS. Must have been good on some level...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I get you lucky...

 

And you are right it is a broad brush. I do however stand by it. The caveat is the circumstances.

 

I hope you or a lot of people never have circumstances that allow for it to even be a possibility. But I believe that it can happen.

 

You cannot believe how straight an arrow I was, even with my mild rock stardom, until I was not. I never thought I would cheat either, until I did.

 

Once that horse was out of the barn, well it just never wanted to come back.

Most of us have thought about this a lot. I tend to agree with Mr. Lucky. I'm no saint but seriously I actually thought about this as a child and decided then that I'd divorce or do something about the marriage first before starting another intimate relationship. My mother used to talk to me about it, explaining how circumstances can throw people together if they don't anticipate and avoid or change the circumstances. Duh. Pre-adolescent and I got it.

 

Yet here's what I and the family stupidly allowed to happen with my husband and sister-in-law—not that I blame us just explaining the importance of circumstances. It took about a year before it became physical, but they were practically thrown together when they were most vulnerable.

• They were alone together often because -
  
  -- I left him living alone for most of the year for several years.
  
  
  -- She would come to stay there regularly to see my brother in a nursing home nearby.
  
  
  -- He would go to her house to work.
  
  
  -- My father removed the taboo on their spending days/nights alone together for (he thought) practical reasons and because he trusted them.

  
  

• They became very close because they were both needy and -

-- She'd had a tragedy (husband's stroke) and he'd had one (transplant).

-- They both tend to see themselves as victims, martyrs, etc.

-- My husband had always sought admiration and jumped in to rescue people/situations to get it; she needed to be rescued. They rescued each other.

-- They both needed to feel important to someone.

-- They united as secret traitors to my family of whom they were jealous.

 

Now, granted my husband did NOT have a clean track record already, and I read the emails in which he talked about himself, who he was, what he cared about and then flirted, teased and postured. But the point is the CIRCUMSTANCES could not have been planned better to encourage an affair. I doubt if she's ever had another one, but their histories are actually irrelevant. It was the circumstances that fostered need and opportunity.

Edited December 21, 2016 by merrmeade

[RecentChange]

If I had a dime for every time a BS here reported their WS said this, I'd be shielding my tax returns just like our president-elect. My ex-wife said exactly the same thing.

 

And yet they went back to their AP's for more, very few affairs are ONS. Must have been good on some level...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wasn't that good and God awful are two different things

 

Eh, my affair sex wasn't bad - wasn't as good as what I have with my husband.

 

Was it exciting? Yep. Was it different, especially after having the same "flavor" for a decade and a half, yep. Was it ego boosting, illicit, and tantalizing? You bet.

 

So yes, of course it was good on some levels, but it doesn't mean it was better. I think many BS' believe it must have been better for the WS to take such a stupid risk - but I don't believe that is often the case. And that faulse belief is yet another blow to the ego of the BS.

[Married1988]

Wasn't that good and God awful are two different things

 

Eh, my affair sex wasn't bad - wasn't as good as what I have with my husband.

 

Was it exciting? Yep. Was it different, especially after having the same "flavor" for a decade and a half, yep. Was it ego boosting, illicit, and tantalizing? You bet.

 

So yes, of course it was good on some levels, but it doesn't mean it was better. I think many BS' believe it must have been better for the WS to take such a stupid risk - but I don't believe that is often the case. And that faulse belief is yet another blow to the ego of the BS.

 

I was one to believe this. But this does make a lot of sense to me and thanks for sharing. He keeps saying the sex wasn't that good, more the desire and the attention was what kept him going. He said that he enjoyed being around me and it showed, because not once did I suspect a thing. He was never cold or treating me back in those six months and if I never opened his email, I bet it would still be going on to this day.

[aileD]

Wasn't that good and God awful are two different things

 

Eh, my affair sex wasn't bad - wasn't as good as what I have with my husband.

 

Was it exciting? Yep. Was it different, especially after having the same "flavor" for a decade and a half, yep. Was it ego boosting, illicit, and tantalizing? You bet.

 

So yes, of course it was good on some levels, but it doesn't mean it was better. I think many BS' believe it must have been better for the WS to take such a stupid risk - but I don't believe that is often the case. And that faulse belief is yet another blow to the ego of the BS.

 

I don't understand it either. And yeah it hurts. Because I could handle just a sex affair so much more than what it was. My h said he couldn't even get it up half the time because of the guilt. He must have really just liked the adoration and her making him feel like the perfect man and a god. It's hard to do that as a wife when you see their flaws everyday and have lived with them for 20+ years. How am I supposed to live up to that?