Not sure if my feelings about Christmas Day are fair

[Missymoop]

Hi

This is probably quite a minor issue, really, but it's upsetting me and I can't tell if I'm being selfish.

 

I've been with my partner for ten years - mostly good. I love this time of year and am a big kid with everything from October to new year and really enjoy doing festive things.

The past two years have been tough financially/employment wise and this year he's made the awesome move of doing a postgraduate course to enhance his career options. Whilst great, it does mean he's very very very busy (and we're very very poor haha)

All of his time is spent studying/at uni and all of my time is spent enabling him to do that via housekeeping and bringing some money in. We never do anything together anymore.

He's recently booked tickets to things and then had to cancel due to his workload, and at Halloween he was super cute and bought pumpkins for us to carve but never found the time to do it. And while I have a little cry about these things I DO understand and I appreciate that he's even made these gestures.

 

A few weeks ago he mentioned to me that an international student on his course wasn't able to travel home for Christmas and asked if I'd mind if this person came over at some point over Christmas week. I said it was a bad idea because we have no heating and no oven so we'd be awful hosts haha, but suggested he should hang out/go out with him one day instead.

Yesterday he comes in and tells me he is meeting this person for coffee on Christmas Day. I was dumbstruck.

I haven't raised the issue/hurt with him yet because he has an assignment deadline and I don't want to cause a fuss whilst he's working.

I understand that he's reaching out and being there for someone who would be alone at Christmas, but, in doing so he will leave me alone for Christmas.

 

I'm trying to be positive about it and think maybe we could spend some time together in the morning and then I will busy myself with cooking while he goes out but....

A) I'm starting to feel like a personal chef and cleaner

B) he went out to the gym last Christmas Day for five hours and I got so lonely that I cried myself into a stupor and am shocked that he's doing it again

 

I guess I'm torn between thinking I'm being an unreasonable selfish princess and thinking that spending festive quality time together should be his priority once the workload is cleared and could do with some help in perspective before i speak to him about my feelings and risk guilting him into cancelling his plans.

 

Thankyou in advance

[BlackCherry]

I can see both sides here.

 

He did ask if this friend could come round at some point during Christmas week and you said no. I get the not wanting people round thing, but given that it's his house too and his friend, that decision to receive guests or not should have been fine with you if it was fine with him.

 

So he's decided to go see this person instead. Seems fair enough, though I think as an established couple he should have at least asked you how you felt about him nipping off for an hour on xmas day.

 

Have you actually spoken to him about this issue? What was said? Are there any other issues in your relationship? I only ask because you mention crying several times due to feeling neglected when he's busy, and you mention you got so lonely you cried yourself 'into a stupor' when he went out last xmas. Why were you so lonely? Don't you have friends or family?

 

If he's this busy and stressed, no doubt he's picking up on you feeling like you miss him and don't get enough time with him, especially if it's bothering you enough to cry frequently about it, which may be limping more and more pressure on him trying to balance studying with a relationship.

 

I may be reading too deep into this but it's surprising to me a man would want to go see a friend on xmas day without even inviting you, so my gut wondered whether he's finding excuses to get away from you/the house for a while. Do you even know this friend? Male or female?

[Lady2163]

I knocked myself out at school and was the number 1 ranked person in my major.

 

My diploma is the same color as everyone else's. Does it really matter for his future if he gets C's instead of A's? I know some careers such as lawyer and doctors it will matter. It used to be it didn't matter for teachers, school systems didn't ask for transcripts (ironic, isn't it?).

 

This is where you need to discuss and casually set limits. Although, you kind of shut him down about having the other student come to your place.

 

1. Go to coffee with him.

2. Ask him what he wants to do as a couple on Christmas Day and what time.

3. Tell him your minimum expectations. Might want to tell him your middle of the road expectations, just in case he is a bare minimum type of man.

4. Agree to a time limit on the coffee outing if you don't go.

5. Tell him how you feel.

 

Remember: this is not your life for the rest of your life. This is how things are right now. I do think you need to start setting limits and expectations, because I would be royally peeved if my live in disappeared on me for five hours on Christmas Day. Don't let this type of behavior become your normal.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I feel like such a downer but this really triggered me!

 

I've always said that my husband was the nicest guy I'd ever met. Everyone says that about him!

 

I remember him doing a similar thing on my birthday years ago. It was one of the big birthdays. He offered to help, pretty much a stranger, to move apartments. I did say that it upset me. He worked incredibly hard & I had the same tears about neglect...I moved from my home country to USA for his career. I was so lonely.

 

He changed the time he was helping. Got-up at 5am to drive over there. Came home & fell asleep on the sofa! Happy Birthday!

 

To be honest at the time it didn't bother me that much, not really. Years later a poor female coworker got dumped by her boyfriend & he was to nice to not help & lend a shoulder. He even talked me into hosting a birthday party for her in our home. That was his first affair!

 

Yes, we could of been closer IF he wasn't working all hours to save others having to, IF he wasn't going to school, IF he wasn't being so kind that he couldn't say no!

 

Be careful that you're not drifting too far apart!!

[Missymoop]

Blackcherry - thankyou for your interesting points

I'd be horrified to have a guest round while we have no heating in the home but you're right, if he was comfortable with the situation maybe I should have just agreed to it.

We have very limited family - who choose to be alone at Christmas so we see them afterwards. And on Christmas Day our friends are busy with their own families, so my loneliness is just down to the social stigma of being left alone on Christmas Day I suppose. Which may be daft of me.

 

I haven't spoken to him yet as it's not a good time. I've not met the friend, no, I think it's a male friend though.

I assume I've not been invited as I walk with crutches so we'd need to get a taxi if I went which would be quite expensive at Christmas:)

[Missymoop]

Lady2163 - thankyou for your response

I'm unable to go along with him but I think your advice/tips on setting boundaries are super helpful, thankyou.

I think it's the shock of the repeated behaviour that's making me want to set boundaries because, no, I absolutely do not want this to become the norm!

[Missymoop]

ShatteredLady - thankyou for your response and I'm sorry it brought up bad memories/feelings for you (and sorry you went through those things in the first place!) I hope you're in happier times now.

 

Unfortunately it crosses my mind too. Due to poor finances we lived with my mother for 6 months and my partner would often 'go for walks' which made my mum raise her eyebrow and question me no end. Embarrassing.

He also sometimes takes over an hour to 'pop to the corner shop' but says he bumped into the caretaker of our building and got chatting. It piques my suspicious mind but for now I believe he's just a very friendly, although slightly infuriating, person.

I will heed your advice not to drift too far as sadly I do get fed the "if"s quite a lot already.

[BettyDraper]

I don't understand why a man in love would want to spend time with someone other than his partner on Christmas Day; especially if alone time was at a premium due to other commitments. I completely understand why you feel brushed aside and taken advantage of.

 

How are you and your boyfriend living without heat and an oven?

 

It's time to speak to him about your feelings as well as how the two of you will change your living situation.