How did you break up with your MM?

[ElaineShallott]

I was just reading my post from six months ago and can't believe I'm still stuck in this place.

 

Sometimes I think things are fine, it's not ideal but better than nothing.

 

But other times I think he's just using me, and why should I let him use me. I think at one point I was happy with a mostly physical A, but now the way he feels about me matters. I don't want to be just the woman who's there and willing.

 

But I don't want to ask him how he feels about me. I think he knows the right answer to that question anyway. I hate the thought of not speaking to him anymore. And I don't know how to break up? Do I text it? Do I have to do it in person?

 

A part of me hopes it will prompt some grand gesture from him, but I know this is very unlikely. I think hearing stories of other breakups might give me courage.

[eye of the storm]

I sent him a message telling him that I loved him but if I didn't jump ship, I was going to end up hating him. And I didn't want to hate him.

 

I had told him previously that I was coming to the end. So for him it wasn't a surprise. He knew I was suffering and he hated it but...

 

You have to come to the point where you are tired of waiting to be let out of the little box they put us in. When you get to the point of understanding only one of you can be happy. When you decide that you need/deserve to be happy. You will let go and start the difficult process of moving on.

 

I sent a message. We had been together for over 6 years, we had lived together, he had mentored me thru some massive life changes, we were friends. So to end things, for me, I had to send a message.

 

But you are different. Ghost, send a message, call....you need to end it how it is best for you.

 

If you think he will do a grand gesture and pull you back in, put plans in place to help you strengthen.

 

If you don't, in a few years you will look back on this site and wonder where your life went. You will still be in that little box waiting until he wants to pull you out and play with you. And your time with him will be colored with the knowledge that as soon as he is done he will put you back. And you will blame him but you know that you have and have always had the power to end it.

 

I wish you luck.

[Babsinhealing]

Regardless of how you do it... do it with dignity. Don't cry, sound needy, or show him you are weak. Walk away with your head held high with complete confidence... even if you fall apart the second he is out of your sight. Fake it until you make it! It's totally counterintuitive but what this does is show him you are a woman of high value... confidence is sexy and with time, if he really cares, it will eat him alive (if he doesn't, they are probably saying good riddance anyways- so what does it matter). It also puts you back in the power seat- even if you feel like you are dying. I did this when I went NC and I didn't have to look back and say "uggg- why was I so weak?!". It didn't last though- he broke NC 32 days later and told me he was fighting every day not to contact me. Not sure that would have happened if I was a needy mess the day I tried to end it. Just MHO!

[FoundMyStrength]

I initially sent him an email about a month into LC, telling him I needed to take some time off of staying in contact using our secret account. I explained to him how much guilt and shame I was feeling, and that my self-esteem was plummeting every time I emailed him.

 

After a month of him checking the account daily waiting for me to come back, and then finally disregarding my request by sharing a link to some silly little article (including telling me how great things were going there), I realized that I was going to have to be the one to extricate myself. He very much wanted me to be in his life in some way. I think he didn't want to let me go, but he certainly wasn't going to leave his wife. Typical confused MM.

 

So I then sent him a very clear email asking him for permanent NC. I again explained all the feelings from above, but I also told him that I truly believed there was no healthy way for us to stay in contact, and that the loss of our friendship was a natural cost of what happened. So far, he's respected it.

 

I think the "break up" will look different for everyone. But the key is that you have to decide it's what you want, be very clear about it, and then don't allow yourself (or him) to slip up.

[FoundMyStrength]

On a similar note, I also think that most MM are very happy to keep us in limbo forever. I truly believe my xMM loved me, and that he also loved his wife. But they're confused, avoidant, and want to keep both options open as they "figure it out." I may have had too little self-esteem to avoid getting into this, but I have too much self-esteem to let anyone play around with me like that.

[jennifernyc84]

I actually tried ending things more than once over the course of 4 years. The final draw was last month when I told him to tell me straight out. If he would've told me then and there that we could be together I'd wait. But if his answer was too subtle, I'd bail.

 

I bailed. Been trying the NC thing and it's really hard, but I'm trying my best.

We are only human. Even though sometimes we seem like monsters. We are still human.

[BuddyX]

I never understand how the OW can't simply threaten to expose the A to the Spouse? That will end things real fast. Trust me.

 

And before you tell me, "I don't want to hurt him". Think of all the pain he had brought into your life.

 

Oh yeah, and if you say "looking for closure", I'll repeat what other LS members have posted.

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

[eye of the storm]

BuddyX, for me, threatening to call his BS wouldn't have helped. She knew about me. Turns out she knew about me for years. Didn't care until he asked for a divorce.

 

Some people need to put a period at the end of the A. So for them, sending a NC message or a I'm done message isn't for the MM/MW it is for them.

 

I didn't send my MM a message for him, he knew I was tired of waiting. I sent it for me. So I could get the thoughts out of my head, so I could tell him what I was thinking/feeling one last time, so I could say goodbye. I did it for me, it was a tool to help me move on.

 

Leaving is tough, if someone needs a tool to help, then it is the right thing for them. (But only if it is a tool for them to leave the A and not a tool to get the WS's attention.)

[FoundMyStrength]

I never understand how the OW can't simply threaten to expose the A to the Spouse? That will end things real fast. Trust me.

 

And before you tell me, "I don't want to hurt him". Think of all the pain he had brought into your life.

 

Oh yeah, and if you say "looking for closure", I'll repeat what other LS members have posted.

 

"Closure" is a joke. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for being foolish enough to stay as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have is the one with yourself on how to be stronger and leave sooner. The only person you really need to see again is yourself. Before you got all weak. So look at yourself in the mirror and say: "You know what, I ****ed up" that's your closure. And all that can be done by yourself. You can't keep dancing with the devil and wonder why you're in hell."

 

I know telling the wife is an effective technique, but it's also threatening to hurt someone that I don't know deserves to be threatened or hurt in that way. I may view him as confused, avoidant, and almost childlike in his emotional dealings, but he's not a monster. He's just a confused man who became embroiled in an unintentional affair, just like I did.

 

The only way I'd threaten to tell his wife, or tell her, would be if he did something awful. Stalk me, or threaten violence, or something similar. Otherwise, it's up to me to have the willpower to stay away from him.

[Lady2163]

I was long distance, long term with a married man. I was and am single.

 

How I did it was largely disapproved of by people on here, but it worked for me.

 

I was really starting to hate what could possibly happen to him if there was a DDAY. He would lose everything. I hated knowing that would be my fault. Okay, and his, but you know what I mean?

 

So, I knew our last time together was it. I went home and the next week I told him I had a date. Then another date. Then some working out together time. Then we started having lunches. Then I just couldn't get away to see MM. Then my date wanted to be a couple. I didn't want to cheat.

 

Only there was no guy I was dating and who wanted to be a couple. MM didn't know that.

 

I believe him when he says he had been told "no" so many times in the bedroom by his wife that he really felt he was substandard in the sack. When they did have sex, it was nice, but not WOW! I believe he had a lot of rejection, so I wanted to avoid just dropping him like a rock. I wanted to ease into it. AND I was kind of testing the whole friendship thing. He always said he hoped I'd find someone single who could make me happy.

 

It's been almost three years. I did eventually break up with imaginary boyfriend. MM and I talk, text and email when we want to. I try to limit the amount of times I initiate and I limit my use of the phone for calling. That's too intimate and tempting. There are even times he calls and I text him back, saying "can't talk, but can text, how you?"

 

This year was a bit tough because he wanted to get together for one last romp. I was really horny and really torn. It's awfully good sex. I didn't cave, but I wanted to.

 

I was not in romantic love with him. Friendship love, probably.

Edited December 20, 2016 by Lady2163

[HeCantBreakMe]

I told my husband the truth because at that point i didn't care what happened I just need something to change.

 

MM came crying to me angry and sad - saying "now we can have no future together because he (my husband) knows the truth and will poison your kids with hate"

 

MM eventually came back saying he forgives me and still could see a future with me. It wasn't the same though and I was over the drama, the lies, and finally realized a future with him and this much baggage isn't really a future but a continued version of the hell i had been trying to escape.

 

Not sure who 'broke up' with who - like most affairs I think it just sort of fizzled out.

[notmyselfnow]

I know telling the wife is an effective technique, but it's also threatening to hurt someone that I don't know deserves to be threatened or hurt in that way.

 

With all due respect, you have already hurt her. And what everyone deserves is honesty and the truth.

[Cali408]

Ghost him...Poof disappear in thin air

 

You owe him nothing

[Poppy47]

I tried to break up with xMM about 4 times over many years.

 

After a week of not being able to talk to him, I decided to end it. It was a sudden breaking point. 8 years of emotional instability flashed before me and I didn't want to risk any more unhappiness in the future.

 

I sent him a polite email, saying that I no longer wished to be part of an A.

He sent a long email back, stating I had known what it was all along, how much he had loved me and always would. Oh, and how much effort he had put into the A so he could continue seeing me. There was also a reminder of the last few weeks and how much time he had spent with me as well as a list of things he had planned for the future.

 

It was probably a shock to him but it was a quick, blameless way to end it.

 

Poppy.

[RecentChange]

My husband sent him a threatening text

 

Sorry to make light - but yeah that ended things real quick.

 

Honestly, for affairs I think ghosting is totally reasonable. It's par for the course. Get involved with cheating and deception and it all might go "poof" one day.

 

At first my husband was skeptical that OM and I went no contact right that moment - never to communicate again.

 

I told him we were CHEATERS! We knew that *poof* could and probably would happen if either of us had a DDay, or hell, just decided to end it.

 

Like someone else said, you owe him nothing. He made his bed and he can lie in it.

[freengreen]

I was letting him know that it was too painful for me and I might get a epiphany anytime soon. DDay happened.

 

I told him it was over. He asked me continue. I said I cant see people get hurt anymore and lie on their back. A week later I texted him ( i exactly dont know why)and he asked me to come back. I think I had enough of it already, I politely told I had to leave. I said I could not see my spouse hurt so much. I didnt go back. Has been 7 weeks, I dont intend to.

[Gloria_Smellons]

And I don't know how to break up? Do I text it? Do I have to do it in person?

 

As others have said, you need to do what's right for you.

 

Myself, I ghosted. Not something I would ever do in a 'proper' relationship but our relationship wasn't proper so I didn't feel bad about it.

 

We'd already discussed the fact that I knew our time together had a shelf life - I just couldn't say for sure when that would be. Also I'd let him know in a previous conversation that after it ended we would not be friends and it was likely I would never speak to him again, (in general I have a crash and burn policy when it comes to exes). I remember at the time being surprised he seemed genuinely shocked by the fact we wouldn't be friends.

 

And really, there was nothing to discuss about it. I imagined how the conversation would go...

Me: 'I don't want to see you anymore'

Him: 'I agree'. Or 'But I love you...'

 

And every variant in between, but really where would that leave me? In exactly the same place I already was. Plus I wasn't sure which response would hurt me more, if he agreed or if he didn't.

 

I didn't want to hear more meaningless talk, so I just walked. We haven't spoken since and I can honestly say I don't regret it.

[noelle303]

We both knew it was over when I got pregnant.

 

I can't tell you how to end it, but advise that you do before it reaches that level of messiness and hurt, and implodes not only in your face but other people's as well.

[DKT3]

After all the drama, end it start it, lies, more lies end it start it, hurt people. The bottom line is if you want it over it would be over. Until then stop playing games. Stop trying to manipulate these men into picking you over his wife and kids. Either accept what you've got yourself into or stop. Really that simple.

[wmacbride]

WHy not stop viewing the A as some sort of special class relationship and act as one would usually do when a romantic relationship has run its course.

 

Simple tell the mm/mw that it is over,and if they really do care, they will respect that and not attempt contact.

 

If that doesn't work, then tell the bs. don't lie to yourself and say you can't because you don't want to hurt the bs who may not deserve it. The A has already done that. If you're worried about hurting the mm/mw,don't be. They, like you,are a fully grown adult and capable of handling the fallout. It's not about making anyone suffer or pay for what they did, it's about being able to end a relationship that is no longer good for you.

[Poppy47]

WHy not stop viewing the A as some sort of special class relationship and act as one would usually do when a romantic relationship has run its course.

 

Simple tell the mm/mw that it is over,and if they really do care, they will respect that and not attempt contact.

 

If that doesn't work, then tell the bs. don't lie to yourself and say you can't because you don't want to hurt the bs who may not deserve it. The A has already done that. If you're worried about hurting the mm/mw,don't be. They, like you,are a fully grown adult and capable of handling the fallout. It's not about making anyone suffer or pay for what they did, it's about being able to end a relationship that is no longer good for you.

 

That's what people normally do when they want to leave a toxic relationship. There isn't anything much more toxic that an A.

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I ended it a year ago today. We had already sort of ended it over the phone 2 days prior but I wanted to talk in person. Basically in a nutshell, I was not happy with being in an affair and asked him his intentions, and he wanted an affair indefinitely - for at least 10 years, so I ended it. My own life was falling apart and I could not handle an affair anymore. He was okay with my ending it, he let me walk away. It really was just fun and sex to him and I am glad he let me walk away. I'm with the right person, my husband.

 

On a side note, I won't be posting much. Someone reported me as posting off topic, I responded to a question someone asked me about myself, and I am now being "monitored". It's a bit much. It's not like I was attacking anyone. I'm going into my busy time with my business anyway. I do lurk but between that and my year anniversary, it's time.

[Daisy2013]

I ended it a year ago today. We had already sort of ended it over the phone 2 days prior but I wanted to talk in person. Basically in a nutshell, I was not happy with being in an affair and asked him his intentions, and he wanted an affair indefinitely - for at least 10 years, so I ended it. My own life was falling apart and I could not handle an affair anymore. He was okay with my ending it, he let me walk away. It really was just fun and sex to him and I am glad he let me walk away. I'm with the right person, my husband.

 

On a side note, I won't be posting much. Someone reported me as posting off topic, I responded to a question someone asked me about myself, and I am now being "monitored". It's a bit much. It's not like I was attacking anyone. I'm going into my busy time with my business anyway. I do lurk but between that and my year anniversary, it's time.

 

Your posts are very helpful. Hope you stick around. But if you don't, I wish you the best for your future.

[Southern Sun]

WHy not stop viewing the A as some sort of special class relationship and act as one would usually do when a romantic relationship has run its course.

 

Simple tell the mm/mw that it is over,and if they really do care, they will respect that and not attempt contact.

 

If that doesn't work, then tell the bs. don't lie to yourself and say you can't because you don't want to hurt the bs who may not deserve it. The A has already done that. If you're worried about hurting the mm/mw,don't be. They, like you,are a fully grown adult and capable of handling the fallout. It's not about making anyone suffer or pay for what they did, it's about being able to end a relationship that is no longer good for you.

 

What is interesting though, is this isn't how you end a normal relationship.

 

You don't just tell someone it's over and expect the OP to not attempt contact and vice versa. Usually there are discussions and maybe a wind down and typically some form of contact and a little back and forth at the end. And then eventually, if the people are normal, they move on. There isn't just an announcement and that's it.

 

Affairs require something different. Yes, sometimes they fade out and they are let go of quietly. But I think more often than not, one of the participants still has an interest in carrying on the relationship, for whatever reason...even if it's just because it's easy. People are generally motivated to end relationships so they are free to heal and move on to the next one. In the case of an affair, they are not limiting themselves. They don't have to end one R to be in another. There has to be a very firm end with a person desiring it in order to make it stick. Unless there is true lack of interest.