ThreeRainbows Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 (edited) Hey there, Thanks for reading. I'll keep this brief. My husband and I had a dysfunction/co-dependent relationship. I got married at 18 (he was 23), and we moved away, I was isolated, he was verbally/emotionally abusive for most of the duration of our marriage (going on 13 years now). He treated me very badly. I'm 32 now. I've been separated from him for 2 years now (living with my parents). We have two young kids, both living with me. He is stationed in another state, but moving down to my state this March. Here's the deal. I've been "out of love" for the entire marriage (we had a long distance courtship which was romantic). My husband has issues with self-love, rage/anger issues - likely has a personality disorder. I am a recovering co-dependent. Most of our marriage has been about me trying to convince him that I love him, and him being mad at me for unintentional things. His identity seems to be attached to that victim role. I had been taking advantage of him being a good provider (despite his emotional issues). I have never cheated physically, but have fallen in love with friends over and over, without acting on these feelings. Until now. I left him because I was in love, and of course, that lover is long gone (turns out he was gay, and not nearly as in love with me as I was with him.. I reaped what I sowed - it was a massive heartbreak for me). Since then I've been working on myself, my identity, my appearance, virtues (respect and honesty), etc. I feel fantastic about myself, and where I've come since that heartbreak. Plus, I've decided that if I ever love again, I want to devote my entire love to that person. If I can't love them, I will tell them so, instead of leeching off of them like I did with my husband. I want to live in alignment with my values. My husband still wants me back. He has gone through a lot of pain from my leaving him, and his growth is evident to me. We are getting along much better now, although not perfectly. He is still drinking (whether he is an alcoholic, I am not sure - but I feel that he is headed there). I caved in and told him I would try therapy in March, but the truth is that I am doing this so that I can feel like I did the right thing before throwing in the towel - not because I am motivated by love, or even compassion. Even if he treated me well now, which he just may well!, I feel like my love has died and do not have a lot of faith in its revival. I don't want to live without that emotional connection, either. My heart desires a fresh start, but I feel guilty. Additionally, I am very averse to the thought of sex with him (most of our marriage was me meeting his sexual needs, and getting hurt by his porn addiction). Those of you who believe in higher selves / inner wisdom, mine has advised me to reconcile with him - but this thought depresses me. I think I've given enough reasons why I don't want to. But my guilt remains - I can't seem to shake it. I guess what it comes down to is that I have very little faith that I will feel the love with him again. It seems to me like he has changed only a little in our entire marriage. I have changed dramatically. I am no longer that 16 year old girl that fell in love with him, and we are worlds apart now. I believe that if can happen, it would probably take a long time and a lot of therapy. And, I feel that it would be possible for me to find a new partner (someone healthy, too) - and that this would be much easier. But is it right? Has anyone been in this situation? Please save judgments, as I am only human, but please DO give kind advice. Thank you. Edited December 21, 2016 by ThreeRainbows Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Good for you in making such a recovery. While I don't understand about higher powers etc, I don't think you have a chance of succeeding in reconciliation if your heart isn't in it. It's OK to say "I can't forget the past and simply can't do this anymore" 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 My husband has issues with self-love, rage/anger issues - likely has a personality disorder. I am a recovering co-dependent. Most of our marriage has been about me trying to convince him that I love him, and him being mad at me for unintentional things. His identity seems to be attached to that victim role.Rainbows, you're describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been married to him for 13 years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," temper tantrums, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, and rapid event-triggered mood flips. Because BPD is believed to be heritable to some extent, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your children are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your H back or running into the arms of another man just like him. It also may help you decide whether one of your children is at risk of inheriting it. Take care, Rainbows. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 Here's the deal. I've been "out of love" for the entire marriage Divorce. For your sake, his sake and most of all, your kids sake. Better to be the best co parents to your kids, apart than under one roof and stay in an abusive and unhealthy marriage to someone you don't love/aren't in love with. Do family counseling if need be to help with the adjustments and changes, put your kids first and realize that THEY need a healthy environment, not a bad energy one with 2 parents who are wrong for one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 21, 2016 Share Posted December 21, 2016 I caved in and told him I would try therapy in March, but the truth is that I am doing this so that I can feel like I did the right thing before throwing in the towel - not because I am motivated by love, or even compassion. Even if he treated me well now, which he just may well!, I feel like my love has died and do not have a lot of faith in its revival. I don't want to live without that emotional connection, either. I'm assuming by "therapy" you mean marriage counseling. MC is a cooperative effort, you're not being indoctrinated into a cult. If you've already decided you won't - or can't - cooperate, it's simply a waste of time. Add the volatility of your H's drinking and there seems zero chance of success. And to do it just so you can check the box next to "I tried" is cruel and self-serving. In other words, sometimes you just have to stick a fork in it - it's done. Sounds like you're there... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeRainbows Posted December 23, 2016 Author Share Posted December 23, 2016 (edited) Thank you all for the replies. Yes, I do believe my husband has BPD, and have suspected it for years. My previous personal therapist has told me that he also has the traits of intermittent explosive disorder. I do believe the BPD is manageable with therapy, but the drinking is an issue, though. Here's the rub. I can give up the idea of doing the "right thing," (as to being cruel, remember - I am human and learning as I go), but... it's more about the guidance/advice from my higher self that's having me question. What I've been told is that I need to "turn my love around" if I want to be whole and warm. Learning how to will be the trick, though. I wish I was inspired. Thanks again, just for reading. It feels good to break silence and talk about this with people who want to help. Edited December 23, 2016 by ThreeRainbows Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 Yes, I do believe my husband has BPD, and have suspected it for years. My previous personal therapist has told me that he also has the traits of intermittent explosive disorder.3Rainbows, if he is a BPDer, his rages likely will be triggered only by loved ones, i.e., only by those who are close enough to pose a threat to his fears of abandonment and engulfment. That's why it's common for a BPDer to be kind and generous all day long with total strangers and business colleagues -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. In contrast, IED typically can be triggered by anybody. It therefore would be evident, for example, in instances of road rage or other temper tantrums triggered by complete strangers. As your therapist explained, it is possible your H exhibits both of those disorders. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 Here's the rub. I can give up the idea of doing the "right thing," (as to being cruel, remember - I am human and learning as I go), but... But therein lies the rub - "right thing" for whom? For a marriage - and MC - to work, it has to be a healthy destination for both you. That's something you run towards, not away from as your instincts have been telling you to do. Head and heart, both would have to be committed to him. Doesn't sound like that's how you feel. Maybe all that's left is convincing yourself that's OK... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 I don't think you're cut out for staying. People who stay in their marriage even though there is no love have different verbiage. They speak differently than you do. They defend their marriage and spouse and sound super copedendent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeRainbows Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 I don't think you're cut out for staying. People who stay in their marriage even though there is no love have different verbiage. They speak differently than you do. They defend their marriage and spouse and sound super copedendent. You're right in that I don't feel the love - and I am no longer co-dependent. The thing is, he says he is very much in love with me still (which boggles me, honestly). He seems committed to change, and with therapy, I wonder if there is a chance the love will come back? I would hate to break his heart any more than I already have if I don't have to. I say this because I'm not really in need of love in return nearly as much as I used to be. I can be fine in my life without being emotionally attached to anyone - although I'd certainly like it. So if it's just a matter of sticking it out until the feelings return, I could try this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeRainbows Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 I can be fine in my life without being emotionally attached to anyone - although I'd certainly like it. So that I don't come across as a sociopath - I mean romantically attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 If you mean it in the context of a relationship, as in marriage with no romantic attachment, it's still a self-destructive concept. Not healthy for you - or him... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 You're right in that I don't feel the love - and I am no longer co-dependent. The thing is, he says he is very much in love with me still (which boggles me, honestly). He seems committed to change, and with therapy, I wonder if there is a chance the love will come back? I would hate to break his heart any more than I already have if I don't have to. I say this because I'm not really in need of love in return nearly as much as I used to be. I can be fine in my life without being emotionally attached to anyone - although I'd certainly like it. So if it's just a matter of sticking it out until the feelings return, I could try this. I don't believe love ever returns, but sometimes people lie and say it does because what they really value/miss is the comfort and security of marriage. A marriage could exist on comfort and security alone for DECADES. But again, what these people do that you are not doing is speaking in defense of their marriage. The value is that high, and you need that level to stay in it. You are not doing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThreeRainbows Posted December 25, 2016 Author Share Posted December 25, 2016 Thank you once again for the replies. I've been thinking on them a lot. Here's what I've decided to do: -I'm going to be even more honest with my husband. Even though I've told him about my [lack of] feelings, I think I need to be even clearer with him. I kind of think he might be thinking there's something there that isn't there. I just know that if someone wasn't in love with me, but I was in love with them, I would want to let them go and move on. I also need to get honest with him about my lack of sexual and physical attraction. I have not really expressed this, because I know how painful that would be to hear. But... honesty really does set you free, doesn't it? -Next thing I'm going to do is follow my heart, which says leave. I realize that there is a chance that once he has finally let me go and moved on, the feelings could return. It's hard for me to imagine now, but it does happen to people. But, I have to take this risk because as of currently, I clearly can not appreciate him. It's not fair to either of us. -And lastly, I am realizing.. it is not my responsibility to love him. It is not my responsibility to force myself to have feelings. I can set myself free here. Thank you all for helping ease my mind majorly. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopefuleddie Posted December 27, 2016 Share Posted December 27, 2016 Sorry for your experiences in your relationship. I'm happy that you're doing much better, and seeing value in yourself. Wanting to live according to your values is very important, and is the key knowing what choices to make; includes relationships. Please don't feel bad or guilty for wanting a healthy relationship at all; because, unless your husband is willing to do some personal counseling, it will be a difficult relationship to maintain, and difficult to get to the level of relationship that you now see it's possible to have as a result of your increased self value. I would encourage him to get some counseling (for himself so that he also increases his knowledge of his value that way he can also mature emotionally) so that it is possible for him to have a healthy relationship. I think you should make your decisions in accordance to the peace that you have in your heart. Guilt is an inaccurate guide to decisions. Hope everything works well for you, and again congratulations in doing so well Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Hi Threerainbows, maybe it would be good for you to let your husband go as it appears you have been 'Out of love' with your husband for the entire duration of your marriage as per your own admission. In other words you have been living a lie. The fact is we only know your side of the story as your husband is not here to defend himself. In your case it seems that it was a childish romantic crush that you had on your to be husband and you acted on it by getting married to him at a very young age. He too, was very young and the fact is that at that age one is not mature enough to take such a life changing decision. I am surprised that your parents did not advise you to wait a little longer to actually discover yourself and be more sure of yourself before embarking on marriage. You may have been immature but they were not and should have exercised their parental responsibility in your favour. Marriage at that age means you would not have finished with college and college life would have exposed you to experiences with other people( including other men) which would have helped you mature and develop your own personality as it exists now. I do hope that you have changed as dramatically as you say you have because this business of falling in love at the drop of a hat does not bode well for you. I wonder if you have cheated physically on your husband? You are guilty of EAs per your own admission as falling in love is tantamount to an EA. The last love affair that left you heartbroken seems to have gone the physical way otherwise you wouldn't be heartbroken. The fact is that you abandoned your husband two years ago and your ship has sailed from the port of marriage to your current( sic) husband. Please do him a favour and let him go so he can find someone who truly loves him. You gave him a false impression all those years with your protestations of love when you were actually 'Out of love' with him. The poor guy has been living in the false hope that you actually loved him for all those years but he was living a lie. All your pontifications on here have been to justify your own deceitful actions. I doubt that you are being guided by a 'Higher self', more like a lower self which was looking out for your material benefit. Inspite of your husband being in your words ' Abusive', he supported you materially and let you lead a comfortable life. That is because he loved you and thought you loved him in return. However you ditched him to pursue your EA/PA(?) and left him wondering what hit him. In addition to everything else you seem to have denied him the right to see or be with his own children since you do not live in the state where he is employed. Sorry lady if this seems harsh but you have a lot of growing up to do. Wish you the very best! Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Hopefully it is clear out tonight, literally get up early tomorrow, watch the sunrise and enjoy the fresh morning air. Then call your husband and tell him your divorcing him. Its a new day. Link to post Share on other sites
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